The Gay Kindle Ad

Here's the gay kindle ad that was just released. Have to say, it is really something to see how much the world has changed.

Then this VW ad really talks to me. I was always the sissy. Didn't know how to play or pitch or do other macho things as a kid. It's also special because I drive the car in the ad.

Finally, here is a music video of a song that I love "Set Fire to the Rain". However it is done with a gay twist. Oh, and "Adele" is not the REAL ADELE but an impersonator!

Unexpected Day Off

With threats of a large winter storm, the federal government closed today. So, I was able to just turn over and sleep in this morning. I had a wonderful time just staying warm and dry. But I did have some interesting moments.

I got a number of telephone calls from men I have come to know through the years. One in particular called me and I called him back last night and we talked for quite sometime. We did FACETIME with our respective IPhones...and it was good to see him.

He has been suffering a lot lately in that he has spent a whole lot of time tending to his sick wife. She knows he is gay and she controls every aspect of his life. She also berates him and seems to be quite controlling.

He is really at his breaking point.

I can understand why.

He called because she was away, and he just had to hear a friendly and understanding voice on the other end of the line.

Well, I have no problems talking.

We talked about everything.

We talked about men. We talked about our past loves. We talked about breakups. We talked about divorce. We talked about kids.

I shared with him some resources -- even showed him some funny gay videos. I actually got the man to laugh and laugh and laugh. Via FACETIME he was even able to meet one of my children.

Here's the note I received this morning from him:

Good Morning!

I am in such a better place this morning. It was great to laugh, relax and be myself. I did want to share with you 2 of the commercials that I mentioned last night. The first is the Volkswagen commercial with the dad throwing the baseball to his son. The second is the Amazon commercial,


I am sitting here replaying our entire conversation through my mind... and something that gave me such joy is to see the relationship you have with your daughter. I am so glad that I got a glimpse... it gives me hope.

So much of my personality and psyche is wired to be the "peacekeeper" that I wonder if I can ever rock the boat to be authentic and last night was a glimpse into how your being true to yourself and those you love, is really peaceful.

Thank-you for being a part of my life and journey. Fondly, B


When I receive messages like this, it helps me see just how far I have come. It also makes me very happy that I was able to brighten someone else's day -- especially when he is traveling a similar road that I have... God knows it isn't easy.

Just One...

I just returned from a wonderful week visiting my daughter in Nashville, TN. She and I have always had a somewhat unique relationship in that we have always been close. We can talk about anything and we generally do when put in the same place together. So it is not a shocker when I tell you we talked about everything under the sun.

We talked about dating – her’s and my lack of it! She has a full fledged boyfriend. I have one man that I am very interested in, but I’m cautious and not sure if it really could develop into something serious.

We talked about her dreams for her career in the music biz. I told her about my career and thoughts of retirement. I even am considering a move to Nashville upon retirement. No decisions on that front yet….but it is certainly fun to think about!

I went to the Country Music Hall of Fame. Toured the Patsy Cline exhibit. Explored antique stores and vinyl record stores. Visited the Grand Ole Opry hotel. Watched my daughter do some recording. Was surprised that she had me join in as back up to her on one of her songs. So, I’m now immortalized on CD!

As I wondered the streets of Nashville and ate dinner out with my daughter, I was totally taken by the beautiful men there – all ages – all types.

But then, there are beautiful men everywhere – even here in the Washington, DC metro area. So, why can’t I just find one to get serious with?  One that I can officially date.  One that I can introduce to my family and to maybe even get serious with.  Ah....

Who knew?

Well, I am a gay man.  That's no shocker.  Right?  So, as a gay man, I am very familiar with the male anatomy and quite comfortable with all facets of it.  I also know that part of normal sex play with gay men includes playing with their anus.  Gay men tend to not be so frightened of their butts.

Or so I thought, until I picked up a book entitled "STUCKUP:  100 Objects Inserted and Ingested in Places They Shouldn't Be.

It is hilarious!

So, as a result of my reading I found out that men have the prevalence of rectal foreign bodies is 28 times higher than in women.   Of this number, foreign objects in the male body are most likely to be in their 20s or in his 60s.

Not sure why that is the case.  So I plan to keep that statistic in my mind as I get closer to my 60s.

This statistic is for men in general -- not just gay men.

The book highlights all kinds of things that get stuck up there:  scissors, lightbulbs, coke bottles, glue sticks, bananas, cucumbers, flashlights,  salt shakers,  shoes...

The list goes on and on.

I am totally amazed.

I guess it goes to show you that folks do all sorts of things in the name of pleasure.

I'll never look at straight men in the same way again.

Thoughts on Valentine's Day

This is always a tough day. I generally find myself out to dinner – alone and surrounded by all kinds of happy hetero couples.

It makes me melancholy.

For those twenty some odd years that I was married, I always got my ex-wife flowers, a card, and a box of Trinidads from Fannie Mae candies. She made that candy last for months in the freezer because they were so good.

When I think about all that I become quite misty and wistful.

I also remember not being to keen on the idea of every getting lovey a truly romantic Valentine’s Day card. I guess on certain levels I felt like a fraud. I was one after all. It took me the longest time to try and sound romantic. Or to think of something to say. It was also like the sex – very mechanical.

I can’t even compare it to anything.

It is just just foreign to me and contrary to my true nature.

But give me a man. A special man. A good man.  An honest man.  One that I love. One that loves me. All for the right reasons. Then I understand everything there is to know about Valentine’s Day. I know why love letters, poetry and love songs are written. I know what romance is. I know how to make someone feel special.

But with Lovey, I was seriously deficiemt in all that.

And I am filled with regret. Serious regret.

I wish I could go back and rewrite history and make it all better for her.

I am haunted by the fact that although I spent so much time trying to be something that I am not, that I don’t believe I truly tried hard enough.

And there it goes.

It can’t be changed.

Guilt….the what if’s. The wondering.

The need for self forgiveness. Self-acceptance. Self awareness.

All are my constant companions.  The private longing.

I do my restaurant Valentine’s ritual. I take myself to a nice restaurant. My table is crowded with all my constant copanions.

I turn and there they all sit. All around me.

Couples.

Hetero couples.

Sitting as close as they can. All snuggled up. Speaking in whispers. Looking all goo-eyed at each other. Some nuzzle into necks of the other. Others are kissing. Some need to get a room or go back the room before the food arrives.

Here I sit.

Watching all this. Seeing some couples and wondering “How did that happen?” How did that man wind up with that woman? How did that woman wind up with that man.

Attraction is a mysterious thing!

And here I sit

Alone.

One day I will have someone here at the table with me.

OUT OF THE ASHES "Retold"

It’s rather hard to believe, but I have been writing this blog since Spring of 2006. At the time I was in the thick of things. I learned of Lovey’s plans to divorce me a scant 8 months before. I felt alientated from everyone. I felt so much pain. I was frustrated. I was quite frightened.

Most of all, I felt alone.

All of these feelings probably indicated that it was not the time to write a blog of what was happening to me. I vowed at the time that it would be unvarnished and not written to make the author look good….or to look innocent.

Ever since, I think you dear readers can say that I have kept my word.

One of the other characteristics of the blog was that I wrote in a disjointed manner. Some entries I would be recounting how I came to be. How the gay thing became a very painful and conscious presence in my daily life. Then it would jump from that pain, to the pain I was sufferening from the death of my marriage.

Then I would trash the ex wife.

Her family.

Former friends.

Former churches.

Former church friends.

Let’s just say, I was not in my “happy place.”

So, in reviewing close to 1,000 posts, I’ve decided to begin the story again. Some of you have asked me to speak more of myself and to add more details about myself.  Given the time and distance from those early and painful posts, I think I can do a better job at retelling the story better and more coherently.

