A True Funk

Yesterday I was in a true, deep and dark funk.

It should not have been that way. It's no one's fault but my own.

Still I was in a funk -- an old fashioned funk. It has been quite sometime since I have experienced one at that magnitude. Not since the days of Lovey and I have I felt that way.

First off, the day was not the best weather wise. The metro area was blanketed in a deep, thick, fog. On top of this, add a gray misty blanket to it all and you can sense the kind of day it was.

It was also my dad's 80th birthday. I remembered his last birthday -- two years ago. The hospital bed. His struggle to live. I found myself there all over again.

Gosh I miss him. As I got ready for church, I found myself in tears. Crying about his loss.....crying about the loss of my mom.....the mourning of their lives...and how important they were to me.

I got myself together long enough to head to church.

Long years ago when I set up this blog, I vowed that I would always be authentic. This is not, nor will it ever be, a puff piece that makes me look good. This is meant to be a journal of my feelings...and of my journey...formerly in a straight marriage....now as a gay man.

So here goes.

I think I shared a long time ago that I had been involved with a married guy during the last 11 or 12 years of my marriage. Lovey had even provided her blessing on that, and pronounced that I had excellent taste in men. This relationship served as a great stabilizer and in the words of that guy's wife, we were truly good for each other.

Following my divorce, he came to me one day to announce:

"I love you enough to let you go. We are now out of sync. You deserve someone full-time to be your partner. I can't be this for you because I can't leave my wife or my family."

I was dumbstruck. I told him that no one expected him to leave his wife. I said that I was not expecting that. I wasn't even ready for anything full time. Can't we just keep going as we have been?"

He answered no....and that was that.

Finito!

12 yers down the tubes in one fell swoop.

So I got to experience the double whammy of losing my wife....and the man that I thought had been my soul mate.

Not long afterwards, my parents' illnesses took center stage and so I put myself on the backburner to deal with another day.

Yesterday I dealt with their loss some more.

I also had to deal with my former lover.

He and I go to the same gay church. We see each other periodically. He is still married. His wife and I remain Facebook friends. It's alway warm and affectionate when when he and I see each other at church. Even though the romance has been long gone....seeing him has always conjured up good feelings.

Some well-meaning friends of mine had said that they thought he was seeing someone else. They had observed him playing footsie during church with a fellow congregant, etc. I made no comment.....or any observation. After all, it's not my business.

But yesterday...I saw it all firsthand....and it just added to my feelings of sadness....and yes, of failure. My two familiar haunts were back. Sadness and failure.... Sadness over the deaths of my parents.....and my miserable track record of maintaining or heck even attracting a relationship.

There they were....all close....all touchy.....all affectionate.

But I suppose the thing that hurt the most is that the guy that my former lover is now seeing is not a married man. He is not in sync with him. He is a single..gay man. Just as I was when I got dumped.

Because I deserved someone full time.

So I ran to my dark places of feeling unwanted...and unloved. What was wrong with me? Why wasn't I good enough to maintain what we had going for all those years? Why not me?

After all these years....old familiar feelings returned. Oh, it's silly I know. It's really not about me. It's about him.

But it added to the funk....

Today is my off day. It is cold and dark.

The funk is still with me...but thank god it's not what it was yesterday.

A Strange Trip to WV

I just returned from a trip to my hometown in WV. It was so very strange on so many levels. I had one task to do, which was having a gas leak repaired at the house I inherited from my parents. It is another ghost of repairs past made by my well meaning father.

The thing that really bothered me this time came in the form of those silly telephone apps that I have on my telephone. These apps are ways to meet other gay men in close proximity to where your phone is. Well, while I was in WV, I began receiving messages from closely and apparently very horny gay men. They were horny gay married men.

That doesn't surprise me....because most of the gay men in that area are deeply closeted.

I just decided to chat some of these guys up. But I was surprised by what they were looking for.

They were direct and to the point.

They wanted to meet me for sex....unprotected, barebacking, penetrative, gay sex with me. When I asked, "Aren't you concerned about the fact that you know nothing about me....you know nothing of my sexual history.....I could be crawling alive with all manner of disease....and then when you penetrate me...you are exposed. Then you take it home to your wife!"

Their response floored me. They each said that they weren't concerned or that it didn't matter!!!

I gracefully declined their offers.

My goodness....if this happens in my relatively small hometown....is that the feeling in the majority of the population in major areas like where I live? It scared the heck out of me.

Don't they care at all about their wives?

Discussion with a Friend

I have a very good friend who is married to a woman and struggling with being gay. Sound familiar?

He is younger than me and lives in another state.

His wife found out about a year or so ago...and it has not been pretty. He really is struggling with things.

He travels much for his job. The type of men that float his boat are those who I identify as the exotic asian types. It strikes me that this is his ideal...yet, when he hooks up with one of those in another city, they treat him clinically. He has shared some emails with one guy in particular...and for all the feelings my friend had for this man -- well I was a bit taken aback by the tone of the email. It actually verged on the cusp of being cold. This was after my friend had spent several nights with him exchanging intimacy.

So my friend and I have been commiserating. I, with my Alex experience and he with his experience.

In the realm of the gay world, there probably isn't a man alive that doesn't have some type of a "perfect fantasy" guy in their head. Mine was always the muscular, massive chest, military type. But as I have journeyed towards acceptance of myself as a gay man, I realized that my fantasy and what actually was available did not always match up.

I had to make some concessions.

I also had to learn to accept myself and enjoy the man I have turned out to be. This self-acceptance and love for myself has gone such a long way in improving my self-esteem. I see it in my self-confidence. I even see it in my appearance and in photographs of myself. Other people notice it too!

I worry about my friend. He is at the stage where he appears to be fixated on his "type".

But someone who really cares may be under his nose and he just not see the forest for the trees.

I try to practice what I preach.

Lessons Learned

My experience with Alex taught me several things. It taught me just how important my friends are to me. It also taught me that it pays to be guarded with matters of the heart. Finally, it taught me that it is actually hard being gay.

At least in straight situations, the role models are firmly fixed. Society has put expectations on how those relationships are supposed to work. It also has set up various rituals or institutions to make sure they do work.

But gay relationships are fraught with all kinds of challenges. Not only do we have to seek out role models....that are not always easy to find, but due to the marginalization and abuse of gay people emotionally...physically...psychologically...well...gay folks potentially can bring a ston of baggage to a relationship -- some of it not even rational.

Alex made it known that he thought I was perfect. I was wonderful. The sun rose and set with me....and on and on and on and on.

So much so, that I had many red flags to go off in my head. I thought..."wow, if this man, that I don't know, can be this easily smitten by the likes of me...well, then he can fall out of love or whatever with me just as fast...or find someone else." Thus, I kept my guard up.

Totally.

So as I process all this...and hopefully one day meet someone with whom I can have a wonderful relationship....I have to wonder if what I look for really exists? I mean...I want a man that will care for me as much as I care for him. I want to matter to someone else. It would really be nice to be treated as number one in someone's heart and life for a change....rather than leftover...or pushed to the end of the line or just taken for granted.

I remember that while dating Lovey, she made it a point to tell me that her ministry would always come first. Dumb and naive me thought...well...I'll be occasionally number one. True love conquers all. Boy, was I wrong on that. In 25.5 years, I NEVER came first.

It may be unrealistic...but I won't settle for this ever again.

For the right man, I will move heaven and earth to be there for him. To honor him. To cherish him. To be there for him in good and bad times. To be there in sunshine and rain. To love unconditionally. To accept any shortcomings and not try and change him into the man that I want him to be.

Isn't this is what love and relationships are all about?

Or am I being Pollyanna?

Gay Male Dating Strangeness

At the men's retreat I recently attended, I was somewhat pleased with myself. I was actually dating a guy that I had met about two weeks before. We hit it off. We were enjoying our time together. We went to movies…..went to dinner…..went to lunch….had dates…. We were always in touch! He chose not to attend with me.....

BUT

The weekend of the retreat I was tremendously disturbed at his behavior….he grew silent….almost sullen. I could not reach him during my time at the hotel. Then when I returned home…and was able to talk to him again…..everything seemed ok. But the feeling nagged me. He was not pleased that I had friends….and that I was spending time that weekend with a whole nest of gay men.

I suppose he thought it was just one massive orgy.

We got that all straightened out. He seemed ok

Then last weekend, I went off to a Church Retreat with 25 other gay people….mostly women. We spoke via apple FACETIME…..and it just went down hill. He got really almost hateful….and controlling…..

It was clear that he did not really like that I have friends.

So I was forced to choose between this very special man….that I thought was "the one"….or my dear friends — the people in my life that are closer than family. In fact, I consider them to be my family. They have loved me for years…..they have encouraged me through my times of questioning….through my separation and awful divorce…..and the devastating illnesses of my parents and their subsequent deaths.

One week ago today he sent me an email to say I was disinvited from spending several days at his beach home last week. So, I responded, "You're right. I don't think I need to be there this week."

Nothing more.

My friends won out.

I spent 25.5 years in a controlling environment. Not going there again.

