Yesterday was a relatively calm and peaceful day here at Chez Frank. I slept in very late...and then I had a quiet day of relaxation. I finally got up and showered around 7:30 p.m. to meet a friend for coffee and to grab dinner.
My son was busy going to Memorial Day parties, so I spent the day alone with my dog.
For all the moaning and groaning that I've done about looking for a mate....or longing for having a special man in my life....I'm amazed that when it really comes to where the "rubber meets the road"...I'm afraid of going "that" far.
So, where does this fear come from and why does it surface at this point in my journey?
How did I notice its presence?
Well, yesterday I got all caught up in watching this season's "Grey's Anatomy." One episode dealt with a soldier's bout with a brain tumor. In the course of the story, a buddy from his company shows up in fatigues. It seems that the sick soldier's father has called the buddy to help encourage his son during these serious treatments. As the story unfolds we find that these beautiful young men are more than friends. They are lovers. And, in pure soap operatic fashion during a tender moment in the hospital room....as Dr. Grey looks on, they kiss passionately...only to be interrupted by the father. The father orders the young man to stay away from his son.
The lover sits in an adjacent waiting room....not able to communicate with the love of his life. Dr. Grey tries valiantly to intervene...but because of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell", the sick soldier goes off to brain surgery with only one last longing look at his lover in the waiting room -- afraid to incur the wrath of his father.
The young man dies on the table....the father relents and allows the soldier to come in to pay his final respects to his son....alone.
Dr. Gray watches from the doorway as the soldier approaches his loved one's lifeless form.... He bends down and gives the young man one final, tender kiss.
It tore my heart out.
But something else also tore my heart out.
Perhaps its my own internal homophobia. Could I ever be "that" open about things? Is it the fear of having a partner and letting the whole world know about it....is that what's so frightening to me?
Am I better alone?
Or is it the fear of relationships in general?
I certainly don't have the greatest of track records when it comes to those now do I?
I just don't know.
The only thing that I do know is just how hard this "Gay Thing" makes everything.
2 comments:
Frank;
Maybe it is also that you KNOW that the relationships that we see on TV and that we build up in our minds are FANTACIES. You know that any real relationship with a real person is not all sweetness and light; that in reality the gritty grimy parts are not left in the editing room. That in all relationships we do hurt the one(s) we love from time to time, and it is only from helping each other through those painful processes that truly strong relationships are built. I liken it to what needs to happen to build muscle mass – there will be many “feelings” some of which will not be pleasant before we feel the joy of new strength. That building process does not fit well into a 30, 60, or 90 minute format (especially when commercials are deducted).
The relationship that you have built with your son, I think, is a perfect example. Over the years you have had to state and enforce your needs, you have had to give him his space and let him be who he is. It has not always been pretty, there have been times of hurt, but the relationship – your love (wanting what was best for him) – was the most important thing – and it has paid off.
Adding sex adds another dimension, but does not fundamentally change things. However, I think that there is something about THE GAY THING that is unique. That is that I find that a lot of gay men have been very wounded by society as a result of TGT. Many of us have been so hurt that we can not face the prospect of the pain that needs to come from building another relationship. We often would rather use the high we get from sex like a narcotic to dull the memory of the past pain that we are trying to forget. Dating usually involves covering up the problems – or at least revealing them very slowly – sort of like selling a house or used car.
Of course, in reality most of us are emotional “fixer uppers”, and like anyone who has bought a house that “needs work” will tell you, there is a lot more work involved that you ever first realize, but if you fall in love with the basic package and have the resources to stick it through, the results are ever so much more rewarding than just renting something convenient. The real difference here is that a house is an inanimate object and only you have to decide if it is worth it, with people, you must both come to that conclusion, and what gets “fixed” is ourselves.
Rick
The way we (gay men) restrain ourselves in public is sad. I am a very affectionate man, and I'm afraid I'll mess up by kissing a friend in public. Just a friend, mind you, not a date or a lover. But I'm just that way.
I'm at the point of wanting the whole fucking world to know, come what may.
I know I'm a fool, but an affectionate one, anyway.
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