Hearing Vs. Listening

Life is busy.

Jobs...bills.....responsibility....secret longings.....missed opportunities.....old hurts....new hurts.....the noise of it all...internal and external.

It is just so easy to get sidetracked and to think about the state of one's affairs.

It's kind of like this holiday season when I've been focused on all that I must do -- the shopping -- rushing to the airport -- wrapping -- church -- blah! blah! blah!

Then my children are talking.

Things are on their mind. Lots of things.

And I respond with "uh huh."

Although I heard....I find that I didn't really listen.

Finally, I do a data dump of all that is in my mind. For the next little while I pledge to listen to them -- my children. I will look deeply into their eyes.

I will concentrate on them.

On what they have to say.

Good or bad.

Positive or negative.

Hurtful or uplifting.

I listen.

Intently.

Oh.....and what I hear -- really hear.

We connect on a deep and rich level.

I am so glad that I heard and took the time during the busy-ness of the season to stop and listen.

What a grand Christmas!

My children will never be a missed opportunity!

Happy New Year to all of you!

(I plan to get back on schedule following the holidays.)

Counting my blessings...

Christmas is this Thursday!

I can't believe it.

I am FAR from ready. The Christmas cards need to be finished....and my shopping has not even started! I've just not had the time or energy to do all that. I've been putting in 12-14 hours per day at my office trying to get all the year end stuff done. On top of that, I've been working to get the house all in order for the arrival of the kids.

My son arrived on Wednesday. We have had such a wonderful time together so far. I marvel at the changes and level of maturity I see. He is quite a young man with so much potential. I am sure that he will go very far in life.

His sister arrives from Nashville on Tuesday night. So, we're all going to be having a relatively quiet Christmas here at home. My daughter in El Salvador won't be here....but we'll have her in our thoughts.

The wind is howling outside...it is very late.....and I'm writing this in the glow of my Christmas Tree. I have my house....my health, the love of my children, and my parents are doing well at the moment. Mom is going through yet another round of chemo treatments...her spot on her lung has reduced from 4 centimeters to 1.5 centemeters. The doctors see no other evidence of cancer in any other spot of her body.

Due to the schedule that my children are on....I can't break away to be with my parents. But I do plan to go be with them during the Innauguration weekend when the extra 4 million or so visitors all descend on Washington. YIKES. I don't want to be here for all that. It's gonna be a madhouse.

Yeah....my life is not perfect...but whose is?

The only thing that would make my life better would be if Mr. Wonderful appeared....and he and I both knew that we were the ones for each other.

But for the moment, he is not here. However, my parents are both living. My children are here.

And I sit here typing this message to all of my dear friends in blogdom.

Counting my many blessings...

I've included a picture of my tree for you to see my decorating job. Your comments are always welcome!

Rainy Nights and Anniversaries

Twenty-seven years ago tonight was my wedding rehearsal. My parents were here. I was 23 years old and embarking on a new adventure. One that took my breath away...one that I considered from every angle.

With youthful abandon and immaturity, I thought I was doing the right thing. My religious background told me that I could and should change my underlying attractions to men.

But, if you are a constant reader of this blog you know that all my best efforts failed.

So here, on a rainy cold evening, 27 years after my wedding rehearsal, I am still recovering from the divorce....and getting used to living alone.....and plotting my own course.

It's on anniversaries like this that I can look back and realize just how far I have come. I'm not totally down....I'm not depressed and consumed by the what ifs.

I'm just looking at the experience as one that brought about phenomenal growth. It also allowed me to have my children.

So here I am.

Reasonably happy.

But full of reflection.

It's SATURDAY!

I am so happy that the weekend is here.

It has been such a long and emotionally draining week, it's just nice to be able to sit in the quiet solitude of my house ande catch my breath.

Got some very disturbing news about my mother this week. The chemo has messed with her kidneys and they are on the verge of failure. She has one more round of chemo beginning on Monday...so I hope that she is able to recover from all this fairly quickly.

I suppose it is just one more thing to worry about.