This is what I will do.

As I write this entry, I have an idea. I would appreciate your input. Should I just stick these new entries into the old blog and continue to insert current ideas and themes? Or would it just be better for me to create a new blog and entitle it, “OUT OF THE ASHES “Restart”? If I did that, I would continue to post new entries in the old blog, but tell my tale about myself, my marriage, etc., in the new blog.

Or of course, I could delete the old blog and just start all over again!

Feel free to drop me a note.   What do you think?

I’ll go from there.

Deal?

My Day Off

Today I really did not have much of a day off.  At 7am my telephone went off because one of my senior specialists called to say that her mother in law had just died.  Because I had a new employee beginning this morning and the specialist was responsible for getting her settled, I got up and was sitting at my desk by 8:45am.

I got her settled.

Then came home.

So I am getting ready for bed.

What a day!

So....

I've heard from a number of you in my post for information for my "census."

So, I'm toying with the idea of going back and starting my blog over.  Oh I wouldn't delete the 900+ posts already here, but I would begin my story again.  Tell you more about me and how I came to this place.  

It would be more thought out.

It would not be enveloped with the drama and hurt that I suffered at the hand of Lovey.  Hopefully it would just be an account of what happened.  

So, don't be surprised when it starts.  (I probably will insert current stuff too along the way.)

Trying Hard to Learn From My Mistakes

Good Lord!  Have you ever done something so really dumb that when you came to yourself you were so mortified you didn't know what to do?

I did just that very thing this weekend.

Now I feel mortified.

I want to hide!

LOL!

Let's Take a Census: Check In Here Now!

Traffic appears to have picked up greatly around here over the time that I have been writing this blog. From my stats that I view from time to time, I see that I have readers from around the world.

Could I ask all of you to do me a favor?

Could you take just a few moments and use the comment feature in this entry to answer the questions, "How You Found OUT OF THE ASHES?", "Why you come back?" and also to share a little bit of information about yourself.

Also if you have any questions you'd like me to answer.... These could prove great fodder for future entries.

I love writing for you. But at times I feel like my life is so boring and slow. I feel like all I do is whine about the same things.

I sure would appreciate your feedback.

Thanks loads!

Frank

Quiet Time

I just went by this stately building tonight as I drove a dear friend home tonight and then passed it again as I returned in the direction of my house.   He and I have been friends for several years.  He has sort of been my rock through the loss of my mom, my dad and assorted others.  He's always availabe to talk to me about anything.

I also make myself available for him to talk to me about anything, anytime.

Tonight was payoff for the holidays.  He announced to me at Christmas that my present would be dinner and a play at the Arena Stage when both our schedules permitted.

It has only taken us a month and a half to do this.  But tonight we did and we saw THE GRAND PARADE OF THE 20TH CENTURY.  It's an interesting brand new piece that I am still processing.

It is cold here -- very cold.  My house is quiet.  The only knows I hear is the ticking of my grandfather clock in the hallway.

My daughter is asleep in her bed.  I'm using this quiet time to draft this entry.  (See I am trying to be more faithful about writing to you, dear readers.  LOL) Occasional gusts of wind blow through the window screens of this house making that low moan.  At times this noise is creepy -- especially late at night.  But tonight it is oddly comforting.

It has been what I would consider to be a great weekend.  I have spent some time with several friends.  Shared some meals.  Went to a play.  Talked to all my children.  Made plans concerning the grand son. And this is the second long stretch of time that finds me with some quiet solitude.

Time to think.

Time to pray.

Time for hope.

Time for regret.

I look to the wall across from me.  There I have many photographs of people that have been or currently are important to me.  In several shots are my beloved parents -- in much happier times.

I just wish there were words to convey my feelings of loss and vulnerability.  I miss them so.  I still tear up when I look at them...and remember the good times and the not so good times.  Those times when I could have been better or done something more for them.

Yes I am full of regret and longing.

But there is nothing I can do about it.

It hurts.

Although I am successful.  I have the house.  The cars.  The kids. The grandchild.  I still feel so empty. At times that overtakes me and I feel so alone.

It's sad I know.  I should feel blessed.  I have family.

Many gay men don't have what I have.

I count my blessings every day.

But on cold winter nights like tonight -- when I miss my parents and that extended family with whom I grew up -- when I think back on how life used to be as compared to what it is now, I get profoundly sad.

I am sad that I am gay.

All those hopes and dreams I had for myself once went down the drain in 2007...and again in 2008.......and with my parents in 2010 and 2011.  Now I'm trying revel in a new life.  But I feel stuck.  I just can't seem to make it over this hump called gay.

I explained all this to my friend tonight as we drove passed the Capitol.  He said that the reason I feel so weird about Gay Male Dating is that many gay men are only interested in hookups or FWB in order to have their sexual needs met.  They find their intimacy needs met through fiercely loyal friendships.  Then there are those guys like me who want both in one package -- one guy for preferably one lifetime.    He says that guys like me generally give up and move on to live lives of lonely singledom -- primarily from fatigue of not finding that one.

I have to agree with this.

It certainly has been the case with me.

So, I truly wonder if I should have continued to play it straight.  At least at this age my exwife would have still been there for companionship.  Yes, she would have still driven me crazy on a host of other topics, not to mention that her constant nagging would probably have sent me into an early grave.

Would that have been better as compared to what I have now?

I just don't know.

I don't think I'm needy.  I enjoy me.  I like the man that I am.    I just want to share myself with someone.  I want to share my life with him.  I want him to be a part of my family.  I want him to enjoy having my kids as his.....my grand son as his.....

I feel so silly.  But I continue to hear that old grandfather clock ticking away in my hallway.

I'm not getting any younger.

Excitement Abounds

As the sun rises over the Washington, DC area this morning, I am totally excited beyond words!

I just received word that my grandson is coming to visit Grandpa on Tuesday!  On top of this, he and his parents are having dinner.  Mom O'Lovey is going to join us here.

THEN, grandson is spending the night!  YUP...my eldest daughter and me get to spend quality time with the boy.

We are simply beside ourselves with excitement.

I've not seen him in two months.

Aw, I may be gay as a goose.  I may have had a rotten marriage.  My relationship with Lovey is still strained somewhat.

BUT, I have my kids.  I have my daughter in law.  AND I have my first grand baby.

So, I guess the 26 years of hell were worth something!

The End of a Very Eventful Week

So it is well past midnight.  i just returned home from an awful movie that I attended with friends.  We had dinner before hand.  But my thoughts were in other places.

One of the two crushes appeared in my head.  For the life of me, I could not get him out of it.  Oh, how I wished a million times that he had been with me.  I wish that I could level with him.  I'm home now...alone....and how my thoughts create romantic scenarios of him being here with me.  Of us upstairs in my bedroom, spooning.....snuggled up close...without cares in the world.

But there are cares and concerns for both of us.

I was so overcome with feelings about this man that I told my friends about him tonight.  My one telltale comment was, "Oh gosh...if this man were to express interest or say at least he was open to the idea of beginning something, you would see one happy Frank!"

But he doesn't know what I am thinking.

I don't know what he's thinking.

Still determined on my end to just be me...and to not try and be something I'm not when I'm in his presence.  I don't want to make a pest of myself.  When he and I are together, I try to keep a poker face.  I try not to look like a sick puppy.

This stuff is so hard.

As I have explained the situation to my friends, they have said that actually things appear to be progressing nicely.  They say that I should not try to force things.  They say that my approach of just being me such just be the right way.

So I slowly move forward.

Lovey has been in town this week.  She's been with her mother.

Today they all invited me down for breakfast and to spend time with "grandma" as she prepared for her various doctor visits today and her chemo and radiation treatments.  These things have not yet taken their toll, but from my experience with my parents, it won't take long to begin seeing big-time changes.

