What I've Learned About Me

I had the opportunity to spend some quality time with an older man today. He is roughly 11 years older than me. He has been in an open relationship with his partner for 40 years. They have, what for them, has worked seamlessly. His partner has his life in Palm Springs. My friend has his life here in Washington, DC. They visit each other periodically. Play with others as they see fit -- not together.

In his day, although now he is a very attractive older man, he had porn star looks. So did his partner. When I looked at their pictures from then, it struck me how closely both resembled the late porn star, Al Parker. I think in the 1970s, most gay men tried to look like him. The chiseled good looks, the mustache, the flannel shirts.  Sometimes he appeared with a full beard as well.  (See photo at left.)

My friend asked me how things were going.  He knows that I have been struggling with the whole issue of relationships.  He knows that I have had issues a bit with my self esteem and my self confidence.  He also knows that I have been wondering a lot about whether I am relationship material and my "track record" with relationships.

Over breakfast at his place today before I went to the office -- he lives not far from my building -- he did his best to make me feel better.   He talked about how difficult it was back in the 70s to be gay.  He said that he is thankful to be living at this time.  To see gay marriage become an honest alternative.  How being gay is not much of big deal.

He then saddled up next to me.

Oh, I wasn't being a Sad Sack.  I had kept the conversation upbeat.   So I wasn't fishing for comfort or compliments.

But deep inside me...when he got as close to me as he possibly could....and wrapped those big muscular arms around me...and told me to rest my head on his chest.  Well,  unless you have been where I currently am....where any sort of physical affection is like an Oasis somewhere in the middle of the Sahara.   I was a bit like a very dry sponge.

It felt so good to hear his words of encouragement and to experience that physical touch.   I felt alive in ways that I can't describe.

As I left his place just before 9:00 am this morning, I realized that when my time comes, I"m going to have an awesome love life.  I'm pretty settled with myself.  My friend says that I should not feel 2nd class in any way.  He even thinks I'm hot!  LOL.

So I just need to be myself.  To enjoy life.  To be thankful for all the blessings that have been heaped upon me.

My time will come he says.

I just need to be patient.

I believe that!

Later on this morning I was further affirmed by another friend who called to ask if we might catch up over dinner and a play this weekend.  I accepted.

So my life is chugging right along.

Time to Refocus

I've just emerged from one of those periods where I have been fixated on finding a relationship.  I've done a lot of deep introspection.  I don't understand why I have such a hunger to be hooked to someone else.

Two men have emerged as people I have developed strong feelings for.  But it's selfish.  It's all in my head.  I don't have any confirmation that these guys really have any interest in me

Why do I feel so incomplete because I'm alone?  Perhaps its because I am an only child and so used to being told how much I'm loved.  How much I'm cared for.  Hearing from my parents and them telling me how much I mean to them.

Sadly, as I look back on my marital life I can honestly say that I can't remember feeling "loved."  I never felt special.  I never felt as though I mattered.  Perhaps I am cynical this evening, but I really feel like a pile of frozen leftovers.  I honestly feel a bit cold.  Very cynical.  When I think of Lovey, I only feel like leftovers...or Daddy Warbucks.

Over our 26 years I footed her bills. I never felt like I was loved.    Eight significant deaths occurred in my family -- all affiliated with my parents.  Not once did she write a card or to make a telephone call or to try and offer prayers with them.  And she was a minister.

When it comes to my gay life...oh there are guys who want to jump my bones and take me to bed.  Or they send me messages on the dating sites that are quite graphic.  They speak of candlelight and roses.  But the cynicism I feel about such things has made me doubt the sincerity of it all.

I am frustrated with myself.

I'm always the one to develop crushes.....I'm the one who is willing to tell the objects of my affection my true feelings, only to get a thousand reasons for not having those feelings returned in kind.

So, for now, I am just best relying on me.  Enjoying my alone time.  Try and stop thinking of ways to meet men or to develop friendships and do whatever to try and gain attention of someone.

I just need to relax.  Be me.

If someone is indeed interested in me, they need to let me know for a change.

A good thing about the crushes I have had show that I am alive.  I am able to have very strong and very deep feelings.  I know what that's like.  I love the invigoration.  I love the racing heart beat.  The spring in my step.

The smile on my face.

Aw, when it happens.

It's gonna be something.

But, I need to just be content with me.

Back Home...Late

It has been such a very busy day.

I'm exhausted.

I had a long day at my office. Then left and immediately went to an important church meeting.

I'm finally home.

No words of wisdom. No divine revelations.

Just tired...and a bit blue.

All this stuff that Mom O'Lovey is going through with cancer. For the past three weeks, I have dreamed nonstop of my parents.

I miss them so...

Does this ever get better? The feeling of loss.... The feelings of WHAM! Slap from left field?

Interesting Telephone Conversation

I have made a lot of friends overtime online.

It helps to have something in common. The gay thing tends to really bond men together.

For the past few momths I've been communicating with a brit. He has sent me pictures along the way and he appears to be drop dead gorgeous.

He comes to the states fairly frequently and has expressed the desire to meet me in person. So, I suppose I am open to this.

What can it hurt?

He emailed me on Friday to say he was arriving in Boston tonight for two nights. He wanted to know if he could have my telephone number for us to chat.

I said sure...and gave him my cell phone number.

He called. We spent almost one hour chatting.

The man has a way with words. The british accent is surely a turn on for me.

He really wants to meet soon.

My heart raced at all the things he said.

He seems like he has literally leaped from my dreams into shoe leather. He said stuff that only I have shared with you all in terms of the man I am looking for. The things he likes....the things he wants......the things he doesn't like.....

I am touched.

But as I have said in previous posts, it doesn't take a lot to sweep me off my feet. The two men that I know here....that I dream of....are in this league as well. But, they have not made any moves toward me.

All it takes is an imagination....a dash of romance.....deep affection....and a willingness to put me first for a change...and I can be had.

Sad but true!

Just Overall Weirdness....

I am not sure how to begin this post.  Today there is so much on my mind.  I suppose I will just begin to write and hopefully my thoughts will unfurl as they move from mind to the printed page on the Internet.

Ever since Mom O'Lovey has been diagnosed with lung cancer, I have been greatly troubled.  It just does not seem to be fair for me.  My goodness she has spent the majority of her 82 years on the planet trying to eat healthy, watch her carbs, and get as much excercise as possible -- from swimming....to aerobics.....to walking.....to tennis.

And now this.

She never smoked.

And now this.

And since I have spent so much time thinking about her, I've not been sleeping well at night.  I keep dreaming about my parents.  For some reason lakes or ponds and swans all are a part of these dreams.

I awaken all shook up.  Unsetttled.  Bothered.

I guess the fact that Mom O'Lovey struggling with lung cancer and all her scans and tests and chemo and radiation have dredged up all kinds of buried feelings and thoughts that I was just now beginning to move from.

And so I dream.

Bummer.

On top of this, I find myself pondering my love life, or lack there of.  The two men in my life currently that I am indeed so interested in are not available.  It would not be a good thing for me to jump up and say..."Hey!  I want to date you!"

I don't think either are available emotionally or physically.  Even though either one of these gentlemen could probably use a good romp in the hay.  I just don't feel right about raising my hand and volunteering for the mission.

The friendships I have with these men is indeed important to me.  I genuinely care for both of them.  (I have to be careful about what I write here, because they both know about this blog...and I would hate for them to read about themselves here.)

One of these men is many years younger than me.  The other is significantly older than me.  They both affect me in different ways.

My love for them could be tipped in either direction.

All the younger would have to do is to express interest.  The same is true for the older.

Given each's unique situation, I am in no hurry to get them to commit to me.  I am patient and willing to wait.  But my goodness, it would mean so much to me to be able to reach over and hold either man's hand.  Or to rest my ead upon his shoulder. Or to curl up on a sofa somewhere and just snuggle.

It's not a matter of jumping either man's bones.  Or wanting to get naked with them.

I guess if the truth be told, I am indeed in love.

This all reminds me of how it felt when I first met Zach.  The butterflies...the racing heart rate......the trembling hands.

Then I read I Corinthians 13 about what true love is and what true love is not.

Oh, I'm here.