It really is quite frightening actually. So, what I am trying to do is to take it all a day at a time....and to breathe...and cross each hurdle as they come.

I've spoken with all my kids. Jessica is doing well back in her home in El Salvador. Her trip has madeher a bit homesick, but that should be expected. Laura is looking forward to being home for Christmas....and Josh is planning on staying here for two weeks around Christmas. In the meantime I have to clean the house, put up the Christmas Tree, do my Christmas cards, and shop.

WOW!

So it is all going to be one day at a time!

A Non-Stop Day

I was up until 1am last night trying to get Jessica ready for her early morning flight today. She didn't get to bed until after 3am. We both arose at 5am and I had her at Dulles by six.

Needless to say, I am totally worn out.

My job has kept me so very busy. This was a good thing. It kept me from experiencing an over abundance of the blues now that she has gone.

This evening I have practically lived on the telephone. Jessica arrived at her village safely. Her sister called to see if I was depressed about her leaving. She was pleasantly surprised that I wasn't "bad."

Friends called me about dinner tomorrow night.....about church on Sunday....... This entire weekend is totally booked for me. I can't believe how busy it is....here at the holidays!

I have to get the house clean again and the tree decorated and installed. I want my house to look festive and ready for a celebration.

I've spoken with mom....and she seems to be fine for now. Her last chemo treatments are scheduled for next week. She gets a scan tomorrow of her entire body to see how the chemo has dealt with the lung cancer.

So, it promises to be a full holiday season.

The Return

Jessica returns to the Peace Corps and to El Salvador tomorrow.

I am bummed.

It has done me such a world of good to be with her the past 3 weeks. The time has absolutely flown by. I look around and say, "Where did all that time go?"

In my discussions with her, I have learned that contrary to Lovey's earlier assertions about her staying another year in El Salvador, Jessica is only considering the possibility of extending. She misses her home. She misses her room. She misses hanging out with me.

It is so tempting to add some guilt to those thoughts or to apply subtle pressure for her to return here.

But I don't.

I want her to be happy and to work at building a life that will make her very happy.

On the way back from visiting my folks, I had to stop with Jessica to see Lovey in her home in the lovely Shenandoah Valley.

Even after all this time, it still takes something out of me to be around her. I left feeling extremely drained and experiencing those old familiar feelings of hurt and inadequacy.

I always feel like the bad guy....and feel like I am the reason for so much pain and unhappiness in Lovey's life.

Silly, I know -- especially given the fact that we will have been formally separated for four years come June 9th.

After all this time.....and all this pain, I miss her and the life we once had.....

I still have feelings for her....

And I know...I'm queer.

But being in Lovey's house....with my daughter, was like picking the scab off of a fresh wound.

It hurts.

A Collage of Memories

Long ago and far away my mother and I had a very special bonding moment. She told me that I needed to learn to look around my world and actively remember it. She said that I could remember feelings and smells and how things felt.

This was a valuable lesson that I made a point of passing on down to my children.

I haven’t checked with them lately to see if they still remember our discussion, but I remember the one I had with my mother rather vividly.

Since that time, I have remembered great moments in my family’s history. Taking moments in time and filing them away has become second nature to me and I do it automatically. It’s as if my mind knows the types of things I should do this for, and it just happens.

For example, I remember watching JFK’s funeral on TV from start to finish. I remember Neil Armstrong’s first footsteps on the moon, my children’s birth’s, the first time I saw my son Josh, my wedding day, my daughters’ graduations from high school and college, etc.

I remember the good and the bad.

I remember smells – the aroma of my mother’s biscuits and gravy cooking in the kitchen, the scent of her signature perfume, the baby smell of each of my children, and the smell of death when my grandmother died following a long illness.

I remember touch – the feeling of security sitting high on my father’s lap and feeling his strong muscular arms holding me – the hugs of both my parents – the touch of loved one’s hand on mine.

All of these memories are a vast collage that enriches my life immensely.

