The Poor Wife

When a husband is struggling with the gay issue and finally is able to articulate his feelings to his wife, why is the wife always the victim?

Why does it become a case of the wife being “lied to”?

Why has the wife thrown her life away?

How does the husband’s homosexuality become all about the wife?

I’ve had a hard time dealing with all these issues up close and personal as I have had to navigate the waters of marriage, separation and divorce. But, in my case, my wife has now known for almost 25 years about my gayness and we’re just now getting to the final step of the divorce process.

At some point in the process she became a martyr. If you were to broach this subject with her in person, she’d cry and stalk off and deny all this. But in reality, she likes playing the role of martyr and to make it sound like I have done something horrible to her.

Here’s what I did over the course of 25 years:

• I told her that I had gay feelings.
• I spent much time and energy being prayed for, delivered, and having demons cast out of me. (We were involved in a very fundamental Christian denomination.)
• I joined my local chapter of Homosexual’s Anonymous.
• I prayed.
• I cried.
• I grew suicidal because I wanted to die. My thinking was that since I was going to hell anyway for being queer, I might as well jump start the process.
• I worked myself silly to be able to have a solid career in order to provide for my family.
• I worked to compensate for my other shortcomings. If I couldn’t perform in the bedroom (because of the stress and performance anxiety), I’d make it up to her in other ways.
• I quietly worked to get support as I came to terms with my issues. I joined some online support groups and a gay married men’s organization in my city.
• I began seeking counsel from an understanding pastor at the local MCC church.
• I slowly began to accept myself as a gay man.

But somewhere along the way, I became the villain in my wife’s eyes. I was not as spiritually deep as she was. It became a contest as to who was more spiritual….the queer or the preacher. Most folks would automatically believe it was the preacher who was the most spiritual. I received no credit for all that I tried to do to change and be the person that society and the church expected for me. What about the fact that in dealing with the stress surrounding this issue I made myself ill…physically and emotionally?

No, my issue suddenly became all about her. She was withering inside. There were no support groups she felt comfortable bearing her soul to. She was in the closet she says, but she did a yeoman’s job of pushing me out into the glaring sunlight outside the closet…naked in front of all our friends and acquaintances.

She was raw inside.

She said that she always encouraged me to be who I was and to explore my sexuality. Yet, I made her life hell because of all my marital infidelities. I’m the guy that told her what I had done….and I had asked her for forgiveness. She said that she did…but in fact she hasn’t. She made it sound like I was swinging from the chandeliers having indiscriminate sex….after all, isn’t that what queers do?

Nobody seems to care about the torment I faced and the reasons behind the decisions I made.

It’s all about the poor wife.

The husband is on his way to hell, after all, because of his deviant lifestyle.

I watched Dina Matos McGreevey on Oprah this week. In some respects Jim McGreevey and her made a fine couple…they seemed to deserve one another. He had some serious political aspirations…and came across as a bit arrogant and as all politicians do at some point in their careers….a little slimy. She, the self-righteous Roman Catholic, was forced to smile at a key point in his press conference. She stayed with him and slept in the same room with him for many weeks afterwards.

She liked the power….and the stuff that comes along with it.

But now she’s a martyr…and self righteous. She’s offended by a picture in her husband’s home of a nude man…that she’s only heard about. She doesn’t want her daughter to take communion in an Episcopal church that he has become active in.

Yes, she wants you to know that his gayness is all about her. SHE says that he’s not gay. He’s bisexual because she saw him checking out women.

Yes, beware all you guys out there who are struggling with being gay. It’s really not about you. So don’t take it personally. It’s really about your wives or girl friends. Those innocent souls you’ve lied to….you’ve used as beards or covers…..

Yes, you’re the villain.

Don’t you ever forget it!