I guess I am drawn more to one than to the other.  Even to the point of feeling guilty when I have sex with someone else.  It feels like cheating.

Now keep in mind, I've not been intimate with either of my guys.

We've not had the big discussion about monogamy and what that means for "us."

In my head though it feels like I am committed.  Being with anyone else just seems wrong.

But gosh.  I don't even know where I officially stand with these men.

Its frustrating.

I want to get down to business.  I want to help them through their time of sadness and difficulties.

But I am paralyzed by fear.

By fear of rejection.

By fear of failure.

By fear in general.

What do I do to get over this?

Do I throw all caution to the wind and level with these men?  Get the hurt and rejection over with.

What do I do?

Amour

Went to the movies today with a friend.

It was a foreign film entitled "Amour" with Jean-Louis Tringtinant from France. He was that hunk of manhood from the old 1960s film "A Man and A Woman."

Trust me, the years have not been that good to him.

I digress.

The movie centered on an elderly couple. The woman has a stroke. She continually gets worse. It shows how much time he spends with her and his loving care for her.

Have you ever been to one of those films where you just don't understand it.

Well, that's me on this one.

If you've seen it and understand it, feel free to comment on it. Supposedly it is expected to win for Best Picture this year, outshining Lincoln.

ICK!

Layers of an Onion

I've been accused of thinking to much == over analyzing.

Perhaps this is true. However, I find that as I journey through life, who better to ponder stuff with than me -- the guy that I am stuck with, who has sort of become my best friend. After all, I am always there for me. Even when others are gone.

So living this life and being out....and dealing with all things gay, it only makes sense for me to spend a degree of time trying to sort out why I feel the way I do about things.

The gay life, at least for me, seems to ebb and to flow. Sometimes I fixate on the topic of love and loneliness -- as I have for the past couple of weeks. At other times it moves to the backburner of my life while other issues move front and center.

It's sort of like watching the ocean at the beach. Some waves manage to get higher on the beach than others. Each wave is unique. Each has its own strength and affects its surrounding accordingly.

Today I am pondering the residual effects of wanting love.

I've glossed all over the intricacies of having a close partner. I've forgotten all the sleepless nights that Lovey inflicted upon when she was a close partner. Drama, drama and more drama with her.

But I wonder had I been straight...would that have been different.

Now that I am gay...would it all be different with a male partner.

As you can see, I have thought long and hard about all this.

Still, as I wonder through life I have concluded that I will have issues to deal with when that man does arrive on the scene.

Basee on my marriage ending, and that long term think I had with the other married guy (ZACH), I feel a bit protective of my heart. I don't want to open it up to someone so freely, only to have it torn asunder and ripped to shreds.

So my guy will have to be patient with me in the area of trust.

Oh, I can love. I can totally let go and enjoy all that it brings.

But I'm afraid.

I've discovered that I am truly afraid.

For all that I hope for...and all the crushes I have had, I am afraid of what might happen if one of these crushes turns to me and says "I've got a crush on you too...let's go for it and see what happens!"

This was illustrated a few days ago.

There is a man that I currently know that I have very deep feelings for. He does not know. Aw...he might have a clue. But, he doesn't really know the depth of them.

I spent some time with him...and as we visited, I couldn't help but notice his hands......his eyes........his body.....the way he moves..... Gosh, like a girl I sat there wondering what it would be like to hold his hands. To cup his cheeks and plant a little kiss on his beautiful lips. How I wanted to just wrap my arms around him and to let him know that there is a guy in his life that cares for him deeply.

As we parted company, we ended our visit with a big bearhug....and a brief kiss.

Parts of me rumbled to life. My heart raced.

Wet spots appeared in my slacks -- what a mess!

But as I walked away, the apparition of fear hit me.

In the midst of this pleasant experience....of feeling like this man is so right.....and how I could just be so happy with this man....

The fear erupted. Can I truly trust him? Would this be a relationship that I could handle? Can he trust me?

In my heart, I know that I have done a lot of things that the gay world considers normal. I've had more sex partners than the average person. I've tried different things -- more than the average person.

So, would this man forgive? Could I forgive him?

Monogamy....I say I want it. But in the gay world....could I real do it? I mean I have allowed the sex genie to escape from her bottle. Gay men have sex because its fun...and a lot will tell you that it cements friendships.

But really.

What kind of partner/husband would I make?

My psyche is a lot like an onion.....layers....upon layers....upon layers.

The Bad News

Came home early from the office. I had a problem with the old sinuses...but when I got home, I got a telephone call from Lovey.

Her mother got the results back from her PETSCAN from yesterday. The cancer has metastasized and is in her collarbone and a femur (leg). She begins radiation next week...and followed by chemo.

So it brings back a lot of bad memories for me about my own parents.

It makes me realize just how fragile life is and how things can come from left field. Sort of makes my other gay issues pale in comparison.

Interesting People Who Cross My Path

I am always amazed at how many different kinds of people cross my path.  I am just trying to be myself.  Not worry about the dating thing.  Even though there are two men that I have humongous crushes on.  Either of these guys could be the one -- but each has their own set of baggage that prevents them from seeing me in any way of romantic entanglement.

Tonight I have received texts from both.  

So, I am glowing right now.  

Today one of them kissed me even!

WOW!

I also received an email from someone that was captivated by one of my online profiles.  Only problem with him is that he does not know that I keep lists of folks who I have communicated with and who have treated me badly.

He was one of those.

Guess I am not going to pursue that one.

I've found out that a number of the men with whom I have dealings with at my office are gay.

It's just amazing how folks are coming out....right and left.

Sam Champion, the GMA Weatherman recently married his boyfriend.  Jim Nabors just announced that he married his longtime boyfriend recently.

Yes, times are changing.

Perhaps a good guy  will cross my path too.

The Unattainable

What do you do if you find someone that you believe is the perfect match for you....and that you are confident that you are the perfect match for him? AND..from the outset...it all seems so unattainable?

He lights up the room when I see him. He just doesn't know it.

He makes my heart skip a beat. He just doesn't know it.

He means the world to me -- even the universe. He just doesn't know it.

After we have been together, my entire day is brighter. He just doesn't know it.

I have sort of an interesting way of measuring my feelings for people. In the realm of love and relationships, I look at how I'm feeling about someone....and weigh it against I Corinthians 13.

No, I'm not getting all preachy.

But as a man of faith, I weigh things like this to make sure it's not just falling in lust with someone.

Aw...this is so much deeper than that.

Not interested in jumping his bones just for the sake of doing that.

The situation is not perfect. Some storms have the waters all churned up.

But I want to be there for him and only him. I want to be his rock. I want to be his lighthouse. Whenever...

Thinking long term potential here. Not fly by night.

Thinking how much fun it would be to just wrap my arms around him forever and do what I can to brighten his life or let him know just how special he is. Or how contented I could be just curled up somewhere with my head on his chest.

He doesn't have to do one thing to maintain these feelings in me. He doesn't have to do anything special. He doesn't have to earn a boatload of cash. He can be the biggest failure in the world.

All he has to do is to live and draw his breaths.

Aw....he just doesn't know it...

Frank Goes On Another Date

OMG....I was invited on a date last night at a nearby restaurant.

He and I had been corresponding for quite a while and finally, last night, our schedules meshed.

"Would you be free to meet me at 'such and such' for drinks around 6:00pm?"

I said okay....and off I went.

To meet the mystery man who had been married. He has adult kids. He has an elderly mother. He has two dogs and a beach house on the shore.

This man said he was one year younger than me. He said he worked out. He said all kinds of things.

But when we finally met, I immediately got bad vibes. It wasn't a good fit. There were no good feelings. He came across as whiny. He looked older than he said. He was shorter than he said. His clothes made him look like a totally elderly guy.

So I ordered a full meal. I'm diabetic and I'm hungry and I don't drink. He ordered wine. He finished his wine....and he had to leave and cook his supper. He cooks all his meals....EVERY NIGHT he said. Tonight's meal was fresh salmon. So he was going to do that.

I smiled. Told him to call me. Thanked him for meeting me.

I wanted so badly to say, "Be Gone!" But I was nice. I continued my dinner.

Not going to hold my breath for his returned call.