Just a bit wistful tonight and thought I'd share

Be Careful What You Ask For

For years now, as I write this blog, I have whined and gone on and on about my strong desire to have a man -- a boyfriend -- a partner -- a husband.  However you want to describe it.   So, back in late September, a man -- very close to my age, contacted me through one of those silly telephone apps on my IPhone.  One thing has led to another and I now find myself on the verge of a new adventure.  

And I am frightened.

Can you believe it?

You might be wondering what it is that has me so fearful.  Well, I guess when I think about it I see the ghosts of my previous relationships.  Namely that pesky longterm one I had with Lovey and you all know how successful that one turned out.

This man is a gentle spirit.  He is a giver.  He is sensitive.  He is so talented.  He travels in circles...and has many friends and I kind of shake my head and think sometimes that he is way out of my league.  He's been married twice.  His second wife was a minister in the United Methodist Church and graduated from the seminary that Lovey had worked at for so long.  

Our lives have tracked very closely on very similar paths...parallel through the years, until they finally intersected on September 26, 2012.

We like the same things.  He has no children.  I am only a few weeks older.  

And here we are.  I just don't want to do something wrong.  I feel such pressure.  

But there is another thing that bothers me.  

All the years I have searched for a special man....I spent a lot of time playing the field.  I know what I like.  I know the types of men I like.  I've been insatiable.  So, I question myself and wonder if I can really be monogamous...or will I suffer from what a lot of other gay men do.  

The desire for an open relationship.  Can I focus now on just one person?  (I think I can.)

Can I be faithful? (I think I can.)

Can I let my defenses down and learn to trust another human being after that terrible time period with Lovey?  When things I told her in private, suddenly became public knowledge for all to know and some of it was even used against me?  (I think I can.)

Can I let myself go and truly love again?  (I think I can.)

But I am afraid.  

Afraid of failure.

Afraid of commitment.

Afraid of being a disappointment.

Afraid of him and his circle being "out of my league."

What if I don't fit in?

What if I am not liked by "them?"

What if my kids don't like him? 

What if he does not like my kids?

What if his extended family do not like me?

I guess I will never know.

Unless I give it my best shot.

Thanks for your thoughts!

I have always loved the paintings of the late artist Steve Walker.  I found this video on YOU TUBE and thought I would share.  It speaks to me on so many levels.

Serious Reflection on My Experience

It has been a totally interesting week.

Last weekend I attended a men's retreat in Washington, DC at a really super hotel -- blocks away from the White House.  These are men who, for the most part, are still married to their wives, but are dealing with the revelation that they have determined they are gay or bisexual.  The majority of these men have told their wives of their desires or experiences and each man is working to navigate the appropriate path that works for them and their wife.

Now, I should caution each of you to remember that just because a group of 40 gay men gather together in a hotel for an official meeting that this is not some mass orgy of writhing flesh.  Cardinal rule #1 in being gay is that just because you know another gay man, it does not mean that automatically you are going to be bumping booties with him.

Sorry to say -- a lot of straight wives automatically "run there" when their husbands decide they want to attend one of these functions.

The Saturday session was emotionally draining for me.  I heard a number of what I consider to be horror stories.  I heard how some guys have been diagnosed with clinical depression.  It takes quite a bit of effort for them to motivate themselves to remain married.  The guys who are nagged to death and not permitted to have any male friends whatsoever because the spouse automatically expects that some sort of screwing around is taking place.

There are the spouses that start up another honeymoon period post disclosure as if sudden interest in straight sex will somehow purge the gay guy's mind of sex with his own gender.  This appears to quickly wane.

I remember back in the day when I was together with Lovey, I was always afraid to have friends.  I was afraid that Lovey would think that the only reason I was friends with someone was because I was trying to get inside his pants.  The best way to describe this is "guilt by association."

And I managed to sit through the stories for many hours on Saturday.  It became my turn soon to share my journey.  Although I must say mine has been painful -- added to that are the terminal illnesses of my parents and their subsequent deaths....and then I was forced to deal with that aftermath, at least now I can say I have seemingly emerged from the other side of that very dark tunnel.  While sharing though, it was as if I was back there again...circa 2005....feeling all the angst....unsurety....and depression all over again.

I was drained...and depressed.  It lasted until Monday or Tuesday.

While it was a good visit with my friends within the group, I must confess that I had an unexpected blessing to occur.  As I spoke to the men I mentioned writing this blog...and how I found it to be quite useful in dealing with the crumbling marriage.

At break, I had a man come up to me and say, "Frank, I heard you say that you write a blog.  Which one?  I told him OUT OF THE ASHES.

The man fell apart and cried....and told me that I would never know how much this blog had helped him in his journey!  I was shocked and blessed to know that my whining and feeling sorry for myself had somehow been a blessing to him...and that he felt it was quite useful.  I told him that I came to a point that I thought I might end it...and that of late there have been man slow periods...but it provided such good documentation on my journey, that I had decided to keep writing...and to leave the almost 900 posts intact.

So, I suppose I still have several new stories to tell.  I guess I will continue writing.

Hopefully you will continue to read this.

Flashback

It is Monday evening. This weekend I attended a gathering of married men who are married to women but either identify as gay or bisexual. It was a great group meeting. Almost 40 men were there. We got to socialize and become reacquainted. I got to spend time with guys I had not seen in 7 years. I also made a series of new friends. This was an awesome group. At the Saturday main session, each man was given the opportunity to share his story and his current situation. I was very moved by the other men. Some of them had really bad stories to tell. But when it came to me and I began summarizing my story, I suddenly found my mood had sunk to the levels of depression that I had experienced routinely circa 2005 or 2006 -- about the time I started this blog. I made it through my description. But I succeeded in spending the rest of my weekend and the majority of the day today has been in a very deep funk. It has been a long time since I have been to that place of profound sadness and depression. It was so bad hat I was bored at the local strip club I took a group of these men to. They had an exciting time....watching the young guys shaking all their kibbles and bits in their faces. But I was unmoved. It just seemed all so shallow to me. One of the men who came to the club with me was in his early 80s. He had a great time. He took his shirt off. He then touched the strippers in their permissable way....nothing above the knee or below the navel. But when he was running around the place and touching the men and seemingly in an almost religious trance, I could not help but notice that the guys were there to provide entertainment. But there was no special bond or connection that could lead to a relationship or intimacy. I suppose that I am now at the age where this is important to me. I suppose this is where my funk came in. All these men were like kids in a candy store over the weekend. They were gleeful about being away from home to be "gay for the weekend." What I think is that there is so much more to being gay than just looking at men 24/7. There is a whole lot more to me and to living than just being gay.

Is This Love?

Well, Alex and I are officially "dating." This is from his lips to my ears. We both are taking this very slow. But it feels so very good to be in his presence. I feel comforted. I feel safe. The feelings are all there. They are quite strong. I daydream about him. I light up when I see he is calling me. The time flies when I am in his presence. We marvel at how close our lives have tracked. We are the same age. We have been married to women. We were married to female Methodist ministers. We have so much in common it's a bit spooky. It feels like we have known each other forever. Yup...I think this is love.

Columbus Day

Happy Columbus Day you all. As I write this entry, I am sitting in the waiting room at a hospital. This is because I brought my daughter in law to have some really serious nasal surgery done. (She has no sinuses...so they are going to be built.) So, I thought I would use this time to write an update on all things Frank. It has been quite a busy year. My son got married. He was deployed to Afghanistan, where he currently is. My grandson arrived on the first year anniversary of my father's death. The hous in WV was emptied. We had a massive estate sale. The renovations were done. The house got rented. And now, I have met someone who could very well be the ONE. So 2012 has certainly been a very busy and interesting year. From a gay perspective, I have become a lot more settled with things. I am a lot more relaxed. I've come out to a few people...including to my daughter in law. I've experienced nothing negative or any negative response in the least. So far, life is good.

It Appears To Have Finally Happened!

A man has entered into Frank's life. Oh, don't get me wrong.  I have tons of male friends.  I have had a million crushes.  I have played the dating game on many occasions -- only to have had my heart broken in the end. This is WAY different. After I took care of my parents' house and all its renovations, then got it rented.  After going through probate.  After having a very painful liquidation sale of their belongins.

After all this....and all the other stuff I have been through for many, many years, I decided to do something solely for me for a change.

I decided to cast the net far and wide to see if I could finally land someone "special."

By special, I mean someone to actually love.  Someone that I would know is thinking about me.  Another man on the planet who wants and has an emotional connection with me, "Mr. Out of the Ashes."

So I placed several ads in cyber space that explained my situation and what I was looking for.  I got lots of weird responses.  One man wanted my dirty underwear shipped to him.  Another wanted to date me but because I am very busy, he accused me of searching for something (yeah, I was), and that he hoped I find it. (Clearly it wasn't him...he didn't get it.)  He hung up on me.

Other men that I found were of a similar vein.  Or they expressed interest and never did anything about it.  Or others talked the talk...got what they wanted...never to be heard from again.  

So this past Wednesday morning I get a brief message from a guy on one of those sillly phone apps.  It said, "Hi.  Similar journey, live in Rehoboth, but work in Monday - Wednesday.  Top bottom ... it's really about passion and connecting for me at this time in my life.  Enjoy the great Setpember weather."

