Not Whining Really

My post yesterday was just a remembrance of what occurred four years ago. It contained a flashback of the feelings I felt at the time...plus somewhat of a rant or vent of how I am currently feeling.

So, actually, I'm not really whining. Back then I whined. A whole lot!

Today, I'm different. I am quite settled and enjoying the man that I am becoming. I love the quietness....the lack of marital drama. AND, most importantly I am finally free to be me without hiding...or feeling fearful.

You see, fear was my constant companion.

And now...it all seems so manageable.

It seems so odd now.

This weekend is Pride Weekend here in the DC area.

I'm going and I'm taking plenty of pictures. If they turn out good, I will post them.

Hope you have a great week.

Frank is Remembering June 9, 2005.

Today is June 9. I can't believe it, but it is here...AGAIN!

For those of you who have been a follower of this blog, you know that this is the fourth anniversary of my former wife announcing that we would be separated. She told me that fateful day that I had made her life hell. She told me how raw she was inside.

Basically, the garden variety type things one says to one's gay husband...and you want to make yourself the victim.

So, this morning when I arose, it was storming horribly. Fiercely is probably a better word for how bad the storm was.

As I write this, it is the end of another long day at the office. I am meeting a close friend for dinner at 7:30...and it has begun to storm. AGAIN. FIERCELY!

This is probablly a nice way to remember this wonderful anniversary.

I have come so very far.

REALLY far.

It felt like I was in mourning forever. Even now when I think of all that I went through....and the mish-mash of feelings I had, well, I tear up. EVEN NOW.

Divorce isn't easy.

Neither is losing your best friend.

In the ex, I lost both. For all the pleasant words she has to say....she really holds me in no special light. Oh, I suppose I take that back. I am her monthly pay check.

It doesn't matter how much I loved her.

It doesn't matter that I am the father of her three children.

It doesn't matter that I spent many years trying to support her in her ministerial endeavors. Hell, I don't even rate an invitation to her ordination next week.

In the end, it came down to my being gay....(which she knew for 24 years). It all made her so raw inside.

So, it's a stormy night in Washington DC. I am remembering the pain associated with June 9, 2005.

It stings a little.

But I am so much better for surviving that.

That chapter of my life is finally closed.

A Close Encounter

This morning began as any other Sunday morning. I was sleeping so well....and I was awfully tired when I awoke. I even told my daughter that I was almost convinced not to go to church, but then I remembered that I had to help lead our church Bible Study...so I grudgingly went alone.

It was a beautiful morning....and as I drove the 20 minutes to church, I had some quality time to spend with God. I told Him that I was in a really bad mood.... In light of the drama I have been a part of for the past few weeks, there was apart of me that just wanted to find another place to worship.

Old habits die hard....and I was ready to have my walls up....wherever I went. You see I have been hurt....and I really don't want to have THAT happen again. It's difficult....it's painful......and I'm just not set to deal with all that now -- of all times.

Those same feelings that I struggle with from time-to-time surfaced again in an aggressively ferocious manner. I am not real happy with myself at the moment. I feel like a freakin' failure. I am not where I would like to be personally or professionally....or spiritually for that matter. I told God that I have a lot of issues to deal with and the inventory does not seem to be reducing in the least.

So, I went to the Bible Study....and it was really good. Gosh I love those people at my church. More than I can ever say. It's just so difficult to explain, but I do.

I went out into the sanctuary afterwards and continued to talk with God about all my issues. I sincerely asked him if there was anyway for Him to let me know that he's aware of me and MY issues.

It kind of reminded me of the way married couples talk to each other after many, many years of marriage. Usually the wife will tell the husband, "Why don't you tell me that you love me sometimes?" The husband retorts, "I love you.....by all the things I do..... Do I really need to say it?"

For all the times that I speak to God, I long to hear that once in a while. Silly, I know. But I still feel that way.

We had a guest preacher today. She was a 58 year old black lady minister within our denomination. She has a United Methodist Church background. She approached the pulpit....and one of the first things she had to say was that she felt the spirit changing her message title to something (can't remember the first part) "...... or 'I've got issues."

Well, the second half of the message got my attention.

