Disillusioned

I am disillusioned and profoundly sad at this moment.

I’m learning more about my wife…and to be honest, I wish I didn’t have to know this stuff. I am grieved beyond description.

I finally heard back from my attorney. Lovey is balking at stuff that I am clearly entitled to. Even her attorney agrees.

This isn’t earth shattering stuff. The stuff that shatters my world is what all this behavior on her part reveals about her – her thinking – her view of me – her selfishness – yes, even her greediness.

I don’t know why I am so surprised at anything she does. But, I guess when you’ve thought you’ve known someone for 25+ years and they begin behaving out of character repeatedly, it surprises you.

Sadly, I must confess that these two years have left me with a lot of emotional scars. I find myself afraid to trust…..afraid to love….afraid to care about anyone.

In my marriage, I trusted. I loved. I cared.

You see where all that got me!

But I have to now ask myself, “Did she ever really love or sincerely care about me on the same level?” Or, was I merely a meal ticket? Or a male nanny to the kids? Or was it simply because I was the money tree?

I’ve come to believe that she didn’t.

I’m not sure that she has the capacity to truly love….or to ever be happy.

Her lack of consideration for me in the negotiation process is quite revealing.

This isn’t something new. In looking back, I’ve seen this facet of her personality all along. It’s why I spent so much time trying to mend fences with friends or members of the church. It explains the undercurrent that swirled about her and me for all those years.

I was just blinded to it all and gave her the benefit of the doubt and tried to get others to do the same. A lot of them would have no part of it.

I now know why.