Miscellaneous Thoughts

I'm a member of a number of online discussion groups. All of them concern being gay and male....and yes...gay and married. Over the years I have made a host friends who are married and dealing with the issue. Some are out to their wives. Some are not. They make these decisions based on their own reasons. I am in no position to criticize or advise them of the best way they should handle their journey.

It's just all so very interesting.

It's diverse.

Even though they have a lot in common with me...in terms of being gay. The approach they choose is as vast as the stars in the heavens.

Today a couple of discussions caught my eye.

One in particular advised the men to never trust a single gay man. "Only consort with married gay men." The thinking surrounding this pronouncement is that you only deal with those men who have as much to lose as you do.

HOGWASH I say.

There is nothing magical for one married man to only deal with other married men. Married guys can be broken vessels just like anyone else. They can be psychos. They can out you just as well as anyone else.

They can black mail.

I decided to comment on this post and say all of the above.

My one question to the group was "What's wrong with getting to know someone first before dropping trou? I find that dropping trou is so much better when there is a knowledge and comfort and yes, some emotion behind it...and if you are doing it out of a relationship....whether it be casual friendship...or something deeper."

Well, my comments have not generate much discussion. So, I wait and see.

The second conversation topic that caught my eye today was whether men kiss.

It has always fascinated me that there are some men who refuse to kiss. It's too intimate they say. This is after, of course, they have licked your spleen and your more southern regions.

Why is that?

To me, kissing is a deal breaker. If a guy won't kiss you during the act...why bother. I want to feel that connection...and frankly, kissing is like completing a circuit within me. It gets me going in ways that I can't explain.

There is a right way and a wrong way to kiss old Frank here.

During my experiementation phase after Lovey ditched me, I explored all male sex parties. I always played safe and to be honest, I really enjoyed watching more than participating.

One day in particular, I was lying on a vacant bed enjoying all the activity surrounding me. Men of all shapes and sizes were paired off and enjoying each other. I noticed that there was a lot of mechanical sex happening. This is the kind of stuff that happens when two men are in lust with each other and it is primarily about getting to orgasm. Once its over, they wipe off...go shower....get dressed and leave. Basically without a word.

Still others click in a magical way. I've seen some great relationships/love stories begin at these gatherings. It's amazing. As far as these guys are concerned, they are the only two in attendance. They only have eyes for each other and that's the only people they are there for.

Then there are those who are just willing to pile on....or drop to their knees....or physically connect with someone just to stick themselves into a warm and inviting orifice--just to get off.

This one particular day, I was a mere observer. All of a sudden, one of the latter -- a very tiny asian guy decided to actually hop on me to take me for a spin. No inquiry...not attempt to see if I were interested. In his mind I would be the perfect person to get him off.

He also assumed wrongly that I would be turned on if he were to begin kissing me in a way that Lassie might introduce herself -- with a wet tongue licking my face...my cheeks......my ears......my chest......my underarms.

EWWWWWWWW.

I politely told him that I was "resting" and needed a break. He finally took the hint and attacked some other poor soul.

I was totally grossed out.

At the same party, another man gingerly approached me. He was a few years my junior...and he asked if he could sit on the loveseat with me. He was a cute man....and so my type. I was totally captivated and immesnely touched that he reached over and stroke my hand. Very sweetly....and gently. He then began to gently rub my shoulders....touch my face..... Then he leaned in and kissed me. Warmly....gently.....closed mouth..... He certainly knew what he was doing. As our passions began to rise.....he held me close......the kissing became more intense......and as this happened.....mouths opened in unison....and tongues joined.

It was so intense. So warm. So passionate.

For those few moments, I felt as if I were the only man in the world....and for that few moments I was the center of this man's universe.

As the session continued....we progressed to other stuff that men can do for each other (no need to describe all the gory details)....but suffice it to say that he and I both reached total climaxes in relatively short order.

Instead of him wiping off....jumping up....and leaving....he continued to hold me....to kiss me tenderly....and I eagerly returned the favor. I could have been there entangled with him for hours...but alas he had to leave....and he was married with kids.

Bummer.

But that taught me something. There is something wonderful about taking one's time....and allowing feelings to grow. Allowing passions to rise.

I can't help but long for someone such as this for a partner....or as a bf.....or as a potential mate.

If I could find someone of this calibre, you would see one happy FRANK.

FRANK would be intensely happy. That man, whoever he is, would be on cloud 9.

I am not saying that sex is the only thing I am basing things on. But I'm saying that having those needs fulfilled by one man....who is comfortable with himself....who can let go and not be afraid to express passion and deep affection for another man is well on his way to become my dream guy.

WOW!

Sleeping Alone

So, I'm tired of sleeping alone.  It would be really good to finally settle down and have someone that  would be content with me, and only me and feel like I really matter to someone.

But the going is slow, and I'm not sure why this is the case.

Let me give you some background.

Back in my straight days I NEVER dated.  The gay thing had me petrified of the opposite sex.  The mating dance totally intimidated me -- big time.  This was because of my being gay and I knew that whatever I did with a woman, I would fail.

So, the only woman I ever dated was the woman now known here only as "Lovey."

We all know how that all played out.

Fast forward to the current day.  I have been looking for ages for a good partner.  I've gone on a number of blind dates.  I've met some wonderful men.  We seem to get along.  We talk about all kinds of things.  We've gone to movies.  We've had romantic dinners.

BUT ... something always happens

They never call back.

Or they disappear into the ether of the Internet.

So, I just wish I could find someone sincere who  is not always on the lookout for the next best thing.  Someone who would be content with a regular guy.  A sincere guy.  A guy who has much to offer and who has a lot of love to give.

A guy who is tired of sleeping alone.

Elected!

What a day!  I just got home from church and lunch with a wonderful lesbian couple I know.  It has been totally eventful.

We have been without a full time senior pastor for almost 18 months.  We currently have a great interim pastor.

Today I was elected to the Pastor Search Committee.  Since we are  a primarily lesbian congregation, I am quite amazed that out of seven individuals, I was one of two men put onto the committee.  So, the real work begins and we hope to have a new senior pastor by the first of June.

Ambitious, huh?

So, one more task that I have to do.

Older, but BETTER?

See the guy to my left?  He is the kind of guy that I hope that I can grow into.  He seems confident.  He is well dressed.  He appears relaxed.  He's drinking his coffee and reading his IPAD on his balcony.

Aw...I could probably create his entire backstory jut by looking at him. 

As I have said on a number of occasions, I have cast my net quite broadly.  I've been brutally honest in the type of person I seek. 

I've also indicated that I am a mature man. Haven't really thought about it too hard, bu tgosh....I turn 55 in just a few months.

Today on one of those apps, a young twenty something sent me a message to say how hot he thought I was.  Now, keep in mind you all that this is just based on a picture of me with a coat and tie.  Nothing spectacular, but it's a good rendering of what I am all about.  I'm pretty comfy with just me.and how I am looking these days.

Then he told me I looked like a TV star.

He couldn't remember the name.

I was curious.  I've never been told that I look like anyone famous.

Finally he wrote me back, "I know who you look like!  You look like the old guy that Emmett was with in QUEER AS FOLK!"  (The Actor, Bruce Gray, to my right)

Well gosh....that made me wilt like a dead chicken.  Well not really, Bruce is a great looking guy. 

But isn't he the one that died in the airplane bathroom after he and Emmett had a romantic rendezvous on a transatlantic flight to join the mile-high club?

Well I will be 55 soon.  So, I'm not the pretty young thing I once was.

But, really, I do like how I'm turning out in middle age and at the beginning of my old age!  So I guess I am on my way to looking distinguisehed, happy confident and secure.

No offense taken!

Mindless and Mechanical Sex

I am just so sick of my whining....and my overall frustration at not having someone in my life.  I am so sick of me.

So here is the thing that is so maddening.

Why is it that men will spend forever whining about their bad experiences in the land of gay.....and yet still wallow in the same old ways.

Let me explain.

A man that I went to visit -- to actually meet for the very first time on Monday, whined about the lack of love in his life.

He went on and on and on and on about it. 

He spoke of his former partner....boyfriend....whatever you want to call it....and how that they had barebacked the last time he saw him and how he picked up prostatiis from bacteria from his bf!

