Little Victories

I am on a quest.

My quest is to experience “little” victories for myself. You see, these last few years have been filled with sadness, grief, depression, and darkness.

I’m sick of all this gloom and doom. I’m tired of feeling defeated and like damaged goods.

I’m also quite tired of feeling like leftovers.

There is nothing wrong with me. I am a good person. I am a person of worth. I am kind, gentle and loving.

So why do I keep beating myself up over this silly marital breakup?

Why do I keep conferring second-class status to me because of my gayness?

Why can’t I be happy living alone with Davy, the wonder dog?

Why do I always feel like a deer caught in the headlights of an 18-wheeler?

Where did all my insecurity come from?

Why do I feel like I’m going to screw something up or that something is going to come at me from left field that will put me under?

Where did this fear of me come from?

Is it possible this is just additional fallout from the spousal abuse spoken of by the therapists I talked to?

I had a long discussion with my boss today. I told him that after all the stuff I’ve gone through and been processing for the last few years I needed some “little victories” in various aspects of my life. I told him that I needed it on my job. I told him that I needed to have some concrete goals…something to reach for.

So we brainstormed a bit…and we came up with some stuff that I feel good about.

I long for the old Frank to reappear in all of his glory. That guy that was the risk taker…the one who had tons of self-confidence. He could do anything.

Where did that guy go?