Over the course of the sermon, she said that sometimes God tells her things about people with whom she has special prayer for. She told the congregation that she would be available to pray for people personally following the morning worship service.

I decided to get her to pray with me.

After waiting in line for nearly an hour. It was my turn. She hugged me.

Now let me say, this is the first time I have ever met this woman. She knew absolutely nithing about the dramas I have faced here...

She began to pray, and to the best of my remembrance, her dialog with me went something like this, "God says that he is creating a brand new life for you. He also says that there are people from the old life who are haunting the new one. She told me that God had something very special in mind for me and that when it is all revealed to me, I would be totally shocked...and that it would be the source of tremendous joy for me. She went on to say that God had forgiven me for all the mistakes I have beat myself up over...and that God saw that I didn't feel like coming to church this morning. He wanted me to know that he had come personally to set foot in our church to be of special encouragement to me....and that I hadn't expected it....He loves you supremely and is so glad that you are still on this earth."

At this point she opened her eyes in wide surprise and said, "THAT is really something when the Lord of the universe says that he is pleased that you are still on this earth."

She continued to say that I am so very, very precious in His sight and that God knows all about my questions....and my loneliness.....and that he has something very, very special in mind for me. It is going to happen she says...and that I need to be prepared for it and to remember, remember, remember this talk.

Finally, she closed with a mention that she could see an older man that she believed was my dad. and that he was saying hoe he wishes he had been gentler with me.

She said that God would be giving me a source of great joy and that I should remember it....and now that I should prepare myself for its arrival

Once more, she said how I need to remember, remember, remember....

And I do.

Approaching Anniversaries

I cannot believe that we are only about five days from my fourth anniversary since Lovey decided to separate, which was stage one in my wonderful divorce.

I really have to laugh when I go back and read those early, early posts on this blog -- those were the ones where I was passing the milestone of the first anniversary of that grand pronouncement. Back then I was dreading June 20, 2006 because that was the date that Lovey was slated to move out.

Then she moved out....

My house was stripped bare....and I was alone with my daughter.

Now, I look at that same room.....and see just how far this house has come--how far I have come...... Gosh, the drama I have survived.

The friends I have made.

The relationships I have had...although they were all shortlived.....I've had a couple of fulltime relationships with guys who were available.... But they ended relatively quickly...and here I sit....contemplating it all from a new perspective.

I am amazed at my growth and all the milestones I have passed.

I'm still here.

Taking it all one day at a time.

Life continues to be good and getting better.

My 2nd Anniversary

Friday was my second anniversary of my new life as a divorced, gay man.

Gee I have come such a long way.

Time to Catch Up With Frank!

Sorry that I have been so remiss at writing. Things have been so busy now that my daughter from El Salvador has returned. We're in the process of deep cleaning the house, because God knows it needs it. We also need to get rid of a ton of junk, old clothes, etc. So she has graciously volunteered to help me with this task that has been looking at me for the past two years...that I just haven't been able to make myself do. It has just been difficult for me to become motivated to do anything around the house because when I start cleaning out the junk room, I begin running across old stuff from my old life....like a love note from Lovey from many years ago....or a small token from the kids when they were in elementary, and I cry.

I know it's bad....but I'm a softy.

**************

I had quite an interesting experience last Friday when my daughter and I were headed to West Virginia to visit my parents for the long Memorial Day Weekend.

When we were halfway to my destination and we were cruising along the interstate and enjoying the scenic vistas of the mountains, my cellphone rang.

It was Lovey.

These days when I recive such calls, I geta knot in my stomach. I wonder, "What did I do now?"

Well, I picked it up and and said "Hello" in my cheeriest voice possible.

She didn't sound very happy.

"I'm just calling to let you know all that I have been dealing with this morning," she said.

"What's happening?" I asked, still cheery.

"I received a call from the stalker (a long story for another day), who said that she had heard at a funeral recently, that the real reason the Frank and Lovey split was because Lovey is a Lesbian! 'Tell me it isn't true' the stalker blurted out."

I nearly drove off the road....and cackled. That was the funniest thing I had heard. (The real funny thing is that my dad always thought she was a lesbian!)

Lovey then told me that she had gotten to the bottom of the rumor and had called and confronted the person who had informed the stalker. She wanted me to know that she had set the record straight.