This began what is promising to be a wonderful relationship.  We are proceeding slowly...but we are both exceedingly taken with each other.

We've met in person.  We spent two hours talking about everything.  He is well known in certain circles.  He is quite artistic and in great demand.  But he is unassuming.  He was married to a female minister for a number of years.  She was older than him.  (Sound familiar?)  No kids or grandkids.  

We've been using technology to our advantage.  We speak several times per day via phone.  In the evening we spend time chatting via the MAC "FaceTime" application.  We are going on a dinner date on Monday evening.

There has been quite a change in me.  Folks have noticed.  He and I are almost identical in ages.  

It's good.

My heart flutters.

I believe this is the guy I have been looking for.

Keep your fingers crossed all.

Life Continues...

 Goodness!  It has been forever since I posted last.

I apologize for neglecting you all summer long.  But it has been very busy between trying to finish up my parents' estate, nursing my sick dog, and then having some work done on my house.  Additionally I have been able to get my childhood home rented.  So this has alleviated quite a bit of stress off my mind.

A few weeks ago, my dog finallly succumbed to the cancer that had been ravaging his little body.  It is not quite the same without him here.  But I have determined that I will not have another animal.  They take a lot of work and with my wacky schedule, it is not fair to have it spend the majority of its day alone in my house without human contact.

What else has been happening with me?

Well, I am trying to figure out me in general.  While in caregiving mode for so long, I neglected me.  I lost me in the process.  So now it is my time.

I have opened myself up to dating lots of new people.

This experience has uncovered a seamy underside of gay life that I find really troubling.  I think that gay people as a whole have had to hide for so long....and they have been marginalized or deemed as pariahs for such a long time, many are scarred.  They cart around more baggage than the average person.

I made friends with a couple of gay men on my summer vacation.  One is still married to a woman and he lives in terror of his wife finding out.  Man #2 told me about the physical and psychological abuse that he suffered from his partner 20 years ago....and how his family mistreated him too.  He finally turned to alcohol, drugs and a fast life that led him to crashing and burning.  It left him shattered and he was utterly afraid of people.

Both marveled that I was able to just start a conversation with anyone.  The server at the restaurant....the lifeguard......people in the pool.....  These are things that I have had to work on as I negotiated the trip from married "straight" man to gay single man.

They don't know the work that I had to do in order to feel totally at ease with myself and how I had to break down the barriers in my own mind in order to reach out and just make friends.

Still there they were.  And here I was.  I gave them unconditional acceptance....let them talk....and they seemed like very dry sponges.

Another man, a fireman, told me about the childhood sexual abuse he went through as a teenager.  The Ph D who told me about the rape he suffered 15 years ago that left him with PTSD....and alcoholism.

I am totally amazed that for all the negativity I had to experience, nothing ever rose to the level of trauma these men experienced.

But I am shocked at the viciousness of gay people.  If I had thin skin I probably would have taken my marbles and gone home ages ago.  For example:

There's the guy that answered one of my dating ads.  He looked fine....seemed nice....we scheduled a date....and the more he talked...the more I lost the "magic."  He was unemployed.  He had three children that he is estranged from.  One of them is homeless....and he hasn't done anything to try and help him.   After our date....he wrote to say he didn't feel the magic with me...which is fine.  But when I thanked him for telling me that....and that I hadn't either...he got mad and hateful.

Yet another man, who kept sending me all kinds of notes....and his phone number....got mad when he thought I didn't call him like he should.  (My world does not revolve around the dating sites.)  Finally when I was able to schedule some time for him...he accused me of being at a difference place than he and that I should not call.  I simply responded.  OK.

Then there was the man who sent me the nasty gram that told me that my ad was DELUSIONAL.  He said I had NO RIGHT to be on the site.  BLAH>>>BLAH.

Finally, on another one of those sites (I cast my net broadly) I happened to comment on how well done a particular ad was written.  He responded that "I AM NOT INTERESTED AND I AM NOT LOOKING!!!"  (Well then why is he on a dating site?)  I said in response, "I am just giving you a compliment not asking you to marry me.")  His response?  "GOOD!  NOW LEAVE ME ALONE!"

So, old Frank is still here....still believing that there is love....and monogamy in the gay male dating world.

Perhaps I am delusional.

Dating Again

It has been a while since I concentrated on "dating." I've just sort of taken things as they come....and if a man expresses interest on some level, then I will go out and share a meal...and get a sense of the type of man he is. Most of the time, I just go home...and am a bit disappointed at the result. So, I've taken things into my own hands and gotten out more. I've put myself out where the gay guys are. I've even posted my profile on some of those dating sites with very mixed results. In other words, I am not smitten....and ready to jump into bed or run to the altar with anyone. It used to be that I was fixated on getting my rocks off. That's not a very good confession is it? But, it was a distinct part of my sexual development. I spent much time pursuing the physical. Don't get me wrong, it was pleasurable. I got to know some super sweet men in the process...some of whom are very dear friends. But, alas, they are not what I am looking for. That slow burn....and those "feelings"...just have not occurred. So, are my standards too high? I recently posted the following ad on one of those sites: SWM, relationship-builder, 54, six feet two inches, two twenty five pounds, looking for a friendship that can potentially catch fire and turn into something special. Not into the "scene". No fast hookups. Into classic cars, old and new movies, photography, junk stores, antiques, flea markets, romance (I love being pursued), weekend getaways, Christian with a strong faith. Laid back, easygoing, low maintenance, drama-free. Tremendously affectionate! Love to touch. Hold hands. Kiss n cuddle. When it comes to sex....not into mechanical piston action. Looking for that intense and slow burn of something magical -- lovemaking. While sex is important....this is not my primary goal in placing this ad. Looking for a caucasian that is willing to explore a serious connection. Age range I am thinking of is thirties to sixties. If any of this resonates, drop me a note. Tell me about you. Send a face pic. PLEASE...no naked pics. I am no collector...it does help to see who I'm chatting with. I have a few face pics I too can share in return. If you're one of those mindless game players, move on. I'm seriously looking and hope that you are too. So, one of those early posts came from a guy that included a picture of him with his pants down, face a bit concealed. I knew from the moment he posted, this was not going to work out. He was my age. He likes to cook. He apologized for the picture but said it was the only picture he had of his face. (Really?) He was looking for friendship...and possibly more with the right guy. With some trepidation, I responded. I sent him a clear face shot.....with my gray hair blowing in the wind. The next day he responded with: "Thanks for the additional information. There will be no further communication with you." THWACK........ Felt like I had been hit up the side of the head with a 2 x 4. But I am old enough to know that one should not take any of this seriously. Clearly he was not as much into friendship as he tried to say he was. If you're really into friends, you aren't driven by inner lust or attraction. A friend is a friend. A mate is a mate. If you're lucky in life, you get one in the same. I have heard from married men.... I have heard from partnered men who aren't having sex with their partners because each one is consumed with guilt....one with catholic guilt....and the other with pentecostal guilt. (God bless religion.) I have heard from men who say they want me to pee on them. I have heard from men who want me to fist them. I have heard from men who want to "do me" while dressed in wig....high heels.....and panties. Er ummm.....all from my little ad above. Whatever happened to the normal...sane....good guys? The ones who are wanting to meet a real man....to build a relationship with. To forge a connection. To work on something long-term? I attended the DC Pride Festival today. I arrived feeling festive....but by the time I had circled the even two or three times...I was feeling kind of sad. There were some awfully attractive looking guys....walking around and holding hands with other attractive looking guys. There were even some attractive guys wandering around with some relatively unattractive guys....but they seemed awfully happy. Kind of made me wonder...am I that awful to look at? Why can't I find someone? Do you think it will happen for old Frank here? I'm not totally discouraged. These things take time I know. But gosh...you're gonna see one awfully gosh darn happy man here when it happens!

Musings from a Hotel Room in WV

Hey there.  As I write this I am in a hotel room in my hometown.  It sure feels bizarre to be in your hometown, but staying in a hotel.  

My parents' home has been totally and continues to be renovated.  It's looking great.  My new tenant moves in July 1st.  Who would have ever believed that I would become a landlord to someone!   But I will become that in July...which will mean that my house will cease being the money pit it has been.  Yay!

Once this is completed, I can begin to focus on me a bit more.  As you, who have followed this blog may remember, I have had quite a ride in the last few years.  It's kind of hard or at least counterintuitive to me to even think of myself or my needs.  I'm always used to taking care of everyone else.  Making sure they are comfortable.  

I guess what I am trying to say is that I have been in caregiver mode for my now former wife....my children....then my parents.  As with everything in life, things change...and here I am with a divorce under my belt -- and you all know how bad that was; my kids are all grown and building lives of their own; and, my parents are both now deceased.  

Many have counseled me to take care of myself.  To be kind to myself.  To be gentle with myself.  I am trying to heed their advice.   It's just kind of hard to figure out what this actually means.

So I move slowly.  I begin to look at various and sundry offers and wonder...do I really want to do that?  or do I want to purchase that? or take the ultimate "What's in this for me?" approach.

