Crushes and Exploding Myths

Have you ever had a romantic crush on someone?

I’ve found that in my life I’ve developed crushes on people that are unavailable. As a kid, I remember having a crush for Ron Ely for example. Ron Ely was TV’s Tarzan. Never in a million years would I be able to have Ron Ely…especially at the age of 9!

As I grew into puberty, there were other boys and adult men that I would develop crushes for. When I would be in their presence, I’d find that I would get all tongue-tied and flustered….my face would burn….and I would turn crimson. It was sooooo embarrassing.

Being gay didn’t help things any because you were considered abnormal – a social outcast.

So I learned to bottle things up…..and to “pine” for the people that I had crushes on. Every night at bed time, I’d conjure up some romantic fantasy in my head and drift off to sleep as I thought about these people.

As I started living on my own and exploring my sexuality, I started to stir up my courage, and actually discuss my feelings with some of these men. Sometimes my lustful feelings were returned….at other times they weren’t. Always, when turned down, I would be thanked with a comment like: “I’m flattered that you find me attractive…..or that you care so deeply for me, but I’m not ‘that’ way.”

I’d be devastated.

Then I would go into my shell – vowing to never have a repeat of this situation.

I would go for months until once again I developed a crush and the cycle would start all over again.

As a single gay man, I feel like I did when I was a teenager again – hopelessly romantic……having secret crushes…..and never being able to express my frustrations and feelings without incredible fear of rejection.

It’s all so very confusing and sometimes overwhelming.

You see, my “Brokeback Mountain” and I have a very strong and loving relationship. I can actually say that I love him deeply. He and I have been together for almost 10 years. We’ve experienced much of life’s drama together. But as I have discussed previously, due to his marital and other commitments, he’s not always available.

I understand this.

We’ve discussed it many times.

He has his needs and I have mine. I now am a single gay man with lots of time on my hands. He’s gay and married with not as much time on his hands. So, as much as I would want to partner with him, I don’t think it will happen any time soon.

As I’ve opened up more to who I am, I find that I’m placed in settings where there are other gay men. This is new territory for me. I’m finding that I develop crushes on certain men. As I subtly find out more about these guys, they usually are partnered already or married. While I think that I have excellent taste in men, I’m not nearly as successful in finding the available ones.

I don’t want to appear needy or desperate. I do want to appear approachable. So, I’m working on raising my comfort level in being around different types of gay men.

I’m also learning that I have grown up with some very strong myths in my life. The strongest of these concerns my appearance. When I meet someone that lights up my switchboard, I always discount it by saying, I’m not attractive enough for this man. So, I guess my attitude shines through and it does not make me approachable to any of these men.

When I first met “Brokeback”, I thought he was the most attractive man on the planet. (I still do.) At the time I was trying to sort out all my drama…..and I remember thinking, “Ah, he’ll never be interested in somebody like me….he probably has a little black book the size of the Northern Virginia Yellow Book.” I was wrong.

I was invited to a gay party back in January. There were gay men of all sizes and shapes in attendance. However, there was one in particular that caught my eye. I’ll call him Mr. Crush. He appeared younger and buffer than the rest. He had sandy blond hair that was soft and fine. He had a moustache the same color. He was well groomed and well dressed, and from what I could see, very articulate. I also watched how he treated people. He was kind and gentle and had a killer smile that seemed to light up the room. I approached him….to make small talk….but I picked up a bad vibe…..He was aloof. I guess I was just too old for him….or that I was an ugly troll in his mind that he just couldn’t bother himself with. So, I sort of faded back into the woodwork. I had that hurt puppy feeling. I wanted to run away and hide.

So, back in April, another friend had another party and invited me. When I showed up, about 25 people were there milling about. So I began to mingle with the people I knew. Over in a corner, Mr. Crush stood alone. I floated over to where he stood and said hello. He turned and began chatting with me. I felt that we actually connected on some levels. It was refreshing. He remembered me from January. Just then a large group of men came over and separated us . We got sidetracked in our conversation. I had to leave…but kept kicking myself for not being more aggressive in giving my name or email or cellphone number.

After several weeks of trying to get his name and email address from people I knew who attended the party, the host finally gave me his name and email address.

I gathered up my nerve and wrote him a quick note. I basically said, “Hi! I’m Frank. I’m not sure you will remember or not, but we met at Allen’s party and chatted a while. You seem like such a kind person, I just wanted you to know that I think you are great guy who I would be honored getting to know better. Have a great day.”

Several days passed and I was amazed to get a very warm note from him. Of course he remembered me he said. He thanked me for my comments and also expressed interest in getting to know me better. Would I be interested in lunch sometime?

So in checking schedules, we were able to finally meet, all alone in a quiet little restaurant he knew. He’s 37. And in keeping with my record of crushes, I also found out he was married (14 years) with 2 small children (6 and 4). But something did happen that brought a smile to my face. We were talking about the kind of guys that we’re attracted to. I told him that I was attracted to kindness, warmth, overall appearance, etc.

He was a bit more direct.

“I’m into attractive older men like you Frank. The first time we met,” he said. “I got flustered when you attempted to talk to me. You must really have thought I was a jerk!”

I laughed.

“No, I just thought that I wasn’t young enough or buff enough for your taste.”

“Not AT ALL,” he said. “You are fine. Mighty fine.”

I think I just need to relax.

The divorce is not yet final. I have 25 years of issues to work through. I’m on the rebound and do not need to be entangled in another relationship at the moment. I need to focus my energies on liking myself and to just be who I am, naturally – without pretense.

I guess the hardest thing of all will be to discard those old myths I had about myself.