Friday Morning

Something has happened to Frank.

There has been a change.

I didn't see it coming....or feel it when it happened. It's just that I woke up this morning and most definitely there is change.

What is it you may ask?

I suppose it's a change of attitude....is that a mindset?

I think what's happened is that I've finally forgiven myself for the demise of my marriage.

You see, one of those core values that defined me as a person said that once you marry, it's forever. When you divorce it is failure.

I had ownership of the divorce.

I had been totally consumed by the if onlys.

If only I hadn't been gay.

If only I had tried harder.

If only I had been a better husband.

If only I had paid closer attention to Lovey.

If only I had tried to make Lovey happier.

If only I had made more money.

If only I had not been so fixated on my needs and wants.

If only I had sacrificed more.

If only I hadn't gotten the dog.

If only I hadn't put wooden spoons into the dishwasher.

If only I hadn't left the toilet seat up.

If only I hadn't acted on my gay tendencies.

If only I......I........I......I.......I.

This gets to be quite unhealthy after a while.

So, it's time to forgive myself. I'm human. Trying to be perfect and god like isn't healthy and it puts you under a whole lot of stress that just doesn't have to be there.

I'm a gay man with distinct needs. I did the best I could with the knowledge and drives that I had at the time. Hindsight is always perfect, but there is no going back.

And I've forgiven myself.....

I've really forgiven myself....

I'm beginning to like me again.

I wonder if the new medications have helped here. Perhaps chemical imbalances have caused the psychological issues I've faced.

My whole attitude has changed. My energy levels are at an all time high.

I feel like me...from many years ago. The positive and forward thinking me from years ago.

Yes, this is getting to be kind of interesting now.

My attitude is definitely adjusting.