I had only been in the house a few moments, when Lovey appeared..and she motioned for me to join her in her bedroom.  She wants me to refer to her mother as MOM -- not GRANDMA.  She says that it would mean a lot for her for me to do that.

I explained that I know my place and that I do no want to do anything that would step on toes or to cause problems.

She says it wouldn't..but would mean so very much to her mother.

I have crossed another milestone with Lovey apparently.

Who knows?  Perhaps there will be some healing between us.

Life certainly can come full circle.  My blessings never stop.  I'm especially thankful to have family that love me.  And to even have an ex-wife that on occasion can be kind and gentle.

No delusions here though.

I realize that all this can change in a flash and I am learning to try and relish the blessings as they come in this season.

As I told my friends this evening.....my man friend is awesome.  As fickle as gay relationships can be, I like how I am feeling at this moment.  I really want to savor every moment of it.  If it continues, I will be even happier than ever.  If it fizzles, well each day at this moment makes it wonderful.

If you were in my shoes, would you tell the guy in question?

Bad News

I have quite a confession to make.

As you know, I'm a gay man.

No shocker there really.

But I enjoy gay porn.

Yup, that's right.  I enjoy pornography.  Oh, I'm not addicted to it.  I'm not glued to it 24/7.  But I really enjoy watching guys make love to each other.  I'm not into that slam, bam mechanical sorts of porn.   Or where the actors are not really looking at each other.  Or they are just working to get the money shot down on film.

I like watching guys who are definitely into each other.  You can see it in their eyes.  You can also see how they touch each other, if hey are really into one another.

It's a beautiful thing to watch to me.  And, it also facilitates my pleasing of myself.

It works well.  It's 100% safe.  It also helps with a lot of fantasies I have.

But, rest assured, when I have someone in my life that I can be into....and to love 24/7...my interest in porn will slowly wane....as I focus more on my partner, boyfriend, or husband.

Another confession.  I have some real crushes on some porn stars.  One of my earliest crushes involved Al Parker.  I didn't see any of his porn until after he died from AIDS.  Another porn star I had a crush on was Zak Spears.  He's still hot after all these years...and acts in Porn still...although not as often.

But my most recent fave and crush centered on an actor who was named Arpad Miklos.  See the pic.  Aw...watching him in anything is awesome.  He's handsome.  He's built.  He knows what he's doing under the sheets.

He's beautiful to watch.

But today I got word that this beautiful man, at the age of 45, killed himself on Sunday.  Aw...I can't help but wonder why.  He was successful.  He was kind.  He was generous.  He was hot.  But clearly, something caused him to want to stop living.    And he did.

With the assistance of pills and alcohol.

Friends found him.

They also said they didn't know why.  They knew he was not happy.  But there was nothing that indicated he was THAT upset.

So why?

This is another life lesson.  You can be the most beautiful person on earth.  You can literally have any man on the planet.  But in this realm, you can still be miserable.  You can be so very unhappy, that you want to make a permanent decision that will handle a temporary issue.

This then leads me back to my earlier thought.  I am blessed.  I am happy.  Although I have no boy friend or significant other -- this does not define my success.

I just need to be me.  I just need to be happy.  I just need to enjoy life.

But I miss Arpad....and I did not know him.  I probably was not even his type.  But, oh my goodness.

Rest dear friend.  You were loved by many men like me that you had never met.

What I've Learned About Me

I had the opportunity to spend some quality time with an older man today. He is roughly 11 years older than me. He has been in an open relationship with his partner for 40 years. They have, what for them, has worked seamlessly. His partner has his life in Palm Springs. My friend has his life here in Washington, DC. They visit each other periodically. Play with others as they see fit -- not together.

In his day, although now he is a very attractive older man, he had porn star looks. So did his partner. When I looked at their pictures from then, it struck me how closely both resembled the late porn star, Al Parker. I think in the 1970s, most gay men tried to look like him. The chiseled good looks, the mustache, the flannel shirts.  Sometimes he appeared with a full beard as well.  (See photo at left.)

My friend asked me how things were going.  He knows that I have been struggling with the whole issue of relationships.  He knows that I have had issues a bit with my self esteem and my self confidence.  He also knows that I have been wondering a lot about whether I am relationship material and my "track record" with relationships.

Over breakfast at his place today before I went to the office -- he lives not far from my building -- he did his best to make me feel better.   He talked about how difficult it was back in the 70s to be gay.  He said that he is thankful to be living at this time.  To see gay marriage become an honest alternative.  How being gay is not much of big deal.

He then saddled up next to me.

Oh, I wasn't being a Sad Sack.  I had kept the conversation upbeat.   So I wasn't fishing for comfort or compliments.

But deep inside me...when he got as close to me as he possibly could....and wrapped those big muscular arms around me...and told me to rest my head on his chest.  Well,  unless you have been where I currently am....where any sort of physical affection is like an Oasis somewhere in the middle of the Sahara.   I was a bit like a very dry sponge.

It felt so good to hear his words of encouragement and to experience that physical touch.   I felt alive in ways that I can't describe.

As I left his place just before 9:00 am this morning, I realized that when my time comes, I"m going to have an awesome love life.  I'm pretty settled with myself.  My friend says that I should not feel 2nd class in any way.  He even thinks I'm hot!  LOL.

So I just need to be myself.  To enjoy life.  To be thankful for all the blessings that have been heaped upon me.

My time will come he says.

I just need to be patient.

I believe that!

Later on this morning I was further affirmed by another friend who called to ask if we might catch up over dinner and a play this weekend.  I accepted.

So my life is chugging right along.

Time to Refocus

I've just emerged from one of those periods where I have been fixated on finding a relationship.  I've done a lot of deep introspection.  I don't understand why I have such a hunger to be hooked to someone else.

Two men have emerged as people I have developed strong feelings for.  But it's selfish.  It's all in my head.  I don't have any confirmation that these guys really have any interest in me

Why do I feel so incomplete because I'm alone?  Perhaps its because I am an only child and so used to being told how much I'm loved.  How much I'm cared for.  Hearing from my parents and them telling me how much I mean to them.

Sadly, as I look back on my marital life I can honestly say that I can't remember feeling "loved."  I never felt special.  I never felt as though I mattered.  Perhaps I am cynical this evening, but I really feel like a pile of frozen leftovers.  I honestly feel a bit cold.  Very cynical.  When I think of Lovey, I only feel like leftovers...or Daddy Warbucks.

Over our 26 years I footed her bills. I never felt like I was loved.    Eight significant deaths occurred in my family -- all affiliated with my parents.  Not once did she write a card or to make a telephone call or to try and offer prayers with them.  And she was a minister.

When it comes to my gay life...oh there are guys who want to jump my bones and take me to bed.  Or they send me messages on the dating sites that are quite graphic.  They speak of candlelight and roses.  But the cynicism I feel about such things has made me doubt the sincerity of it all.

I am frustrated with myself.

I'm always the one to develop crushes.....I'm the one who is willing to tell the objects of my affection my true feelings, only to get a thousand reasons for not having those feelings returned in kind.

So, for now, I am just best relying on me.  Enjoying my alone time.  Try and stop thinking of ways to meet men or to develop friendships and do whatever to try and gain attention of someone.

I just need to relax.  Be me.

If someone is indeed interested in me, they need to let me know for a change.

A good thing about the crushes I have had show that I am alive.  I am able to have very strong and very deep feelings.  I know what that's like.  I love the invigoration.  I love the racing heart beat.  The spring in my step.

The smile on my face.

Aw, when it happens.

It's gonna be something.

But, I need to just be content with me.

Back Home...Late

It has been such a very busy day.

