A Good Day

Today has been a good day…I have heard all three of my children’s voices. #1 called me first this morning. She announced that the highlight of her day was watching how people milk their cows! I think she’s a bit homesick because she is almost at month number 4 in El Salvador.

She simply amazes me. She has rented a house…all of her very own. She worked with contractors to put in a concrete floor (it originally was a dirt floor), a new closet, and she now has electricity! She even purchased a bed, a table and some chairs! I told her that I still worry about her, but she said, “Aw Dad…there’s nothing to worry about. I have locks on my doors and I have lots of good neighbors. I’m planning to get some chickens to handle the scorpions, a cat to handle all the rodents, and a big dog to handle the humans!”

Goodness! Where did the time go?

Meanwhile, Miss Nashville (#2), called later on to say that she was thinking of her daddy and wanted to know if I was okay. I assured her that I was fine. But still she was concerned and wanted me to know how much I was loved.

Then, my son the marine called. He was on a little ship somewhere out in the Atlantic. He told me that he was coming home tonight (to my house) to check on his girlfriend who has been very sick. I think he said that he was staying through the weekend. Would I mind, he asked. “Heavens no!” I responded quickly. It will be nice to have him visit. The only catch is that I have to pick him up in Richmond around 10:30 or so tonight!

Not looking to the car ride. But it will be okay.

I have invited my Brokeback Mountain to travel with me. So, I’ll get to spend some alone time with him in the trip down. It’s been ages since we have been able to chat. So hopefully we can get all caught up.

I’m also planning to help him get some painting completed at his house on Saturday. So, it looks like I’m going to be rather busy in the coming few days.

I really am blessed to have the kids that I have and to also have friends like I do. I’ve certainly grown over the past couple of years and it appears that I have landed on my feet – both of them!

Storm Update

Hmmmm.

I awoke this morning super refreshed and ready to greet the day head-on. I got to the office at 6:15 a.m.

It has been non-stop ever since.

However, I just realized something about that storm that was just offshore late last week. The one that had the winds howling around me and had my stomach churning and I felt sure the storm surge was gonna get me.

It’s gone!

All is calm.

The sun is shining.

The sky is a brilliant blue.

I don’t remember the storm leaving. Where did it go? It certainly didn’t strike the beach where I was standing. It must have gone out to sea and blown itself out.

I’m okay.

A Long Weekend of Introspection

I go back to the office tomorrow after having had 4 days off.

I had no set agenda. I had nothing that I absolutely HAD to do. So, I spent my time doing little odd jobs around the house. Cleaning patio furniture. Rinsing off the deck. Putting the furniture on the deck and trying to get it ready for the summer season, which has finally reached the Washington DC Metro area! Yippee!

Spring and Summer are my most favorite times of the year. Fall and Winter are the most depressing to me.

So, I have spent a good deal of time just thinking about things in my life. Wondering about the future. Contemplating the past.

I think I've shared with you that one of the most important facets of my life is my spirituality. I had a good time at church this past Sunday. I've been asked to help serve communion on Father's Day...which I consider to be a high honor. At the Methodist Church I was never asked to do anything like that....or, come to think of it, even do a reading or make an announcement...or anything. Lovey did everything!

But at MCC, I seem to be finding my voice. I'm slowly finding my place.... And, I'm learning some stuff about Frank.

First, this is the only time in my church experiences that I have been able to become active in a church and be authentic. They're getting a dose of the real Frank, warts and all. And, in all that, they seem to still love me.

As I've transitioned in this church, and I've found that I can be me with the walls down, I seem to have uncovered an untapped reservoir of love and compassion for others -- not something that I was aware that I had. It just seems to well up in me at the oddest times....and and sweeps over me.

I find myself looking forward to going to church every week and being with my new friends. Feeling their love and receiving big bear hugs from them because they are glad to see me means more than I can ever begin to say.

I'm learning to trust my instincts. Lovey always said she believed that I had the gift of discernment. I believe she is right....and I'm working to enhance that gift.

Yes, I'm working on me....quite a job. But I think the end result is going to be much better than I ever imagined possible.

At least after I make it passed the final speed bump of this awful journey I've been on: the final divorce decree signed by the judge.

Staytuned.

It Hurts...BAD!

It's very late.

I'm tired and I should be in bed, getting a restful night's sleep because I have a very busy weekend planned. I have so many chores that need to be completed....and I've been invited to a cookout. Still, I'm wired...and just can't seem to settle down enought to shut my eyes.

I just completed a very long conversation with #1 in El Salvador. Word had it that she wanted me to call her when I had a moment. So, I decided to call her late...there's a two hour time difference.

She wanted me to talk to her about my feelings. How am I doing with things? She knows me all too well and could tell by my not talking about certain things, that something must be "up."

So, I just let everything flow. I let her know some of my most private thoughts...my hurts.....my fears......

She asked something very pointed. She wanted to know if I had known a few years ago that this was all coming, would I have divorced then? I told her no.....that I would have done whatever was necessary to keep the marriage intact.

Silence.

"Wow, Dad! That says a lot about you." she said.

