One Year Ago Today...

One year ago today, Lovey took all of her "stuff" (followed by later installments) and her cat, to the beautiful Shenandoah Valley and began her new life as the pastor of two United Methodist congregations.

I remember very well the pain and the absolute fear that paralyzed me at the prospect of her leaving. Looking back on all that the feelings were very real, but I don't understand them.

I've had many conversations with a whole lot of men who are married and int he closet. One man I know is contemplating marriage, even though he knows that he can't change, but he's afraid to not give it a try. (In his shoes, I'd be afraid to even think about marrying a woman!)

So what is the fear?

Is it the fear of the unknown?

The untested?

The fear of living a gay life?

In contemplating Lovey's departure, I was afraid of change. I had grown comfortable having a wife that I loved with all my heart (just not with my body). I had my house, my kids, my pets -- everything I could possibly want and in one quick word, it was history. Lovey would be moving.

It hurt.

The pain was indescribable.

I wanted to die.

I couldn't stand the thought of standing and watching the moving truck come and cart her and her stuff away...never to return.

Thankfully, Mr. Brokeback came to my rescue and took me to New Mexico for a few days of R/R. But, oh how I dreaded walking into that house the first time.

It was akin to having a loved one die and you show up at the funeral home for the viewing. You park the car and you look at the entrance to the funeral home. You simply dread what you have to do. There is no way around it. You HAVE got to do it! You walk into that place and you make your way to that open box. You look inside. Pay your respects.

Then leave.

In my case, I walked around the empty house. Mr. Brokeback and #1 were there to offer words of comfort. But I didn't hear any of it. All I could see was the empty house. That house, where once rang children's voices and the laughter of what I thought was a happy family...empty...quiet.

That period of my life has got to be the worst time of my life.

But that was then.

In looking back at that awful time I guess I was most fearful of the unknown. Given how Lovey had changed so drastically since the separation, each new day brought new drama, potential outbursts and profound sadness.

I had no signed separation agreement.

The divorce was not final.

So much was left hanging.

I was so unsure of myself and I guess that to some degree, I'm still unsure of my own abilities and strengths.

Here I am.

Still standing.

After all I've been through.

So I've set some goals for myself: I want to get healthier physically. The diabetes has got to get under better control. This is now my time to concentrate on ME.

I'm working to pay down my bills. The divorce took its toll on me financially. Not only do I have to pay alimony, but I have had thousands of dollars in attorney fees, replace furniture, take care of the house, build the deck and the fence, etc. Will I ever dig my way out?

Finally, I'm keeping my eyes open for a potential life partner. Oh, Mr. Brokeback is the one I love more than I can say, but it probably ain't gonna happen with him, given his responsibilities and family commitments. He also just found out that he is going to be a grandfather! So that's good for several more links in the chains that keep him. I must be realistic.

I'm also working to add some more fun into my life. I plan on doing some more travel. (I'm leaving for Nashville tomorrow night for the weekend to visit #2.)

So, life is looking up...at least for now.

Sometimes though it is so hard to get used to the fact that I'm all alone in the house with the dog. I call the shots now.

But, I've come so very far from where I was one year ago today...