I was still chuckling!

"I'm glad you think it's so funny," she said with grand indignance. "I struggle with these accusations all the time," she continued. "As a single, older woman pastor, I am always suspect."

I didn't know that.

Hmmmm. Perhaps Lovey will get a glimmer of what it's like to be whispered about.....or accused of things wrongly. Perhaps she'll understand all the things I went through when she mounted her campaign to discredit me because of my gayness.

I am amazed at how things have a way of coming back to haunt you.

I continued to laugh heartily about Lovey the Lesbian.

How delicious!

EXPLOSION!!!

Today I went nuclear on someone.

Yup...mild-mannered, kind, and caring Frank EXPLODED today.

I work very hard to keep an even keel in the most difficult of situations. I try to steer clear of controversy. I keep my nose clean...

Today, I got sucked into an unwanted vortex of drama. I have spent the last three weeks negotiating a host of unwanted dramas.... People whom I barely knew come up and tell me what I should do about this or that. Well, today, I exploded.

And totally let go.

The person on the receiving end knew that had received more than what they had bargained for.

They attempted to apologize.

They wanted to call and to talk.

My answer was simple and straight to the point: "I'm done talking to you. I have said all I am going to say about this issue!" "FINITO!!"

Yes, I've grown.

In the olden days I would have allowed this individual to walk all over me.....and I probably would have huddled over in a corner and cried about it because I was such an emotional mess.

But not now....in this day and time.

I'm a force to be wreckened with.

A GREAT Weekend!

It has been a weekend that I have needed on several different fronts.

It began wonderfully well in that my daughter finally got the results of her medical tests. NO CANCER -- just minor stuff that the doctor will follow up on with her on June 19. I am so thrilled that it's not serious and that hopefully we will have a quiet summer ahead. Oh, how I pray I have a good summer.

The retreat was excellent! God certainly had a hold of me during all the sessions. I can sense Him wanting to move in my life in a mightier way. He knows all that I have been going through of late....and the stupid little stuff that has me annoyed. He let me know that He sees it all and that I must wait on Him. This will just be another one of those seasons of silence that He spoke to me about on Ash Wednesday.

So I will wait...watch and listen. Privately.

The new camera worked like a dream. I have some fantastic shots and will publish a couple to accompany this article.

We talked about obstacles in our lives. We were asked to bring a symbol of a obstacle that is no longer part of our lives that we have turned into a joy.

I struggled and struggled about what I should take.

Finally at the very last moment I was passing my china closet and there was the symbol. I wound up taking the cake top from my wedding cake in 1981. Lovey had refused to take it with her when she left. So, I kept it along with some of the other souvenirs from the wedding that I thought my children would find of use.

Lovey's mom worked very hard on that cake top. The group looks like me...with my dark brown beard that I had at the time....and the bride had on a veil and dress that were replicas of the real thing.

It spoke volumes to me. I placed onto the altar at the retreat with the other objects that people had brought symbolizing their mountains/obstacles. I also took along my retreat journal....it contained entries from my first retreat in 2007. In reading those entries and looking back on some of the entries on this blog. I am so shocked at really how far I have come. Issues have faded dramatically -- if not totally evaporated. I am healthier mentally and emotionally.

This is why one goes on retreats -- to ponder and to evaluate. One also has the time to think about one's origin and life's journey.

It's amazing.

Three special individuals spent significant time with me at the retreat. We shared deeply from our hearts....and spoke of our respective journeys. We also listened to each other as we spoke of our individual mountains and our fears....and our regrets. I just cannot begin to describe the love that I felt for these folks. I guess the word is COMPASSION. I understood their hurts and disappointments...just as they understood mine.

In disclosing our feelings...we drew closer.

And it was so special.

This morning as the altar was torn down...and people symbolically retrieved their symbols, I was struck by what each person had brought...and the solemness with which they picked up their items. As I picked up my symbol, I realized for the first time that it was okay to let it all go.

To finally forgive myself for all that has happened.

To understand that it was one of the lessons I was sent her to learn.

To understand it was pain I had to endure.

All these were given to me so that I could be a better listener to others who have hurts and disappointments.

I was also given two big strong arms with which to give gigantic bear hugs to let those undergoing trials or questions......that they are loved.

