We humans are complex beings.
Have you ever done something and when all is said and done you wonder why you did it?
I had such a moment in my life this morning.
I was getting ready to go to work, when there was a knock on my door. It was Lovey.
She wanted to know if I would be home sometime this evening. (Aren't I home every evening???) I said I would. She said that she had the final separation agreement. (I'm psychic. What did I tell you in an earlier post? She's only had it since October.)
I said that it would be fine to receive...and that I had to schedule an appointment with my lawyer to go over it to make sure things were okay. She nodded.
She then walked over to the bed and sat down.
She proceeded to share with me the fact that she had gotten ill at her church conference and wasn't able to celebrate her commissioning as she had originally planned. Her last day she had suffered from a "virus" and had been in her bed for the whole last half of the day.
Traveling home on Wednesday, she found out that she is allergic to Dairy Queen Blizzards. She broke out into hives...and was itching all over. (I think this is translated: STRESS.)
She then talked about how her neck hurt....her back hurt....and she was just so exhausted by all that she had to do. (She's miserably behind in her packing and the movers will be here early on Tuesday! Surprise....Surprise!)
I told her that I was going to be out of town Sunday Morning through Wednesday Afternoon. She was very mellow about this.
I went over to my dresser and picked up the Father's Day cards I had received and showed them to her.
She said, "Oh, how nice. We have such wonderful children."
Then, I did something I have no idea why I did it. I said, "Well, at least I did something right..." Tears started rolling down my cheeks.
I didn't break down....or sob....or run away......my voice didn't break......or crack.....the tears just rolled down my face fairly substantially.
"You've done a lot of things right," she said, her voice breaking into a sob.
I went on about getting ready. I dabbed my eyes.
She then chattered on about other things.....tears running down her face. I didn't hear a word she said. I was on auto-pilot.
She then apologized, "I'm so tired....It makes me so emotional."
The real odd thing about this is that my feelings about June 20, 2006 have changed. They are not as I had expected. I thought I would feel overwhelming emotions of sadness....of failure.
These all appear to have melted away to a feeling of great anticipation...of relief....of peace.
Still, I'm not sure where all the tears came from this morning, or why my reservoir of tears seems to be just below the surface, ready to erupt at any moment.
Yes, we human beings are very complex.
3 comments:
Although it's almost over and I'm sure that will be a relief, I suspect you are having many conflicting emotions just under the surface.
The tears were just the way the feelings were manifested.
There is much to mourn. Much. That is not to say or even imply that you are not doing the right thing and the best thing. Easter never comes without Good Friday. Mourn the death. Then move to celebrating new life.
WHy is all this just below the surface? Because you are human. And you are growing. If you can't feel it, you can't heal it. Feel it.
Cheers, Joe
When things change, there is always something that is missed. The hopes and dreams of what might have been are suddenly revealed for what they are, hopes and dreams.
Your statement is also admitting that we as humans are not as perfect as we aspire to. (Lovey had a nice thing to say in response actually.)
This understanding of what is true, may be the source of that feeling of peace.
Complex indeed.
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