This weekend was filled with moments to remember and to file away for future enjoyment. I got to spend time with my beautiful mother…..even as she battles cancer, she still holds on to her inner radiance. I got to experience her hugs and her tears. I got to feel her hands in mine….and just being able to hold and to comfort her.

I still hear the laughter and the giggles from my daughters. Nothing has changed from when they were a lot younger. When we are all together, we always have something to laugh about.

I also hear my daddy laughing and see him as we played 500 Rummy and watched him lovingly care for my mother.

Ah yes, moments frozen in time.

They will always be there when I need to reflect upon them.

Being Thankful

I had several long discussions with my mother yesterday via telephone. She sounded strong and like the old mom. This was such an encouragement to me since she has had to endure so much. Earlier in the week she was complaining about the chemo and the fact that she was going to stop it because it was useless.

I told her that she shouldn't give up...that she only had one more chemo treatment to endure. After that, I said, you can decide what to do.

Well, she calmed a bit. Yesterday they did a full body scan to determine what her body is doing and how the cancer is reacting to the chemo....and to the radiation that she has endured. Her new hip is great! She is walking now without a cane, crutch or walker. On top of this she is all excited about cooking Thanksgiving Dinner!

Both my daughters will be with me at the Thanksgiving Table. It means more than I can say having them there.

So, tomorrow, I will be making my journey to West Virginia. The girls will be traveling from Nashville and meet me there.

On Thursday we will pause to give thanks for all the blessings we have experienced this year: mom's successful hip replacement, the chemo treatments, the radiation treatments, the girls' success, my health, and the fact that we are all together yet another time!

These last few years I have learned so much. For instance, I've learned that as a young man I took so much for granted -- even at times when I thought I was being sincerely thankful for my blessings.

I really didn't know how to be satisfied with the little things.

But now I am.

I thank God for every breath I take...for every breath my loved ones are permitted to take....

I am especially thankful this year.

A Reported Death

One of my dear friends wrote me this note:

Dear Frank

I stumbled across the above obituary on Sunday night while reading the newspaper. What caught my eye is that the guy graduated from the same high school in the same hometown as me. When I mentioned it to my mom this morning on the phone, she said that when she read about his death in the newspaper recently, she thought that he might have died "from the AIDS" because years ago, the newspaper had a committment ceremony announcement for this guy and his male partner. My mom is a friend of this guy's mother, and it turns out that this brilliant young man had killed himself when his reconcilliation with his ex-partner had crumbled. They'd dissolved their civil union in back in 2005.

My mom tells me that the grieving mother hurts so badly that she hasn't been able to return to work. Although I don't know the deceased (he was eight years my junior), I can certainly relate to the horrible sense of pain and feelings of worthlessness surrounding the end of a long-term relationship. How sad it must be to reconcile with an ex, only to have that effort fail and then go through the pain of breaking up all over again. Perhaps it's just the connection to my hometown, or the eerie fact that my mom is friends with his mom - for whatever reason, I keep thinking about how sorry I feel for everyone involved in this senseless tragedy.


I certainly relate to these feelings of worthlessness at the end of a longterm relationship too. My one comfort is that I made it through the demise of my marriage. It was a very long journey. At times I thought I'd not get through it. But I did.

I continue to grow stronger.

I saw this growth first hand over the weekend.

In a very big way...

Lovey had me over to her mother's to help her and her family celebrate the holidays on behalf of our daughter Jessica. It was very interesting to be in their midst yet another time...but it was also rather relaxing to know that while I was there....the roles had changed and I was a guest. I wasn't expected to be "on" or to put up with a lot of the stuff I once felt that I had to.

There is something to be said for living a quiet, peaceful and single existence. It's quiet and really very relaxing. You don't have to worry about the demise of a relationship.

So, as I sit here...contemplating my singleness....dealing with the occasional swells of longing for a special man.....I am learning to be content in all things.

Today.

Thank You!

Thanks to all of you who have written to me backchannel to express your support for me. I know you're there and I feel your love and support, but I feel that I really need to clarify an additional point on this blog.