Folr the millionth time she listened to me ramble on about my hurts......my pain.......my overall mystification as to why things happened.......why I'm still troubled.......why it still hurts.......and how there's not anything that can be done to make it all better. Taking Lovey back certainly wouldn't do that.

This is just one of those defining moments in life that must be experienced alone.

Like death.

I finally asked if there was any way she could understand what I was trying to say. She said that she did. Her only wish was that she wishes she could do something to make it all better. She told me she loved me......and that she was there for me.

It was comforting...

I told her that this was the last gasp of the divorce process......that I had learned along the way that there were speed bumps.....and that I needed to cross each one as it came in order to move to the next higher level. I told her that I expected the filing of the final decree with the court system would be such a speed bump.... Since it was near the end of the process, I expeced it to be a doozy. But, I am right....I feel the storm nearing the shore.....and here I am, a sitting duck.

But I must experience this.

Healing is ahead.

Good things are ahead.

Impatience

Okay…

Why can’t I just get over this?

Why does the least little development in this silly separation/divorce always result in the profound sadness that has me in a funk for days on end?

Why does the sound of Lovey’s voice feel like a pair of tweezers digging into scabs or wounds that are trying desperately to heal?

Why do I have the feelings of failure?

Why do I want to beat myself up?

Why do I feel like that my life is a never ending drama?

When I’m in a large group of people, why do I feel so all alone?

The end of this awful nightmare is coming up…..and I need to just get myself together. I need to get my act together. I need to pick myself up. I need to dust myself off. I need to begin weighing my options.

I need to let people know that I love them.

I need to relax.

I need to calm myself.

I am NOT a failure.

I am a competent human being.

I need to hold my head up high….and to begin to love me.

To embrace me.

To see my value.

To realize that this segement of my life will be over. It ain’t ever gonna come back.

And….it’s only a segment of my life…..it’s not my life.

My Horoscope for Today

"You're questioning your path in life. It's time to remember that your path isn't a straight line, but more like a zigzag brushstroke loaded with color and texture. It doesn't have to make sense. In fact, the best art often doesn't."

Frank's "Early Show" Connection

My son the Marine (MSM) called this morning at 12:55 from New York City.

Phones ringing in the wee hours always unglue me. I thought I was going to get some really bad news. Thankfully, MSM was only calling to say for me to watch The Early Show this morning. He would be appearing on TV!

He sounded excited and upbeat. He’s in New York for some special Marine function. It's his first time there. He had to ride a boat up there from Norfolk and he returns this Sunday.

He ended the call with a deep, heartfelt, "Dad, I love you."

I responded equally.

I love that kid dearly......he has been through so much in his young life. I really dread the thought of him going to Iraq in September. It makes me tear up everytime.

So, while I was trying to wake up this morning, I programmed the trusty VCR to record his appearance. Hopefully I will get the opportunity to see him. That would be so cool.

MSM is not the only person in my family to appear on nationwide TV! #2 appeared on the Grammy Awards a few years back. She served as one of those people who lead the stars down the red carpet. In the pre-show on E entertainment network, Star Jones was interviewing some celebrity….and like a parting of the Red Sea, the crowd opened up and there, standing dead center of the screen, just over Star Jones’ left shoulder was my #2 -- looking bewildered -- looking all around and chewing a wad of gum. I kid her all the time about her first appearance on nationwide TV and she’s chewing her gum like a cow chewing it’s cud!

Now all I have to do is to get #1 to appear on TV! Still, two out of three ain’t bad.

When I got home last night from work, I was in a very strange place emotionally. I was very sad. Everywhere I looked I had a memory.

Some were good.

Others were bad.

The walls of my house felt like they were beginning to fall in on me.

So I changed into my grubbies…..and went out and proceeded to work on treating my deck and fence for the summer. I kept active. I kept breathing. I kept remembering.

BUT, by the time I finished, I was pleased with myself and the job I had done.

The sadness had passed.

Storm Surge

Lucky me.

I heard from Lovey again today announcing that I was correct! My attorney HAD sent the documents to her attorney, and they were filed with the court yesterday. She emphasized that she was not being nitpicky.....she just wants this all over......because it has been sooooooooooooooo long.

I can't help but feel like Lovey and her attorney want to blame my side for the repeated delays. They both seem to forget the very long periods of silence from them when we have returned documents after our review. If we held them for even a day or two, they were on the phone trying to rush us.

It's amazing. Just when I think I've crossed the hurdle....and am improving daily.....something happens and I go into a protracted FUNK.

I've been dreading this final stretch of things, because I knew it would be a depressing time.

I was right.

This isn't really a very good place to be.

The storm is still offshore.....but nearing the cost. I'm standing near the beach......the tide is rising....the wind is driving the rain. It stings my face and my eyes...... I have no shelter to run to. I have to stand here and feel the full force.....of everything.

Can I truly survive this?

Storm Clouds On The Horizon

I’m coming down the homestretch for this silly divorce. Instead of relief, I’m feeling a sense of profound…and I do mean….PROFOUND sadness.

