Out of the Past

I've been doing some reminiscing lately...so please bear with me.

This gay thing that I have suffered with for 45 years has had its share of ups and downs.

I remember so desperately trying to keep everything hidden, including my basic identity. I tried conjuring up feelings that I didn’t have and to make myself “normal.”

It was downright frightening to reach that period in junior high when it felt that my world was coming unraveled. I felt like a secret agent. I had to keep my feelings for other boys in check. I tried to be as asexual as possible.

That first year in junior high was hellish to say the least. Not only was I moving to a new school for the first time in my life….but I also was expected to strip naked in front of all the other boys and take gang showers…..which meant I was afraid of getting excited and well, -er obvious as to my orientation.

No wonder I was rather chunky…and ate as a way to get comfort. It also explains why my grades that year were so bad. My parents believed that I played my way through my seventh grade year….but in actuality….and I remember this very clearly…….I was so overcome with hormones……and thoughts and desires I had never had before…….that I was a total wreck waiting to happen. I just didn’t have the energy to handle it all and my grades suffered. Added to all this was the ADD that I did not know I had at the time…so, in looking back, I’m amazed that I made it through that year at all!

That entire academic year I was like a deer in the headlights…24/7. Everyday seemed like something bad happened or at least was waiting to.

Three months into that school year is when the Marshall University airplane crash happened. Several of my friends lost their parents. This only added to my stress and anxiety levels.

The absolute worst part was the fact that I couldn’t talk about it with anyone. I couldn’t’ share the fact that I was “different”….or had these feelings that made me feel troubled.

That year I also discovered the joys of masturbation. In my little mind…..something that felt so great had to be wrong. So, on top of all that I was feeling, I now added guilt to the mix.

So, now fast forward to the year 2007 -- I’m now a marriage veteran, with three kids to show for it all. In looking back at that 25 year long term relationship, I’ve likened that experience as a trip on the Hindenberg. For a time, we flew majestically and mightily – we had our ups and our downs, but in the end we had our Lakehurst, NJ. Somewhere our marriage exploded. It crashed and burned and left me standing in the rubble to rise out of the ashes like a phoenix.

So here I am and I’m beginning to heal. I’ve gained a host of new friends – a lot of gay ones. I’m developing healthy, close and affectionate male friendships.

I’ve discovered church again and the joy of delighting in the Lord after such a long journey through the desert.

I’m also content with what I have. All I need is to pay all my bills off…and you’ll see a very happy Frank.

Yesterday I had something to happen that shows just how far I have come in my development as a single gay man. It’s a bit funny in some respects.

I had lunch with Brokeback in his office building. It was relaxing and fun to just catch up and talk and just to be together. At the conclusion of our hour together, we walked to the center of this vast office complex. He grabbed my hand in a handshake and we embraced as we have thousands of times. But this time, without thinking, I kissed him just west of his cheek…on his ear.

It was only after I returned to my office that I realized what I had done. No wonder the woman with the cell phone up to her ear looked at me kind of weirdly at the time! I apologized to Brokeback….but he must be experiencing the same type of growth because he thought nothing of it.

So, I am rising further and further out of the ashes of my marriage.

What a journey!