FLASHBACK -- To a Sicker Time (December 3, 2004)

I was looking through my office archive of email traffic looking for an important document, and I came across the attached email I sent to Lovey on December 3, 2004. I only vaguely remember it. The event(s) have faded from memory, but in reading this, it literally made my blood run cold. It also put knots in my stomach. It definitely puts me right back at that time and I remember what I felt then.

Yes, this looks like the handiwork of someone who has suffered from abuse.....

Oh, it is so much better not to have to have this in my life now...

-----Original Message-----
From: Frank
Sent: Friday, December 03, 2004 12:23 PM
To: Lovey Work (E-mail)
Subject: Thoughts...
Importance: High


Lovey:

I'm not too sure what I can do or say at this point to make things better for you, but I will try through this note. Keep in mind that I love you...

SOME THOUGHTS TO CONSIDER:

I had no clue that:

You were not having happy thoughts about yourself.
You were beating yourself up for all the things you see yourself accomplishing before the holidays and before the kids' arrival.
You were suffering from issues relating to the MSM fiasco.

From my perspective, I felt that I was being "jumped on" for a whole boat load of moving targets. As I addressed each issue, the target changed and ultimately it appeared that nothing I could say or do would make it better for either of us.

When you sat down on the bed last night, and said "I am very angry right now....." right or wrong, this put me on the defensive as I responded "What did I do now?"

From my perspective, since we had scheduled the time to go to Florida for a break, I had been quizzed about a whole host of issues, i.e. what are we going to do about the dog, what are we going to do about the cat, you still haven't moved your stuff to the basement like you said you'd do, etc. When you did this, again, right or wrong, I felt like I was being challenged and made to feel like I'm a lazy lump. Futher when you made me feel like I always leave domestic chores for you, that I show no support for you even when you're ill, that I could care less when, in spite of your illness, you choose to cook and I do not eat what you prepare and so on, I felt backed into a corner...and the need to defend myself. I felt as though all my efforts had been grossly discounted.

Then, when I began defending myself, you went away and sat in the dark. That's why I came downstairs to ask, "What's going on? Why are you down here in the dark?"

Your responses made me concerned to the point of my further asking about the medications you're taking. This was out of concern...

However, I now feel guilty that I ever defended myself, because it caused you enough grief and anguish to not sleep, to be all depressed and to be on edge now. So going forward, this leaves me but two choices:

To continue to defend myself in other similar situations in the future, knowing that the same ending will result, or
To totally accept the fact that all the things you say about me are true and grow silent, just to keep the peace.

Again, from my perspective, I thought the conversation was over when you laid down on the bed. It appeared to me that since I felt I was continually reacting to moving targets throughout the previous discussion, your laying down indicated that you were through.

Now I feel like that I did something wrong because I didn't further the conversation.

So, what am I to do now?

---------------END OF MESSAGE--------------