One Dark, Cold, Wintry Weekend Evening

I’m finding that my worst days tend to be when the weather is foul and I am forced to be inside and alone for extended periods of time.

This happened yesterday.

I had planned to go to church yesterday morning, but due to the snowstorm we got, I decided to stay inside. Since I'm alone, I find that I have lost my nerve in driving on snowy pavement.

Yesterday, It seemed that all I could do was to keep the walks cleared around my house.

I dug the car out 3 times.

I did two loads of laundry.

There is so much in my house that needs to be done. I should have done so very much more.

But…it was so lonely to be inside. I couldn't seem to get myself to focus....or to make myself do anything else.

There I am in the house -- alone -- the house that I have lived in for almost 15 years. Don't get me wrong. I am so very thankful to have emerged from this separation with the house...but I feel that I have lost so much in the process.

No sounds of children’s laughter. No arguments. No kitchen noise as meals are prepared. No little voices begging to me to go out and play in the snow. No one to yell at me for tracking in snow and salt into the foyer.

No one to cuddle with in the stillness of the evening. No one to hold hands with as we walk across the street to the grocery store. No one to just be there.

And there I sat in the darkness… once more experiencing the forced solitude. The only sounds I heard were those emanating from my snoring cocker spaniel, Davy.

Thank God for Davy!

He and I are partners now. He loves me....and I feel it. His breathing is a comfort in the middle of the night. His little furry body snuggles close. We keep each other warm.

But it doesn't replace human touch.

In all honesty…I have never, ever faced anything as lonely, as painful, as sad and bewildering as this never ending separation/divorce. The pain is something akin to a toothache. At times it is bearable, and at other times it becomes excruciating -- especially on cold, dark, snowy winter evenings in my house.

I HATE IT.....THIS LONELINESS......I HATE ALL OF IT!

Time, I am told, is the great healer.

I hope so.