It's very quiet here at my house. Today is my last day off for the Memorial Day Weekend. My son is still asleep upstairs and I'm awaiting the furnace/ac people to come and replace the vent from my hot water tank....and look at the dryer vents.....and the vent on the roof that had been leaking some.
Hopefully they will be here by noon.
I've been contemplating my existence all morning -- just trying to sort out and figure out my feelings that I have. Sorry to say, I've not gotten any closer to sorting things out than I was when I posted a lot earlier in the morning.
In his comment, Rick raised some valid points. The way that I view things, life isn't all romantic. In TV programs for example, all we're seeing is what the writer and producers wanted us to see. They showed us what they believed to be the most important elements of the relationwhip. Still, the Greay's Anatomy episode did stir those old feelins that appear from time to time. Like having a pssionate.....serious relationship where I won't be seen as leftovers...but rather the main course. Where someone will want to take care of me....and be there for me. Where my knight in shining armor whisks me away to happily everafter.
[I'm not selfish....because I give just as good as I get.]
But life is never what we have in our fantasies. We all live in the real world where there is worry.......there is heartache........there is joy.......there is pain......there is laughter........there is happiness.......there can be contentment.
Still, the gay thing frightens me..... It's like the boogey man under my bed in the middle of the dark night.
I'm afraid of it sometimes.
Homophobia......internalized........mine.
1 comment:
Ah yes Frank, internalized homophobia is our boogie man! That little (maybe not so little) voice that keeps telling us that we are not worthy of having our needs met because we are gay (those people who do not fit the mode of society so are somehow “less”). That voice tells us that our relationships are too tenuous to survive the calm assertion of our needs to those around us. So when we believe that voice we hide our needs (sounds like the closet all over again, doesn’t it?) rather than saying, “I need this (what ever it is) now, and I’d like to get it from (or with) you”. Rather, when we believe that voice, we often “let it pass”, (we do not believe that our need is worthy of someone else’s attention), then the hurt builds and becomes anger. Anger is corrosive to relationships.
What are we angry about? Why because those who we hold dear are only being human. They can not read our minds (that’s a strange thing about real humans unlike the fantasy characters that inhabit TV land) so thay do not know what are needs are when we do not tell them (and say it like we mean it). They sometimes are not in a position for what ever reason to meet our needs (real humans have limits) maybe we need more “servers” in our lives. They sometimes do not know or know how to articulate the needs that they have that in turn are blocking them from meeting ours (real humans have their own real problems expressing their needs).
I think that what happens with gay men “of a certain age”, is that the pool of prospects does get a bit restricted. First of all, we are talking about only 5% + percent of the population. Then they have to be “free” to take on a primary relationship. And lastly there has to be that special chemistry between the parties involved (to make enduring the inevitable pain worth it).
I think the greatest problem is the being “free”. That does not just mean not physically having some other primary relationship (a definitely necessary but by no means sufficient condition), but it also means being emotionally free. By being emotionally free, that means first of all wanting a relationship (rather than just the high of sex), and being willing to do the changing that may be needed to make a new relationship work.
Mature gay men who are physically free seem to fit into two major categories, either they have given up on wanting a relationship or they have left over scars from a prior relationship. With those who have given up, all you can do is ride the high of a sexcapade or two. Those that really do want a relationship, also fit into two categories those that understand they have emotional scars and are willing to work with you, enduring the pain, to break them up so that they can heal properly, and those that either are unaware or unwilling to do so.
All said, the pool is small, you’re not going to find mutual attraction with all those in there, and only few of those really are good emotional prospects. The small pool you handle by going where they live, I think you do that already. The mutual attraction thing you can not control at all (but you can quickly weed out those who are not physically available – just don’t go there, do you really want a primary relationship with someone who would be cheating on their current primary relationship to be with you?). As for being emotionally available – here is where the head has to rule (sounds silly – but you have to be each other’s therapist and that is a very hard headed analytical exercise). One way to test this, is by seeing if the other is willing to discuss your calmly asserted needs, and share (trust you) with you their own needs. If the answer is yes, you have a partner you can work with, if not enjoy the sex for as long as it lasts (and don’t look for anything more).
Rick
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