An era will close. Fond memories, what few there were, will continue to fade and I will will be left with the bitterness and emptiness left by the things I experienced through the long separation.

I had such high hopes for having an amicable separation/divorce. I thought I could remain a part of Lovey’s family and have a friendship with her. How naïve was that? I mean, in order to have an amicable anything or to remain a part of something, it has to be supported by both sides – not just by one.

I could see the writing on the wall early on in the process when I was accused of taking advantage of Lovey. She was pretty free and vocal about how awful I had been to her. Her description of me and her apparent experiences with me do not match the man that I know as me. I’m not one to take advantage of anyone, but rather I’m a gentle kind sort of guy. The only time I come out swinging is when I’m backed into a corner or I feel threatened.

Neither of which I have felt through this action.

What I have felt in this action in hurt….fear….anxiety……a questioning of my abilities……uncertainty…….insecurity……..distrust…….and aloneness.

The hurt brought about all these other feelings…..and a multitude of others with no names. Even though they are mostly directed at Lovey….there’s spillover into the rest of my life. I find myself viewing friends, lovers, and acquaintances in a new light. – wondering if I can trust them for example, or when are they going to do something to reject me, or when are they going to lash out and hurt me.

I suppose I am scarred by this experience. The wounds have been quite deep…so it will take time for those wounds to heal into scars. Scars that I can wear like medals of courage….of valor……of pure intestinal fortitude.

I need to muster some strength.

I see some darkening clouds out there on the horizon. The wind is increasing and the waves are getting higher. It’s the last storm of this season called separation/divorce. I’m all alone at the beach. I can’t invite anyone to join me here.

I have to survive this one last torrent of wind……of waves……..of fog…….

I just have to.

Welcome To My Twilight Zone

I’ve said this many times…and I am further convinced of this fact today: I am living and thriving in the Twilight Zone!

Today I received a call from Lovey. She said that she really wanted to get the divorce finalized, but that my attorney keeps nit picking her attorney’s documents apart – when in fact they don’t need any tweaking. She said that the final document went out from her attorney last week. Could I do something to my attorney to speed along the process?

I asked her when the document was sent to my attorney. She said on May 15th. I reminded Lovey that this was only one week ago today…seven days. I told her that I was sure that my attorney would handle it as quickly as possible.

Still, I was bugged by Lovey’s call.

Between her and her attorney…they want to cast blame and make it seem like we’re the ones holding up the final decree.

After I thought about this a little, I did some checking. I called my attorney and asked where we were on things. She said that she had received the final decree from the other side and that she had mailed it out first thing yesterday morning. She said that I should have my copies by today.

Well, I went home for lunch. Sure enough…there were my copies.

My attorney has had no other contact with the opposing side since she sent her testy email on May 2 where she challenged that attorney to never again accuse her of stalling our case.

So I wonder: does Lovey’s attorney communicate what is actually going on….or does he make it sound like my attorney is the one who is stalling?

Upon my return from lunch, I crafted an email to Lovey with my attorney’s two emails from early May where she outlines all the problems with her attorney’s drafts, AND the comment about never accusing her delaying the action again.

“Lovey:

I did some checking with my attorney, because the nitpicking comment you made didn't really sound like how she operates. She is thorough and has been very good at keeping me posted on what's going on. I learned that the final decree was sent back to your attorney yesterday morning early -- SIGNED. Once again, this demonstrates how quickly she tries to be. In fact, when I went home just now to let the dog out, I had my copies from her in the mailbox.

I'm attaching a couple of emails from the first of this month that were sort of amusing to me. As you can see, She made some valid points about incorrect information, wrong statutes, etc. contained in your attorney’s drafts. I don't know about you, but I do want everything filed properly the first time without it being rejected by the court or redacted. I really do appreciate her thoroughness.

I'm confident that if we were to look at the entire record, She has been extremely responsive whenever she has received something from your attorney and has turned it around extremely fast.

Hope this helps.”

Of course, I am the great Satan and am not to be trusted in any way.

It just makes me feel crazy at times because this is just one more example of how, when things are going about as fast as Lovey will let them, it just isn't good enough.

This happened all through the separation.

This happened all through the journey towards that god forsaken separation agreement..

And now it continues through the final decree!

Ick!

Jerry Fallwell

Jerry Fallwell died on Tuesday morning.

It’s always sad when someone passes away. It’s hard on the family and other dear ones that are left behind.

But what about the rest of us?

It’s us who brought down the twin towers on September 11.

It’s us who, when we can have children of our own, “recruit” unsuspecting innocent people into our deviant lifestyles.

It’s our agenda that made TINKY WINKY carry a purse. God help us all! Can someone send me the the memo please? I'm always the last one to know.

I have a connection to Jerry Fallwell. Several actually.

When I converted to Christianity, I went to a bible thumping, fundamentalist church in West Virginia. The church was modeled after Mr. Fallwell’s in Lynchburg. At the time, even our choir robes were identical to the ones used by Thomas Roads Baptist Church. In fact, my pastor’s son, served as the youth minister at Thomas Roads for years.

