Making Friends

I’m still striving to expand my network of friends.

Given the place where I am in my journey, I need to have a network of gay friends. So, I’ve been actively reaching out.

Well, for a guy like me, this is a big deal. I mean, I tend to be shy and have operated close to 50 years on the premise that if people want me in their lives they know where to find me. This isn’t the best approach.

So, I swallow my pride, become determined and start meeting people. In doing so, I’ve had some very, very good experiences and on the flip side, some very, very bad experiences.

How do I make friends?

Well, I decided to go to a gay chat room….one that is notoriously ageist. So I played it mysterious….aloof….. Not putting it all out there. I entered by saying…..”Afternoon gents!”

No answer.

Hmmmm.

“Anyone here wanna chat?”

No answer.

“Y’all are certainly a friendly bunch.”

No answer.

So finally I said, “I’m a WM, nice guy, 40something, looking for another nice guy. Object? Friendship.”

An 18yo, a 38yo married naval officer, and a 30yo married guy all started chatting with me. They were soon joined by fine 47yo horticulturalist.

Now the 47yo seemed to be the nicest guy of all. We had lots in common and we chatted about a whole lot of interests. He was single and had never been married to a woman. He told me about his family, his hobbies, his friends, his past relationships. He then said he wanted to meet me in person for dinner or lunch.

Arrangements were made. We met. He was and is a very nice guy. We talked and ate and laughed and had a good time. We left the restaurant and I was feeling good about expanding my network of friends.

When I arrived home, I sent him an email. I thanked him for meeting me and that I really liked him. I also said that I would be interested in getting to know him better. Was he interested? Two days later I get this long email back from him saying that he didn’t want a relationship. He didn’t want sex. He wasn’t comfortable dating a man who wasn’t yet divorced….

I was floored.

Sex wasn’t mentioned. A relationship with him wasn’t mentioned. Dating wasn’t discussed.

I wrote him back and told him that I thought he misunderstood something….that I was only looking for friendship….platonic friendship. POOF! He disappeared into cyberspace.

I wonder why it is this happened. I tried to be very clear with him from the outset that I was looking for friendship. But, in the end, that seemed to translate into a sexual relationship with him. Is this what’s expected in the gay world? Am I just not getting it or was he just a clod?

Another guy I met was a married man, age 50. As I talked with him, real friendship possibilities emerged. But he wrote me an email afterwards to say that I had a powerfully attractive personality and that a friendship with me was not possible because I was a threat to the relationship he had with his wife. He directed me to never contact him again.

Huh?

I think I’ve grown. It wasn’t too long ago that if these things had happened I would have been devastated and taken all these rejections personally. Now, though I am left scratching my head and wondering, what is it that guys like this are really looking for in chat rooms.

Obviously it’s not for a guy like me!