It all seems so selfish....so self-centered.  But gosh..here I am.

I have also pondered the gay thing.  It seems like it may be percolating but on the back burner.  I have way more other things to worry about.  I mean, in the next few weeks I will become an official grandfather.  Can you believe that?  

But here I am!  I am truly sad that my parents have just missed their first great grand baby.   It is unreal.

Had an interesting time here while I have moved a few pieces of furniture from the house here into storage.  For so long, I felt as though I had no friends...or that I didn't make friends very easy.  I think in one of my very early posts here, I told you that one day I woke up and realized I had no friends...and that I had to actively pursue this.  (I perceived that all my friends had sided with Lovey.)

Here so many years later...the shyness I thought I had has vanished!  My Facebook page continues to gather friends....  As of this writing I have over 730 friends there!  No, I am not a Facebook whore....just to get my numbers up.  But these are all people that I know...and genuinely have in my life as friends.

It is very amazing to me.

When I meet people, I seem to click with them and they with me.  I am still somewhat shocked that they want to spend time with me.  or that they like me.....  Truly like me.  

On this trip, I have gotten to be really close with the contractor who is doing my renovations at the house. He is totally straight...but there is a bond between him and I that I can't really explain.  We've spent much time together.  He helped me by hauling the stuff to the storage locker.  I made mention of my family reunion that I was going to yesterday.  He said he wanted to go too!  He loves doing stuff like that...and since he likes me he wants to see my world.  So he made arrangements with his girlfriend to go hangout with Frank for the day.

On the way home, he kept telling me how much he enjoyed spending time with me.  

Who knew?  

I am at least 13 years older than him!

So the big mystery of life that I have learned is that the key to relationships is to be authentically you.  Don't try and be something you're not.  Just be yourself.  In my case it means to relax....allow my wacky sense of humor to shine through....let others see my compassion.....my love....my gentleness..my sensitivity shine through.  I have also learned that if they see glimmers of the gay shining through.....well...so be it.

I have wasted so much time and energy trying to appear straight.....to hide the gay part....to pray the gay away.  During that time I truly must have appeared to be some sort of weirdo...  Probably very stiff and distant.  Gosh as I think about this now...I wouldn't have wanted to be around me then either.

So, it's almost 8 am.  I'm still in bed.  I have several things to do here in WV before I hit the road home to Alexandria.

I must be doing some better because I totally forgot the 5th anniversary of when my divorce became final, at the end of May.  In a few more days we will sail past the 7th anniversary of the separation.  Will probably miss that one too.

So I am alive and well.  I'm pretty happy as I navigate my "new normal" life.  

Can you believe this?  

It has been a long journey....and a long time since I have been able to say that I am happy....and content.

The time is approaching for me to turn the page and begin the next chapter of my life.

I hope you will continue to be a part of this!

hen.

Frank is Gonna Be a Grandpa!

Can you actually believe it?

This guy who has been struggling with a boat load of issues/drama/sadness/doom/gloom/death/loneliness... is actually going to become someone's GRANDPA!

In a few days I will be 54 years old. I have been keeping this blog for many years now. You all have seen me at my worst....at my best....and yes, some in between times. Now, you get to see me transform into a Gay Grandpa!

WOW!

No role models for that one. So I guess I will have to chart still another unique course in my life. A new role. And I get to make the rules. 

I've been working to get my life together since the death of my father. My mother passed away 8 months before him. So, as an only child, I have been forced to deal with much emotion. Grief is a funny thing. I use the term "funny" as in "strange." Sometimes I think I am dealing with the loss of my best friends in a great way. Then WHAM! I am a puddle of tears. The pain of their loss cuts me to the core and I truly wonder if I can make it another day.

I feel like an orphan.

The loneliness is bad....and my kids get angry with me because they are a very important and vibrant part of my life. BUT...it's not the same as having your parents. I tell my kids that they will understand fully one day. But then, I say, they won't fully understand because they will have each other.

I no longer have that luxury of having someone who shares the life experiences that I had with my parents.

On the dating front, nothing new. I hear from people on the dating sites I am a member of. We chat online. I try to keep some aura of mystery... In other words, I don't spill all my guts and tell all of my story. I follow their lead and talk about the things they want to talk about. Some have great potential. Then they disappear into the ether of the Internet. I was dating a minister for a while. But, when he kept giving me mixed signals I finally cut him loose. Suddenly he became even more "interested" but I was not. I was totally turned off. So, that was that.

Generally the guys I click with are: married, in a LTR with someone else, live billions of miles away, POZ, or some combination of the list. (NOTE: While I consider myself POZ friendly, I can't stand the thoughts of being with someone that I may lose. Granted, this could happen with the healthiest and most negative among us....but for now...with all the loss I had experienced, I just don't have energy to deal with that now. Does that make me a bad person?)

There is this one guy....he and I click physically.  We've gone to dinner.....we've gone to movies....we enjoy our time together.  We sizzle the sheets big time.  But we don't have an emotional connection.  It's really weird.  We have both discussed this.  The sex is simply AWESOME.  But I believe there has to be more to a relationship than that.

My parents' home is now emptied of all its contents. It's being sold at auction. It breaks my heart. It was posted on the auction house's Website yesterday. I looked. It made me ache. Some of mother's most cherished possessions are there for the world to see. I can't keep everything. Very little did my children want. So I made that painful decision.

I also have to deal with the sale of the house. I have to take the property in Florida through PROBATE. I have 1/8 interest in a family farm that I don't want. Still more drama. I strive to be drama free...one day. As you can see, dear readers, I have been quite busy. But I have thought of each of you and am amazed at the number of people who surf by and read all my jumbled thoughts and ramblings. This is but one example of an aimless post. Much is in my head....my birthday is in a few days.....I will be 54.....mother's birthday is 8 days later....she would have been 78.......then this is followed by mother's day......and then father's day........I dread all this.

This is so hard.

Seasons of Life/Change

Well, in the last few weeks since my last post, a lot has changed.

I have entered into yet another new season of life and to be honest, ready or not, here it comes.

Let me explain.

Since writing beginning this blog, it seems I have bobbed and weaved from one taumatic event to the other. In fact, this blog was born in the midst of trauma, drama, and all that stuff. It seems that all those are my constant companions. But, as I look back on it all, I have to say that the things I have gone through, painful as they may have been, have made me a much better human being...

With all that said, I had a difficult time through the holidays. It was the first time I have celebrated Christmas without my parents. The grief hurt so bad I felt as though I was going to die.

I survived.

Following Christmas, I spent time with Bob in Williamsburg, VA. It was my Christmas present he said. He paid for everything. I fought with him over meals...and things like that...but for the most part, it was his show. Then one morning he came out of his room with a gift bag. (Yet more gifts!) It contained a really nice candle...and a note that he wanted to take me to the Kennedy Center for some show.

More expenditures.

Coupled with all of this....we had some very painful discussions. At least to me they were painful. He wanted to know if there were any men in his congregation that caught my eye....and I said no. He also showed me pictures of the guys who he has dated...but for some reason or another "the chemistry was not right."

He asked me what kind of man I was looking for. I told him that I had some high standards...but first and foremost, the person had to be a man of faith.

"What's your type?" I asked.

"Can't you tell by the guys I showed you pictures of?" he responded.

"Well, Bob, to be honest, the only commonality I see is that they are all men!"

They were all over the map....I couldn't tell. Honestly...and I tried.

We returned home on New Year's Eve.

So I have continued to spend time with him....and share meals with him....and talk with him on the phone....but I just don't know where the journey is leading....and to be honest, I am quite tired of it all. I feel I need to make some spiritual adjustments...and make some more changes before I am ever ready for a boyfriend, partner, husband or whatever.

My son the Marine, left for Afghanistan on January 19. However, on the date of that last entry, he drove with me to pick up his sister at the airport. He dropped a bomb. He has succeeded in getting a girl pregnant. She is due in July. I will soon get to list GRANDFATHER in my list of accomplishments. He wound up marrying the girl on January 12. She is a lovely sweet young girl....one year older than him. So I now have a new DAUGHTER-IN-LAW.

Then, on my trip to Camp Lejeune to see my son off, I had to stop by Lovey's house to give her a ride. I even got to spend the night in her home...with my daughter Jessica. As we were preparing to leave...and I went into the room to pic up my daughter's things, I noticed a man's picture.....a very large picture sitting on Lovey's nightstand. "Nice picture I said. Who's the guy?"

In an embarrassed little look, and in an almost little-girl like response, "That's Larry. He's my friend."

Over the course of the next 5 hours, I learned that Larry is more than a "friend"...but he is more like "suitor". Marriage has been discussed. At some points Lovey was her same sweet snippy self. During that long conversation, I did learn some new things about my former beloved.

1. I am glad she is not in my life in any real capacity.
2. I am glad she has her a boyfriend.
3. She continually rewrites history to keep her conscience clear.

That last point was demonstrated by the fact that she totally disavowed any knowledge of writing any hateful emails telling me that she would no longer have anything to do with me....and that I should only contact her about the eventual passing of my folks. I reminded her of how she had outted me to everyone in her life....which she says she never did.