Then as we chatted, he was bombarded by 10 or so instant messages from people hitting on him on GROWLR.

Then he talked about his getting drunk and waking up with people in his bed.  How he couldn't remember their names....and how sometimes he is thankful that there are no people in his bed after a night of heavy drinking.

Then how he meets people and how they disappear into the ether.

He then talked about the innagural ball he was attending that night and how he hoped he didn't get so sloshed that he couldn't walk to the metro. 

Spent two hours with him...and decided I needed to leave.

NOPE!  There was not any intimacy....even though he was hunky and former military.

After all that, I don't want to pursue him.  He kind of turned me off.

Today I received a text saying how much he enjoyed meeting me.  I told him that I ennjoyed meeting him too.  But most definitely not headed any place.

Upon reflection, I hope I don't come across like him.  I gave my undivided attention to him.  I turned off the cellphone.  He did turn down his television.    I have to give credit where credit is due.

I answered all his questions.  He answered all mine when he wasn't blabbing on and on and on and pausing to answer texts from men who "wanted him."...

But when I left, I pondered him....and compared him with me.  I now know how I don't want to come across.   Yes, he was quite doable....and I could have just had mindless and mechanical sex with him.  I could have left with my carnal needs satiated....

BUT

As I grow further into deep middle age, I am totally turned off by this kind of sex.

I want something meaningful and lasting.

Not a fast hookup.

Not just a secretion of bodily fluids all over.

But someone who will be there for the longhaul....and even be there when the fluids stop being secreted and the moaning stops.

WHERE ARE THE MEN LIKE THIS IN THE DC AREA?

The Blues.....

Back at work and I have a case of the blues.  It did not help that last night I dreamed of my parents and the house they once lived in...we all lived in...

I miss them so very much.

It just feels so weird to not have them them around. 

At times I feel so strong and so self confident.  Today I just feel alone and needy.  I feel even vulnerable. 

I don't like feeling this way.  But there it is.  Hanging out here for the world to see and to read about. 

I feel so gosh darn fragile.  I don't like feeling this way.  I really must work to shoreup these feelings.  Get my act together and enjoy the life I have. 

I have many blessings to ponder.  God has been great to me.  After all, I could never have survived the massive breakup of my marriage, the kids leaving the nest, the terminal illnesses of my parents, their subsequent deaths, probate, estate liquidation, house renovations, etc. without that presence in my life.

Based on the previous posts, I am gay....and I hunger for a relationship.  Where this hunger comes from, I don't know.  But I feel as though a parrt of me is missing.  I have a hole there that is beyond description.  At times, like now, I am aching for a presence.  I guess it scares me because as I said previously, I don't want to appear to be needy and I don't want to fall for the first thing that shows the least bit of interest.

I have a secret list of qualifications that I am looking for.  I created it to just put out there in the universe what I long for -- up close and personal.
\
I feel like a bloomin' onion....layers and layers and layers of stuff to deal with. 

It never ends. 

Have You Noticed.....?

I have been writing here a lot more in the past few days. I guess this is because that I feel a tad guilty at neglecting you all for months at a time. So, I am striving to really keep you apprised of what I am experiencing...or at least thinking about.

The gay issue is not ever very far away from my mind.

For example, today I actually got to spend some time with a man that I have been corresponding with for several months. It was frustrating to me because although he said that was looking for something more than a hookup...he veered off into a discussion about how he has been used only for sex. He then told me about all his conquests....and then shared pictures of his conquests.....and suggestive pictures of himself.

Once again, I found myself totally turned off.

He was attractive....I could have really been into him...but he would not shut up....and with his discussion of prior conquests in all its gory detail, I'm just turned off.

Another nice guy contacted me as a result of one of my personal ads online....he and I have traded emails. We've traded face pics...we've talked and shared. He sound like a good man. He has been married and has adult kids like me. Planning to meet him this week, but I am not getting my hopes up.

Perhaps it is self defeating....or I am just fulfilling self made prophecies.

So, I am at a loss.

What do I do to meet a good guy?

I do not want to be desperate or to just fall for the first man who shows interest.

So, I just have to take my time....keep my standards and move forward.

It would be so helpful if I had a lot of dating experience. I don't have it. So I don't know what the rules are....I have no way of knowing if I'm committing relationship faux pas.

Gay men can be cruel. The rules appear out of no where generally after you have committed the sin. Gay men are not forgiving.

Then what do I do when I meet someone that I have attraction to? Do I continue to be the one who takes the risk and lay my cards on the proverbial table...or do I hope that he will make the first move.

I know several men who are in this category. All it would take is if they were to suggest that we try something....

I will let you know if something develops....

President Obama

Today was certainly an eventful day for us gay folks.

The President spoke of Stonewall and of marriage and the like. I nearly fell out of my chair. I had to explain to my daughter just exactly what Stonewall was, and why it had such significance for me.

So, liberals like myself loved the speech....and the conservatives will hate it.

Oh my!

None of this changes the fact that I am still here and that I am still gay....

It is amazing to see just how far this issue has progressed through the years. It used to be considered so disgusting...AWFUL....WRONG....but at least here in the Washington, DC area, it is no big deal.

I just went to the grocery store. A gay couple checked out ahead of me. No one batted an eye.

I had dinner at a Chinese Restaurant close to my home and they were all glued to the television watching the parade. As I looked on, a gay and lesbian marching band went by...and the TV commentators mentioned their names.....zoomed in on the banner they were carrying. I watched some of the working class men standing in line.....and expected some snide comments....but it was just business as usual. Nothing bad happened.

WOW!

So, we are realizing I believe that gay people are just like everyone else. We are entitled to be happy just like everyone else. We're not child molesters, perverts...and we're not sending the country to hell....blah....blah...blah.

God has also not sent down fire and brimstone to all the states sanctioning gay marriage either.

In fact, Western Civilization as we know it continues to operate and has not missed a beat.

So, I hope the Bible thumpers will just take a powder...and calm down.....and learn tolerance.

It's time.

I Won't Give Up

This song pretty much sums up my feelings for that special man. Wherever he is...

Church Today

I was in a much better frame of mind today. THANK GOD! It's always good to enjoy church surrounded by your friends. Last week's funk was gone....but I got little twinges of sadness today.

When I got there....my former bf was there (he's coming to church a lot more frequently now that he has a new bf I see). He was seated next to his new man of the hour....and I thought about turning around and going home. It truly pains me. Never thought I would feel that way about a long dead relationship. But it truly hurts. I guess because I remember how he used to sit close to me in church....have his arm around me like he was this morning. Holding close....etc....etc.

Those were good days.

So I found a seat behind two of my best lesbian friends ever. They blocked my view of him and him.

It helped greatly.

I am what is referred to as a communion minister at church. This means that after people have dipped their wafer into the cup of grape juice, they come to us for special prayers and blessings. Today I was asked to serve and I never turn it down.

So there I was at the front of the church. I prayed with a multitude of people....and near the end...who is standing before me for prayer and blessing? YUP...my ex-bf and his bf.

I couldn't run.

I couldn't hide.

Although I was tempted to do both.

So, what did I do?

I opened my arms broadly.......and welcomed them both with a broad smile. I suppose I'm a candidate for a really big gold star when I get to heaven! LOL!

Seriously, it hurt.....and whatever the hurt was....be it pride...or something else, I sucked it all up and prayed for them singly...and as a couple...that God would direct their path. My ex-bf had his head nestled on my right shoulder.....and the bf was at my left shoulder....a little more of a reserved distance between us. When the AMEN was said, I received pecks on the cheek from both.

I made it through!

Shocked...

One of my friends came up to me afterward to say that my grace was showing and it was incredible. The friend did not think that they would have been so graceful at such a moment.

I guess God knows what He is doing...

I certainly don't know.

I Want...

I ran across this on a site for gay men. I've made some editorial changes to remove some of the more graphic passages, but it pretty much sums up what I hunger for...here as I grow older. I turn 55 this year. Will I find this....really?



I WANT

I want to feel a man touch me again, to hold him close in the darkness, head resting against his chest as his heart slows, and his breathing rests and slows......