So, due to those connections, Mr. Fallwell made several trips to our church. He always brought a herd of people with him…most usually the LBC Chorale or some such name. After 30 or so years, one’s mind grows hazy.

I met Jerry. He was warm and jovial in a distant sort of way. I guess that's how you are when you are on the threshold of celebrity. I always said that if I become famous, I won't become like that. I want to just be me. The way I am.

I bought an album of their music. It’s vinyl. Jerry’s picture shnes brightly in the middle with the Liberty Bell and the American Flag unfurled in the background. I thought I would attend Liberty Baptist College! I have a couple of his sermons on vinyl. I suppose I should have had him sign these items. I didn't though.

Yes, Jerry was out to save America. He challenged me that day. I thought I could help him.

Not long afterward, something changed in me. I decided against Bible college and the ministry. I wound up at Marshall University. And now I’m working for the federal government. I didn’t accomplish that goal of becoming a minister. I didn’t join Jerry in his quest to save America.

I don’t believe he accomplished this in his mind either. After all, here WE are. Tinky Winky still carries his purse as far as I know Still gay after all these years. I was gay then too!

But, oh was I hopeful. I was told time and time and time again: “You can change.”

And, I believed.

Boy, did I believe!

I was told that all I had to do was to marry a fine, Godly woman. Make babies. That would change me. I’d see. Those perverted sinful desires would vanish!

Let’s suffice it to say that I married a woman.

I made babies.

But I lived in hell. A hell of my own making. All because of Mr. Fallwell and his ilk. The homophobes who couldn’t appreciate God’s plan of diversity or that God made people differently with differing points of view with different belief systems.

Nope.

They couldn’t.

They muddied the lines between Americanization and Christianization.

God is American, isn’t he? Wasn't that the Star Spangled Banner wrapped around Jesus on the cross?

And because of Mr. Fallwell and friends, I nearly lost myself. I nearly lost my relationship with God. I created a family that is now broken. I married a woman who is now scarred. I almost did myself in. I’ve seen hell. I’ve lived in it.

Forgive me Mr. Fallwell. I never did say thanks.

Appearances

First, let me say, that I have taken a few days off from writing in the blog. A lot of feelings have been swirling in my mind and I needed to just take a break and process them.

A lot of the feelings I’m having at the moment are some of the same ones I’ve had from the beginning. They’re kind of like old friends and I have to visit with them from time-to-time.

Still others are new. Some have hit me out of the blue and I’ve had to catch my breath and ask “Now, where did you come from?”

This past Friday night I went to my gay married men’s support group. I got there late, but still I sat and listened. Lots of the discussion centered around how some wives tend to define their wholeness by the sexuality of their husbands. Given my sensitivity about how wives become victims when their husbands come out and tend to focus the issue on themselves, not the guy who is battling the demons of homosexuality, this tended to push my buttons.

The men then turned to me and asked me to “check in” and report what was happening in my world of separation and divorce.

I have got to say that I’m getting to the point of being embarrassed at reporting that I’m still not divorced. It drags on and on and on like a really bad terminal illness that makes you so sick….but not sick enough to die…YET. You’re just sick enough to know something is wrong and to be miserable all over.

That’s how my silly divorce is affecting me.

Lovey and her faithful sidekick of an attorney make me angry.

WHEW.

I responded to the group that I was feeling a whole lot of anger these days about the delay in the divorce….the watching….the waiting. I also reported that I am still seething inside as to all the antics of Lovey during this process.

“You don’t live with someone for 25 years and then accuse them of doing things that are contrary to their very being,” I said coldly. “Like,” I went on, “accusing them of taking advantage of you when you have been allowed to live in his house rent-free, utility-free for an entire year. Or saying how they have never supported or respected you as he makes the first car payment for you because you don’t have your act together! Or being allowed to take all the furniture out of the house as you talk about all the hell your husband has caused you to live in all these many years.”

The anger is indeed building.

About the time this divorce is finally finished, I will have reached the tipping point of not wanting to have anything to do with Lovey or her family ever again. If I think about it, I’m probably there at this moment.

I don’t want to be near them. After I was ignored by them on my birthday, I ignored them on Mother’s Day. I ignored Lovey. After all she’s not my mother. Neither is her mother.

Lovey’s birthday is at the end of this month….I’m not acknowledging that one either.

It’s very strange to be in this new place. Sunday was my first Mother’s Day alone. No family around. No one to honor. I did get to speak with my mother a number of times and that’s what counts. I also spoke to my dad.

My girls called to see how I was doing. It was good to hear their voices. They mentioned Lovey in passing, but I made no comments. I made no inquiries. Yes, this is a new place for me.

In the last week or so, I have had a number of people make comments about my appearance. They are all totally unrelated incidents from differing walks of life. Still they have been made by people who have known me for a very long time.

They’ve all said how different I look. When I ask them how, they respond by saying that I look younger….happier….more rested. Mother has told me repeatedly that my lines have decreased in my face and forehead. One commented on how miserable I used to be with eczema all over my hands.

They’re right. It was awful.

But now the eczema is GONE!. No sign of it anywhere.

