The Awful President's Day Weekend

This has not been one of my more stellar weekends.

I had so looked forward to it because I was going to have a houseguest....and be able to go out and show him the sites. But, alas, it was not meant to be. He cancelled at the last moment, which left me with a big open space on the calendar.

Saturday was the worst day.

I threw myself a gigantic pity party....a part for one.

I had brunch with a friend from my men's group. He wanted to know how I was doing....he knew that my daughter had just left for El Salvador...and that I was struggling. When I started to tell him how bad I felt, I spilled over. The tears fell and fell and fell. I apologized.profusely.

But still those tears kept on coming....it was bad.

I probably scared him.

Then another one of my closest and dearest friends came over in mid-afternoon to visit and go for a late lunch/early supper. He asked me how I was doing with things....and I decided then and there to level with him about everything that has been going on in my life. After all, I didn't want Lovey's disclosure to her attorney to get back to the church and this man and his wife hear about it second handed. I thought it made the most sense for them to hear it from me.

So, I told him that I was gay.

He was blown away by the fact that my wife had known for 24 years, but only now was choosing to make a big deal about it. He said, "She's not showing much grace there is she?"

I didn't respond.

I hesitated at telling him my story. I hesitate telling my story to any of my straight guy friends.

Why?

I am always afraid of what their thoughts are.....you know. I'm afraid that they will think I'm trying to hit on them or something, which isn't the case.

It was just time to tell this man.

And he was fine with it. He had no problems. He didn't say I was going to hell....and he didn't dump me beside the road. He just listened.....and as he did this, my tears began to flow......and flow.....and flow.

I can't believe just how many tears have been shed this weekend. I need to get a grip.

Sunday Morning came and I decided to go to church. I sat on one of the backrows with my former mother-in-law. Everyone, but one person, ignored me. Once again I was the invisible man.

I think I'm going to find another church...but I just don't have the energy right now to do so.

Why is it that it feels like the bottom has dropped out of things?

Did #1's departure really trigger this....or has this been building to the point that it is a coincidence of happening at the same time of her departure? I don't know..... All I know is that this is the most pain I have ever felt in a long time......a VERY long time.

Even my dog looks at me warily.

Has my divorce.....my gayness.....my empty nest......and all my other insececurities all ganged up on me to make me lose it?

Will I ever get back to the place that I was? Will I ever be happy again?

Is this what going crazy feels like?