Beyond mesaure by God....

And...

For what its worth -- me.

Yes a great weekend.

Human Nature

I am 51 years old now and you'd think I would know a FEW things....but I still am guilty of making myself too vulnerable....too caring and too open for my own good. The result? Getting hurt....

Hurt feelings.

Hurt pride.

A few things have been swirling around in my life over the past few days.... Some have been and continue to be the source of a lot of pain -- internalized pain.

I have not really shared it with anyone in my inner circle.

The pain is just there...it has grown into kind of a dull ache now.

The source is very juvenile at best... It's not worth it. It's silly.

But the pain remains very real.

So, before I get myself into substantial trouble, I need to be silent. I need to keep it buried deep. At some point I'll deal with it.

This weekend is the annual church retreat. I really look forward to this opportunity of spending time with some of my favorite church people to relax and enjoy getting to know them better. I've had one person who has asked that I spend some alone time to chat. Maybe I can trust that person with what I have going on at the moment, i.e. if I feel I need to share it.

I also bought a new NIKON SLR Digital 35 mm camera. I'll work on putting together a new DVD for the retreat goers. I also have another idea for something as a meaningful reminder.

We'll see.

Still no word on my daughter's medical tests. I am on EDGE...big time on that one. I will spend a significant portion of time in prayer on that one.

Mother's Day 2009

It's Mother's Day.

It's mom's 75th Birthday weekend too!

Gosh the time flies by...and I am just so blessed to still have both parents in relative good health.

Mom has had such a tough go of it this year. The cancer diagnosis really almost did all of us in. It's amazing how such a pronouncement can have such long term implications. It has generated many nights of worry....moments of uncontrollable sobbing....and overall sadness.

But even through this there have been moments of sunshine. Most recently her diagnosis of being in remission has been such a blessing.

Today I am also thinking of my children. One is headed to her grandmother's home....a few blocks away....to spend the day with her grandma.....her mother.....and her aunts. This is good that for once, Lovey will have one of her offspring with her on this day.

I'm headed to church in just a little while....and I'm going to have a full afternoon.

Unexpected Blessings

Tonight was my debut of sorts.

I did something that I haven't done in over the past 10 years: I sang a solo at church.

I've only been attending this church a little over 2 years, and I shocked everyone because I have never been one to really advertise what I can do. I've been very low key...not really one to toot my own horn.

Tonight was their talent night. So I signed up. I sang the song Cinderella....and I saw many tears in the house as I sang. At the end I received strong applause.....and several people stood...

It gave me back some of the old feelings that I used to have so very long ago when I had been able to minister through song.

WOW!

A Rather Challenging Week!

I have survived this week.

Thank God.

Last week sucked big time....just from the fact that my boyfriend of three months dumped me..and my pride was hurt. Aw, he was a sweet guy. But, as the relationship progressed, I realized that he wasn't the man for me.

I'm not sure if it was the age(he was in his mid-30s to my 51), or if it was just his little quirks (he has OCD), or if it was the fact that he could be stubborn (he liked to do what HE liked to do and he wouldn't allow me to cook for him), or if it was his stinginess (I could hear George and Abe screaming in his wallet, "Let me out!" LOL), or if it was his Type I Diabetes (he drank a lot of bear.....and his energy levels were never consistent -- he said that I had more energy than any one else he has ever dated). I suppose the real clincher for me that kind of set me on edge was the fact that one day he and I were talking and I asked him, "Of all the people you've dated and partnered with (he has lived with several guys), have you ever been in love?" "Nope," he responded. "Never."

The list goes on...

So, I had reached the conclusion that I needed to stop the relationship....but you know me. I tolerated 25 years in a loveless marriage hoping THAT would get better. Is it really any surprise that I was going to let the relationship proceed until after our church retreat in mid-May before I pulled the plug.

Well, the guy pulled the plug on me first.

As I licked my wounds, I was looking forward to a nice evening with a friend who was celebrating his birthday at a wonderful Italian Restaurant in NW DC. When I arrived, can you imagine my feelings when I find out that one of my best friends in the whole wide world is dating my EX boyfriend?

Well, that's exactly what happened.

I was humiliated....mortified....etc.