Driving down the road to Camp Lejeune in my car she basically told me all of my many faults and failures as a husband....and how "Larry" was so much better. Oh she said these things so very subtly...but the message was clear. But for the first time, it didn't hurt. I felt like Teflon. Clearly the woman lives in a fantasy land of the world of her choosing.

Everything is everyone else's fault.

But in actuality, I am happy to be alive....to have survived it all....and now I am excited about the arrival of my first grandchild in the summer.

Lovey is history. No longer painful history.

Just history.

Then There is Bob...

The Christmas season is soon upon me and I am just not in the spirit. I had some special Chrstimas Cards created and personalized. I've been working on getting them signed and sealed. But I have so many....and I'm not complaining. It's neat to have so many that are so interested in my life...but...it's still work!

Work continues to be filled with the drama that only an office can provide. Lots of ungrateful people...who don't seem to understand what a blessing it is at this time of the year especially, to have a job and a steady paycheck.

My kids are gathering from Christmas. They are at my house....and I am going to savor every moment with them that I can. My daughter from Nashville arrives tonight. My military son arrived yesterday afternoon. I'm taking off tomorrow to spend time with the daughter who arrives tonight. Somewhere in here I hope to get my Christmas shopping complete.

With the loss of my parents, it feels basically like I am wondering in a fog. When I look at the Christmas imagery....and hear the carols...I feel numb. It means nothing. I have no Christmas cheer.

And then there is Bob...

Still driving this bus......still headed in God knows what direction....

Our trip is coming next week. I look forward to being with him and seeing him totally in a relaxed situation. I am praying that somewhere sometime during this trip I get a glimmer of where the bus is headed.

He called me on the telephone this passed Saturday....kept me on the phone for over an hour. (We've not been able to communicate very much because of the season. He is swamped totally and being pulled in 50 different directions -- all at once!)

So we chatted about everything. And then he brought up the resort...

We have a one bedroom unit he says.... "I hope you don't mind, but it actually sleeps 4! There's a couch that lets out to a full size bed. I'm used to sleeping there," he said. "You'll have some privacy, " he added.

Hmmm, I thought. We're both grown men....and I'm not going to jump his bones... I'm not worried about the privacy issue.... I would have no problems with him sleeping in the same bed...I can behave. He doesn't have to sleep on one of those fold out beds!

So, in some respects...it bums me out that he feels he has to do that. On the other hand, something has made him think about these issues.

I just wonder what he's thinking...

Remembering December 12, 1981

Thirty years ago today, my life changed!

I got married to Lovey.

It is quite a milestone and I felt I should recognize it. I mean, even with all the difficulty I experienced with her....and the separation and divorce from hell.... well, I still survived and I feel like I am a better person because of it. Also, were it not for the 30 minute ceremony, 30 years ago, I would not have had the three wonderful children that I now do. So, I have spent the majority of my day thanking the Lord -- yes, I am a man of faith -- for that monumental event and the fact that here I am...still standing after EVERYTHING: the fussing....the fighting.....the grieving......the greediness.....the gay thing......and all the other "stuff."

I am here....alive and well.

And, I think I am healed from the hurt caused by the breakup 6.5 years ago. So much so that I sent Lovey a card....it had the cast from the old movie, THE WIZARD OF OZ on it. It was blank on the inside and I wrote: "We certainly aren't in Kansas anymore...(are we?). I still remember..."

I followed that up with flowers....with a card that said..."I still remember..." with my name on it.

Lovey wrote me back a very simple and short email message. Thanking me for the flowers and that they arrived okay. She also said that it was a very happy day 30 years ago...thanks for remembering her. See you at Christmas.

Mom O'Lovey told my daughter...who then told me that she (my daughter) cannot understand why I would waste money on her mother like that. Mom O'Lovey thought it was a very kind thing to do.

I did it because Lovey is the mother of my three children....and there would not have been any of those had it not been for December 12, 1981.

Going forward, I have to admit, based on that failed relationship...I think I know how to be a better mate to whoever the lucky man is that will be my boyfriend....partner....husband....lover....whatever.

I am a different man.

Things Are Looking Up...I Think...

Today was quite a busy day for me. I slept in a bit and then got up and dressed and attended my gay Bible Study group. It was time for the monthly brunch and this time, in view of the season, celebrated Christmas. I was asked to pick up one of our members at the subway station, which I gladly did. He was a friendly guy and we chit chatted on our way back to the gathering site. When he arrived....and because he was relatively new, introductions were made.....and then he turned to our host and said:

"David, not only did I receive a blessing of having someone pick me up.....but you sent a hot man to do it!"

Well, this was the first time I have been labeled as "hot." Nonetheless I am sure that I blushed....but thanked him for the complement.

Following the meeting, another of the group came up and said, "Frank, I have to tell you...you seem to be looking much better these days. I know that you have been under quite a lot of stress....but you're looking great....even younger!"

I'm sure I blushed again.... Then another of the group told me how good I looked and gave me a big hug and gave me a big full kiss on the lips....with his lips parted slightly. THAT hasn't happened before in this group!

I left that meeting with a slight spring in my step...

When I reached home, I rested a brief time and then I went to a party that I had been invited to. It was made up of a lot of my friends...some of whom I had not seen in a while. One of them, a beautiful guy who has been with his partner for 16 years...and recently got married....came over and sat down next to me...very closely. He gave me a very big hug and said, "Where were you 16 years ago?"

I giggled and said..."Well, I was right here.....in the closet....and married with 3 small children." He the mumbled something about wishing he could have changed that.....and I switched the topic. We chatted and chatted for a good long while....and he walked me out to my car as he went to his. He then gave me a big hug....and a warm kiss.....and then he said....if anything happens to my marriage.....you're on the short list."

Inside, I could hear the robot from Lost In Space saying "DANGER....DANGER.....WILL ROBINSON!!!!" I'm glad that he and his husband live a ways away....and I don't see them very often. This could be problematic.

I've not known what to think about all this.

Clearly I have made progress.....and it is showing.......and guys I have known have seen a change in me.

But I'm unsettled by all the attention.....probably because I feel in limbo with Bob. He's not made his intentions known....I am respectful of him.....as I am with all these men.....especially the married one. I'm not and will never be a homewrecker.

It's kind of nice to garner the attention of the unattached guys....

Hmmmmm

What Exactly Makes a Man Gay?

When I started this blog long ago, I promised to be me -- totally unvarnished, not air brushed -- warts and all. So this is going to be a discussion involving this.

I have been going through quite the dry spell lately when it comes to sexual play. It seems that I have lost interest in it since Dad passed away...and I have just felt a little on the "blah" side. Also, at 53, it's kind of easy to fall into a rut of believing that you are old....fat.....ugly....and undesireable, especially when one stacks me against all the pretty young things out there in the gay metropolis. I mean, actually, I don't look like I just stepped off the set of a hot porn movie!

Late last week, a friend of mine invited me to his house for a full-fledged sex party. (I know you're shocked.) He thought it would perk me up and give me that "spark" again.

So after several days of thought, I decided I would go. But, in the state of mind I was in, I had to work myself up to go.....and tell myself that it would be okay if I were rejected. I ordered myself to not take anything personally.

I showed up at my friend's house at the appointed time. There were about 30 beautiful men there of every size, shape, and age. I kind of hung back....because at these things, it is very easy to be shy....and I was painfully so. However, I have to say that I was very pleasantly surprised by all the attention I received. By the end of the party, I was walking on air. It was a great experience for me....and I felt desireable. The guys I played with made it clear that floated their boats! WOW!

While experiencing the party I observed one older man in particular. He was relatively attractive -- not my cup of tea -- but he had an interested entourage hovering around him being attentive. Several of them made the moves on this guy....and would move in to kiss him and he would stop them and say, "Hey bud, I'm not into that! I'm straight."

I was amazed at his comment.

I watched him out of the corner of my eye for at least two hours. Here he was...naked....surrounded by 30-40 other naked men. I saw him willingly enjoy m2m pleasures....everything that two men or more can do together. I even witnessed him licking spleans right and left. Performing fellatio. Giving and receiving anal stuff. Rimming anyone and everyone who would let him.

But if any guy approached his mouth, "Hey bud, I'm not into that! I'm straight."

I was totally amazed.

For me, kissing is the ultimate turnon in gay sex. I like being passionate and intimate with who I am with. Kissing another man is wonderful and makes my heart pound.

Is it the kissing that determines I am gay?

Obviously in his mind it did. It couldn't be anything else because he did all that gladly!

It is What it is!

This past Sunday I decided to sleep later than normal. I got to my church mid-way through the service. It was good to see everyone and to be around my friends. I even got to have lunch with one of my special guy friends and we got to catch up with what has been happening in our lives during the past few months.

The weekend was fairly uneventful. Heard from Bob several times via text. I invited him out to dinner on Sunday night. He then decided to come over to my house for the rest of the evening. He and I went on a brisk walk through my surrounding neighborhood. We then got to my place and settled in by watching some stuff I have on DVD. He stayed until well past midnight.

Monday I was quite busy -- it was my off day. He and I had no communication. Then, this morning, he contacted me by text and we talked some.