They say my appearance has changed…that I look years younger….that I have a healthy glow.

Yes these two years have wrought many changes in my life and in me.

I’m ready for summer.

Emergence

Spring is finally here. The weather has changed. It’s warm again. The trees are blooming. Flowers are in their full color.

And the pollen….oh that pollen……that AWFUL pollen is everywhere!

I’ve been popping Allegra pills like candy. Nasonex and Asteline are my nose’s constant companions. Although my allergies have caused me to almost lose my voice, you’re not going to hear any complaints from me. I love Spring and Summer. They are my seasons.

Everything is alive and beautiful.

The long cold dark night of winter is over.

When I was a kid in Mrs.Welty’s second grade class, we learned about caterpillars spinning cocoons and becoming butterflies. I was so amazed at how that happened.

Just think….an ugly brownish gray caterpillar weaves a cocoon around itself – a structure that could be likened to that of a closet – and it stays there. It stays there until the time is right. At that moment, instinctively it breaks through its confines and bursts from the darkness into the daylight. It has changed into a beautiful butterfly with vivid colors. No longer does it have to slowly crawl along a stem or leaf for nourishment, but it now has breathtakingly beautiful wings that lets it soar! It can fly from leaf to leaf!

I can relate to all these concepts.

Very well.

I’ve spent a very long night in the coldness of separation and divorce. I’ve been stifled in my closet of regret and fear about my gayness.

My cold dark night of separation and divorce is ending.

Instinctively, I know it’s time to break free of the confines of my close of regret and fear.

It’s time to leave the darkness behind and soar majestically into the daylight of the rest of my life.

No longer must I crawl through my life to seek the nourishment of affirmation.

I am me.

Another Little Victory!

Wednesday Night I had the honor of leading a Men's Bible Study for my new church. I hosted this event in my home.

The reason this was such a big deal is that I had not done such a thing in many, many years. I'd say that I hadn't led anything on this level since my marriage started its long slide to demise back in 2000 or so.

Why?

I guess in looking back on things, I just didn't have the energy to compete with Lovey and her ministry. Everything was about her. She exhausted me. In some respects it was like a leach. She would start in on religion, God, the Bible, from the moment she awoke until she closed her eyes at night. I was so tired of it. She made it feel like a competition of who was more spiritual.

When something like this happens, I tend to shut down. So, my spiritual life went down the tubes. It was simply awful.

It made my self esteem crumble....and wrecked my overall self-confidence.

So it was with great trepidation I agreed to host and to lead this month's DiMENsions Bible Study.

I created the lesson from scratch, like I did in the old days. I put it into outline form. I read from the Bible. Generally when I used o lead a study back then, I would find a passage of scripture and discuss it in the context of how it practically applies in life...most generally about something I was dealing with.

One of the main thingss I've been dealing with during the past two years is FEAR. And so, I took my text from I John 4.

It was an awesome study...one that ministeered to me as much as any of the other men there.

We studied the Bible over Pizza, veggies, and soda.

And the men talked.

They spoke of the times when they have been most afraid.

And how those moments revealed just how strong they were and how most of the times the thing that was feared most never came to be.

They also discussed the topic in terms of being a gay man -- a Christian gay man and just how much strength it takes to be bold and to come out and go against the current of mainstream Christianity and society to live your life as a whole human being.

I said that I just don't understand why it is that just because a person can make a strong emotional connection with another person of the same gender, it's a sin....it's wrong.....it's an abomination. Especially when we are commanded to love one another. What does it matter where the body parts slam into each other?

It's probably because of society's and the mainline church's fear of something outside the box of their brand of Christianity.

A Late Night Visit With Lovey

I just returned from a late night visit with Lovey.

No, it was not planned and no, we're not getting back together.

#1 is in El Salvador and making arrangements to move into her new house that she will be living in for the next two years. She's negotiated her rent which will be $15 per month. She's arranged to have the electrical connections made -- which is a big deal in El Salvador. She's bought some furniture...a table and some chairs. The chairs are $5 each. She also has worked with some contractors to cover her dirt floor with concrete.

All this required money...and she got Lovey to spring forth the $300 to cover these expenditures. She also, unbenownst to her, got contributions from one of her uncles, one of her aunts, and Lovey's new friend, the dentist who were able to chip in another $80. So, Lovey called me tonight from her mother's to see if I could make the deposit into #1's Bank of America account. I'm the only other person on that account and I have an ATM card. So, I drove to Lovey's mom's house, picked up the check and made the deposit.

I spoke with #1 and she is delighted.

While I was on the phone with Lovey, before I drove down to get the check, Lovey made a special point to say goodnight to the dentist......and she said to him, "Good night and bless you!" Made me sizzle inside...but that's okay. It's my issue and I covered well. I did not acknowledge her comments in any form. She also made mention that her sister.....the married one that is also interested in the dentist......was also there but suffering a horrendous migraine. Lovey asked how I treated mine. I wanted so bad to say, "I got rid of you!" But I was nice...and told her my treatment options for mine.

