It’s Monday.
A gathering winter storm is making its way to the DC area. We’re expecting snow, and freezing rain with possibly up to an inch of ice! ICK!
If it is bad tomorrow, I don’t plan to come into the office…at all.
I can deal with the snow. I can’t deal with the ice!
So, I’ve spent the day back at the office, trying desperately to get back into the swing of things. I’ve caught up on all my email. It doesn’t appear that I have missed a lot of anything substantive while I was out. My staff has done a really good job at keeping things moving. I am so thankful.
Still, in the back of my mind, I dread the trip home -- the empty place.
Well, I suppose I shouldn’t complain about it being really empty. I do have my cocker spaniel, Davy. He’s always glad to see me. I’m always glad to see him.
But, it’s not like having a person there to talk to or to laugh with.
Folks tell me that this is all going to be fine and that I’m “tracking” normally. However, to me, it just doesn’t feel right. I don’t feel normal.
What is normal?
I guess it depends who you ask.
Some would say it is the opposite of all the things I am and stand for. Others would laugh and say that given my situation (a large qualifier), I am normal.
Who knows?
I have every material possession that I could ever want or need. Down deep I have a longing.
What’s the longing you may wonder?
It is a longing to be happy and content.
What would make me happy?
I just don’t know.
All I know is that I have the incredibly deep longing for it.
2 comments:
I think I know what you are feeling, I too came out last year to my wife, after 25yrs and 3 kids, besides the physical attraction to men, I have this longing to really connect with someone, but it is hard to put a finger on it I'm not sure that I trust myself to know what I feel. I've lived the american dream, worked hard, and it seems in the end all I've done is burry the real me. I think I'm understanding better, my wife and I seem to get along better than we have in all those years, but it still is not where we both need to be. I've been reading a book by Brad Gooch, Finding the Boyfriend Within, I'd recommend it. I'm finding my lonliness is mostly from within.
You'll find the happiness you are searching to find.
I wish I had words to soothe whatever it is you are feeling. But I haven't begun my journey yet. At least you have started yours.
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