On Being Gay

I've been gay for as long as I can remember.

Yet, for the longest time I refused to say the words, "I am Gay."

It's as if that as long as I kept those thoughts to myself, I cold tell myself that it was only a thought. I could be wrong. I could change.

But beginning in 1997 I realized that I had to learn to accept me. I had to realize that I wasn't going to just change. Sexuality is a core part of your life. It can't be changed.

So, why did I get married?

Well, I was told by a well meaning minister that every man has these feelings but that it takes a good hot roll in bed with a woman that serves as the "master reset button" that puts a man on "the right path."

I believed him.

I felt it was God's will to marry Lovey. I gladly did it.

Because of the love I had for her. Yet, my efforts were not enough.

Lovey wanted a divorce....and she's getting it.

But why is it that folks have to assign blame? Why do they feel it's the man's fault? Or that the men were "using" their wives as a cover...as a beard....so that they can appear straight.

In my case, Lovey has played the martyr. "Frank's gay," she would intone when quizzed as to why she would dump such a nice guy...after 25 years. "He made my life hell. I'm so raw inside."

But what she has never bothered to tell them is that it was never a secret to her. I confided in her on our first anniversary....24 years ago! She knew....my struggles.....she knew my feelings.....she knew my thoughts of suicide. Yet, she was the victim....she was "lied" to.

She tells this story and people believe her. I suppose that's what really bothers me the most. People believe her. They don't try to find out my side of the story. They don't care to know what Frank the Fag has been through.

Being gay is not easy. Lots of guys know this and they aren't trying to mislead anybody. They're just trying to come to terms with this. They are just trying to be good husbands in spite of it. They're just trying to figure it all out.

I'm lucky....I've come to terms with my gayness...... It's just that I'm trying to figure what all this means for the rest of my life. Many have said for me to look at this season of life as new beginning. This is so much easier to say than to do.

How do I begin this new life?

Is there a defining starting point?

Gosh this hard.