I want to feel what love is like one more time, and to remember that all consuming passion, I want to look in his eyes as we share intimacy.....

I want to look in his eyes as he shares deep intimacy with me, I want him to hold me tight and passionately and in that moment for us to be one.......

I want him to rub the stubble of his chin across my chest while he whispers a poem or words of Shakespeare to me.....

I want to ache for him in his presence and ache for him in his absence.....

I want to sit on a hill and hold his hand watching the fireflies around us.

I want to know every part of him....

I want him to need me like there is no other. I want to be his lover, his friend,,,,,,,,,,,,

I want to matter...

I want him to smell of his special cologne with his own unique scent that will make me remember him......

I want him to share my bed and entangled sheets, smell magnolia and hear those noises that go bump in the night......

I want his voice to be the last thing I hear before sleep sweeps over me at night and the first thing I hear as I stir awake in the morning......

I want to lay with him under a tin roof and hear the rain, lay in a creek naked and devour him,,,,,and shower together.....

I want him to hold my hand and watch a movie.....

I want to have a fine dinner and look across the table into the eyes of the one that I love totally......

As I grow older....I just want all these things....just once more.....

Life Continues...

Mom O'Lovey is home...and she is looking just as beautiful as ever. She is in good spirits and is planning to get better and working hard to follow all the instructions the doctors have said.

It's interesting to watch the family close ranks. Even my daughter is in on this. She gets all "testy" when I ask questions or say that I want to go visit. Yesterday she ordered me not to visit....but I decided I wanted to see Grandma. Everyone else had come by and I have sense enouogh to know not to wear out my welcome. The rest of them had been there all day.

So I made my appearance. Grandma greeted me warmly...and we visited. I am glad that I went.

I pray for the best....but given my parents' experience with Cancer, I am expecting the worst. I also am savoring every moment I can spend with her.


She is a dear lady.

A Reflection

It's kind of strange and the time has flown by. But do you realize I have been writing here for seven years? Seven long years?

Almost 900 posts?

Amazing.

And here I am still writing.

But the truly neat thing about this is that I can go back here and read some of those posts. I can remember the pain. I can remember the uncertainty. But I can see the phenomenal growth of where I've been.

It is truly amazing.

Although I am not where I'd like to be, which is settled into a nice loving relationship with another man...and not hooking up with FWBs, I see that I am much more comfortable with myself as a gay man. I've come out to a number of people. A number of unexpected people have come out to me. I've made a lot more friends.

Life is good.

I'm constanly trying to make it better.

The Perfect Man

It is no secret that old Frank here is hoping to find a special man or a mate one day.

A few things I keep in mind is that I am just me. There is no pretense. I am certainly no little twink looking for a sugar daddy. I'm not looking for a gym god or a man who looks like he just crawled away from a porn set in exhaustion.

Just a good guy will do. (This doesn't mean that I'm going to "settle" for anyone. I have some really high standards/expectations.)

I've had some interesting exchanges in the dating world with younger men who find me attractive. That kind of cracks me up. I mean...I am just me. From what they say, it just seems I am dripping with testosterone and sex appeal.

I want to giggle and say, "Who me?" The youngest man has been 19.

At 54, it just seems odd to be contemplating the dating scene with someone younger than your youngest child!

I've also dated some older guys. The oldest being in his early 80s...who drove a convertible with wrap around Ray Bans and snow white hair.

Realistically though, unless a phenomenal younger man wanders into my life and my hormones reach out and sing to his, I would be content with someone closer to my age give or take 10 years.

I've been warned by some of my friends that I should be especially aware of the takers that are rampant in the gay community. I would love to find a giver....a gentleman..., someone settled in his life, successful with a decent job. Someone not worried about anything other than enjoying each other's presence. Someone not looking for a fulltime live in immediately. Someone not already clearing the parking spot for my U-haul or awaiting the delivery of his crates at my townhouse in Virginia. Someone kind, spiritual, sensual and romantic. Someone not afraid to be romantic or do something dumb like sending me a romantic text message in the middle of the day. Someone who wouldn't mind a lunchtime quickie...or a weekend getaway. A man that would like to spend some time with me at my favorite haunts in Myrtle Beach SC all year round.

Someone willing to drive the Pacific Coast Highway from LA to San Francisco, CA and beyond. Someone to take a gay cruise. Someone to make love to and to be made love to by. Someone who could build a relationship with my kids and grandchildren and I, his. Someone interested in traveling back to my home state and meeting those relatives.

Someone to spend the rest of my life with.....and be willing to put time and effort into making a strong and healthy relationship. Someone to grow old with.

Someone to spend quiet evenings at home with.....or go to a movie.....or check out a museum....or a battlefield.....or the beach.....or a junk store.....or a classic car show.....or whatever.

Get the idea?

Well, old Frank here is open to a vairety of "types".....so if you know anyone in the DC metro area....point him in my direction.

I've been told I am a great catch.

I'm finally at the point where I have to agree!

A Very Long Day

I have had a very long snd stressful day here at my office overlooking a busy street here in Washington, D.C. Since I have approximately 45 minutes before I leave to go home and have a great dinner, I thought I would sit and write to all of you.

When I reread some of these posts I cringe. I know I made a pledge back at the beginning that said I would never try to gloss things over or airbrush myself. I certainly succeeded in that pledge. I honestly can't believe some of these postings.

I guess I could remove them, but you know....there may be some men out there undergoinig similar issues and in some way this might help them.

So I keep this blog intact.

I keep writing.

I keep sharing my deepest and darkest thoughts hopes and fears with all of you.

I really do appreciate your faithfulness at reading this. I can tell from the stats I see, there are a number of you who are a lot more faithful at reading all this than me at writing all this stuff.

I appreciate each of you tremendously.

I thank you for your comments....and your email.

So if you keep reading, I promise to keep writing.

Frank Gets into Deep Trouble! LOL!

Due to the hustle and bustle of the holidays, I forgot to share with you how I got into trouble with Lovey during Christmas. I found it all amusing. Still it was drama! LOL!

Mom O'Lovey made it clear very early that at the annual family Christmas feast, scheduled for Christmas Day that she wanted me to be there too. As I alluded to in an earlier post, she and I have grown very close to each other and since I live only three blocks from her, I am always dropping by to make sure she is okay.

Lovey also said she wanted me there -- for her own reasons. This was in order to meet her new beau -- a fellow member of the clergy.

Since Lovey was arriving on Christmas Eve, my daughrers decided to invite her and her mom up Christmas Day morning to enjoy breakfast, then return to their house in time to greet the reverend upon his arrival.

As luck would have it, Lovey wound up inviting him too because he was arriving at her mom's house much earlier than planned. She asked if I would mind him coming to breakfast...at my house. It sort of put me on the spot...but I thought, what the hell. I figured it would make me look bad if I didn't...so there was no other way to WIN!

WELL. The girls caught wind of their mom's plans....and got very indignant. They had not met this stranger...and were appalled that their mother would do this! So, by the time I went to bed on Christmas Eve.....it would just be my daughters and I on Christmas morning for breakfast...which worked out best.

Christmas Dinner arrived. Lovey and family were all nervous about the new beau and the EX (translated gay ex), attending the same soiree! Perhaps they thought I would convert him? Who knows? It was funny. I was so relaxed and could care less if Santa himself made a guest appearance.

(I have to confess, it wasw quite funny to find myself under the mistletoe with him at one point. LOL! I wondered what might happen if I had put a MERRY CHRISTMAS LIP LOCK on him right there in front of God and everyone else.

Following dinner and fascinating discussions about what all he had done in College for Jesus.....(my bible thumping brothers in law were captivated), it was time to open presents.

There was the family picture. I stood by my children....and seated in front of me was he and Lovey! Looking at the picture, he and she were seated butt cheek to butt cheek on the sofa! He is about 5'8" or 5'9"....and is roughly 10 years older than me which would make him 64! He has been married twice before and has one child that he is estranged from.

Fascinating.

I then took a ton of candid photographs.... I managed to take a couple of pictures of he and Lovey seated together. They were innocent pictures.....no labels indicating how hot they were...or how hot they considered each other to be.....or that they were an item. It was just two people at a Christmas Party.