When I got to Mom O'Lovey's, the only person there to greet me was Lovey. She was pleasant...and asked if I was all right....blah...blah. I was direct.....straight to the point....no extraneous comments.

I picked up the check and I was gone. No fuss or muss. I did look back to see Lovey watching me walk to the car.

Hmmmmm

The Bank of America sits directly between my house and Lovey's mother's. So I stopped and made the deposit on the way home.

Everything's cool.

I'm glad that it's over.

Sometimes I feel very guilty at the negative feelings I have.

Tonight was not one of those times.

A Little Victory!

Yesterday I posted about the important need I have to achieve “little victories.”

Well, I am happy to report that today I have one!

When I arrived at the office this morning, I had an email that announced that I had been selected for a rotation through a different office. This will give me some much needed experience in another area and it will give me a break from all the normal stuff that I get to do.

So, I am thrilled! It will run from May 21 through June 29.

Someone is paying attention to me!

A Birthday Note From #2

Just now I got home from the office.

It was a very long and late day...

I went through the mail, and I got a belated birthday card from #2 in Nashville. As is always the case, she made me cry...here's what she said:

Dear Daddy,

I debated whether or not I should write this card right now, simply because I"ve had a kind of down day. But I wa thinking about you and what I would give right now for a Daddy hug, to be able to sit next to you on the couch, snuggle up and just be small again in those arms. I love thos emoments -- when nothing else matters, my troubles and fears disappear because I'm so safe there. This hasn't been the greates year for you and while so many things have changed, one truth remains -- you are a great daddy and you're mine! This is going to be a great year for you. Embrace the happy moments as they come, and accept the sad ones for what they are...stepping stones to more happy ones. I love you so much and appreciate your listening ear and support that you've given me recently and in years past. I miss you and can't wait to see you again and catch up on hugs! Love, #2.

She certainly knows how to get to her daddy.....

I can't help but believe that good days aren't too far away.

Little Victories

I am on a quest.

My quest is to experience “little” victories for myself. You see, these last few years have been filled with sadness, grief, depression, and darkness.

I’m sick of all this gloom and doom. I’m tired of feeling defeated and like damaged goods.

I’m also quite tired of feeling like leftovers.

There is nothing wrong with me. I am a good person. I am a person of worth. I am kind, gentle and loving.

So why do I keep beating myself up over this silly marital breakup?

Why do I keep conferring second-class status to me because of my gayness?

Why can’t I be happy living alone with Davy, the wonder dog?

Why do I always feel like a deer caught in the headlights of an 18-wheeler?

Where did all my insecurity come from?

Why do I feel like I’m going to screw something up or that something is going to come at me from left field that will put me under?

Where did this fear of me come from?

Is it possible this is just additional fallout from the spousal abuse spoken of by the therapists I talked to?

I had a long discussion with my boss today. I told him that after all the stuff I’ve gone through and been processing for the last few years I needed some “little victories” in various aspects of my life. I told him that I needed it on my job. I told him that I needed to have some concrete goals…something to reach for.

So we brainstormed a bit…and we came up with some stuff that I feel good about.

I long for the old Frank to reappear in all of his glory. That guy that was the risk taker…the one who had tons of self-confidence. He could do anything.

Where did that guy go?

A Raw Nerve

From the email I’ve received, it sounds like I may have hit a raw nerve in some places.

I’m also rather touched by the comments that express sorrow for me.

I certainly hope that the post on the wives didn’t come across as a whine… I sure didn’t mean it that way. I’m just angered at Dina McGreevey and Lovey making this situation about them. There never seems to be any consideration of any kind for the true victim…the gay husband…other than to label him as the bad guy.

Even my commenter Robert Phillips alludes to this in saying “You made a decision that not only affected you but her. Yes you told her early on, but you shouldn't have given into peer pressure and married in the first place.”

But, Robert, keep in mind these thoughts:

I was 23-years-old when I got married. I had very little worldly experience. Hindsight is always 20/20. If I knew then, all that I know now, I wouldn’t be keeping this blog and I certainly wouldn’t still be mourning the loss of a long-term marriage.

Back circa 1980, I had been advised by my pastor that all men have same sex attractions at various points in their lives. All I had to do was to experience the love of a good woman and have a hot session or two between the sheets and it would serve as the master reset button and set me on my way to being a happy hetero.

I believed him.

I mean, I knew I was different, but I was told I could change. I desperately wanted to change.

I didn’t set out to mess up Lovey’s life. I dare say that most gay men who marry women don't have such motives. The gayness is about the gay spouse....not the straight one!

My one point is, why does the wife have to take on the responsibility and turn this into something about her…..her needs…..her experiences……her closet…her feelings…her hurt. Why is the husband generally the bad-guy? Why can’t he be given a benefit of the doubt and his struggles be validated? Or give credit for his extensive time in the closet?

I had no agenda when I got married. I didn’t want to deceive anyone. I did not want to hurt Lovey. I certainly didn’t marry her to hide anything. I married Lovey because I loved her and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I wanted her to be the mother of my children. I wanted to shelter her and take care of her until we parted through death. Isn't this the reason anyone gets married?

