It Hurts...BAD!

It's very late.

I'm tired and I should be in bed, getting a restful night's sleep because I have a very busy weekend planned. I have so many chores that need to be completed....and I've been invited to a cookout. Still, I'm wired...and just can't seem to settle down enought to shut my eyes.

I just completed a very long conversation with #1 in El Salvador. Word had it that she wanted me to call her when I had a moment. So, I decided to call her late...there's a two hour time difference.

She wanted me to talk to her about my feelings. How am I doing with things? She knows me all too well and could tell by my not talking about certain things, that something must be "up."

So, I just let everything flow. I let her know some of my most private thoughts...my hurts.....my fears......

She asked something very pointed. She wanted to know if I had known a few years ago that this was all coming, would I have divorced then? I told her no.....that I would have done whatever was necessary to keep the marriage intact.

Silence.

"Wow, Dad! That says a lot about you." she said.

Folr the millionth time she listened to me ramble on about my hurts......my pain.......my overall mystification as to why things happened.......why I'm still troubled.......why it still hurts.......and how there's not anything that can be done to make it all better. Taking Lovey back certainly wouldn't do that.

This is just one of those defining moments in life that must be experienced alone.

Like death.

I finally asked if there was any way she could understand what I was trying to say. She said that she did. Her only wish was that she wishes she could do something to make it all better. She told me she loved me......and that she was there for me.

It was comforting...

I told her that this was the last gasp of the divorce process......that I had learned along the way that there were speed bumps.....and that I needed to cross each one as it came in order to move to the next higher level. I told her that I expected the filing of the final decree with the court system would be such a speed bump.... Since it was near the end of the process, I expeced it to be a doozy. But, I am right....I feel the storm nearing the shore.....and here I am, a sitting duck.

But I must experience this.

Healing is ahead.

Good things are ahead.