Appearances

First, let me say, that I have taken a few days off from writing in the blog. A lot of feelings have been swirling in my mind and I needed to just take a break and process them.

A lot of the feelings I’m having at the moment are some of the same ones I’ve had from the beginning. They’re kind of like old friends and I have to visit with them from time-to-time.

Still others are new. Some have hit me out of the blue and I’ve had to catch my breath and ask “Now, where did you come from?”

This past Friday night I went to my gay married men’s support group. I got there late, but still I sat and listened. Lots of the discussion centered around how some wives tend to define their wholeness by the sexuality of their husbands. Given my sensitivity about how wives become victims when their husbands come out and tend to focus the issue on themselves, not the guy who is battling the demons of homosexuality, this tended to push my buttons.

The men then turned to me and asked me to “check in” and report what was happening in my world of separation and divorce.

I have got to say that I’m getting to the point of being embarrassed at reporting that I’m still not divorced. It drags on and on and on like a really bad terminal illness that makes you so sick….but not sick enough to die…YET. You’re just sick enough to know something is wrong and to be miserable all over.

That’s how my silly divorce is affecting me.

Lovey and her faithful sidekick of an attorney make me angry.

WHEW.

I responded to the group that I was feeling a whole lot of anger these days about the delay in the divorce….the watching….the waiting. I also reported that I am still seething inside as to all the antics of Lovey during this process.

“You don’t live with someone for 25 years and then accuse them of doing things that are contrary to their very being,” I said coldly. “Like,” I went on, “accusing them of taking advantage of you when you have been allowed to live in his house rent-free, utility-free for an entire year. Or saying how they have never supported or respected you as he makes the first car payment for you because you don’t have your act together! Or being allowed to take all the furniture out of the house as you talk about all the hell your husband has caused you to live in all these many years.”

The anger is indeed building.

About the time this divorce is finally finished, I will have reached the tipping point of not wanting to have anything to do with Lovey or her family ever again. If I think about it, I’m probably there at this moment.

I don’t want to be near them. After I was ignored by them on my birthday, I ignored them on Mother’s Day. I ignored Lovey. After all she’s not my mother. Neither is her mother.

Lovey’s birthday is at the end of this month….I’m not acknowledging that one either.

It’s very strange to be in this new place. Sunday was my first Mother’s Day alone. No family around. No one to honor. I did get to speak with my mother a number of times and that’s what counts. I also spoke to my dad.

My girls called to see how I was doing. It was good to hear their voices. They mentioned Lovey in passing, but I made no comments. I made no inquiries. Yes, this is a new place for me.

In the last week or so, I have had a number of people make comments about my appearance. They are all totally unrelated incidents from differing walks of life. Still they have been made by people who have known me for a very long time.

They’ve all said how different I look. When I ask them how, they respond by saying that I look younger….happier….more rested. Mother has told me repeatedly that my lines have decreased in my face and forehead. One commented on how miserable I used to be with eczema all over my hands.

They’re right. It was awful.

But now the eczema is GONE!. No sign of it anywhere.

They say my appearance has changed…that I look years younger….that I have a healthy glow.

Yes these two years have wrought many changes in my life and in me.

I’m ready for summer.