Not to mention, shocked that my ex was hitting the dating game so soon after the breakup. He certainly didn't let the grass grow under his feet! -- But for all the momentary blips of pain I encountered, in the end this all served as my confirmation that he was not the one for me.

I just hope that my friend does not wind up getting hurt as a result of this new relationship.

From what I can see, his relationship with my EX has started much in the same manner as mine did: lots of fire.....lots of passion....thinking about each other all the time...spending as much time as they can......yadda, yadda, yadda. And I have to hand it to them, my EX is hurling the "L" word to my friend. So maybe this is different.

For them.

I pray so.

Sunday morning I appeared at church sans boyfriend. A dear lesbian friend approached me cautiously to ask of my ex's whereabouts. I informed her that he was not longer my BF and that he was now dating my friend.

She shook her head.

After a few moments, she said, "This is probably a good thing for you, Frank, in the long run. We may be seeing a pattern develop and I would hate to see you hurt."

True. It seems that my ex has seen his share of men...so many in fact that I can't seem to keep up with all of their names.

I just hope that my friend doesn't wind up being hurt.

We'll see.

What Goes Around Comes Around

That's what my mother always says.

It happens everytime.

Happy Birthday Frank!

On today, May 1, 2009, at 6:52 am, I will be 51 years old! It's really hard to believe that I have lived this long. But it has been a good run. I am thankful for all the blessings that I have and for all the wonderful friends I have made during the past four years!

Thanks to all my loyal readers for seeing me through the good and the bad times.

The picture above was kind of appropriate for me...the old guy! LOL!

April 30, 2009

Tomorrow is my birthday.

It looks like this year's celebration is going to be quite low key. I have no lavish plans made. No parties. No dinner engagements where I am the guest of honor.

I'm taking the day off to be with my daughter, who arrived safely from El Salvador for her battery of medical tests. She is preparing a special breakfast for me. I just got a telephone call and it looks like it is going to be at the O'Lovey's home which is only about 3 blocks away. I also have the honor of having Lovey in attendance, which should really be "interesting."

I'm kind of down because this is the first birthday in the last several years where my parents are not with me. Last year, the grand 50th was something. So this one will be a stark contrast to that one.

So, life moves ahead.

I'm a bit tired this evening.

Just a bit "blue."

Does It Ever Get Any Better?

Well, y'all.

I have written that this period of my life has not been my most time period. I've just gotten back to feeling half way decent after having had some serious physical maladies. Prior to that I was feeling like I had blown it in so many areas. Specifically in the realm of relationships.

So, to add to my feelings of inadequacy.....let me add a little more drama to the mix, okay?

There has been a man that I have been "dating" for the past few months. While it had its grand moments...and in the process it gave me a tremendous boost to my self-confidence, there were certain aspects of it that made me wonder. The young man was 15 years my junior. While a younger man is good in some ways......there were some serious drawbacks in my situation.

I discussed some of them with one of my closest friends last night over dinner. In fact, I told him that I did not view this relationship to be long-term material.... I did not see us moving in together.... I did not see us getting "married."

In my mind, I was prepared to give it a few more weeks before I pulled the plug to move on. I wanted to be sure. I didn't want to make any mistakes, because I had wanted someone in my life for so long...and when this guy came along, it was like the answer to my prayers.

Well tonight, for whatever reason, over dinner he decided to pull the plug. "It's not do "it" for me" he said...kind of clinically. Unbeknownst to him, I sighed a breath of relief. There was just a tinge of hurt pride on my part, but I'm quickly getting over it.

However, I am now left to wonder: am I better off alone? Do I really need anyone else in my life? I have my dog....I have my house....I have my job...and my church. Lots of things to keep me busy...and to focus my energy on.

In the last 4 years, I have lost two long term loves.....and now two short term loves.....(one was for 2 months....the other was just under 3 months). Certainly not a very impressive record.

I guess it is just too much to ask to find another gay man.....about my age.....who is romantic.....gentle....compassionate...non-robotic.....but someone who genuinely cares for me?

Does this ever get any better?

It's Monday...

It's the beginning of another brand new week. On top of that, the weather has apparently changed...and so yesterday I turned on the a/c for the season.