I was asked to post the pictures on Facebook...which I did. They had been in place for two weeks when I got this very urgent email from Lovey asking me to jerk the ones of her and him enjoying the party down off the Web. I did. But for the life of me, I couldn't figure out what the sensitivity was surrounding them.

Her explanation was oddd....something about no one knowing their relationship. How they don't know where it is headed (after 6 years)....how their personal lives should be a secret from everyone....blah...blah.

However she was explicit. I was to keep the entire family picture intact. This is the one featuring Lovey and Beau seated butt cheek to butt cheek on the couch.

Go figure.

So I took the offensive pictures down.

Just now I had the same thing to happen with Mom O'Lovey. I posted a sweet picture of her in her hospital bed wearing a funny hat and requesting prayer for her......oh my ANOTHER STATE SECRET! So, I jerked that down.

So, I am just getting in trouble right and left.

This has taught me a valuable lesson. No matter how helpful I will attempt to be in posting pictures of that family to share them with other family members throughout the country, forget it!

It's a state secret!

My Week Got Worse: but for different reasons entirely!

When we last heard from Frank of Out of the Ashes, he was whining.

I mean REALLY whining!

Even though life can suck at times....and you feel sorry for yourself......and want to shout "Woe is me!", nothing prepared me for the turn my world took shortly after my last post.

As I went about my business, cleaning and trying to organize the mess known as Frank's House, my telephone rang. I picked it up and it was Mom O'Lovey.

She said that she had just gotten back that morning from a sleep study and when she awokee from a short nap, she had begun to spit up blood. Would I be willing to come and be with her as she tried to figure out what to do.

I zoomed down in my car.....and talked her into going to the emergency room. After spending 8 hours, we were told hat she had tumors in her chest. She is now in the hospital...will be there as they begin radiation to shrink the tumors. One is about to shut off airflow to a lung.

Scary stuff.

So, I am thinking about her. Please pray for her as much as you can. I have grown very fond of her...and love her dearly.

Will keep you posted.

A True Funk

Yesterday I was in a true, deep and dark funk.

It should not have been that way. It's no one's fault but my own.

Still I was in a funk -- an old fashioned funk. It has been quite sometime since I have experienced one at that magnitude. Not since the days of Lovey and I have I felt that way.

First off, the day was not the best weather wise. The metro area was blanketed in a deep, thick, fog. On top of this, add a gray misty blanket to it all and you can sense the kind of day it was.

It was also my dad's 80th birthday. I remembered his last birthday -- two years ago. The hospital bed. His struggle to live. I found myself there all over again.

Gosh I miss him. As I got ready for church, I found myself in tears. Crying about his loss.....crying about the loss of my mom.....the mourning of their lives...and how important they were to me.

I got myself together long enough to head to church.

Long years ago when I set up this blog, I vowed that I would always be authentic. This is not, nor will it ever be, a puff piece that makes me look good. This is meant to be a journal of my feelings...and of my journey...formerly in a straight marriage....now as a gay man.

So here goes.

I think I shared a long time ago that I had been involved with a married guy during the last 11 or 12 years of my marriage. Lovey had even provided her blessing on that, and pronounced that I had excellent taste in men. This relationship served as a great stabilizer and in the words of that guy's wife, we were truly good for each other.

Following my divorce, he came to me one day to announce:

"I love you enough to let you go. We are now out of sync. You deserve someone full-time to be your partner. I can't be this for you because I can't leave my wife or my family."

I was dumbstruck. I told him that no one expected him to leave his wife. I said that I was not expecting that. I wasn't even ready for anything full time. Can't we just keep going as we have been?"

He answered no....and that was that.

Finito!

12 yers down the tubes in one fell swoop.

So I got to experience the double whammy of losing my wife....and the man that I thought had been my soul mate.

Not long afterwards, my parents' illnesses took center stage and so I put myself on the backburner to deal with another day.

Yesterday I dealt with their loss some more.

I also had to deal with my former lover.

He and I go to the same gay church. We see each other periodically. He is still married. His wife and I remain Facebook friends. It's alway warm and affectionate when when he and I see each other at church. Even though the romance has been long gone....seeing him has always conjured up good feelings.

Some well-meaning friends of mine had said that they thought he was seeing someone else. They had observed him playing footsie during church with a fellow congregant, etc. I made no comment.....or any observation. After all, it's not my business.

But yesterday...I saw it all firsthand....and it just added to my feelings of sadness....and yes, of failure. My two familiar haunts were back. Sadness and failure.... Sadness over the deaths of my parents.....and my miserable track record of maintaining or heck even attracting a relationship.

There they were....all close....all touchy.....all affectionate.

But I suppose the thing that hurt the most is that the guy that my former lover is now seeing is not a married man. He is not in sync with him. He is a single..gay man. Just as I was when I got dumped.

Because I deserved someone full time.

So I ran to my dark places of feeling unwanted...and unloved. What was wrong with me? Why wasn't I good enough to maintain what we had going for all those years? Why not me?

After all these years....old familiar feelings returned. Oh, it's silly I know. It's really not about me. It's about him.

But it added to the funk....

Today is my off day. It is cold and dark.

The funk is still with me...but thank god it's not what it was yesterday.

A Strange Trip to WV

I just returned from a trip to my hometown in WV. It was so very strange on so many levels. I had one task to do, which was having a gas leak repaired at the house I inherited from my parents. It is another ghost of repairs past made by my well meaning father.

The thing that really bothered me this time came in the form of those silly telephone apps that I have on my telephone. These apps are ways to meet other gay men in close proximity to where your phone is. Well, while I was in WV, I began receiving messages from closely and apparently very horny gay men. They were horny gay married men.

That doesn't surprise me....because most of the gay men in that area are deeply closeted.

I just decided to chat some of these guys up. But I was surprised by what they were looking for.

They were direct and to the point.

They wanted to meet me for sex....unprotected, barebacking, penetrative, gay sex with me. When I asked, "Aren't you concerned about the fact that you know nothing about me....you know nothing of my sexual history.....I could be crawling alive with all manner of disease....and then when you penetrate me...you are exposed. Then you take it home to your wife!"

Their response floored me. They each said that they weren't concerned or that it didn't matter!!!

I gracefully declined their offers.

My goodness....if this happens in my relatively small hometown....is that the feeling in the majority of the population in major areas like where I live? It scared the heck out of me.

Don't they care at all about their wives?

Discussion with a Friend

I have a very good friend who is married to a woman and struggling with being gay. Sound familiar?

He is younger than me and lives in another state.

His wife found out about a year or so ago...and it has not been pretty. He really is struggling with things.

He travels much for his job. The type of men that float his boat are those who I identify as the exotic asian types. It strikes me that this is his ideal...yet, when he hooks up with one of those in another city, they treat him clinically. He has shared some emails with one guy in particular...and for all the feelings my friend had for this man -- well I was a bit taken aback by the tone of the email. It actually verged on the cusp of being cold. This was after my friend had spent several nights with him exchanging intimacy.

So my friend and I have been commiserating. I, with my Alex experience and he with his experience.

In the realm of the gay world, there probably isn't a man alive that doesn't have some type of a "perfect fantasy" guy in their head. Mine was always the muscular, massive chest, military type. But as I have journeyed towards acceptance of myself as a gay man, I realized that my fantasy and what actually was available did not always match up.

I had to make some concessions.

I also had to learn to accept myself and enjoy the man I have turned out to be. This self-acceptance and love for myself has gone such a long way in improving my self-esteem. I see it in my self-confidence. I even see it in my appearance and in photographs of myself. Other people notice it too!

I worry about my friend. He is at the stage where he appears to be fixated on his "type".

But someone who really cares may be under his nose and he just not see the forest for the trees.

I try to practice what I preach.

Lessons Learned

My experience with Alex taught me several things. It taught me just how important my friends are to me. It also taught me that it pays to be guarded with matters of the heart. Finally, it taught me that it is actually hard being gay.

At least in straight situations, the role models are firmly fixed. Society has put expectations on how those relationships are supposed to work. It also has set up various rituals or institutions to make sure they do work.