I'm exhausted.

I had a long day at my office. Then left and immediately went to an important church meeting.

I'm finally home.

No words of wisdom. No divine revelations.

Just tired...and a bit blue.

All this stuff that Mom O'Lovey is going through with cancer. For the past three weeks, I have dreamed nonstop of my parents.

I miss them so...

Does this ever get better? The feeling of loss.... The feelings of WHAM! Slap from left field?

Interesting Telephone Conversation

I have made a lot of friends overtime online.

It helps to have something in common. The gay thing tends to really bond men together.

For the past few momths I've been communicating with a brit. He has sent me pictures along the way and he appears to be drop dead gorgeous.

He comes to the states fairly frequently and has expressed the desire to meet me in person. So, I suppose I am open to this.

What can it hurt?

He emailed me on Friday to say he was arriving in Boston tonight for two nights. He wanted to know if he could have my telephone number for us to chat.

I said sure...and gave him my cell phone number.

He called. We spent almost one hour chatting.

The man has a way with words. The british accent is surely a turn on for me.

He really wants to meet soon.

My heart raced at all the things he said.

He seems like he has literally leaped from my dreams into shoe leather. He said stuff that only I have shared with you all in terms of the man I am looking for. The things he likes....the things he wants......the things he doesn't like.....

I am touched.

But as I have said in previous posts, it doesn't take a lot to sweep me off my feet. The two men that I know here....that I dream of....are in this league as well. But, they have not made any moves toward me.

All it takes is an imagination....a dash of romance.....deep affection....and a willingness to put me first for a change...and I can be had.

Sad but true!

Just Overall Weirdness....

I am not sure how to begin this post.  Today there is so much on my mind.  I suppose I will just begin to write and hopefully my thoughts will unfurl as they move from mind to the printed page on the Internet.

Ever since Mom O'Lovey has been diagnosed with lung cancer, I have been greatly troubled.  It just does not seem to be fair for me.  My goodness she has spent the majority of her 82 years on the planet trying to eat healthy, watch her carbs, and get as much excercise as possible -- from swimming....to aerobics.....to walking.....to tennis.

And now this.

She never smoked.

And now this.

And since I have spent so much time thinking about her, I've not been sleeping well at night.  I keep dreaming about my parents.  For some reason lakes or ponds and swans all are a part of these dreams.

I awaken all shook up.  Unsetttled.  Bothered.

I guess the fact that Mom O'Lovey struggling with lung cancer and all her scans and tests and chemo and radiation have dredged up all kinds of buried feelings and thoughts that I was just now beginning to move from.

And so I dream.

Bummer.

On top of this, I find myself pondering my love life, or lack there of.  The two men in my life currently that I am indeed so interested in are not available.  It would not be a good thing for me to jump up and say..."Hey!  I want to date you!"

I don't think either are available emotionally or physically.  Even though either one of these gentlemen could probably use a good romp in the hay.  I just don't feel right about raising my hand and volunteering for the mission.

The friendships I have with these men is indeed important to me.  I genuinely care for both of them.  (I have to be careful about what I write here, because they both know about this blog...and I would hate for them to read about themselves here.)

One of these men is many years younger than me.  The other is significantly older than me.  They both affect me in different ways.

My love for them could be tipped in either direction.

All the younger would have to do is to express interest.  The same is true for the older.

Given each's unique situation, I am in no hurry to get them to commit to me.  I am patient and willing to wait.  But my goodness, it would mean so much to me to be able to reach over and hold either man's hand.  Or to rest my ead upon his shoulder. Or to curl up on a sofa somewhere and just snuggle.

It's not a matter of jumping either man's bones.  Or wanting to get naked with them.

I guess if the truth be told, I am indeed in love.

This all reminds me of how it felt when I first met Zach.  The butterflies...the racing heart rate......the trembling hands.

Then I read I Corinthians 13 about what true love is and what true love is not.

Oh, I'm here.

I guess I am drawn more to one than to the other.  Even to the point of feeling guilty when I have sex with someone else.  It feels like cheating.

Now keep in mind, I've not been intimate with either of my guys.

We've not had the big discussion about monogamy and what that means for "us."

In my head though it feels like I am committed.  Being with anyone else just seems wrong.

But gosh.  I don't even know where I officially stand with these men.

Its frustrating.

I want to get down to business.  I want to help them through their time of sadness and difficulties.

But I am paralyzed by fear.

By fear of rejection.

By fear of failure.

By fear in general.

What do I do to get over this?

Do I throw all caution to the wind and level with these men?  Get the hurt and rejection over with.

What do I do?

Amour

Went to the movies today with a friend.

It was a foreign film entitled "Amour" with Jean-Louis Tringtinant from France. He was that hunk of manhood from the old 1960s film "A Man and A Woman."

Trust me, the years have not been that good to him.

I digress.

The movie centered on an elderly couple. The woman has a stroke. She continually gets worse. It shows how much time he spends with her and his loving care for her.

Have you ever been to one of those films where you just don't understand it.

Well, that's me on this one.

If you've seen it and understand it, feel free to comment on it. Supposedly it is expected to win for Best Picture this year, outshining Lincoln.

ICK!

Layers of an Onion

I've been accused of thinking to much == over analyzing.

Perhaps this is true. However, I find that as I journey through life, who better to ponder stuff with than me -- the guy that I am stuck with, who has sort of become my best friend. After all, I am always there for me. Even when others are gone.

So living this life and being out....and dealing with all things gay, it only makes sense for me to spend a degree of time trying to sort out why I feel the way I do about things.

The gay life, at least for me, seems to ebb and to flow. Sometimes I fixate on the topic of love and loneliness -- as I have for the past couple of weeks. At other times it moves to the backburner of my life while other issues move front and center.

It's sort of like watching the ocean at the beach. Some waves manage to get higher on the beach than others. Each wave is unique. Each has its own strength and affects its surrounding accordingly.

Today I am pondering the residual effects of wanting love.

I've glossed all over the intricacies of having a close partner. I've forgotten all the sleepless nights that Lovey inflicted upon when she was a close partner. Drama, drama and more drama with her.

But I wonder had I been straight...would that have been different.

Now that I am gay...would it all be different with a male partner.

As you can see, I have thought long and hard about all this.

Still, as I wonder through life I have concluded that I will have issues to deal with when that man does arrive on the scene.

Basee on my marriage ending, and that long term think I had with the other married guy (ZACH), I feel a bit protective of my heart. I don't want to open it up to someone so freely, only to have it torn asunder and ripped to shreds.

So my guy will have to be patient with me in the area of trust.

Oh, I can love. I can totally let go and enjoy all that it brings.

But I'm afraid.

I've discovered that I am truly afraid.

For all that I hope for...and all the crushes I have had, I am afraid of what might happen if one of these crushes turns to me and says "I've got a crush on you too...let's go for it and see what happens!"

This was illustrated a few days ago.

There is a man that I currently know that I have very deep feelings for. He does not know. Aw...he might have a clue. But, he doesn't really know the depth of them.

I spent some time with him...and as we visited, I couldn't help but notice his hands......his eyes........his body.....the way he moves..... Gosh, like a girl I sat there wondering what it would be like to hold his hands. To cup his cheeks and plant a little kiss on his beautiful lips. How I wanted to just wrap my arms around him and to let him know that there is a guy in his life that cares for him deeply.

As we parted company, we ended our visit with a big bearhug....and a brief kiss.

Parts of me rumbled to life. My heart raced.

Wet spots appeared in my slacks -- what a mess!

But as I walked away, the apparition of fear hit me.

In the midst of this pleasant experience....of feeling like this man is so right.....and how I could just be so happy with this man....

The fear erupted. Can I truly trust him? Would this be a relationship that I could handle? Can he trust me?

