I heard from my attorney again today. The Qualified Domestic Relations Order (QDRO) has been drafted and is being circulated for approval by all the affected parties.
Let me explain.
When one is going through the painful separation/divorce action, one of the many things that have to be divided is the accumulated assets. (Liabilities and household goods have all been handled at this point.)
In my case, I bought Lovey out of the family home. She took the majority of the furniture (I hated that furniture and was glad to get rid of it!) I got certain kitchen pots and pans. She got the others. She took the Wedding China and the flatware. I got the Wedding Crystal – monogrammed glasses, goblets, etc. and the ornamental silver trays, tea service, etc. I also got other odds and ends, because Lovey knew that I would hang on to them for the kids. I think also she knows that in the ministry, she’s gonna be moved from place-to-place, while I will tend to stay in one place for the most part. Some of those items included the wedding cake top…which is sitting in my china hutch. I also got our anniversary clock, which is also in my china hutch.
All that stuff looks great with MY china that I bought myself in honor of MY 25th anniversary last December.
So, one of the other main issues that had to be decided concerned retirement funds. Lovey and her attorney zeroed in on my Civil Service Retirement. They demanded that she gets 50% of the marital share…i.e. the amount of retirement based on my high-three salaries between December 12, 1981 and June 9, 2005. My share of the annuity will continue to increase as long as I continue to work and garner performance increases.
My attorney, bless her, then turned her attention to the “other” retirement accounts each of us has. Because of my working for the government, my employer is not as generous as what some of her’s has been. Additionally, I have a 401(k) and a Thrift Savings Plan.
She spent 10 years as a legal secretary and one of the big law firms here in DC. She took an $11,000 pay cut to go be the administrative assistant to the dean. But that retirement fund manager is TIAA-CREF – a very good planner.
So, when all was said and done, Lovey had a lot more retirement funds in her plans than I had in mine. In the name of equality, she owes me $70,000 of her money. When she found this out, she went through the roof!
I held firm….my attorney held firm. Since she had dawdled for two years, she now owes all that plus interest. She went through the roof on that too!
In order to make the transfer to me of that significant hunk of retirement change, a QDRO has to be drawn up that directs her plan administrator to “show me the money” and to put it into a retirement fund of my choosing. So, it is this document that is circulating now. When approved, and the final divorce decree is entered, the money is transferred…and all this becomes but a bad memory…that hopefully, will fade over time.
Meanwhile, I’m still trying to figure out why I respond mentally, emotionally and physically the way that I do, whenever I see something from my attorney in my email box. I have the same response when I see Lovey’s name there too.
I think the rush of bad feelings come from the fact that all this is so very new to me. I feel some pressure about decisionmaking….decisionmaking that will affect my long-term future. I don’t want to screw up….and I’m so very skittish and unsure of myself.
The bad feelings I get when hearing Lovey’s voice or seeing an email from her come from the fact that I have had such negative exchanges with her on the most stupid things. Things that are only fair and just have been met with resistance on every hand and I have been made to feel like the villain.
These negative feelings have spilled over into the fact that I don’t want any further direct dealings with Lovey or her family. It’s why I am currently ignoring any telephone calls from them. It also helps that I am quite busy these days and have begun to develop my own social whirl. I’m just not at home waiting for telephone calls from them!
I honestly wish that I could sit here and say that I have this wonderful relationship with my X or that we have become the best of friends and that I love her so. BUT, I can’t say that. I don’t know that I will ever be in a place where I can ever say that. You see, I have suffered not only from the pain of the separation and the divorce, but I’m suffering from the pain of the treatment she put me through during the process.
And, I remember some of the worst times of the marriage.
You see, I’m not sure that she ever loved me the way that most wives love their husbands. Of course, the same thing can be said about me. I probably never loved her the way that most STRAIGHT husbands love their wives.
But, you know something? I did love her as much as any gay man can love a woman. I was willing to sacrifice a hunk of who I am because of this.
That era is over.
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