But gay relationships are fraught with all kinds of challenges. Not only do we have to seek out role models....that are not always easy to find, but due to the marginalization and abuse of gay people emotionally...physically...psychologically...well...gay folks potentially can bring a ston of baggage to a relationship -- some of it not even rational.

Alex made it known that he thought I was perfect. I was wonderful. The sun rose and set with me....and on and on and on and on.

So much so, that I had many red flags to go off in my head. I thought..."wow, if this man, that I don't know, can be this easily smitten by the likes of me...well, then he can fall out of love or whatever with me just as fast...or find someone else." Thus, I kept my guard up.

Totally.

So as I process all this...and hopefully one day meet someone with whom I can have a wonderful relationship....I have to wonder if what I look for really exists? I mean...I want a man that will care for me as much as I care for him. I want to matter to someone else. It would really be nice to be treated as number one in someone's heart and life for a change....rather than leftover...or pushed to the end of the line or just taken for granted.

I remember that while dating Lovey, she made it a point to tell me that her ministry would always come first. Dumb and naive me thought...well...I'll be occasionally number one. True love conquers all. Boy, was I wrong on that. In 25.5 years, I NEVER came first.

It may be unrealistic...but I won't settle for this ever again.

For the right man, I will move heaven and earth to be there for him. To honor him. To cherish him. To be there for him in good and bad times. To be there in sunshine and rain. To love unconditionally. To accept any shortcomings and not try and change him into the man that I want him to be.

Isn't this is what love and relationships are all about?

Or am I being Pollyanna?

Gay Male Dating Strangeness

At the men's retreat I recently attended, I was somewhat pleased with myself. I was actually dating a guy that I had met about two weeks before. We hit it off. We were enjoying our time together. We went to movies…..went to dinner…..went to lunch….had dates…. We were always in touch! He chose not to attend with me.....

BUT

The weekend of the retreat I was tremendously disturbed at his behavior….he grew silent….almost sullen. I could not reach him during my time at the hotel. Then when I returned home…and was able to talk to him again…..everything seemed ok. But the feeling nagged me. He was not pleased that I had friends….and that I was spending time that weekend with a whole nest of gay men.

I suppose he thought it was just one massive orgy.

We got that all straightened out. He seemed ok

Then last weekend, I went off to a Church Retreat with 25 other gay people….mostly women. We spoke via apple FACETIME…..and it just went down hill. He got really almost hateful….and controlling…..

It was clear that he did not really like that I have friends.

So I was forced to choose between this very special man….that I thought was "the one"….or my dear friends — the people in my life that are closer than family. In fact, I consider them to be my family. They have loved me for years…..they have encouraged me through my times of questioning….through my separation and awful divorce…..and the devastating illnesses of my parents and their subsequent deaths.

One week ago today he sent me an email to say I was disinvited from spending several days at his beach home last week. So, I responded, "You're right. I don't think I need to be there this week."

Nothing more.

My friends won out.

I spent 25.5 years in a controlling environment. Not going there again.

Just a bit wistful tonight and thought I'd share

Be Careful What You Ask For

For years now, as I write this blog, I have whined and gone on and on about my strong desire to have a man -- a boyfriend -- a partner -- a husband.  However you want to describe it.   So, back in late September, a man -- very close to my age, contacted me through one of those silly telephone apps on my IPhone.  One thing has led to another and I now find myself on the verge of a new adventure.  

And I am frightened.

Can you believe it?

You might be wondering what it is that has me so fearful.  Well, I guess when I think about it I see the ghosts of my previous relationships.  Namely that pesky longterm one I had with Lovey and you all know how successful that one turned out.

This man is a gentle spirit.  He is a giver.  He is sensitive.  He is so talented.  He travels in circles...and has many friends and I kind of shake my head and think sometimes that he is way out of my league.  He's been married twice.  His second wife was a minister in the United Methodist Church and graduated from the seminary that Lovey had worked at for so long.  

Our lives have tracked very closely on very similar paths...parallel through the years, until they finally intersected on September 26, 2012.

We like the same things.  He has no children.  I am only a few weeks older.  

And here we are.  I just don't want to do something wrong.  I feel such pressure.  

But there is another thing that bothers me.  

All the years I have searched for a special man....I spent a lot of time playing the field.  I know what I like.  I know the types of men I like.  I've been insatiable.  So, I question myself and wonder if I can really be monogamous...or will I suffer from what a lot of other gay men do.  

The desire for an open relationship.  Can I focus now on just one person?  (I think I can.)

Can I be faithful? (I think I can.)

Can I let my defenses down and learn to trust another human being after that terrible time period with Lovey?  When things I told her in private, suddenly became public knowledge for all to know and some of it was even used against me?  (I think I can.)

Can I let myself go and truly love again?  (I think I can.)

But I am afraid.  

Afraid of failure.

Afraid of commitment.

Afraid of being a disappointment.

Afraid of him and his circle being "out of my league."

What if I don't fit in?

What if I am not liked by "them?"

What if my kids don't like him? 

What if he does not like my kids?

What if his extended family do not like me?

I guess I will never know.

Unless I give it my best shot.

Thanks for your thoughts!

I have always loved the paintings of the late artist Steve Walker.  I found this video on YOU TUBE and thought I would share.  It speaks to me on so many levels.

Serious Reflection on My Experience

It has been a totally interesting week.

Last weekend I attended a men's retreat in Washington, DC at a really super hotel -- blocks away from the White House.  These are men who, for the most part, are still married to their wives, but are dealing with the revelation that they have determined they are gay or bisexual.  The majority of these men have told their wives of their desires or experiences and each man is working to navigate the appropriate path that works for them and their wife.

Now, I should caution each of you to remember that just because a group of 40 gay men gather together in a hotel for an official meeting that this is not some mass orgy of writhing flesh.  Cardinal rule #1 in being gay is that just because you know another gay man, it does not mean that automatically you are going to be bumping booties with him.

Sorry to say -- a lot of straight wives automatically "run there" when their husbands decide they want to attend one of these functions.

The Saturday session was emotionally draining for me.  I heard a number of what I consider to be horror stories.  I heard how some guys have been diagnosed with clinical depression.  It takes quite a bit of effort for them to motivate themselves to remain married.  The guys who are nagged to death and not permitted to have any male friends whatsoever because the spouse automatically expects that some sort of screwing around is taking place.

There are the spouses that start up another honeymoon period post disclosure as if sudden interest in straight sex will somehow purge the gay guy's mind of sex with his own gender.  This appears to quickly wane.

I remember back in the day when I was together with Lovey, I was always afraid to have friends.  I was afraid that Lovey would think that the only reason I was friends with someone was because I was trying to get inside his pants.  The best way to describe this is "guilt by association."

And I managed to sit through the stories for many hours on Saturday.  It became my turn soon to share my journey.  Although I must say mine has been painful -- added to that are the terminal illnesses of my parents and their subsequent deaths....and then I was forced to deal with that aftermath, at least now I can say I have seemingly emerged from the other side of that very dark tunnel.  While sharing though, it was as if I was back there again...circa 2005....feeling all the angst....unsurety....and depression all over again.

I was drained...and depressed.  It lasted until Monday or Tuesday.

While it was a good visit with my friends within the group, I must confess that I had an unexpected blessing to occur.  As I spoke to the men I mentioned writing this blog...and how I found it to be quite useful in dealing with the crumbling marriage.

At break, I had a man come up to me and say, "Frank, I heard you say that you write a blog.  Which one?  I told him OUT OF THE ASHES.

The man fell apart and cried....and told me that I would never know how much this blog had helped him in his journey!  I was shocked and blessed to know that my whining and feeling sorry for myself had somehow been a blessing to him...and that he felt it was quite useful.  I told him that I came to a point that I thought I might end it...and that of late there have been man slow periods...but it provided such good documentation on my journey, that I had decided to keep writing...and to leave the almost 900 posts intact.

So, I suppose I still have several new stories to tell.  I guess I will continue writing.

Hopefully you will continue to read this.

