Orgasms and Motorcycles

This post is going to ramble. I feel it....so bear with me.

What a week I have had!

For openers, my basement got flooded due to all the rain we got this past week. It was the worst I've seen. Thirteen plus inches of water.....in 48 hours.... This was a flood of biblical proportions.

My carpet in the basement is ruined. Insurance won't cover any of it.... So, the carpet place is taking measurements on Monday.

My son the marine (MSM) is coming home tonight and spending some time with us. It will be nice to have him. So, I'm gonna be busy!

#1 and I have spent a lot of time bonding during this time of transition. It's interesting to hear her talk and to listen to her view point. She's a great kid and definitely one that is a plus to have in one's corner when the chips are down.

I am careful about what I say to her. Some opinions, ideas and observations I keep to myself. I find that I learn so very much if I just listen when she speaks. For instance:

She told me about Lovey's oldest sister, who is about a year or so younger than Lovey.

I've always viewed her as the Sister-In-Law from Hell. She's the authority on everything. She knows everything. She's our resident critic. Although she's never had any children of her own, she's the first to tell us what we're doing wrong in raising ours. When I had a dear friend help me with a wallpapering project, she was the first one in the door and pointed out a small flaw in an obscure corner. For purposes of this blog...and to maintain her privacy, I will say that her first name begins with the letter J. Further, to show just how seriously I've always taken J and her pronouncements, my kids and I have this little game we play.

A few years ago, the fad in Christian circles was the slogan WWJD. It stands for "What Would Jesus Do?" The kids and I hijacked the slogan and now, when we are in a dither, we say, "What Would "J" Do?" It gives us all a real chuckle. If only "J" knew! LOL!!

Well, as #1 and I were cleaning the basement, she tells me about J's latest pronouncement.

"Dad, 'J' told #2 and me about what the secret to a long and happy marriage is."

I thought, "Hmmmm...can't wait for this one."

"Orgasms," #1 intoned. "Is that true Dad?"

I couldn't believe my ears.

After I composed myself, my only response was, "Goodness.....God help them if their plumbing ever breaks down."

#1 and I fell out laughing.

#1 then grew serious again and said, "She also told Aunt M (Lovey's baby sister) that part of her problem was she hadn't had an orgasm in a long time. She could tell by looking at her!"

Wait! I'm getting a vision! J should get her own program on the Discovery Channel. It could come on between Sonya the animal psychic.....and the Dog Whisperer...what's his name. Her program could be called "I've Got An Orgasm!" or "What's My Orgasm?" or "The Orgasm is Right" or "The $10,000 Orgasm"......or, my favorite, "Who Wants to Have An Orgasm?"

Sorry...my mind wandered.

"What did your Aunt M say?"

#1 looked at me and said, "She told J....'You're telling me! It's been ages!"

I offered no further comment. I had learned more than I ever wanted to know about those people.

Today, coming into the office I had a nice visit with my mother on my cellphone.

My mom has always been great to talk to. We talk about everything....and everybody. And, man, can we ever gossip about the relatives.... No topic is off limits.

Mom announced to me that Lovey had called her yesterday.

I nearly lost control of my car.

Why? Because in almost 25 years of marriage, Lovey never seemed to give a fig about my parents.

"She called to tell me that she had heard through the grapevine about my medical issues and wanted me to know that she was praying for me," Mom said.

I could tell that mother was moved beyond words.

"Has Lovey told you about the Harley yet?" Mom asked.

"Huh?" I said, nearly choking.

"Well, for goodness sakes don't say anything to anyone that I told you, but she says that she is seriously thinking about getting herself a Harley to run her errands around town," Mom continued. "She wants to save on gas."

Suddenly I had visions of Lovey, the new pastor in her conservative small town.....flying through the streets....her alb flapping in the wind.....helmet on her head.....goggles on her face.....Bible in her leather saddle bag......off to minister to the sick.....the shut in.....the downtrodden.

I haven't been so amused in over a year.

"Your secret is safe with me, Mom!"