I sense some subtle changes in the wind for me.
Yes, there has been a sense of profound loss now that "Lovey" is no longer in the picture. For example, every song I heard on the radio this morning coming into my office made me well up with tears. At one point they spilled over and trickled down my face.
Last night I heard her voice on the speakerphone and I felt very depressed.
BUT...I wouldn't go back to those married days for anything.
The disagreements....
The yelling....
The tears....
The control....
The knots in my stomach....
The gay thing was just a small portion of the problems that did our marriage in.
Two therapists said that I had all the classic traits of an abused spouse, my only difference was that my bruises were all emotional and internal that were derived from years and years of trying to keep her happy. I would have done anything to keep her from one of her outbursts....or one of her crying jags.....or one of her stomping fits. Everything was always about her.... Anything done around the house had to be done her way...or it was WRONG.
So I stopped.
(Even that got me into trouble....remember my talking about the arrival of the cocker spaniel.....the wooden spoons in the dishwasher.....the raised toilet seats....and how that was all a reflection of my disrespect for HER? I got to the point of not being able to remember all the different rules in my house.)
Now there have been subtle changes at my house.
Peace...
Quiet....
Calmness....
Some laughter....
Some relaxation...
There've even been some impromptu late night visits to the movies with #1!
Fun...
At bed time I sleep without the assistance of any medication.... Migraines haven't happened.... I seem to have more energy....more motivation to do stuff around my house.
I even organized the linen closet the way I wanted!
Still...those sad times come....I call them my speed bumps... However, I think they are from mourning the way I wished things had been -- not how they were in reality.
I think I am on my way (finally)!
3 comments:
You go, bro.
Cheers! Joe
Hmm, your marriage sounds strangely like mine was--all about her and how I didn't love her enough. A communications professor once opened my eyes to that nonsense, commenting that saying the words "you don't love me" is like putting a gun to another person's head.
Enjoy your breakthrough. It has been rough at times, but it sure beats living a terminally unhappy marriage.
This cheers me considerably. I hope the speed bumps continue to become fewer and further between.
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