To my commenter Cymber, after all that I have been through there is a great temptation to tar all women with the same brush. But just as there are bad gay husbands who go out and screw anything that walks unsafely and then comes home and has relations with their wife unsafely, exposing some to STDs or HIV, there bad ex-wives. On the flip side, there are some good guys out there, like me, who are just trying to deal with things…..and there are patient ladies who also are trying to deal with things in a quiet, patient and loving way.

I only wish I had had a wife like that.

The Poor Wife

When a husband is struggling with the gay issue and finally is able to articulate his feelings to his wife, why is the wife always the victim?

Why does it become a case of the wife being “lied to”?

Why has the wife thrown her life away?

How does the husband’s homosexuality become all about the wife?

I’ve had a hard time dealing with all these issues up close and personal as I have had to navigate the waters of marriage, separation and divorce. But, in my case, my wife has now known for almost 25 years about my gayness and we’re just now getting to the final step of the divorce process.

At some point in the process she became a martyr. If you were to broach this subject with her in person, she’d cry and stalk off and deny all this. But in reality, she likes playing the role of martyr and to make it sound like I have done something horrible to her.

Here’s what I did over the course of 25 years:

• I told her that I had gay feelings.
• I spent much time and energy being prayed for, delivered, and having demons cast out of me. (We were involved in a very fundamental Christian denomination.)
• I joined my local chapter of Homosexual’s Anonymous.
• I prayed.
• I cried.
• I grew suicidal because I wanted to die. My thinking was that since I was going to hell anyway for being queer, I might as well jump start the process.
• I worked myself silly to be able to have a solid career in order to provide for my family.
• I worked to compensate for my other shortcomings. If I couldn’t perform in the bedroom (because of the stress and performance anxiety), I’d make it up to her in other ways.
• I quietly worked to get support as I came to terms with my issues. I joined some online support groups and a gay married men’s organization in my city.
• I began seeking counsel from an understanding pastor at the local MCC church.
• I slowly began to accept myself as a gay man.

But somewhere along the way, I became the villain in my wife’s eyes. I was not as spiritually deep as she was. It became a contest as to who was more spiritual….the queer or the preacher. Most folks would automatically believe it was the preacher who was the most spiritual. I received no credit for all that I tried to do to change and be the person that society and the church expected for me. What about the fact that in dealing with the stress surrounding this issue I made myself ill…physically and emotionally?

No, my issue suddenly became all about her. She was withering inside. There were no support groups she felt comfortable bearing her soul to. She was in the closet she says, but she did a yeoman’s job of pushing me out into the glaring sunlight outside the closet…naked in front of all our friends and acquaintances.

She was raw inside.

She said that she always encouraged me to be who I was and to explore my sexuality. Yet, I made her life hell because of all my marital infidelities. I’m the guy that told her what I had done….and I had asked her for forgiveness. She said that she did…but in fact she hasn’t. She made it sound like I was swinging from the chandeliers having indiscriminate sex….after all, isn’t that what queers do?

Nobody seems to care about the torment I faced and the reasons behind the decisions I made.

It’s all about the poor wife.

The husband is on his way to hell, after all, because of his deviant lifestyle.

I watched Dina Matos McGreevey on Oprah this week. In some respects Jim McGreevey and her made a fine couple…they seemed to deserve one another. He had some serious political aspirations…and came across as a bit arrogant and as all politicians do at some point in their careers….a little slimy. She, the self-righteous Roman Catholic, was forced to smile at a key point in his press conference. She stayed with him and slept in the same room with him for many weeks afterwards.

She liked the power….and the stuff that comes along with it.

But now she’s a martyr…and self righteous. She’s offended by a picture in her husband’s home of a nude man…that she’s only heard about. She doesn’t want her daughter to take communion in an Episcopal church that he has become active in.

Yes, she wants you to know that his gayness is all about her. SHE says that he’s not gay. He’s bisexual because she saw him checking out women.

Yes, beware all you guys out there who are struggling with being gay. It’s really not about you. So don’t take it personally. It’s really about your wives or girl friends. Those innocent souls you’ve lied to….you’ve used as beards or covers…..

Yes, you’re the villain.

Don’t you ever forget it!

A Lesson Learned

Here I am at what should be the conclusion of things, and there are more delays. The attorney for the other side is apparently inept at best. The documents he sent over for my attorney’s signature are sloppy…not very well proofread…contains fragments……he can’t seem to get my home address right…..(although he has been told repeatedly)…and other inaccuracies.

When I got home last night, I received in the mail a copy of the stuff Lovey’s attorney had sent to mine. This was the stuff that got my attorney all cranked and I can understand why. We just seem to be going around and around in circles.

Who knows?

I definitely have reached another milestone in my journey. It was helped by the fact that no one from Lovey’s side of the family acknowledged my birthday in any form. This has spoken volumes to me.

I don’t mean to be “babyfied” or overly sensitive, but gosh y’all. I spent over 25 years in that family. Technically I’m still part of the family.

They all said they loved me and that I was “special” to them.

Indeed.