Picture it as a look into my head and how I analyze things. This is an opportunity for me to express my deepest thoughts, fears, and secret longings and perceptions. You, who read this, are privy to things that my closet friends and colleagues are not. This is not a sterile document.

It's raw.

It's unfiltered.

It's me...warts and all.

Monday

Today is my normal day off from the office, but I decided to save some leave and move this day off to Wednesday. Then take a day off on Friday.

I'm headed to my parents' house in WV on Wednesday. Jessica is leaving to visit her sister in Nashville tonight. They will drive up to WV on Wednesday evening. We'll all be together through Sunday. So it will be grand to spend time with my parents and to visit with both my "little girls" for a while at Thanksgiving.

I have so very much to be thankful for. I'm relatively healthy. I have my children. I have my dog....and I have stuff that helps me to survive from day-to-day.

Nothing new to report on my latest crush. I perceive there to be no real interest there and it is all one sided. (My side.) This is okay. After all, I'm very new to the dating thing and I am totally ignorant about it all.

I'm learning.

Perhaps one day I will meet the man of my dreams and I will have the good sense to know it's him when I do.

In the meantime, I need to focus my energy on my parents, my children, and my life.

Getting it all in order.

Wee Hours Monday Morning

This has been a very full weekend. Jessica has been in and out doing her thing...and I have been busy doing mine. I've gotten several things done around my house...I've checked in with my mother and father. I spent all day today in church.

It has been nonestop.

But it has been just the way that I like it...busy and productive.

I went to my old church this morning and got to see a number of my "old" friends. Gee it was so good to see all of them. They were warm and friendly.

Then I went to the church that I am now a member of. It's always good to see my friends there. Jessica got to meet a number of them. She really did enjoy the service and I am so glad.

We also have had time to talk about serious personal issues. Some that have bothered her for a while...and some that have bothered me for a while.

Gosh I miss not having her around.

I also met some new guys this weekend, some of which were so incredibly good looking. I was my jovial and friendly self. So, I'm not sure if there were any attractions at all. Aw...I'm not too worried about all that. One day I may find someone.....but it ain't happening at this time in my life....for whatever reason and I will continue moving forward.

I can'ty really spend so much time obsessing about it. All I'm doing is obsessing less and observing more -- watching potential boyfriends from afar and watching how they handle various situations.

Some have been a total turnoff and others are the exact opposite.

So, perhaps I'll never get what I want in a mate.

I'm learning to be okay with the fact that I may never find him.

Self Pity?

Let me get something clear for my critics out there:

The purpose of this blog is not to paint rosy picture upon rosy picture of my life. It is not air brushed. I am not perfect.

I use this blog as a means to process my feelings....whatever they are -- right or wrong.

I am sorry if you feel that my writings make me somewhat unattractive...but this blog is one of the few safe places that I have where I can let the ugly out.

If you can't deal with it...go read something else!

Plain and simple!

A Cold Fall Day

It's a cold day and I am afraid that my mood is matching the weather.

My daughter, Jessica, arrived home from El Salvador on Friday night as planned, but she is sick as can be! She's been home for almost a week now, and it hasn't been much fun having her around. Poor thing is miserable, but she won't take her meds as directed because they don't taste good. I'm frustrated.

On top of this, I'm not getting much quality time with her because of the family on the other side. They have all descended upon her like vultures demanding pieces of her time. This includes the delightful Lovey, who is also playing doctor.

Inside I am very resentful.

Lovey spent over a week with her in El Salvador at the beginning of this year for goodness sakes. I've not seen her in almost two WHOLE years! Due to the fact of everyone else being on my payroll, I can't afford a trip to El Salvador for extensive one-on-one time.

The dentist even got some good quality time with her!

Then, coming into my office this morning I had a long discussion with my mother. Bless her heart. She is so discouraged about her chemotherapy, her illness, her lack of strength, and everything in general. She doesn't want anymore chemo.

I tried to put on a positive front. I told her that she at least should finish her scheduled treatments and see what the next scan reveals about her lungs before making any grand prounouncements of discontinuing the chemo.

