It's dawn....
Spring is in the air. Birds are chirping and the pollen is billowing. Everywhere!
I'm glad that this weekend is OVER. It felt as though I might go under this time.
I spoke with the girls several times this weekend. They always buoy my spirits -- regardless how low I get. I feel they are there for me.
Oh, I didn't go into any detail about how bad I was feeling. I camouflage pretty well. But I did level with #2 somewhat after the fact. I told her that I was overcome by sadness. I won't call it depression. It was profound sadness that had me this weekend...and there is a difference.
At this time in my life, I detest being alone. I'm used to the noise a family makes. I'm used to the petty arguments of children. I'm used to the fights and strong discussions I used to have with Lovey when I was asserting my boundaries.
None of that now.
Just the snoring dog beside me.
The birds chiping and the rustling the neighbors make as they begin their morning rituals and head out for the day.
Will this never end?
I'm so tired of this drama. Folks have warned me for the final upheaval...the way I will feel when all is said and done. I'm nearing that point now.....and from the looks of it....
it's going to be a doozy.
1 comment:
Hey Frank...
I suspect that there are all sorts of depression- and mood-related happenings. I wonder sometimes if th sudden emotional turns don't end up being combinations of the triggering events and a biochemical surge of whatever feeding the despair. Before he died, Dale was waking up at times in the middle of the night to find himself sobbing, feeling utter despair, yet not clear detecting any clear triggers.
We didn't find out until after he died that he had also been distancing himself from his doctor, not trying to get a better combo of meds, and had acquired the tools he needed (and ended up using) to end his life.
I'm not the expert... for my own stuff I find it helpful to assume that a chunk of it is chemical, not so much that I'm doing any meds right now, but because it helps to take the edge off. It's like recognizing, Damn, but my brain is off-kilter today, and it hurts...
Anyway, take care...
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