In my heart, I know that I have done a lot of things that the gay world considers normal. I've had more sex partners than the average person. I've tried different things -- more than the average person.

So, would this man forgive? Could I forgive him?

Monogamy....I say I want it. But in the gay world....could I real do it? I mean I have allowed the sex genie to escape from her bottle. Gay men have sex because its fun...and a lot will tell you that it cements friendships.

But really.

What kind of partner/husband would I make?

My psyche is a lot like an onion.....layers....upon layers....upon layers.

The Bad News

Came home early from the office. I had a problem with the old sinuses...but when I got home, I got a telephone call from Lovey.

Her mother got the results back from her PETSCAN from yesterday. The cancer has metastasized and is in her collarbone and a femur (leg). She begins radiation next week...and followed by chemo.

So it brings back a lot of bad memories for me about my own parents.

It makes me realize just how fragile life is and how things can come from left field. Sort of makes my other gay issues pale in comparison.

Interesting People Who Cross My Path

I am always amazed at how many different kinds of people cross my path.  I am just trying to be myself.  Not worry about the dating thing.  Even though there are two men that I have humongous crushes on.  Either of these guys could be the one -- but each has their own set of baggage that prevents them from seeing me in any way of romantic entanglement.

Tonight I have received texts from both.  

So, I am glowing right now.  

Today one of them kissed me even!

WOW!

I also received an email from someone that was captivated by one of my online profiles.  Only problem with him is that he does not know that I keep lists of folks who I have communicated with and who have treated me badly.

He was one of those.

Guess I am not going to pursue that one.

I've found out that a number of the men with whom I have dealings with at my office are gay.

It's just amazing how folks are coming out....right and left.

Sam Champion, the GMA Weatherman recently married his boyfriend.  Jim Nabors just announced that he married his longtime boyfriend recently.

Yes, times are changing.

Perhaps a good guy  will cross my path too.

The Unattainable

What do you do if you find someone that you believe is the perfect match for you....and that you are confident that you are the perfect match for him? AND..from the outset...it all seems so unattainable?

He lights up the room when I see him. He just doesn't know it.

He makes my heart skip a beat. He just doesn't know it.

He means the world to me -- even the universe. He just doesn't know it.

After we have been together, my entire day is brighter. He just doesn't know it.

I have sort of an interesting way of measuring my feelings for people. In the realm of love and relationships, I look at how I'm feeling about someone....and weigh it against I Corinthians 13.

No, I'm not getting all preachy.

But as a man of faith, I weigh things like this to make sure it's not just falling in lust with someone.

Aw...this is so much deeper than that.

Not interested in jumping his bones just for the sake of doing that.

The situation is not perfect. Some storms have the waters all churned up.

But I want to be there for him and only him. I want to be his rock. I want to be his lighthouse. Whenever...

Thinking long term potential here. Not fly by night.

Thinking how much fun it would be to just wrap my arms around him forever and do what I can to brighten his life or let him know just how special he is. Or how contented I could be just curled up somewhere with my head on his chest.

He doesn't have to do one thing to maintain these feelings in me. He doesn't have to do anything special. He doesn't have to earn a boatload of cash. He can be the biggest failure in the world.

All he has to do is to live and draw his breaths.

Aw....he just doesn't know it...

Frank Goes On Another Date

OMG....I was invited on a date last night at a nearby restaurant.

He and I had been corresponding for quite a while and finally, last night, our schedules meshed.

"Would you be free to meet me at 'such and such' for drinks around 6:00pm?"

I said okay....and off I went.

To meet the mystery man who had been married. He has adult kids. He has an elderly mother. He has two dogs and a beach house on the shore.

This man said he was one year younger than me. He said he worked out. He said all kinds of things.

But when we finally met, I immediately got bad vibes. It wasn't a good fit. There were no good feelings. He came across as whiny. He looked older than he said. He was shorter than he said. His clothes made him look like a totally elderly guy.

So I ordered a full meal. I'm diabetic and I'm hungry and I don't drink. He ordered wine. He finished his wine....and he had to leave and cook his supper. He cooks all his meals....EVERY NIGHT he said. Tonight's meal was fresh salmon. So he was going to do that.

I smiled. Told him to call me. Thanked him for meeting me.

I wanted so badly to say, "Be Gone!" But I was nice. I continued my dinner.

Not going to hold my breath for his returned call.

Miscellaneous Thoughts

I'm a member of a number of online discussion groups. All of them concern being gay and male....and yes...gay and married. Over the years I have made a host friends who are married and dealing with the issue. Some are out to their wives. Some are not. They make these decisions based on their own reasons. I am in no position to criticize or advise them of the best way they should handle their journey.

It's just all so very interesting.

It's diverse.

Even though they have a lot in common with me...in terms of being gay. The approach they choose is as vast as the stars in the heavens.

Today a couple of discussions caught my eye.

One in particular advised the men to never trust a single gay man. "Only consort with married gay men." The thinking surrounding this pronouncement is that you only deal with those men who have as much to lose as you do.

HOGWASH I say.

There is nothing magical for one married man to only deal with other married men. Married guys can be broken vessels just like anyone else. They can be psychos. They can out you just as well as anyone else.

They can black mail.

I decided to comment on this post and say all of the above.

My one question to the group was "What's wrong with getting to know someone first before dropping trou? I find that dropping trou is so much better when there is a knowledge and comfort and yes, some emotion behind it...and if you are doing it out of a relationship....whether it be casual friendship...or something deeper."

Well, my comments have not generate much discussion. So, I wait and see.

The second conversation topic that caught my eye today was whether men kiss.

It has always fascinated me that there are some men who refuse to kiss. It's too intimate they say. This is after, of course, they have licked your spleen and your more southern regions.

Why is that?

To me, kissing is a deal breaker. If a guy won't kiss you during the act...why bother. I want to feel that connection...and frankly, kissing is like completing a circuit within me. It gets me going in ways that I can't explain.

There is a right way and a wrong way to kiss old Frank here.

During my experiementation phase after Lovey ditched me, I explored all male sex parties. I always played safe and to be honest, I really enjoyed watching more than participating.

One day in particular, I was lying on a vacant bed enjoying all the activity surrounding me. Men of all shapes and sizes were paired off and enjoying each other. I noticed that there was a lot of mechanical sex happening. This is the kind of stuff that happens when two men are in lust with each other and it is primarily about getting to orgasm. Once its over, they wipe off...go shower....get dressed and leave. Basically without a word.

Still others click in a magical way. I've seen some great relationships/love stories begin at these gatherings. It's amazing. As far as these guys are concerned, they are the only two in attendance. They only have eyes for each other and that's the only people they are there for.

Then there are those who are just willing to pile on....or drop to their knees....or physically connect with someone just to stick themselves into a warm and inviting orifice--just to get off.

This one particular day, I was a mere observer. All of a sudden, one of the latter -- a very tiny asian guy decided to actually hop on me to take me for a spin. No inquiry...not attempt to see if I were interested. In his mind I would be the perfect person to get him off.

He also assumed wrongly that I would be turned on if he were to begin kissing me in a way that Lassie might introduce herself -- with a wet tongue licking my face...my cheeks......my ears......my chest......my underarms.

EWWWWWWWW.

I politely told him that I was "resting" and needed a break. He finally took the hint and attacked some other poor soul.

I was totally grossed out.

At the same party, another man gingerly approached me. He was a few years my junior...and he asked if he could sit on the loveseat with me. He was a cute man....and so my type. I was totally captivated and immesnely touched that he reached over and stroke my hand. Very sweetly....and gently. He then began to gently rub my shoulders....touch my face..... Then he leaned in and kissed me. Warmly....gently.....closed mouth..... He certainly knew what he was doing. As our passions began to rise.....he held me close......the kissing became more intense......and as this happened.....mouths opened in unison....and tongues joined.