So, yet again, I think I have succeeded in keeping mom on even keel.

I feel so helpless.

AND...

I know....here comes my standard whining mantra...:

I feel so very ALONE.

I suppose I am thankful for the near misses I have encountered recently of men who have shown some interest. But none of those worked out in the end. It's so frustrating....and so hurtful.... I am now paranoid about any man that is nice to me because I'm wondering if he is "interested" or just being "nice."

One man in particular is someone that I really longed to be with. He seemed to have some qualities that I really liked. I could be a good mate for him. I know it. I am familiar with his profession....and could provide encouragement in ways that I don't think he is even aware of.

But, alas, he has someone else.

I'm the chopped liver.

He is clueless.

Still, I try to remain optimistic.

The new guy that I mentioned in my last post continues to be "interesting." He and I shared a meal a couple of days ago. He's intelligent, nice looking, and a professional. He says that he wants to get to know me better. I expressed the same interest. He's been very busy...and we're making plans, quietly to share another meal and do some talking.

Stay tuned everyone!

Will Frank EVER find a mate?

Such a Long Day!

First, let me say that I had a great weekend. I got a lot of stuff done...including painting my front door where the dog had scratched the paint off of it. I got rid of about 6 bags of garbage. Cleaned out my closets. Shampooed my rugs. Identified clothing that needed to go to Salvation Army. Got the tags for my new car. Talked to all of my children.

AND...

my daughter in El Salvador comes home for three weeks beginning this Friday.

I am just so VERY excited. I don't know what to do!

Life continues to go on....and on....and on.

But there has been an interesting wrinkle.

A new man has appeared in my life. Well, actually, he has been in my life for a good little while....but he and I seem to be noticing each other more.

So perhaps I'll have something to tell in the next few weeks.

I won't have to camouflage....or hide....

I'm at least a little hopeful...

More later...

Friday Morning

What a week.

Each day at the office has been an experience. I seem to hit the floor running....and it doesn't stop until I pry myself away from the place late into the evenings.

My dog hardly recognizes me!

So, today I'm going to write about the negative experiences I have faced this week as a middle-aged pathetic gay man!

Yup, that's how I feel right now based on the fact that I have been outright rejected.....I've been replaced......and I've been forgotten. These experiences have not left me in my "happy" place. 'm finding myself bitter, cynical, and feeling like there is no use to try and find someone special...simply because I don't fit the gay stereotype of being twenty-two, blond, buff, and somewhat empty between the ears.

It's so tiring to meet people....and feel and see their interest wither before one's very eyes.

Aw, one of my friends has advised me to remain positive.

Well, I try.

But having three negative experiences in one week is a bit much for me to handle in addition to facing my mom's illness.....and the ex whining in the background.

Yeah, Lovey reared her head again this week. She was mad with me because my credit union still lists her on my credit report as a co-owner on my credit card. This is something that I have attempted to take care of on at least three separate occasions....each time I am assured that she is off the account, only to find that she has not been taken off.

It's amazing.....and makes one wonder if it is due to ineptness in the financial institutions such as this that has helped to put our country in the financial mess it currently finds itself in.

(Didn't I tell you that I was going to be writing negatively..)

Finally, the experience that really takes the cake is this one: I joined another one of those online dating sites in hopes of finding Mr. Right. Well, I've gotten all kinds of hits to my profile and lots of email messages from folks of all ages. It has really served to balance out some of the negativity I've had......at least it did until I heard from BOZO in Brazil.

BOZO wrote to tell me how hot I was. He is not so bad himself. He then told me that he was going to move to my area from Brazil. I responded by saying something like "Wow!"

He took offense at that innocent remark.....and ripped me up one side and down the other.

I wrote him back and said, "Aren't you overreacting a bit?"

He then lectured me about not allowing him to do what he wanted to do.

I responded by saying, "What am I doing to stop you from doing anything you want to do with your life?

He then writes all apologetic and asks if we can start again?

Good Lord!

