Ten Years.... WOW!

It’s My Anniversary!

Well, actually it’s Mr. Brokeback’s and my anniversary! Ten years ago today we actually met for the first time. I’ve written about that meeting here before.

In remembering that special night ten years ago, I still get those butterflies when I think of him -- my heart pounds and my eyes can grow misty.

All because of this one special guy who entered my life on Friday, July 11, 1997.

I don’t mean to get all mushy here…but for those of you who aren’t gay it may help you to understand things better.

Perhaps the biggest issue surrounding the gay thing is probably where gay men put their various body parts together during sex. I think this is why you never hear as much controversy about lesbians. Or why in movies or television, it is more acceptable to see two women in a romantic embrace than it is for two men.

Well, in my mind, my feelings for Mr. Brokeback transcend the sexual part. I mean, before I met him, I really never understood why love songs were written…or why people would get all teary eyed in a romantic movie…..or what was said in a love letter or the concept of feeling complete.

Oh, with my wife I tried to experiences this so desperately. I would send cards……flowers…….write notes…..but it was a struggle. The words wouldn’t come. I didn’t feel any passion. I certainly didn’t have the concept of completion. Sex with her was more mechanical. I had to conjure up all kinds of energy to psyche myself up for this. A lot of men in my shoes say that in order to be with their wives, they have to fantasize about being with a man during the act.

I never did that.

It was always about me trying to “do my duty.” Sadly, in the process, I was overcome with anxiety and dread. Sex was a chore. It wasn’t and couldn’t be spontaneous. In my mind I had to plan for it and psyche myself up for it.

But when Mr. Brokeback came into my life, something inside me clicked.

Deeply.

Profoundly.

Completely.

I finally understood why love songs are written.

I now know where poetry comes from.

I cry at romantic movies and tears have been known to trickle down my face at weddings.

Words flow and literally dance across the pages when writing a love letter to him.

And yes, I know what it feels like to be complete.

Physically, the parts fit together as a symbol of the unity and the completion within the relationship. It doesn’t have to be conjured up. There is no dread. There is no fear. It is far from a chore. It’s fun.

It’s spontaneous.

It’s passionate.

It’s definitely not mechanical baby.

And here I sit 10 years later. Still feeling this way about Mr. Brokeback.

I don’t know what the future holds. He and I will probably never, ever live together in a full blown partnership. But this doesn’t mean that the “want to” doesn’t exist.

No matter what I do….or where I go in life, July 11 will always be “our” day.

Happy Anniversary Brokeback….. I love you!