I have had a very trying weekend. I had planned to get so much completed before my daughter's return tomorrow night, but gosh, I came down with a very bad case of asthma, bronchitis -- with almost pneumonia in my right lung. To top things off, I had dual ear infections, and sinusitis. The doctor also found that my thyroid meds were not working properly...and I wasn't getting enough of what I needed. So that capped off my really feeling bad.

I spent the entire weekend in bed....and staying quiet. I did manage to get to church yesterday, but by the end of things, I was exhausted by it.

The antibiotic I am on has one sort of negative side effect that I have noticed. It has made me "down". Oh, with all the things I've been through over the past few years....I have gotten sad before. But this is much different....and it feels like the whole bottom of my world has dropped out.

There is no reason for this. I know it is chemically induced because I can't identify anything that has brought me this low. Things are going really well. My daughter returns after two years away, tomorrow evening. She is arriving just in time to help me celebrate my 51st birthday....which is Friday. I have nothing officially planned to celebrate my day....perhaps I will take some of my friends out on Sunday. Certainly I will not do anything on the grand scale that I did last year to celebrate my 50th!

So, I'm looking at having a very busy week. I'm concentrating on feeling better. Today I have off from work and I'm working to get the house cleaned a bit before my daughter arrives.

Life goes on...

My Daughter Is Set to Return From El Salvador

One week from tomorrow my daughter from the Peace Corps will be arriving to have some medical tests run. She has finished her tour of two years. She had originally wanted to stay for a third year, but she was thwarted by some strange medical readings and was sent home to have medical tests run. I am betting that things are not so serious. I am also betting that she will return there for her third year. Then she will be back here for good.

She'll probably be here for 3 weeks. Then return...and hopefully will get to come back home for a month's vacation beginning in June -- in time for her mother's big ordination.

As a result of her mom's and my communication failures from back in February, I am not invited to this big day. This is okay because I was not planning on going anyway. I'm simply at the point where I am done trying to be kind to their mom. Everything I do and have done is misconstrued and viewed ominiously. So, it's time to stop trying.

Lovey finally changed her name back to her maiden name. Something she was adamant about not ever doing because at the time she said she wanted to keep the same name as her children.

When quizzed, she informed them that they wouldn't be keeping their names either going forward when they marry. So to her it is no really big deal.

"It's time for me to show my independence," she says.

Well, I'm not too sure about all that.

It probably wasn't a good time to be writing all this. I'm tired....cranky....and "touchy" tonight.

Ever Feel Like You've Blown It?

Have you ever felt like you've blown it?

I mean, really, really blown it?

It seems to me like I I have felt that way many times in the past few years -- much more than my fair share I think.

This evening I feel like I'm consumed by it. It's a foggy and miserable evening. It's the perfect evening for thinking and pondering.

I'm still haunted by the ghosts of failures long over. There are so many areas in my life where I've let my best intentions get all out of kilter...and in the end I feel stupid for "blowing" it.

It has been a very long day today. So I am tired....and extremely sensitive. When I get this way, I am not very good to be around. So the next few days I am going to just spend some time alone. I'm going to try and figure some things out....try to pick myself up and dust myself off yet one more time.

I think I'm going to be spending a lot of time in prayer and meditation. What does God expect of me....and am I chugging down the right path.

I need to pray that I can get to a place where I can forgive Frank for being human.....for trying to be perfect all the time.......for trying to be spiritual......for caring too much......for worrying a lot more......and for not doing enough.....and most of all for missing the boat when it comes to the dreams and aspirations I had for myself that I screwed up so many, many years ago.

Most of all I long to be understood. People are so quick to judge and get the wrong idea about a whole host of things.

I need rest.

"Keep Those Checks Comin'"

Lovey sent me the long expected email today.

It said:

Frank,
On March 31, 2009, a County judge signed the Order for Change of Name for me. I have re-taken my maiden name. I will not make the complete shift until June, when I know my new address and will be meeting a new congregation. Through June, please continue to make out your support checks to the old name; beginning in July, please use my maiden name. Many thanks. Lovey.

It's good to know that she has her priorities in order.

It was reported through the grapevine that she is doing this to become more "independent."

So, I am VERY amused to know that for all her discussion of independence, she can't get through the month without my monthly "support."

God bless her!