It was so intense. So warm. So passionate.

For those few moments, I felt as if I were the only man in the world....and for that few moments I was the center of this man's universe.

As the session continued....we progressed to other stuff that men can do for each other (no need to describe all the gory details)....but suffice it to say that he and I both reached total climaxes in relatively short order.

Instead of him wiping off....jumping up....and leaving....he continued to hold me....to kiss me tenderly....and I eagerly returned the favor. I could have been there entangled with him for hours...but alas he had to leave....and he was married with kids.

Bummer.

But that taught me something. There is something wonderful about taking one's time....and allowing feelings to grow. Allowing passions to rise.

I can't help but long for someone such as this for a partner....or as a bf.....or as a potential mate.

If I could find someone of this calibre, you would see one happy FRANK.

FRANK would be intensely happy. That man, whoever he is, would be on cloud 9.

I am not saying that sex is the only thing I am basing things on. But I'm saying that having those needs fulfilled by one man....who is comfortable with himself....who can let go and not be afraid to express passion and deep affection for another man is well on his way to become my dream guy.

WOW!

Sleeping Alone

So, I'm tired of sleeping alone.  It would be really good to finally settle down and have someone that  would be content with me, and only me and feel like I really matter to someone.

But the going is slow, and I'm not sure why this is the case.

Let me give you some background.

Back in my straight days I NEVER dated.  The gay thing had me petrified of the opposite sex.  The mating dance totally intimidated me -- big time.  This was because of my being gay and I knew that whatever I did with a woman, I would fail.

So, the only woman I ever dated was the woman now known here only as "Lovey."

We all know how that all played out.

Fast forward to the current day.  I have been looking for ages for a good partner.  I've gone on a number of blind dates.  I've met some wonderful men.  We seem to get along.  We talk about all kinds of things.  We've gone to movies.  We've had romantic dinners.

BUT ... something always happens

They never call back.

Or they disappear into the ether of the Internet.

So, I just wish I could find someone sincere who  is not always on the lookout for the next best thing.  Someone who would be content with a regular guy.  A sincere guy.  A guy who has much to offer and who has a lot of love to give.

A guy who is tired of sleeping alone.

Elected!

What a day!  I just got home from church and lunch with a wonderful lesbian couple I know.  It has been totally eventful.

We have been without a full time senior pastor for almost 18 months.  We currently have a great interim pastor.

Today I was elected to the Pastor Search Committee.  Since we are  a primarily lesbian congregation, I am quite amazed that out of seven individuals, I was one of two men put onto the committee.  So, the real work begins and we hope to have a new senior pastor by the first of June.

Ambitious, huh?

So, one more task that I have to do.

Older, but BETTER?

See the guy to my left?  He is the kind of guy that I hope that I can grow into.  He seems confident.  He is well dressed.  He appears relaxed.  He's drinking his coffee and reading his IPAD on his balcony.

Aw...I could probably create his entire backstory jut by looking at him. 

As I have said on a number of occasions, I have cast my net quite broadly.  I've been brutally honest in the type of person I seek. 

I've also indicated that I am a mature man. Haven't really thought about it too hard, bu tgosh....I turn 55 in just a few months.

Today on one of those apps, a young twenty something sent me a message to say how hot he thought I was.  Now, keep in mind you all that this is just based on a picture of me with a coat and tie.  Nothing spectacular, but it's a good rendering of what I am all about.  I'm pretty comfy with just me.and how I am looking these days.

Then he told me I looked like a TV star.

He couldn't remember the name.

I was curious.  I've never been told that I look like anyone famous.

Finally he wrote me back, "I know who you look like!  You look like the old guy that Emmett was with in QUEER AS FOLK!"  (The Actor, Bruce Gray, to my right)

Well gosh....that made me wilt like a dead chicken.  Well not really, Bruce is a great looking guy. 

But isn't he the one that died in the airplane bathroom after he and Emmett had a romantic rendezvous on a transatlantic flight to join the mile-high club?

Well I will be 55 soon.  So, I'm not the pretty young thing I once was.

But, really, I do like how I'm turning out in middle age and at the beginning of my old age!  So I guess I am on my way to looking distinguisehed, happy confident and secure.

No offense taken!

Mindless and Mechanical Sex

I am just so sick of my whining....and my overall frustration at not having someone in my life.  I am so sick of me.

So here is the thing that is so maddening.

Why is it that men will spend forever whining about their bad experiences in the land of gay.....and yet still wallow in the same old ways.

Let me explain.

A man that I went to visit -- to actually meet for the very first time on Monday, whined about the lack of love in his life.

He went on and on and on and on about it. 

He spoke of his former partner....boyfriend....whatever you want to call it....and how that they had barebacked the last time he saw him and how he picked up prostatiis from bacteria from his bf!

Then as we chatted, he was bombarded by 10 or so instant messages from people hitting on him on GROWLR.

Then he talked about his getting drunk and waking up with people in his bed.  How he couldn't remember their names....and how sometimes he is thankful that there are no people in his bed after a night of heavy drinking.

Then how he meets people and how they disappear into the ether.

He then talked about the innagural ball he was attending that night and how he hoped he didn't get so sloshed that he couldn't walk to the metro. 

Spent two hours with him...and decided I needed to leave.

NOPE!  There was not any intimacy....even though he was hunky and former military.

After all that, I don't want to pursue him.  He kind of turned me off.

Today I received a text saying how much he enjoyed meeting me.  I told him that I ennjoyed meeting him too.  But most definitely not headed any place.

Upon reflection, I hope I don't come across like him.  I gave my undivided attention to him.  I turned off the cellphone.  He did turn down his television.    I have to give credit where credit is due.

I answered all his questions.  He answered all mine when he wasn't blabbing on and on and on and pausing to answer texts from men who "wanted him."...

But when I left, I pondered him....and compared him with me.  I now know how I don't want to come across.   Yes, he was quite doable....and I could have just had mindless and mechanical sex with him.  I could have left with my carnal needs satiated....

BUT

As I grow further into deep middle age, I am totally turned off by this kind of sex.

I want something meaningful and lasting.

Not a fast hookup.

Not just a secretion of bodily fluids all over.

But someone who will be there for the longhaul....and even be there when the fluids stop being secreted and the moaning stops.

WHERE ARE THE MEN LIKE THIS IN THE DC AREA?

The Blues.....

Back at work and I have a case of the blues.  It did not help that last night I dreamed of my parents and the house they once lived in...we all lived in...

I miss them so very much.

It just feels so weird to not have them them around. 

At times I feel so strong and so self confident.  Today I just feel alone and needy.  I feel even vulnerable. 

I don't like feeling this way.  But there it is.  Hanging out here for the world to see and to read about. 

I feel so gosh darn fragile.  I don't like feeling this way.  I really must work to shoreup these feelings.  Get my act together and enjoy the life I have. 

I have many blessings to ponder.  God has been great to me.  After all, I could never have survived the massive breakup of my marriage, the kids leaving the nest, the terminal illnesses of my parents, their subsequent deaths, probate, estate liquidation, house renovations, etc. without that presence in my life.

Based on the previous posts, I am gay....and I hunger for a relationship.  Where this hunger comes from, I don't know.  But I feel as though a parrt of me is missing.  I have a hole there that is beyond description.  At times, like now, I am aching for a presence.  I guess it scares me because as I said previously, I don't want to appear to be needy and I don't want to fall for the first thing that shows the least bit of interest.

I have a secret list of qualifications that I am looking for.  I created it to just put out there in the universe what I long for -- up close and personal.
\
I feel like a bloomin' onion....layers and layers and layers of stuff to deal with. 

