I’m coming down the homestretch for this silly divorce. Instead of relief, I’m feeling a sense of profound…and I do mean….PROFOUND sadness.
An era will close. Fond memories, what few there were, will continue to fade and I will will be left with the bitterness and emptiness left by the things I experienced through the long separation.
I had such high hopes for having an amicable separation/divorce. I thought I could remain a part of Lovey’s family and have a friendship with her. How naïve was that? I mean, in order to have an amicable anything or to remain a part of something, it has to be supported by both sides – not just by one.
I could see the writing on the wall early on in the process when I was accused of taking advantage of Lovey. She was pretty free and vocal about how awful I had been to her. Her description of me and her apparent experiences with me do not match the man that I know as me. I’m not one to take advantage of anyone, but rather I’m a gentle kind sort of guy. The only time I come out swinging is when I’m backed into a corner or I feel threatened.
Neither of which I have felt through this action.
What I have felt in this action in hurt….fear….anxiety……a questioning of my abilities……uncertainty…….insecurity……..distrust…….and aloneness.
The hurt brought about all these other feelings…..and a multitude of others with no names. Even though they are mostly directed at Lovey….there’s spillover into the rest of my life. I find myself viewing friends, lovers, and acquaintances in a new light. – wondering if I can trust them for example, or when are they going to do something to reject me, or when are they going to lash out and hurt me.
I suppose I am scarred by this experience. The wounds have been quite deep…so it will take time for those wounds to heal into scars. Scars that I can wear like medals of courage….of valor……of pure intestinal fortitude.
I need to muster some strength.
I see some darkening clouds out there on the horizon. The wind is increasing and the waves are getting higher. It’s the last storm of this season called separation/divorce. I’m all alone at the beach. I can’t invite anyone to join me here.
I have to survive this one last torrent of wind……of waves……..of fog…….
I just have to.
2 comments:
I have been where you are. the thing about storms, is eventually they subside and the calm returns. My X and I have gone from hate to amicable and back to hate so it is a small part of the process.
BUT I DO KNOW that eventually, the sadness subsides and relief will come.
I have been where you have been, other that the fact that I have yet to come out to my ex.
To me at least the worst part of the divorce was breaking ties not only with my ex, but with her mother as well. (Her father and I NEVER got along and he died a few years ago.) Her mom was always special to me and treated me just as special.
To be honest, I have know idea what my ex told her mother, but as soon as the separation took place, I was persona non grata, and it hurt big time. I wasn't a fool and knew that our relationship would change, but I never imagined a person could cool off that fast. And no, I never abused my ex physically or verbally .
I did later find out through my kids what my ex was spreading around about me, and IMHO it was way too much personal info that was shared. I guess in the long run she didn't want to appear to be the "bad" person in the relationship, although we both did our part to cause it's demise. I also never told my kids "my side" of the breakup since I still firmly believe that what happened was between us.
The funny part was that although I am gay, I could have remained married to her till the end. I never let that part of my life come between us and whatever I did outside of the marriage was never brought into the marriage, if you can understand what I am saying. It was as if I led 2 different lives, which come to think of it I did.
Yes, I did cheat on her, but she NEVER knew and to this day credits me with that. (Although, I know that one day I will tell her the truth, I just am not ready for that ball of wax yet.)
I guess what I am saying is that although I knew I married for the wrong reason, and yes, I did cheat on her, I always loved her (and hated myself).
I was told one time that divorce was worse than losing a partner in death, because there never really is any closure. I have have found those words to be so true.
You will get on however as I am doing (it's been almost 6 years now), it's just that the road at times seems unsurmountable. During those times, remember, that there are others who care about you and they will help lighten your load.
I have however NEVER demeaned her or spoke bad about her to my kids and even defended her, when she didn't bother them for almost a year. Maybe it was out of a sense of guilt or whatever, but I still believe that she is there mother and because of that they should at least respect her. They have since reconciled their differences, which was all that I asked for.
I know that when I do come out, there will be a lot of answering for, but hopefully we will have all reached the point where
Post a Comment