I’m an awful person.
I heard from my daughter in El Salvador. She telephoned me late last night to say that she had just gotten the latest newsletter from my former church -- the church that Lovey was on staff of before she flitted off to the Shenandoah Valley.
You know…the one that had the pastor who all but ignored me during Lovey’s and my separation. Yes, that pastor who responded to my email last year with a handwritten note that said something about how he hoped I would give their church another chance…and how much he wanted to be my pastor…and how he realized that they had dropped the ball with me. He also said in that handwritten note that he had handwritten it because he wanted me to know how important he considered my “cry for help” and that he wanted “desperately” to have dinner with me and to get to know me better.
That was in October 2006. It is now June 2007.
No calls.
No dinner invitations.
No conversations.
Absolutely nothing.
Yes, him. And, that church.
Well, #2 called to say that she had read in the clergy column about how that pastor had decided to restructure things at the church. It seems that he has a burden for “hurting” people. So, he’s saddled “caring” ministries with his associate pastor.
This week she wrote a glowing column about her new duties, and #2 wanted to tell me the exciting news!
The associate said, “Much to my delight and joy, I will once again be focusing on caring for others… Because I’ve been so involved in programming, there are many events in your lives that I haven’t been fully aware of. If you have anything that you would like to talk with me about, please give me a call, and/or ask to see me!”
Hmmmmmm.
Boy, there’s a lot I could talk to her about! I would ask her, “How is it that you can have a staff member who is going through a divorce, after a long term marriage, and you and your senior pastor can’t seem to muster the grace or the “care” to pick up the telephone to say, ‘Frank, are you okay? Do you need anything? Can I pray with you?’”
Can you sense my bitterness?
Do you detect a tinge of hostility?
Enough!
I need to let it all go.
I just need to move on.
Still, the anger and hurt lurk just below the surface. If I’m not careful, it will fester and I will turn into an angry and bitter old man. This is something I don’t want!
Now this may sound strange – especially if you’re not from a spiritual/religious background, but I feel God dealing with me.
Yup, it’s there and it’s something I can’t seem to get away from it.
I think I’m being called into a pastoral ministry…sort of an emphasis on pastoral counseling. This call is growing stronger and I don’t know what to do to start dealing with it.
In order to do this….I need a few things.
First and foremost, I need to complete my counseling degree. I’d have to do this on a full time basis because, knowing me as I do, I could never be a part time student. I can’t stay focused when I have too many tasks to deal with. The grades would suffer. I would want to be at my best.
But in order to do this, I need money…and a lot of it because I would want to retire from my job so that I could focus on my studies full time.
How much is a lot?
I don’t know, but the amount would probably have to be in the neighborhood of what I make on my job for several years. Then, I don’t know what I would do. Would I pastor? Would I hang out my shingle as a counselor?
Just thinking about all this makes me dizzy.
But, I know that I could help lots of people….perhaps specialize in the gay thing and with men who are struggling as I have. Or, maybe I could help the wives of such men. (I couldn’t help Lovey though…..but…)
I need direction.
So, I just need to sit and wait. If God really wants me to pursue all this, He certainly has the ability and all the resources to make it happen.
Could those of you out there who are from spiritual/religious backgrounds remember me in your prayers/devotions?
Pray that the proper doors will open.
Pray that the resources will flow.
Pray that old Frank here will be sensitive to the answers as they come and that he won’t do anything stupid.
1 comment:
I think churches have a very dificult time supporting their members when there are two conflicting sides to a situation. For example, at the church where I work, a woman who provided daycare was charged with harming a child in her care (shaken baby syndrome). Church people who had known her and her family rushed to her defense saying she would never have done something like that. Meanwhile, very little support was given to the family of the injured baby, perhaps as they were less well known. The family of the baby eventually left the church.
In my own case, my ex-gay-husband and I were both members of the church at which he worked. When we separated and divorced after 19 years of marriage after he came out as gay, said he never loved me, and wanted to go live the gay lifestyle, his church supported him - not me.
I guess what I'm saying is that churches not being able to be effective ministers to both sides of a conflict are not unique to the gay issue and perhaps the church, for better or for worse, tends to be most supportive of the person with whom the ministers feel the stronger connection. If one of the parties actually works at the church, that person is likely to get the support.
Of course, I don't like this whole deal any better than you do Frank, and haven't spoken to my ex's parish priest in months and actually never plan to step in the church again, if I can help it.
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