I awoke early this morning...in the wee hours and let the dog out.
I went back to bed....the dog snuggled up beside me....and I lay awake thinking about all that has transpired in these last two years. I took inventory of where I was......and the journey from there to where I find myself now.
It's been quite a distance.
A lot of tears have been shed.
Many feelings have surfaced and ebbed, much like the tides in the oceans. Occasional storms have added to the surge....but I find myself....warts and all....in a calm and easy place.
This week I have tried to focus on me. I'm off from work...and I've used this time to reflect....to write a bit.....and to ponder the mystery of what makes me who I am. I've not arrived at any earth shattering conclusions. But I have learned that I am no perfect entity. I have made so many mistakes. Hopefully in making those, I have learned from them so as not to make them again. I believe that they have made me a kinder, nicer and better human being.
This week I have felt sorry for myself. I've felt horribly alone. I've felt lost and abandoned by the family I thought I had. Lovey's off doing her thing........#1 is in El Salvador doing her thing, #2 is in Nashville pursuing her dreams. #3 (MSM) is in Florida with his buds. And here I sit, paying the bills, watching over the dog. I've asked the question, "What about me?"
I've spent my entire married life protecting, defending, and providing for its various members. I don't know why it is so difficult for me to do the same things for me. Why should it take brain surgery to be able to do this? I shouldn't have to take a week to contemplate my existence. But yet, here am I, doing that very thing. Reflecting.....pondering.....wondering.
I guess right now I'm a bit needy...
Here are the things I need:
I need friends....unconditional friends. You know, the ones who know all about you, warts and all...and love you anyway. Those kind of friends.
I need a church. A church that I can feel comfortable in. A church that will welcome me and I won't feel as though the rafters will quake if I pronounce those three profound words, "I am gay."
I need hugs. Lots of hugs. Those kinds of hugs that can go on for hours. Naked hugs......clothed hugs.........intimate hugs......friendly hugs....affectionate hugs.
I need the separation agreement signed.
I need the divorce made final.
I need to move on.
I need to be happy.
I need to live.
I need no more drama.
Today I have identified MY needs. They're not a nebulous mess of sculptured smoke. They are concrete.
Yes, a new day has come!
1 comment:
Frank:
Lovey, #1, #2, and MSM are each on their own epic journeys of self discovery. Be force that puts Frank on his. Actually, I think it was a great idea to sit down and write down your needs. You know what your priorities are. I would have included something about exercise and health on my list (but then it would be my list not yours). I think it your list is consistent with the Frank we have gotten to know and love through your blog.
Now each of you will have your ups and downs on your journeys, some by fate, some by folly. MSM had one of the latter. They are painful, and when we are in pain, especially self inflicted pain, we tend to spread it around. Not useful, but since when have humans only done what is useful?
The growth I have seen in your attitude and posting over the last year has been remarkable. Thank you for sharing it with us, it gives us hope that when our time comes we too will grow.
Rick
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