Brokeback Mountain and Me

Yesterday was a record day for "Out of the Ashes." I had 48 visitors to the site and if you're keeping an eye on the meter, we're nearing the 10,000 mark in overall visits. It's very cool to have almost 50 people willing to take a part of their day to sit down and read all the stuff that I have written. It's not all be pretty and it definitely has not been varnished in anyway to be made to look pretty. It is presented "warts and all."

Thank you for your support.

As of this writing, I'm feeling a bit nervous and uncomfortable.

My son is in from Camp LeJeune. He has a history of misbehavior and of screwing up big time. The last time he was in, he came to see #1 to leave for her stint in the Peace Corps 4 months ago. But, he got entangled with his buddies and never quite got here....but wound up in the Fairfax County Jail for an evening for assaulting and disobeying a police officer. This time we have been having a great visit, he and I. Yesterday he was with his girlfriend all day...and I allowed him to use my car. No problems. So then, he and I went to dinner last night and he was invited to some motorcyle raises not far from our house. Once again, I lent him my car. However, this time he didn't come home...and now I can't reach him on the cellphone. I'm a bit uneasy.

So, please...keep me in your thoughts and prayers. A wrecked car is not something I can have right now.

As of the last post, some of you have inquired about Mr. Brokeback. I'll provide some additional information here, but I don't want to tell too much because I want to respect his privacy.

He and I met originally at at Gay Married Men's support group. Some of you have undoubtedly heard of GAMMA. I was goiing through a crisis a decade ago where I was ready to throw in the towel and do myself in. No one then, even up until this day know the hurt, the sadness, the isolation and the loneliness I felt at that time. I figured that if I was going to hell for being gay, then I might as well jump start things a little.

Thankfully, because of a wonderful MCC associate minister, I didn't commit suicide. He helped me to learn to accept my sexuality as God's gift and that not necessarily everything I had been taught about homosexuality was necessarily true. He helped me to realize that God is not going to send a person to torment for loving someone of the same gender. I learned that if I took my time to listen for the still small voice of God and not to the cacaphony of the Crhistian Right, I'd realize that God isn't going to send a person to hell for loving another person....no matter where the body parts fit.

So, I calmed down.

And I breathed.

It felt good.

This all happened while Lovey and the 3 kids were traveling to the midwest to visit her relatives. I had decided not to go because I thought that would be the best time to do away with myself. But instead, God intervened and I started on the road to wholeness.

Upon their return, I announced to Lovey that I was going to start going regularly to GAMMA. (I had gone intermittently in the years before, but Lovey always fought my times going there. She thought the organization was devilish and that if I started going, I might meet someone and leave her. Isn't it funny than in spite of the fact that I met Mr. Brokeback, I never one time contemplated leaving her.....but he made it possible for me to stay. She's the one who left!)

I almost missed the first meeting of GAMMA after Lovey's return. She and I literally had a verbal argument on the phone that was downright hateful. She didn't want me to go but I knew that if I didn't get any support I would die. She yelled and screamed that she had no support. I calmly responded that this was her fault...that I had provided her with many resources and that she didn't see them as important enough to take advantage of. I finally said, I AM going to the meeting tonight.

It was a beautiful summer evening. The meetings were held up near Dupont Circle in DC. So I got up there late due to the argument. I ran into the meeting and it was already in progress. The meeting place was filled to capacity, with about 30-40 men who were all like me. I immediately felt safe. It was a great feeling.

From my seat on the backrow, my eyes fell on the facillitator. He appeared to be about my age, well put together.....a deadringer for a young Burt Reynolds. He had on a pair of shorts, white tennis shoes and socks....and I remember looking at his perfectly sculpted legs...thinking to myself "wow....what a speciment of absolute male beauty." My mind further wandered....and then my esteem issues surfaced. "He'd never be attracted to me....he probably has a little black book the size of the Northern Virginia Yellow Pages. Besides I'm not here for that, I need support."

GAMMA ia a true support group in that you generally sit ina semi circle or in a full circle and each man gets to speak and tell his story. That night we were in a semi circle four rows deep. As I listened to the other men's stories, I was struck by how similar yet different the stories were.

It came my turn.

I spoke of the planned suicide.....of the difficulties with Lovey.........the issues about coming their that night..... I became so full....that I started to weep. I remember the men in front of me turning around and patting me....and saying things like, "We know exactly what you're feeling or how you feel now." I finally passed without finishing my story.

At the end of the meeting, I was swarmed by a number of the men who wanted me to know that they supported me..... They shook my hands warmly and some even hugged me. Shortly afterwards as I was preparing to leave and talking to another man, I felt this strong tap on my shoulder.

I turned and I was looking at that beautiful hunk of manhood.....the facillitator. He said, "I'm Mr. Brokeback and you look like you could use a big hug!" I became tongue tied as only I can do in such situations. Before I could sputter a response, I suddenly found myself locked inside his muscular arms and being cradled at his chest. I felt so weak kneed.

He invited me to drinks at a noted gay bar there where the group normally hung out after meetings. So that night, we spent 3 hours talking......listening.......and the rest is history.

The date was July 11, 1997. He and I always celebrate that date as our anniversary.

I'll continue this post next time.