Deep down I feel like this is all a lost cause, but then...I hear from him....and he has all kinds of apologies for his silences and then will pick right up where we left off.

Clearly I am important to him on some level. It's just hard sometimes to figure out just what that level really is. So, I still try to relax and not get worked up by it all. Or to worry.

It is what it is!

He communicates frequently....and I'd like to think he does this more often than with the run-of-the-mill friend. He does seek me out to spend time with me. That indeed says something. He is a busy pastor with a large church...yet he carves out time to be with me. I am honored.

So, I try and relish that and to savor every moment I am with him.

To Church or Not!

Last Sunday I drove out to Bob's church. It was a good day and of course I enjoy watching him in his element. I kind of even like the feeling of stealthiness I feel when I am there. No one there knows that I am in any way affiliated with the pastor. This way I can be an impartial observer to things I wouldn't if folks knew that I have developed quite the friendship with him.

He, too, has said he likes this. I'm not too sure at how he looks at this friendship we have....but he does acknowledge the fact that he enjoys the fact that no one knows my connection to him. (On whatever level.)

So my mind kind of fast forwards a bit. If things were to really happen....and the pastor and I do become BFs or even 'partners', I think I would prefer to keep things on the downlow...at least for a while.

Bob seems to be very private. He has dated some very interesting folks along the way -- none affiliated with his churches...except one. This was the one I believe to have been the love of his life that ended rather tragically after only a very few years...Bob still talks about him in profound ways.

I guess if and when the time comes that Bob and I are a "couple"...I can cross the bridge when I get to it.

But for me....I would just be happy to be in his life....but not affiliated with his professional life.

Perhaps this was one of the mistakes I made early on with Lovey.

Sunday Morning -- Early

It has been a very quiet weekend thus far. I've been doing the usual cleaning....and taking things slowly. I've also had the opportunity of spending some time alone.

To think.

To pray.

To meditate.

Yes, I am a man of faith. Had it not been for my faith I dare say that I would not have been able to withstand the degree of loss I have experienced during the past 14 months or so. BUT...as I survey my life -- the good and the bad, I can't help but breathe a prayer of thanksgiving. I have certainly been blessed with a good life. I have built a wonderful circle of friends who love me; I continue to maintain close family relationships with my WV relatives and beyond. I even maintain a warm and close relationship with Mom O'Lovey.

Yesterday I dropped in to watch her being talked to by a fast-talking roofer. She needs a new roof and has been shopping around. Afterwards, she thanked me for being there for moral support....and to make sure that she was not being "hoodwinked"... She wasn't. She then asked if I would join their family for Christmas Day dinner. Of course, Lovey will be there...all my kids will be there....my niece and nephew and their two children will be there. My other nephew will be there. So, unless Bob decides to spend that day with me...I may go.

Following this discussion.....Mom O'Lovey comes up to me and puts her arm around me to say how very much she loves me and how glad she is that I am still in her family!Time certainly makes changes. Obviously I have healed from those awful days of the divorce. Yes, I am thankful.

About Bob...

The saga of Bob continues and I have to say that I am enjoying him so very much. Definitely this man is special. He warms my heart in quite profound ways.


I still do not have a clue as to where this is all headed.


But gosh...***SIGH***

I think in an earlier post I said that Bob came to my house for Thanksgiving. We had a special time. Then, this week I got a card in the mail thanking me for all the fun he had while here. I put it in my pile of cards to keep.

We have continued our texts....and phone calls......good nights.....good mornings....

Then we did something we haven't done before. We actually moved into different territory. He texted me and said that he was in town for some meeting or other...and asked if I cared to join him for lunch.

Is the Pope Catholic?

I jumped at the chance....and soon found myself sitting across the table from him as he filled me in on his day....his week.....and his church service that weekend. We did as we always do....we laughed and talked....and the time flew by.

Then he grew serious.

He had something he wanted to tell me.

It's something that only he and a couple of people know....and for the past little while it has been weighing on his mind.

I put down my fork...looked at him not knowing what to expect.

I won't violate his trust even here. It was way too personal....and yes I can understand why it was traumatic and all that. But I sat silently and hung on every word. When he finally finished...I suppose it was God who gave me the right things to say to comfort....to help....and yes, to even minister to this man.

It struck a chord obviously.....because he hung on every part of my response.....and then he fell apart and began sobbing.

Again, I didn't say anything...I allowed his tears to flow...

And in that moment, I wanted so badly to jump up and go to his side of the table to wrap my arms around him and to hold him. I wanted to kiss his forehead....and to brush his cheeks....and to say that "I'm here and it's going to be fine."

But I didn't.

This is in keeping with my earlier statements to him that I could love him from a distance and that I would not make any demands upon him...or become clingy.....or stalk him.....

Based on our earlier conversations, I want any relationship to develop based on his comfortableness. I want him to make the first move...or to tell me that he has arrived at some conclusions...

And then I can tell him of my feelings on that day.....and of what I wanted to do....and how badly I wanted to express my compassion....and yes, my love for him.

We left and he walked me to my car. There we embraced....and I felt his cheek next to mine....

WHEW!

Also in the New York Times!

This was another interesting piece that appeared in the New York Times. I saw the film J. Edgar and found it to be an interesting tale about a very complicated individual. It sensitized me to the life Hoover led...and that some now say included the fact that he, too, was gay. I also saw what a purely evil man he was. As I visit his grave at Congressional Cemetery from now on, it will give me pause.

Opinion
J. Edgar Hoover, ‘Sex Deviates’ and My
Godfather
In 1956, the tabloid magazine Confidential published a lurid exposé on Arthur H. Vandenberg Jr., the writer's godfather.
By DUDLEY CLENDINEN
Published: November 25, 2011

A new film on J. Edgar Hoover is a reminder that his persecution of gay people destroyed thousands of lives and careers.

JUST before Christmas in 1952, J. Edgar Hoover, the director of the F.B.I., let President Dwight D. Eisenhower know that the man Eisenhower had appointed as secretary to the president, his friend and chief of staff, my godfather, Arthur H. Vandenberg Jr., was a homosexual. It was part of a pattern of persecution that would destroy thousands of lives and careers. Earlier that year, the American Psychiatric Association’s manual had classified homosexuality as a kind of madness, and Republican senators had charged that homosexuality in the Truman administration was a national security threat. Hoover — the subject of Clint
Eastwood’s new film — was determined to stave off such threats.

A public Puritan with a compulsively bureaucratic and controlling personality, he built an intricate system of files on people of influence — personal and confidential, official and unofficial, and all full of dirt. The most damning were the voluminous “Sex Deviate” files on famous actors, syndicated columnists, senators, governors, business moguls and princes of the Roman Catholic Church, just to name a few.

There was one on Adlai E. Stevenson, the Democratic nominee for president, because some college basketball players being investigated by the F.B.I. for game-fixing claimed that Stevenson, one of “the two best-known homosexuals in the state,” was nicknamed “Adeline.” There was even a file on Eisenhower himself, recording rumors of an affair with Kay Summersby, his driver in Britain during the war.

One was devoted to my godfather because, while he had years of experience in politics and foreign affairs and working for his father, Arthur H. Vandenberg Sr. — a Republican senator from Michigan with a mistress and a file of his own — he also drank, and he wasn’t discreet. Apparently, the file held reports of some incidents with two enlisted men at Camp Lee, Va., in 1942, before he served with and became friends with my father. Worse, at the time Eisenhower appointed him to the White House, he was sharing an apartment in Washington with another man. This was not uncommon. But the other man had been arrested on some morals charge. That was enough for Ike, whom Hoover later described, to an aide to Richard M. Nixon, as “astounded.”

Arthur wasn’t a fighter. He folded. He checked into a hospital, complaining of stomach problems, and resigned the appointment for “health reasons” three months after Eisenhower’s inauguration. He was a pale, fleshy, thin-haired man — sort of like Hoover, actually. And he was a bachelor. Like Hoover. He had never had a girlfriend, or seriously dated women. Like Hoover, Arthur seemed to spend all his free time with men. Hoover, after all, had lived with his mother until she died in 1938, and by then, he was practically inseparable from the natty, lean, quiet Clyde Tolson, whom he had hired in 1928 and promoted meteorically, making him associate director, the No. 2 position in the F.B.I., in 1947.

J.Edgar and Clyde had separate offices and separate houses, but they had lunch together, dinner together, rode to work in Hoover’s car together, attended private dinners and receptions in Washington together, went to the horse races together, and vacationed in the same hotel suites together. By Hoover’s standards, if they hadn’t been the director and associate director of the F.B.I., they would have been in its Sex Deviate files together, because there sure was a lot of talk about them. Hoover sent agents to squash the talk and threaten the talkers wherever it occurred.

But at least they had each other. Eastwood’s film imagines a violent kiss between them, but my guess, as someone who loves men, is that they were never lovers. They weren’t built for it. They were too prim, too rigid, too Victorian. The only way Hoover could be comfortable in such a public relationship, I think, was because he knew it wasn’t sexual in private, whether he desired it to be or not. Hoover was too aware of the power of a secret. How could he permit anyone — even Clyde — to have something on him?