I’m beginning to believe that all that affection they had for me was shallow at best. This is probably why I was never comfortable with them at all. It was hollow….shallow…..phony….fake.

Never genuine, but felt like there were strings attached…quid pro quo as they say.

So, here I am, having celebrated my 49th birthday with my parents….definitely deep-sixed from the O’Lovey family and I finally “get it.” Oh, I forgot to mention that I got an email from Baby O’Lovey. It was one of those religious right emails that instructed me to go to the website, wakeupamerica.org and read all about how muslims are going to take over the U.S. and women will be forced to wear head coverings, etc.

After much soul-searching, I have come to the painful conclusions that the only thing I was good for was the creation of the O’Lovey grands. (Probably as time goes on, my role in that endeavor will be further diminished to the point of their creation being a rather immaculate conception!) The only other thing I am apparently good for is to be a source of income for Lovey!

I “get it.”

I know my place.

I know what the rules are.

I desire no further contact with any of them.

At the moment I am bitter. I am angry. Because I feel that I have been portrayed in the worst possible light which is inaccurate. I want to defend myself. I want to scream at them and tell them what the real story is.

But these feelings will pass. I know that.

The bottom line is, I am moving on without any connections to “them.”

A painful lesson learned.

Time to Say Goodbye

I've arrived at a conclusion.

Based on the fact that the O'Loveys continue to push my buttons and that Lovey cannot seem to get her attorney under control, it is time for me to sever the ties I thought I had with them. Coupled with the fact that my birthday has come and gone, and yet none of them can not so much as even acknowledge that, it appears that the love they prided themselves on saying that they had for me was shallow at best.

So, I will withdraw.

No more references to Lovey's mom and mother....no acknowledgment of mother's day either. Lovey's birthday, which comes on May 25 will not be acknowledged by me. Neither will her mother's birthday in July be acknowledged.

I'm not feeling petty. BUT, I'm just tired of the drama....the pretense.....the games. It is now time for me to begin my life over...without them.

There is going to be a bridal reception at Lovey's Mother's house on June 2 for Lovey's niece and husband who were married in Cozumel around New Year's. I'm invited to it, but I am not going to go there. It makes no sense for me to take part. I plan to give them a gift of some sort privately. But I'm not going to be a part of this festive occasion.

I've given some thought to the attorney issue described earlier today. There is absolutely nothing to negotiate. There is nothing to talk about and sitting down with Lovey and her attorney would do no good. The wrong Virginia Statutes have been cited.....the order is filled with fragments......duplicate entries.....and refers to Lovey as "him".... to name a bare few.

AH....the aggravation of it all.

It makes no sense.

But it will be over soon...I pray.

FRUSTRATION: Plain and Simple

My birthday was outstanding!

I heard from all three children, spent some quality time with my parents, and heard from friends that really mattered, including my Brokeback Mountain!

However, as they say, all good things must come to an end. Boy, when I arrived at my office, things certainly came to a screeching halt. All I had to do was read the email that had come into me while I have been off. One in particular caught my eye. It was from my attorney.

This is how it began:

“You say that "it really is time to get this done", but you keep sending me orders that I cannot endorse.”

It ended with:

“And please do not send me any more letters that imply that I am stalling this case. I would have signed your first decree a month ago if it was done correctly.”

Does this give you any sense of what I’ve been dealing with? Lovey dragged her feet for almost two years, and suddenly it’s as if my attorney and I are the ones that have stalled.

I’m very frustrated.

Why can’t this all be OVER? Why is Lovey’s attorney being so difficult? Why does he continually cite language that is only applicable in cases where minor children are involved? Why has his documents been so sloppy and done so poorly?

Clearly I don’t understand.

Now that we’re at the end of this difficult process, you’d think they’d be over whatever game they feel the need to play. But, they don’t seem to be finished.

Do you suppose I will be officially divorced by summer?

Happy Birthday Frank!

Happy Birthday to me! At 6:52 a.m. I turned 49 years old. One more year ande I turn the big 50....but not yet!

What a year. I went back and reread the post from this time last year. I can certainly see the big-time growth that I have experienced. Last year at this time I was pretty frightened of my own shadow. This year, I'm moving on....albeit slowly, but surely.

My mom and dad came up from West Virginia to spend my birthday week with me. We went to Harper's Ferry yesterday and had a grand time. We then came home and just visited with each other. Mother told me some stories of the day I was born....and how I was born in a Catholic Hospital. She also told me about one of the nuns, Diane, stuck right with her during the labor and delivery.

We also talked about a lot of my relatives...a lot of whom have departed this life and are now on the other side. It's so very sad as we get older, the number of people we lose.

So far I've heard from a number of friends and relatives. Tomorrow my office is having a catered affair to celebrate my birthday at lunchtime. It certainly is meaningful to hear from so many, who have remembered my birthday. I also had a couple of friends to take me out over the weekend for my birthday. That was something too.

I guess the most amazing part of this whole year is that I have made some great new friends. The most amazing part of all is the fact is that they appear to sincerely care about me.....as a person....and want me to be happy on this, my day.

It's funny, but during the marriage, I generally had a very few people who would remember.