It's Friday

It's Friday.

I've spoken with all 3 kids.

I went to my doctor for a diabetes followup. I continue to do well. She is soooo encouraging to me.

Dr. H. always asks how I'm doing with the divorce and stuff. She makes comments about me finding the right companion, and how great it will be. She also knows Lovey, and stands by her earlier comments there by reinforcing the theme: "The best revenge is to do well."

So this is what I am striving to do.

In spite of myself.

I'm just not feeling like I'm doing well at the moment. I feel very shaky...alone....and fearful.

This is silly.

When you read back over this blog, you see just how far I have come. How I've worked to make a home for myself and my daughter.

I tend to see a pattern in me that I need to change: everytime there is a big change looming in my life, I feel overwhelmed and doubt my coping skills. Remember the essay I wrote about June 20? or how frightened I was at the prospect of separation? of divorce? of selecting new furniture?

Looking back I felt the same way about living by myself when I moved from my parents' home in 1978 when I was 20. I doubted myself when I got married. I doubted myself when I became a parent...and when I got new jobs along the way....or made significant purchases.

Where did all the second guessing come from?

I just need to suck it all in and breath and perhaps even run to the challenge before me. Welcome change.

I just have to deal with the prospect of living alone in my house....with my dog!

I can do this!

But gosh am I going to miss my #1. I suppose when I think on it, it's not so much of my being alone as it is of seeing her move to such a foreign and strange new world. She could be injured or raped. This is the most painful part.

But life for me will go on.

Hopefully I will hear something about the separation agreement.

Hopefully my divorce will be final in another few weeks.

Then it will all be over....and perhaps my little dark cloud, that has hung over my head for the past 2 years will vanish away. Permanently.

I had a long conversation with #2 via telephone. She's upbeat and now is the proud owner of a Tennessee driver's license. Heard from my son the marine and he is headed home tomorrow. So, we'll have a reunion of sorts. Just wish #2 could join us.

I heard through the grapevine last night, that Lovey's family are descending on my house for breakfast on Monday morning in honor of #1. This is so cool....given the fact that they rarely ever used to come by when Lovey was in charge of the place. I dare say that they have been in my home more over the past 5 weeks than they were in the previous 10 years.

What gives?