As far as I know, Arthur Jr. never had a full relationship, either. What he had was an F.B.I. file. He left Washington, moved to Coconut Grove, Fla., bought a house, drove a convertible, made extensive foreign policy visits to the Middle and Far East and Asia, and became a popular lecturer on American foreign policy at the University of Miami.

And Eisenhower had stayed in touch, including Arthur at a White House stag dinner, having him in again to talk about his conversations with foreign leaders and suggesting to Secretary of State John Foster Dulles that they ought to find a place for him. Arthur seemed on the verge of resurrection. That ended in late 1956, when Confidential, a smut and scandal tabloid probably fed by the F.B.I., published a lurid exposé about him.

Arthur resigned from the university, and disconnected his phone. The couple of times my parents saw him in that period, he seemed unfocused, drinking too much, and restless to be out of their company. In 1964, when President Lyndon B. Johnson’s close friend and aide, Walter Jenkins, was arrested for performing oral sex in a men’s room, L.B.J. reminded reporters that the Republican, Eisenhower, had had a problem, too, and his name was Arthur Vandenberg.

It must have seemed as if it would never end. But then, on Jan. 18, 1968, Arthur died at the age of 60. My father was then editor of The Tampa Tribune, and friends at The Miami Herald told him that Arthur had killed himself. But there was no such public report, and when, years later, I asked an investigative reporter friend of mine in Miami to look for the coroner’s report or death certificate, he could find nothing. I had a feeling growing up — and later, as I realized I was gay, and came to terms with it in my 40s — that something must have happened to my godfather. He had disappeared from my childhood. The only memory I have is of him driving away, in a convertible. I was just 8 when Hoover outed him. I didn’t know what had broken the relationship. It wasn’t until the early ’90s, when I asked if my parents thought he had been gay, that they told me of his death, and of one night, in a Spanish restaurant in Tampa, when they were shocked to see Arthur emerge from behind the curtain of a private dining nook with a tipsy young airman. In all those years, they had never spoken of it, even to each other.

Two weeks after Arthur resigned in 1953, Eisenhower issued Executive Order 10450, which mandated the firing of any federal employees guilty of “sexual perversion.” But apparently, he felt badly about Arthur. The Kameny Papers Project, an archival project named for Franklin E. Kameny, a major gay rights leader who died in October, has found a series of personal notes and letters from Ike and Mamie to Arthur, regretting that he wasn’t with them. “I feel very distressed about your health,” the president wrote in one. “I feel in some respects guilty.”

When Hoover died in May 1972, his personal secretary shredded a mass of his private files. In December 1973, the board of the American Psychiatric Association voted to rescind its 1952 decision to classify homosexuality as insanity.

They had been wrong, the directors of the association said. It had been a mistake.

Dudley Clendinen is a former national correspondent and editorial writer for The New York Times, and author of “A Place Called Canterbury.”

In the Pit With the New York Times

Oy!

This weekend -- a bit dicey given the fact that this is the first major holiday I've had to celebrate without either of my parents -- fell into a bottomless pit when I read an article that appeared in THE NEW YORK TIMES on November 24. It hit kind of close to home....closer than I like for these things to fall....

I run it here for your perusal. How does it make you feel?

Keeping Marital Secrets Closeted
By JANE ISAY
Published: November 24, 2011

THIS summer, soon after gay marriage became legal in New York, my sons held a wedding for my former husband and his partner of over 30 years. The grandchildren were flower girl and ring bearers. The wedding thrust me back to the time when we faced a terrible choice and decided to stay married for the children. That’s what motivated my then husband and me to carry on our incomplete marriage for its last nine years, and that’s how we explained our actions after the divorce. It was a convenient truth, and also a self-serving one.

The year was 1980. I was waiting for my husband of 15 years to return from the last party of a psychiatry convention. I could hear voices from down the hall, happy men enjoying their time together. When he came in, his face was grave. He sat down on the bed and said, “I have something I need to tell you.” He took a deep breath. “I’m homosexual.” At that moment I saw my future collapse before my eyes. I got the chills and ran to take a hot bath. It gave me time to think and warmed me, but not for long. We spent the night talking and lamenting. On the plane home, we held each other and sobbed and planned. By the time we landed, we had decided to keep his sexual orientation a secret and stay married for the sake of the children.

Of course we both wanted to protect our sons, who were 10 and 14. Divorce was not uncommon then, but the circumstances surrounding our relationship were controversial and would have created a scandal in our small university town, so staying married for the children helped us both feel better about ourselves and our lies. We thought they didn’t notice any change, and we were mistaken. Secrets have a way of seeping into the atmosphere. Kids are natural observers. They watch parents like hawks, and they know when something is wrong, even if they don’t know what. I desperately wanted the charade to work at home — we were doing this for the children. So covering for my husband on his two nights a week out, and his two vacations a year became second nature — he was a busy man with many meetings.

I paid a price for my silence with my closest friends, because a secret of this magnitude builds barriers. I just couldn’t bear to show them the spot I was in. And I was leery of advice. When I felt so alone, I could always remind myself what a good person I was being, sacrificing for the children.

The other reasons for staying married were not so charming. If I had thought, I’m staying for the money, I might have questioned the lies I told my sons about where their father was on the nights he spent with his future husband. Or if he had thought, I’m staying to promote my career as a psychoanalyst, he might have felt a little heavy on the ambition scale. Or if we both had realized that we were just too scared to face the world alone, I might have given up some of the pretending, and he might have realized the gravity of his original secret.

But never mind. We had an explanation that made people admire us when we finally went public. Other truths might have evoked pity or suspicion: what’s the matter with her radar? How could she accept a half a marriage instead of a whole one? Who is she, really? To say we stayed married for the children put an end to uncomfortable questions.

If I had faced the other reasons to stay in the marriage, the burden of our lies would probably have been harder to bear. But the burden on our sons might also have been lightened. It’s not so great for kids to be told they are the cause of their parents’ behavior, especially when that’s only part of the story. When they finally learned the truth, our sons were more disturbed by our deception than by the facts. Our reasons didn’t seem to matter anymore. Truth trumps lies every time.

The phrase “we stayed married for the children” is like a silk duvet on a complicated and imperfect marriage bed. Nobody really wants to turn back the covers, the unhappy spouses least of all.

The author of “Walking on Eggshells,” who is working on a book about family secrets.

*******************

Reading this article forced me to revisit my not-so-happy place of a few years ago. You see, back then I felt like it was all my fault and I believed that I had caused all my wife's problems and unhappiness. A few wives jumped on the bandwagon and made it seem like my disclosure to my wife had been one grand scheme of deception to, in my wife's vernacular, "make her life hell." I soon noticed that many wives in this situation turn the tables and make the disclosure become all about them. Although I will dare the fates to say that yes, they are involved...and to some degree collateral damage, but this is not all about them.

Now, before everyone circles the wagons, and hurls arrows at me please remember that I am speaking from my own experience and the experiences I have observed in some of my more close friends' lives.

The struggling gay guy did not set out and rub his hands together one day and say...."Gee, let's see what poor woman we can hoodwink into marrying us so that one day in the future I can, after having lots of mindless gay sex, come home to say, 'Honey, I think I'm queer!' Golly gee...I sure am sorry that it's gonna upset your apple cart and plans for a long and blissful life together."

No, I did not feel that way in the least. I did not use my wife in anyway to conceal the truth. I genuinely thought I could change...or that all that needed to happen was for someone to mash the magic reset button to launch me onto the road of wanton straightness.

I was mistaken and fell for what I had been told by my clergyman. That God hated fags....and that in order for Him to not hate me, I must marry and cast all this aside.

He never told me the mechanics of how that was supposed to work. Better yet, how I was supposed to deal with the biological urges the ebbed and flowed with my raging hormones on a daily basis.

I loved men.

Plain and simple.

I needed to be with one.

I still do.

But the way that gay life is constructed, I am finding that a lot of men have very unrealistic expectations of what that looks like. Generally speaking, it's about 6'2", young, blond, buff, and hung. It even helps to have just stepped off the set of a male porn movie.

In the real world, it does not work like that.

Gosh...I wish my guy would show up.....FINALLY.

What Is It?

Meanwhile, there is another man in the wings...

I actually think he could be "the one." I mean, I have some real deep feelings for him. He is the one guy that makes me think "marriage" again.

But there are some problems.

His name is Bob.

But that's not one of the problems.

First, he is a pastor of a very large affirming church here in the area. He is single and he is out....and everyone is cool with that.

I met him at a Gay Pride Event in 2010. I liked him as a friend...and we've talked a bit...and emailed....and all that. After about a year, I felt this little tug at my heart strings. So, rather than pine away like have done in the past, I decided to man up and just tell him how I felt. To my dismay, he thanked me but he just doesn't date people in his church.

I pointed out that I'm not in his church....and have no plans of joining his church....that I only came to visit a couple of times to hear him....and support him. He grew wistful...then alluded to how he met the love of his life at church....and since that relationship ended....that's probably why he has not found the caliber of relationship he's looking for because he's looked outside his faith.

