Today I am bothered by something that was said over the weekend.
Oh, I’ve been accused of being too sensitive before and maybe that’s what’s going on here. But nonetheless, I AM bothered…right or wrong.
Here’s what happened.
Sunday was a great day. As usual I got to spend it with all my church buds. I also got to be a communion minister at church during the service. I find this function to be uniquely warming and meaningful as I pray with my brothers and sisters and offer some words of blessing on them before they go on their way for another week. Sometimes when I am praying for someone, I feel so rusty. Still it is good to get back into the swing of things….especially if I am correct in feeling the calling on my life that I currently feel.
After lunch I went home. I curled up on the couch with Davy Dawg, my loveable, but dumb cocker spaniel. Then I remembered that I had to go to the bookstore to look up some books for #1, who will begin teaching an English class in August. She is also going to be teaching a computer course too. She’s awfully excited and I am quite proud of her.
I finally got in touch with Brokeback. He had said that he wanted to go to a movie. So we made arrangements to see the new Harry Potter flick.
It was a great film.
After it was over, he and I decided to go to a neighboring restaurant and have a chocolate shake.
It was over the chocolate shake I became mildly bothered.
Since Friday, when he and I attended our Gay Married Men’s meeting in DC, he’s been really agitated about the fact that he has not yet been permitted to tell his adult children that he is gay. His wife doesn’t want them to know….something about the fact that she is afraid that she will be forced to choose between him and them – the kids, and she just doesn’t want to be placed in the middle.
Brokeback is beginning to feel that his kids already know about him, and he thinks his wife knows a lot more than what she has been telling him.
So, sometime on Saturday he actually had a conversation with her about the kids.
His wife said, “The kids can’t stand Frank, because they think he’s gay.”
Clearly this woman has not protected me in any way….or has on some levels confirmed the fact that I am gay to her children.
He then said, “Well, I think on some levels they know about me, their dad.”
She just shrugged and changed the topic.
I’ve never had the relationship with his kids that he has with mine. My kids dearly love him…unconditionally and they view him as a second dad. His kids have never been warm and fuzzy with me. They probably wish I’d drop dead or something.
I guess I am an awful person….I mean, I’ve had this married man in my life for 10 years and I can’t seem to even have his kids like me….in any way, shape or form. I’m perceived as gay….so I deserve to be shunned…..hated……talked about…..looked down upon.
And all I have ever done to them is to just breathe.
And try to be a friend to their dad.
And I am rejected as a result and despised.
It’s enough to make me feel really paranoid. After all, how many other people in my life “know” and dislike me? Is that why I’ve always had trouble making friends or why I always sensed bad vibes from people?
As I approach my 50 year mark, I guess I should be used to being the resident pariah.
But I’m not.
It still hurts.
3 comments:
hey, i really enjoy following your blog. re this post, i really think you have to see it from the kids' point of view too. kids are perceptive & generally feel threatened if they feel someone may disrupt their family life... that safe environment. they also often feel protective of the other parent - if their mum's uneasy when you're around, they probably pick up on that. at the end of the day, it sounds like your in love with their dad, so they're gonna pick up on that & probably feel uneasy. give it time & don't feel too sorry for yourself. all the best. pete
I wonder why Brokeback felt he had to share what his wife said about the kids not liking you. Didn't he know it would hurt your feelings?
In this delicate situation, I would think she might not be the most impartial source of information on what the kids think or don't think.
But, assuming this is an accurate reflection of what the kids really think...as the kids come to terms with their father being gay (consciously or unconsciously), they may feel a bit jealous of your relationship with their dad. And maybe angry. It's not logical, but they might think that you are making their dad gay - if he didn't hang around you he would be straight, the family would remain intact, and everyone will live happily ever after....
Frank, it might not be anything personal - just their sensing their lives will change and you are somehow a part of it. And even if they 100% feel this way today, doesn't mean once they've adjusted to the situation, they might come to be very close to you.
Frank:
It would appear that Mrs. Brokeback is putting herself in the middle, consciously or not. And of course her children are going to support her rather than you.
The reality is that Mr. and Mrs. Brokeback have a relationship problem, and they are trying to hide the 10 ton elephant that is standing in the middle of the room. You are not the cause but the symptom of it. But this ongoing problem is going to affect you and their children and it is often hard for those being affected to separate cause from symptom.
I doubt that there is anything you can do to help – they (Mr. Mrs. and their children) must decide to deal honestly with the elephant. You could stop seeing Mr. Brokeback and that might shield you from further effects but that would not change their problem, it would just change the symptom.
Rick
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