It never ends. 

Have You Noticed.....?

I have been writing here a lot more in the past few days. I guess this is because that I feel a tad guilty at neglecting you all for months at a time. So, I am striving to really keep you apprised of what I am experiencing...or at least thinking about.

The gay issue is not ever very far away from my mind.

For example, today I actually got to spend some time with a man that I have been corresponding with for several months. It was frustrating to me because although he said that was looking for something more than a hookup...he veered off into a discussion about how he has been used only for sex. He then told me about all his conquests....and then shared pictures of his conquests.....and suggestive pictures of himself.

Once again, I found myself totally turned off.

He was attractive....I could have really been into him...but he would not shut up....and with his discussion of prior conquests in all its gory detail, I'm just turned off.

Another nice guy contacted me as a result of one of my personal ads online....he and I have traded emails. We've traded face pics...we've talked and shared. He sound like a good man. He has been married and has adult kids like me. Planning to meet him this week, but I am not getting my hopes up.

Perhaps it is self defeating....or I am just fulfilling self made prophecies.

So, I am at a loss.

What do I do to meet a good guy?

I do not want to be desperate or to just fall for the first man who shows interest.

So, I just have to take my time....keep my standards and move forward.

It would be so helpful if I had a lot of dating experience. I don't have it. So I don't know what the rules are....I have no way of knowing if I'm committing relationship faux pas.

Gay men can be cruel. The rules appear out of no where generally after you have committed the sin. Gay men are not forgiving.

Then what do I do when I meet someone that I have attraction to? Do I continue to be the one who takes the risk and lay my cards on the proverbial table...or do I hope that he will make the first move.

I know several men who are in this category. All it would take is if they were to suggest that we try something....

I will let you know if something develops....

President Obama

Today was certainly an eventful day for us gay folks.

The President spoke of Stonewall and of marriage and the like. I nearly fell out of my chair. I had to explain to my daughter just exactly what Stonewall was, and why it had such significance for me.

So, liberals like myself loved the speech....and the conservatives will hate it.

Oh my!

None of this changes the fact that I am still here and that I am still gay....

It is amazing to see just how far this issue has progressed through the years. It used to be considered so disgusting...AWFUL....WRONG....but at least here in the Washington, DC area, it is no big deal.

I just went to the grocery store. A gay couple checked out ahead of me. No one batted an eye.

I had dinner at a Chinese Restaurant close to my home and they were all glued to the television watching the parade. As I looked on, a gay and lesbian marching band went by...and the TV commentators mentioned their names.....zoomed in on the banner they were carrying. I watched some of the working class men standing in line.....and expected some snide comments....but it was just business as usual. Nothing bad happened.

WOW!

So, we are realizing I believe that gay people are just like everyone else. We are entitled to be happy just like everyone else. We're not child molesters, perverts...and we're not sending the country to hell....blah....blah...blah.

God has also not sent down fire and brimstone to all the states sanctioning gay marriage either.

In fact, Western Civilization as we know it continues to operate and has not missed a beat.

So, I hope the Bible thumpers will just take a powder...and calm down.....and learn tolerance.

It's time.

I Won't Give Up

This song pretty much sums up my feelings for that special man. Wherever he is...

Church Today

I was in a much better frame of mind today. THANK GOD! It's always good to enjoy church surrounded by your friends. Last week's funk was gone....but I got little twinges of sadness today.

When I got there....my former bf was there (he's coming to church a lot more frequently now that he has a new bf I see). He was seated next to his new man of the hour....and I thought about turning around and going home. It truly pains me. Never thought I would feel that way about a long dead relationship. But it truly hurts. I guess because I remember how he used to sit close to me in church....have his arm around me like he was this morning. Holding close....etc....etc.

Those were good days.

So I found a seat behind two of my best lesbian friends ever. They blocked my view of him and him.

It helped greatly.

I am what is referred to as a communion minister at church. This means that after people have dipped their wafer into the cup of grape juice, they come to us for special prayers and blessings. Today I was asked to serve and I never turn it down.

So there I was at the front of the church. I prayed with a multitude of people....and near the end...who is standing before me for prayer and blessing? YUP...my ex-bf and his bf.

I couldn't run.

I couldn't hide.

Although I was tempted to do both.

So, what did I do?

I opened my arms broadly.......and welcomed them both with a broad smile. I suppose I'm a candidate for a really big gold star when I get to heaven! LOL!

Seriously, it hurt.....and whatever the hurt was....be it pride...or something else, I sucked it all up and prayed for them singly...and as a couple...that God would direct their path. My ex-bf had his head nestled on my right shoulder.....and the bf was at my left shoulder....a little more of a reserved distance between us. When the AMEN was said, I received pecks on the cheek from both.

I made it through!

Shocked...

One of my friends came up to me afterward to say that my grace was showing and it was incredible. The friend did not think that they would have been so graceful at such a moment.

I guess God knows what He is doing...

I certainly don't know.

I Want...

I ran across this on a site for gay men. I've made some editorial changes to remove some of the more graphic passages, but it pretty much sums up what I hunger for...here as I grow older. I turn 55 this year. Will I find this....really?



I WANT

I want to feel a man touch me again, to hold him close in the darkness, head resting against his chest as his heart slows, and his breathing rests and slows......

I want to feel what love is like one more time, and to remember that all consuming passion, I want to look in his eyes as we share intimacy.....

I want to look in his eyes as he shares deep intimacy with me, I want him to hold me tight and passionately and in that moment for us to be one.......

I want him to rub the stubble of his chin across my chest while he whispers a poem or words of Shakespeare to me.....

I want to ache for him in his presence and ache for him in his absence.....

I want to sit on a hill and hold his hand watching the fireflies around us.

I want to know every part of him....

I want him to need me like there is no other. I want to be his lover, his friend,,,,,,,,,,,,

I want to matter...

I want him to smell of his special cologne with his own unique scent that will make me remember him......

I want him to share my bed and entangled sheets, smell magnolia and hear those noises that go bump in the night......

I want his voice to be the last thing I hear before sleep sweeps over me at night and the first thing I hear as I stir awake in the morning......

I want to lay with him under a tin roof and hear the rain, lay in a creek naked and devour him,,,,,and shower together.....

I want him to hold my hand and watch a movie.....

I want to have a fine dinner and look across the table into the eyes of the one that I love totally......

As I grow older....I just want all these things....just once more.....

Life Continues...

Mom O'Lovey is home...and she is looking just as beautiful as ever. She is in good spirits and is planning to get better and working hard to follow all the instructions the doctors have said.

It's interesting to watch the family close ranks. Even my daughter is in on this. She gets all "testy" when I ask questions or say that I want to go visit. Yesterday she ordered me not to visit....but I decided I wanted to see Grandma. Everyone else had come by and I have sense enouogh to know not to wear out my welcome. The rest of them had been there all day.

So I made my appearance. Grandma greeted me warmly...and we visited. I am glad that I went.

I pray for the best....but given my parents' experience with Cancer, I am expecting the worst. I also am savoring every moment I can spend with her.


She is a dear lady.

A Reflection

It's kind of strange and the time has flown by. But do you realize I have been writing here for seven years? Seven long years?

Almost 900 posts?

Amazing.

And here I am still writing.

But the truly neat thing about this is that I can go back here and read some of those posts. I can remember the pain. I can remember the uncertainty. But I can see the phenomenal growth of where I've been.

It is truly amazing.

Although I am not where I'd like to be, which is settled into a nice loving relationship with another man...and not hooking up with FWBs, I see that I am much more comfortable with myself as a gay man. I've come out to a number of people. A number of unexpected people have come out to me. I've made a lot more friends.

Life is good.