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

But I took the hint....told him that I could love him from a distance....and that was that. I felt stupid...and told myself..."Well, that we certainly did a good job at wrecking that friendship."

Since that time a few interesting things have happened:

We have gone from having dinner every other month, to monthly, to weekly, to now several nights per week...we talk about everything under the sun....He used to email perhaps once a week....then that moved to texting once every few days to once per day......now it is several times per day. We exchange texts all during the day. The last thing at night he tells me good night or to rest well or to have pleasant dreams.

We have gone from shaking hands....to shaking hands with a hug to outright fullbody bearhugs with a slight hold. When we part after dinner it has gone from a simple goodbye to a handshake and goodbye to a handshake with a hug cheek to cheek...to hug and a kiss on the cheek that keeps migrating to my mouth.

We have a special place we go to along the river to sit and talk....and to pray together.

He came to my house for Thanksgiving....and brought me a small gift. He satayed for over 8 hours....and made himself totally at ease. We've planned a getaway following Christmas. He's given me various stuff...including a book of poetry that he likes.

Finally, the most interesting thing is whenever I am at his church...we are always very discreet....no one knows about our friendship. I gave him a rainbow stole and journal for his birthday....and he goes on and on about that.....and at very special events...he has the stole on! At the conclusion of the service, the church has a theme song they like to close with. It's one that encourages holding the hand of your neighbor....before dismissal. Well, two times now, when the music for that theme song starts, he comes down of the stage and seeks me out. He will then hold my hand...giving it several squeezes before breaking free and offering a closing prayer.

So, even though I am not sure what the destination is....I am certainly enjoying the journey with him.

But nothing physical.....nothing talked about.......our friendship has not been labeled. I am not forcing that issue. It just feels so good to be in his presence.

So we shall see.

I don't know what to call this that I have with him.

A Little Romance?

In traveling back and forth to WV I met someone.

He's about my age....he's cute....he's an only child. Never married...partnered several times.

He gave me flowers.

The first time I have been given flowers.

He gave me sunflowers....my mom and daughter's favorites.

The second time he gave me roses in a deeply crimson vase.

It felt good to have someone make a fuss over me.

But for all that good feeling....it just didn't seem right. After all he lives back there....and I live here.

He is jobless....and strikes me as somewhat of a low achiever.

I found myself feeling exceedingly drained when he was around me for a great period of time.

So it seems to have faded.

Like the fall leaves....

Thanksgiving

Hello everyone!

You have not been forgotten...I have just been incredibly busy trying to work on getting things settled on my parents' estate. Mother's probate finally closed....and the way dad had his affairs in order, I was not required to go through the probate stuff.

Still it has been so busy...I just can't begin to tell you about everything.

First and foremost, I have been working on the house -- my house. It is 111 years old...and appears to have been a Sears Craftsman house. Always before I just sort of took the place for granted...but now as I have had to plunder and pillage....and look at it with a critical eye, I must say it is a cute building.

So, I am in the process of making it a lot cuter.

This is because I have made some serious decisions. I plan to rent the place so that it gives me a new revenue stream. So to increase the curb appeal, I have had new windows installed (it immediately killed all the drafts)....and I am currently in the process of having new siding installed. This will change the color of the place....from basic WHITE aluminum 50yo siding, to pale yellow vinyl. It has a new green roof...and the yellow just sets it off.

While I was there, there was an electrical fire...which leads me to believe that the electrical system needs to be revamped or updated or something. I've painted the inside...and put in new rugs.....and updated the kitchen.

It turns out that Daddy had 5 weapons. I sold all of them this last trip. I am certainly not a fan of firearms. Supposedly there are handguns somewhere in the arsenal too that I have yet to come across.

I ventured into one of the two attics. Amazing stuff there. Went into the crawl space below the place....and there are all my old toys....still intact. Unbelievable.

Another attic....at the very top of the house is one that I have not yet gotten to climb into. Primarily because it looks like the opening is super tiny....and I'm a rather big man. I think the old 1960s era Christmas Decorations are there.

While cleaning Daddy's closet (home of the weapons), I came across 5 leisure suits.....in pristine condition. The last time Dad wore them, he had them drycleaned...and so there they were, in the back of his closet...in plastic....just waiting to be discovered by "me."

Also found my highschool yearbooks.....and my highschool jacket. While there, I met up with about 20 of my old classmates....and they loved the stuff I found....and they posed in the jacket for our Facebook page!

For all the positives....the one abiding negative is that my parents are gone. In the words of someone famous...."they belong to the ages"...and I miss them. It hurts like hell....and there is nothing I can do to change that.

On my last day there, I went to the cemetery to pay my respects...and to decorate the gravesite for Christmas. If you have a loved one that has left, do yourself a favor...and take it from me: do not go to the cemetery on an early, gray, rainy, foggy morning. It plays with your mind.

I got there and cleaned the monument off and got rid of the fall decorations. I had picked up some nifty decorates at Wal-mart.... and proceeded to decorate -- me....with my little baseball hat and jacket -- the one lone person in this cold desolate cemetery in the middle of no where. I had nothing with me but my memories of how things used to be.....and the sound of the downpour I was enveloped in. I hurried and made my adjustments....put in fake poinsettias into the flower vases....with the fake holly and the fake berries. On each bench over the niche where my parents are, I fastened fake festive holiday packages...that shimmered red and gold in the drizzle.

I stood back to admire my work....

I stood there.

I did not move.

For the longest time...

My eyes flooded over.

I stared...in the cold pouring rain.

Every fiber of my being was doused with the cold autumn rain.

Finally I moved.

I got in my car. Cold to the bone.

I drove back to my house in WV -- a good 30 minutes away.

It took me even longer to drive to my home in Alexandria, VA.

I made it there at 2am.

On the First Anniversary of My Mother's Final Goodbye

Yesterday I reached a milestone.

One year ago yesterday at approximately 1:15 pm, I watched my mother draw her last breath. It has been a very long and painful year. But in some ways I have learned a lot and, yes, at the age of 53, I guess I can say I have grown up.

This weekend I traveled back to WV to check on things...and to face down my fear of being there for this "anniversary." Some of my friends in Huntington were very attentive...and one in particular dragged me to Pt. Pleasant and to Parkersburg to visit Blennerhassett Island. I thought that would be quite fitting, given the fact that Mom had a tremendous fascination with Blennerhassett and would have loved the opportunity to go there.

I was feeling kind of smug. I also visited the cemetery. It was the first time I went and didn't melt down from grief. The person that went with me and I actually chatted and laughed as I told him some of the funny things that my mother has shared with me....and the other memories I have and of some of her quips. I also told him about my dad's last visit to the cemetery before he grew ill this summer. He got to see the stone...and he pronounced that it was good....then he went to a neighboring monument....sat on it and lit up a cigarette.

I felt so proud of myself. I was able to get through all that without tears....without my heart breaking. I thought that my grief counseling was doing the trick.

Then today happened.

I packed up the car....took a few last looks around at the house....and the things.....set the alarm system and got into my car....and drove.....and drove....to get back here at a decent hour.

I made it to Covington, VA, before I needed a break and some food. I stopped at a KFC....ate....and I could feel it coming...

I got flashes of what it was like to be in that room at St. Mary's Hospital in Huntington....seeing Mom.....and seeing her leave.

I went to the parking lot....climbed in my car...and just sat there....

The grief nearly swamped me. I cried....and I cried.....and the pain was just so intense. It felt like I had just lost her all over again.

A Fall Update

As I write this, I am sitting at Mom's desk, in her beloved addition known as "The Family Room" where she spent many of her last days. Of course, she wasn't able to do much with the computer....but in times past, she did. So, I'm writing this after having spent the weekend here trying to do some stuff.

There is so much to do. But I have accomplished much. For instance, I have been going throught he clothes closets in the upstairs bedrooms. I found Daddy's collection of leisure suits....all neatly pressed and in their dry clean plastic since the very time over thirty years ago he last wore them; my high school letter jacket...that needs cleaning, but I can still wear it; boxes lovingly packed with my toys; an owl bank that I was given at 5 years of age; tons of junk; and, 5 weapons.

Yes, you read correctly: 5 weapons -- rifles to be exact.

What am I going to do with 5 rifles....5 VERY OLD rifles. One was my grandfather Vance's. One was my great grandfather Moore's. The other three just belonged to Daddy. I have not yet located the pistols. So, I should have quite the collection by the time this is all over.

I am beginning to deal better with my parents' loss. Today I went to the cemetery and paid my respects and this time did not shed ANY tears. But I remembered some great times...and I found myself smiling as I brushed away the grass clippings from their monument.

In its way, it was cathartic for me. I was able to put some things into perspective. But...it is so strange to be sitting here....and writing this.....and not having them running around doing something or watching CNN.

The gay issue is still very much alive in my heart. Gosh how I wish I had one person here with me now.....someone to snuggle with....or to, as I have said many times, to bury my head into his chest....and to be held. But, for whatever reason...it is not happening...and I am just dealing with what I have to deal with on a day-to-day basis.

It's Sunday night.....after a full day....and a very full weekend.....of various activities.

Now it's time for me to settle down....and to ponder....to pray....and see what happens next.