An Awakening...

Monday afternoon I got sick.

Really sick.

So sick in fact that I was almost afraid to drive myself home.

I can probably count on one hand the number of times that I have felt as bad as I did Monday. I had chills. My joints ached. My stomach hurt and on top of all this, my weak shoulder was also giving me fits. It ached like an oversized toothache.

So, I went home around 1:30….took a hot bath and relaxed in the tub. My joints loved me for that. I took some advil…..some muscle relaxers and I was gone for the rest of the day, the night, and most of the following day.

I woke up close to noon – still feeling like I had been run over by several freight trains and dump truck.

My dog, Davy, stayed right beside me the whole time. It was like he sensed that something was wrong. He curled up into a tight little ball and got right next to me. I suppose he was telling me in his own little way that he was there for me.

But it did raise the specter of my having to develop a better support system. I suppose as a single man, I need to have a network of people who check in with me at a set time every day to make sure I’m okay.

On Monday I was so sick I was a bit frightened. Yes, a 49-year-old man can get frightened about such things. I was the poster child for being frightened about this.

This is the first time I’ve gotten sick since I have been alone. Always before I’ve had a family member within earshot.

But this time, I didn’t. This time I had to make my own decisions about how to treat my symptoms. How to take care of my back and my stomach.

I returned to the office today, a bit tired. I visited my stomach doctor before coming in. He was very confident that I had a stomach virus…one of the nasty ones that are floating around now. He says my colon ecology could be messed up from the colonoscopy, so he suggested some items to help get things back in balance. So we’ll see.

Could it have been that the impending health problem was the reason for my period of black sadness this past weekend? Although I have a problem with loneliness and with being alone, generally I can handle all that. This time, I felt like I were being pulled into a black hole that was way beyond my control.

It was scary.

I think my physical illness was beginning to manifest itself then.

Now, at least, I’m able to deal with the overall loneliness without feeling the need to burst into tears.

I need to be mindful of all these issues and take appropriate action for future episodes.

First, I need to establish a buddy system with those in my sphere of influence who will check in with me on a daily basis to see if I am okay.

Second, I need take better care of myself physically by eating well, resting well and getting plenty of exercise.

Third, I need to monitor everything going on. If it overwhelms me…or I feel myself being sucked under…then I need to get help.

There is no crime in seeking help. The crime is when you need help, don’t get it and something bad happens.

We don’t ever want that to happen.

EVER!