The Fog Named Sadness

I've had sadness and depression confused.

All during this awful period of time where I was negotiating the path of marital misery, separation and divorce, I kept thinking that I was suffering from situational depression. So, I would tell my doctor this and she would prescribe an antidepressant. It never really did the trick. I guess there aren't pills that can turn sadness into happiness. During those days, I still felt miserable....like I was living in a fog....and, well, you know.

You can read my early posts to see what I was going through during that period.

But this weekend, I came to an epiphany of sorts.

What I've been dealing with all this time is a sense of profoound sadness and loss.

But then the kicker is that in essence I've lost Lovey.......getting her back would not cause the sadness to vanish.

A puzzle!

But then, on Saturday morning, the epiphany came.

When the children were smaller, Lovey was forever going to religious retreats......or to minister's meetings......or going to school..........working on her papers........dealing with a host of ministerial issues. During one summer, she took off several weeks from her job to attend a seminary's "J" term that applied to her receipt of a Master of Divinity Degree.

At those times I not only was the dad, but I was also "Mr. Mom." I worked to always plan some fun activities with the kids. We did everything together. We would have picnics. We'd go to the waterpark. We went to the kids' favorite playground that had an elaborate wooden structure set up that they referred to as the "Castle". We went to movies. We'd watch cartoons. We'd go to the swimming pool.

We were inseparable....the kids and I.

But as the time came for Lovey to return, invariably the kids would say, "Gee, Dad. I wish Mom would stay longer." Or, they would ask excitedly, "When is Mom going away again?" Or, even one time, #2 said "Does Mom have to come back?"

And I had forgotten all this...until this past Saturday.

#2 called me from Nashville to see how I was doing. (I do declare, I feel like a little kid at times because all three of my children keep tabs on me.) I asked her if she remembered those days. "I sure do, Dad!" she said.

And then it hit me.

"#2, I think I know why I have been so sad during this terrible process. It's because I miss the olden days when you guys were so much smaller....and we did lots of fun things. We had so much fun.....and now those days are gone."

"Dad, you stil have all of us....we're just in different parts of the country/world."

"It just isn't the same. You have grown up and I'm here. All alone!"

"Well, Dad. You're just going to have to start visiting all of us more now that the divorce is history."

So, I'm going to start doing just that and do some more trips....to Nashville, to Camp Lejeune, and yes, El Salvador.

It's amazing how all our emotions can all run together. The sadness I have felt isn't related to Lovey at all....but to the fact that I'm truly an empty nester. My babies are all grown up.

I've survived gayness......coming out to my kids.....a wife who wasn't really focused on being a wife or mother.....a wife who gleefully outted me to everyone she could get to listen to her.......a group of snooty inlaws.......a cold and prickly father-in-law .....a church that dropped me........a painful separation......a brutal divorce......and the fact that my kids have grown up and left town.

But, I'm still here....putting one foot ahead of the other....continuing on my journey.

It's really time.

The sadness has gotta go.