Flashback

It is Monday evening. This weekend I attended a gathering of married men who are married to women but either identify as gay or bisexual. It was a great group meeting. Almost 40 men were there. We got to socialize and become reacquainted. I got to spend time with guys I had not seen in 7 years. I also made a series of new friends. This was an awesome group. At the Saturday main session, each man was given the opportunity to share his story and his current situation. I was very moved by the other men. Some of them had really bad stories to tell. But when it came to me and I began summarizing my story, I suddenly found my mood had sunk to the levels of depression that I had experienced routinely circa 2005 or 2006 -- about the time I started this blog. I made it through my description. But I succeeded in spending the rest of my weekend and the majority of the day today has been in a very deep funk. It has been a long time since I have been to that place of profound sadness and depression. It was so bad hat I was bored at the local strip club I took a group of these men to. They had an exciting time....watching the young guys shaking all their kibbles and bits in their faces. But I was unmoved. It just seemed all so shallow to me. One of the men who came to the club with me was in his early 80s. He had a great time. He took his shirt off. He then touched the strippers in their permissable way....nothing above the knee or below the navel. But when he was running around the place and touching the men and seemingly in an almost religious trance, I could not help but notice that the guys were there to provide entertainment. But there was no special bond or connection that could lead to a relationship or intimacy. I suppose that I am now at the age where this is important to me. I suppose this is where my funk came in. All these men were like kids in a candy store over the weekend. They were gleeful about being away from home to be "gay for the weekend." What I think is that there is so much more to being gay than just looking at men 24/7. There is a whole lot more to me and to living than just being gay.

Is This Love?

Well, Alex and I are officially "dating." This is from his lips to my ears. We both are taking this very slow. But it feels so very good to be in his presence. I feel comforted. I feel safe. The feelings are all there. They are quite strong. I daydream about him. I light up when I see he is calling me. The time flies when I am in his presence. We marvel at how close our lives have tracked. We are the same age. We have been married to women. We were married to female Methodist ministers. We have so much in common it's a bit spooky. It feels like we have known each other forever. Yup...I think this is love.

Columbus Day

Happy Columbus Day you all. As I write this entry, I am sitting in the waiting room at a hospital. This is because I brought my daughter in law to have some really serious nasal surgery done. (She has no sinuses...so they are going to be built.) So, I thought I would use this time to write an update on all things Frank. It has been quite a busy year. My son got married. He was deployed to Afghanistan, where he currently is. My grandson arrived on the first year anniversary of my father's death. The hous in WV was emptied. We had a massive estate sale. The renovations were done. The house got rented. And now, I have met someone who could very well be the ONE. So 2012 has certainly been a very busy and interesting year. From a gay perspective, I have become a lot more settled with things. I am a lot more relaxed. I've come out to a few people...including to my daughter in law. I've experienced nothing negative or any negative response in the least. So far, life is good.

It Appears To Have Finally Happened!

A man has entered into Frank's life. Oh, don't get me wrong.  I have tons of male friends.  I have had a million crushes.  I have played the dating game on many occasions -- only to have had my heart broken in the end. This is WAY different. After I took care of my parents' house and all its renovations, then got it rented.  After going through probate.  After having a very painful liquidation sale of their belongins.

After all this....and all the other stuff I have been through for many, many years, I decided to do something solely for me for a change.

I decided to cast the net far and wide to see if I could finally land someone "special."

By special, I mean someone to actually love.  Someone that I would know is thinking about me.  Another man on the planet who wants and has an emotional connection with me, "Mr. Out of the Ashes."

So I placed several ads in cyber space that explained my situation and what I was looking for.  I got lots of weird responses.  One man wanted my dirty underwear shipped to him.  Another wanted to date me but because I am very busy, he accused me of searching for something (yeah, I was), and that he hoped I find it. (Clearly it wasn't him...he didn't get it.)  He hung up on me.

Other men that I found were of a similar vein.  Or they expressed interest and never did anything about it.  Or others talked the talk...got what they wanted...never to be heard from again.  

So this past Wednesday morning I get a brief message from a guy on one of those sillly phone apps.  It said, "Hi.  Similar journey, live in Rehoboth, but work in Monday - Wednesday.  Top bottom ... it's really about passion and connecting for me at this time in my life.  Enjoy the great Setpember weather."

This began what is promising to be a wonderful relationship.  We are proceeding slowly...but we are both exceedingly taken with each other.

We've met in person.  We spent two hours talking about everything.  He is well known in certain circles.  He is quite artistic and in great demand.  But he is unassuming.  He was married to a female minister for a number of years.  She was older than him.  (Sound familiar?)  No kids or grandkids.  

We've been using technology to our advantage.  We speak several times per day via phone.  In the evening we spend time chatting via the MAC "FaceTime" application.  We are going on a dinner date on Monday evening.

There has been quite a change in me.  Folks have noticed.  He and I are almost identical in ages.  

It's good.

My heart flutters.

I believe this is the guy I have been looking for.

Keep your fingers crossed all.

Life Continues...

 Goodness!  It has been forever since I posted last.

I apologize for neglecting you all summer long.  But it has been very busy between trying to finish up my parents' estate, nursing my sick dog, and then having some work done on my house.  Additionally I have been able to get my childhood home rented.  So this has alleviated quite a bit of stress off my mind.

A few weeks ago, my dog finallly succumbed to the cancer that had been ravaging his little body.  It is not quite the same without him here.  But I have determined that I will not have another animal.  They take a lot of work and with my wacky schedule, it is not fair to have it spend the majority of its day alone in my house without human contact.

What else has been happening with me?

Well, I am trying to figure out me in general.  While in caregiving mode for so long, I neglected me.  I lost me in the process.  So now it is my time.

I have opened myself up to dating lots of new people.

This experience has uncovered a seamy underside of gay life that I find really troubling.  I think that gay people as a whole have had to hide for so long....and they have been marginalized or deemed as pariahs for such a long time, many are scarred.  They cart around more baggage than the average person.

I made friends with a couple of gay men on my summer vacation.  One is still married to a woman and he lives in terror of his wife finding out.  Man #2 told me about the physical and psychological abuse that he suffered from his partner 20 years ago....and how his family mistreated him too.  He finally turned to alcohol, drugs and a fast life that led him to crashing and burning.  It left him shattered and he was utterly afraid of people.

Both marveled that I was able to just start a conversation with anyone.  The server at the restaurant....the lifeguard......people in the pool.....  These are things that I have had to work on as I negotiated the trip from married "straight" man to gay single man.

They don't know the work that I had to do in order to feel totally at ease with myself and how I had to break down the barriers in my own mind in order to reach out and just make friends.

Still there they were.  And here I was.  I gave them unconditional acceptance....let them talk....and they seemed like very dry sponges.

Another man, a fireman, told me about the childhood sexual abuse he went through as a teenager.  The Ph D who told me about the rape he suffered 15 years ago that left him with PTSD....and alcoholism.

I am totally amazed that for all the negativity I had to experience, nothing ever rose to the level of trauma these men experienced.

But I am shocked at the viciousness of gay people.  If I had thin skin I probably would have taken my marbles and gone home ages ago.  For example:

There's the guy that answered one of my dating ads.  He looked fine....seemed nice....we scheduled a date....and the more he talked...the more I lost the "magic."  He was unemployed.  He had three children that he is estranged from.  One of them is homeless....and he hasn't done anything to try and help him.   After our date....he wrote to say he didn't feel the magic with me...which is fine.  But when I thanked him for telling me that....and that I hadn't either...he got mad and hateful.

Yet another man, who kept sending me all kinds of notes....and his phone number....got mad when he thought I didn't call him like he should.  (My world does not revolve around the dating sites.)  Finally when I was able to schedule some time for him...he accused me of being at a difference place than he and that I should not call.  I simply responded.  OK.

Then there was the man who sent me the nasty gram that told me that my ad was DELUSIONAL.  He said I had NO RIGHT to be on the site.  BLAH>>>BLAH.

Finally, on another one of those sites (I cast my net broadly) I happened to comment on how well done a particular ad was written.  He responded that "I AM NOT INTERESTED AND I AM NOT LOOKING!!!"  (Well then why is he on a dating site?)  I said in response, "I am just giving you a compliment not asking you to marry me.")  His response?  "GOOD!  NOW LEAVE ME ALONE!"

So, old Frank is still here....still believing that there is love....and monogamy in the gay male dating world.

Perhaps I am delusional.