So, as you can see, I need this to be Friday. I have a four-day weekend that I will be using to get prepared for my daughter, who returns from El Salvador for a visit one week from tonight. I have much to do...including some time for me to relax....and to calm down and prepare for next week.

This too shall pass!

President Obama

WOW!

The election was something.

Here we sit on the brink of a new era -- full of hope and promise.

I hope now that things can totally begin a turnaround.

We'll see.

A Broken Chemistry Set?

I have given gay dating more thought.

I've also read the comments I have received on my last post and reflected upon them too.

The guy that I had the date with earlier in the week, (let's refer to him as "Mr. Wonderful) was an interesting guy. I didn't feel any "magic" with him. He is certainly not life partner material for me...I know that. So his apparent rejection of me was no great loss.

BUT...

I see something in the world of gay dating that is very common and I just can't figure it out.

I have come to the conclusion that if a guy tells you: "Aw...if we don't have chemistry, we can still be friends. One can never have enough friends" that things are going to go south if he doesn't find that "chemistry" and the friendship will indeed be non existent.

So, why waste the breath to say all that when you know that you're not going to follow through?

I have met so many men who have had similar experiences. It's almost as if gay men can't be friends with anyone that they wouldn't have the "hots" for.

It's beyond me.

One of my commenters said that I'm going to have to kiss a lot of frogs before I find my prince.....and to view their rejection of me as their loss.

I try to remember all that as I meet people...and the chemistry is not there on either side.

But I've got to tell you, at times I wonder what the deal is? What am I doing wrong to experience such rejection on a grand scale? Am I that unattractive? Is my chemistry set broken? Do I not have any chemistry to offer anyone?

It's all so very silly. Perhaps one day I will become lucky in love and truly find someone that is wonderful in all respects.

In the meantime, I have to trudge throuh the swamp of life alone encountering all those frogs.

ICK.

Frank Goes Out On a Date

It's a miserable, rainy night outside. It's dark and gloomy. But, I'm headed to a friend's house to view the election returns....and have dinner. It should be a good group of guys to spend time with.

On the mom front: she seems to be doing much, MUCH better. The nausea has evaporated. When I talked to her last evening she was cooking dinner for my dad in her kitchen. This is the first time she has done this in over two months. She sounded much like her old self. I was glad to hear it in her voice.

She also told me that her last remaining sister-in-law died yesterday afternoon. She was in her mid-90s, had been ill for quite sometime... So, her death came as a relief to many.

On my front...I have launched into the deep and started "dating". Yup...I've kissed off the office guy as a very lost cause. There is no reason to believe that he was ever seriously interested in me. So I have totally backed away....regardless of the fact that he still sends mixed signals....kisses and hugs.

In my research, I found another dating site. This one is for older gay men and "their admirers." Since I am "older"...I decided that it would be good open up my horizons. My other dating ads just don't seem to work.

So, I put another out there on this particular site. I've had almost 200 hits....and a host of emails and what are referred to as "gropes" by older men....and younger men in their early 20s. (Who knew?)

One particular guy was eager to meet me. To be honest, when I have a man that is that eager...I have warning bells go off in my head...and I just know it is isn't going to work out.

Last night's "date" was not a disappointment.

It was nice....and all.....and we talked and got to know one another a little. But when I got up to leave...I could feel that this wasn't really going to head any where. He did give me a hug. So, that's nice.

But no email follow ups....or phone calls or anything. I did write him to thank him for dinner and the nice evening. I wasn't going to be a clod about things.

It's almost funny.

I mean.

I meet a man...or develop a crush on someone because of the mixed signals I receive. Either they are gracious and warm and then I never hear from them again.....or I get dumped.....or the mixed signals happen and nothing really happens. That "next" step or next level just never seems to happen.

The last time I checked I didn't have an extra eye in my forehead....or horns sticking up out of my head...... It makes me wonder what in the heck I'm doing so wrong.


This shouldn't be so hard.....but I'm finding it very difficult.

I hope you all voted today. If not, please do.