I'm constanly trying to make it better.

The Perfect Man

It is no secret that old Frank here is hoping to find a special man or a mate one day.

A few things I keep in mind is that I am just me. There is no pretense. I am certainly no little twink looking for a sugar daddy. I'm not looking for a gym god or a man who looks like he just crawled away from a porn set in exhaustion.

Just a good guy will do. (This doesn't mean that I'm going to "settle" for anyone. I have some really high standards/expectations.)

I've had some interesting exchanges in the dating world with younger men who find me attractive. That kind of cracks me up. I mean...I am just me. From what they say, it just seems I am dripping with testosterone and sex appeal.

I want to giggle and say, "Who me?" The youngest man has been 19.

At 54, it just seems odd to be contemplating the dating scene with someone younger than your youngest child!

I've also dated some older guys. The oldest being in his early 80s...who drove a convertible with wrap around Ray Bans and snow white hair.

Realistically though, unless a phenomenal younger man wanders into my life and my hormones reach out and sing to his, I would be content with someone closer to my age give or take 10 years.

I've been warned by some of my friends that I should be especially aware of the takers that are rampant in the gay community. I would love to find a giver....a gentleman..., someone settled in his life, successful with a decent job. Someone not worried about anything other than enjoying each other's presence. Someone not looking for a fulltime live in immediately. Someone not already clearing the parking spot for my U-haul or awaiting the delivery of his crates at my townhouse in Virginia. Someone kind, spiritual, sensual and romantic. Someone not afraid to be romantic or do something dumb like sending me a romantic text message in the middle of the day. Someone who wouldn't mind a lunchtime quickie...or a weekend getaway. A man that would like to spend some time with me at my favorite haunts in Myrtle Beach SC all year round.

Someone willing to drive the Pacific Coast Highway from LA to San Francisco, CA and beyond. Someone to take a gay cruise. Someone to make love to and to be made love to by. Someone who could build a relationship with my kids and grandchildren and I, his. Someone interested in traveling back to my home state and meeting those relatives.

Someone to spend the rest of my life with.....and be willing to put time and effort into making a strong and healthy relationship. Someone to grow old with.

Someone to spend quiet evenings at home with.....or go to a movie.....or check out a museum....or a battlefield.....or the beach.....or a junk store.....or a classic car show.....or whatever.

Get the idea?

Well, old Frank here is open to a vairety of "types".....so if you know anyone in the DC metro area....point him in my direction.

I've been told I am a great catch.

I'm finally at the point where I have to agree!

A Very Long Day

I have had a very long snd stressful day here at my office overlooking a busy street here in Washington, D.C. Since I have approximately 45 minutes before I leave to go home and have a great dinner, I thought I would sit and write to all of you.

When I reread some of these posts I cringe. I know I made a pledge back at the beginning that said I would never try to gloss things over or airbrush myself. I certainly succeeded in that pledge. I honestly can't believe some of these postings.

I guess I could remove them, but you know....there may be some men out there undergoinig similar issues and in some way this might help them.

So I keep this blog intact.

I keep writing.

I keep sharing my deepest and darkest thoughts hopes and fears with all of you.

I really do appreciate your faithfulness at reading this. I can tell from the stats I see, there are a number of you who are a lot more faithful at reading all this than me at writing all this stuff.

I appreciate each of you tremendously.

I thank you for your comments....and your email.

So if you keep reading, I promise to keep writing.

Frank Gets into Deep Trouble! LOL!

Due to the hustle and bustle of the holidays, I forgot to share with you how I got into trouble with Lovey during Christmas. I found it all amusing. Still it was drama! LOL!

Mom O'Lovey made it clear very early that at the annual family Christmas feast, scheduled for Christmas Day that she wanted me to be there too. As I alluded to in an earlier post, she and I have grown very close to each other and since I live only three blocks from her, I am always dropping by to make sure she is okay.

Lovey also said she wanted me there -- for her own reasons. This was in order to meet her new beau -- a fellow member of the clergy.

Since Lovey was arriving on Christmas Eve, my daughrers decided to invite her and her mom up Christmas Day morning to enjoy breakfast, then return to their house in time to greet the reverend upon his arrival.

As luck would have it, Lovey wound up inviting him too because he was arriving at her mom's house much earlier than planned. She asked if I would mind him coming to breakfast...at my house. It sort of put me on the spot...but I thought, what the hell. I figured it would make me look bad if I didn't...so there was no other way to WIN!

WELL. The girls caught wind of their mom's plans....and got very indignant. They had not met this stranger...and were appalled that their mother would do this! So, by the time I went to bed on Christmas Eve.....it would just be my daughters and I on Christmas morning for breakfast...which worked out best.

Christmas Dinner arrived. Lovey and family were all nervous about the new beau and the EX (translated gay ex), attending the same soiree! Perhaps they thought I would convert him? Who knows? It was funny. I was so relaxed and could care less if Santa himself made a guest appearance.

(I have to confess, it wasw quite funny to find myself under the mistletoe with him at one point. LOL! I wondered what might happen if I had put a MERRY CHRISTMAS LIP LOCK on him right there in front of God and everyone else.

Following dinner and fascinating discussions about what all he had done in College for Jesus.....(my bible thumping brothers in law were captivated), it was time to open presents.

There was the family picture. I stood by my children....and seated in front of me was he and Lovey! Looking at the picture, he and she were seated butt cheek to butt cheek on the sofa! He is about 5'8" or 5'9"....and is roughly 10 years older than me which would make him 64! He has been married twice before and has one child that he is estranged from.

Fascinating.

I then took a ton of candid photographs.... I managed to take a couple of pictures of he and Lovey seated together. They were innocent pictures.....no labels indicating how hot they were...or how hot they considered each other to be.....or that they were an item. It was just two people at a Christmas Party.

I was asked to post the pictures on Facebook...which I did. They had been in place for two weeks when I got this very urgent email from Lovey asking me to jerk the ones of her and him enjoying the party down off the Web. I did. But for the life of me, I couldn't figure out what the sensitivity was surrounding them.

Her explanation was oddd....something about no one knowing their relationship. How they don't know where it is headed (after 6 years)....how their personal lives should be a secret from everyone....blah...blah.

However she was explicit. I was to keep the entire family picture intact. This is the one featuring Lovey and Beau seated butt cheek to butt cheek on the couch.

Go figure.

So I took the offensive pictures down.

Just now I had the same thing to happen with Mom O'Lovey. I posted a sweet picture of her in her hospital bed wearing a funny hat and requesting prayer for her......oh my ANOTHER STATE SECRET! So, I jerked that down.

So, I am just getting in trouble right and left.

This has taught me a valuable lesson. No matter how helpful I will attempt to be in posting pictures of that family to share them with other family members throughout the country, forget it!

It's a state secret!

My Week Got Worse: but for different reasons entirely!

When we last heard from Frank of Out of the Ashes, he was whining.

I mean REALLY whining!

Even though life can suck at times....and you feel sorry for yourself......and want to shout "Woe is me!", nothing prepared me for the turn my world took shortly after my last post.

As I went about my business, cleaning and trying to organize the mess known as Frank's House, my telephone rang. I picked it up and it was Mom O'Lovey.

She said that she had just gotten back that morning from a sleep study and when she awokee from a short nap, she had begun to spit up blood. Would I be willing to come and be with her as she tried to figure out what to do.

I zoomed down in my car.....and talked her into going to the emergency room. After spending 8 hours, we were told hat she had tumors in her chest. She is now in the hospital...will be there as they begin radiation to shrink the tumors. One is about to shut off airflow to a lung.

Scary stuff.

So, I am thinking about her. Please pray for her as much as you can. I have grown very fond of her...and love her dearly.

Will keep you posted.