Discouragement Continues

Talked with mom this evening....and although she feels some better.....she is still very discouraged....and depressed and not feeling well.

It absolutely kills me to hear her be so out of it.

Discouragement

Mother is horribly discouraged.

The chemotherapy is making her very, very ill. Her hair is falling out. She's terribly frail.

AND, she's noticing that people are treating her differently. "There's pity in their eyes," she said last night. She doesn't like that and it makes her a bit edgy.

She even has questioned why it is that she needs to go through the trauma of chemo.

I tried to be encouraging.

"You're passed the half-way point, Mom," I said. "Hang in there just a little longer."

I also told her to promise me that she would call me anytime day or night when she got discouraged. I reminded her that I am here for her....and that if she needs me to run home...I will literally drop everything and come home.

She won't hear of it.

BUT, she did promise to call me.

I call her several times every day to see how she is doing. I tell her each time we talk how much I love her and how much she means to me. I also ask if there is anything she needs for me to do.....

She says that just hearing my voice is enough.

Gosh I hate this.

Why does this have to happen NOW?

Does A Paradigm Need To Shift?

I had dinner with a very special man last night.

He and I have been friends since the middle of June and we enjoy each other's company. Although he and I have been friends for only a few months, there is a connection with him that puts me at ease and I feel that I can share basically anything with him and he will listen and offer some words of wisdom.

Last night, he and I scheduled some time for dinner and to walk around a mall. The majority of the time, he and I talked and talked about everything. I shared with him about my mother.....my love life (or lack thereof)....my fears....my secret longings.

He, too opened up and shared some of his life story

He has always been gay and has been involved in a number of relationships. Currently he is single.

I asked him what he thought did gay relationships in more than anything else. He told me that he thought it was the lack of honest and sincere communication.

I asked him about the whole monogamy issue. He is for open relationships.

This is where the discussion got really interesting. I said that I felt that monogamy makes a relationship "special" and that if it is an open relationship, one runs the risk of causing it to be diluted and to make it lose its specialness.

He then said that his view of relationships was different. He believss that one can have an open relationship and then have a primary relationship where you "come home" to it....and draw your strength from it. "Too many gay men in relationships live in the future....rather than enjoying the moment now!" he said. "If a couple lives in the here and now and love and live....the future will take care of itself. It's not necessarily good to drop the heterosexual model onto a gay relationship."

So, I found myself just sitting there....dumbfounded.

I'd never heard things discussed like this before.

So, it has now made me wonder if I need to rethink what I have desired for so long: a gay male who was only interested in me and that we could live our lives together exclusively and grow old together.

Is this truly realistic in gay relationships though?

I sighed after our discussion and said, "Gee these gay relationships are so hard."

He smiled, and agreed.

I drove him home and he hugged and kissed me goodnight.

Monday Morning -- The Wee Hours

I have had quite a weekend so far. Saturday I was in the depths of despair. I was blue about my mother.....I missed my kids......I looked around my house and could see all the ghosts of my past life parading from room to room. I turned down several social engagements so I could just stay by myself and brood.

There is no other way to describe my feelings on that cold, gloomy, dark, drizzly fall day here in the Washington DC metro.

I actually sat down and went over in my mind all the bad things that have happened...or that were continuing to happen in my life. It wasn't pretty and I'm not proud to be sharing it.

But there you have it.

There were some other personal upheavals that I had to deal with on Wednesday evening late....but I won't go into all that. Suffice it to say that I have put everything back into perspective...and with the assistance of my constant companion, Davy, the wonder dog (cocker spaniel), I will survive another day.

This morning I went to church for the first time in eons. I felt really bad about having been gone....but between the work in my office...and going to West Virginia.....and having some private time, well, there just wasn't enough hours in the day. This morning I made it just in time for the beginning of the morning service. I got to see a number of my friends....and they all hugged me....and let me know that they were thinking of me.....and that they had been praying for my mom.

Their constant mantra was "Keep the faith...there is always hope."

This is what I am trying to do.

****************

I've thought a lot about the post I made last week where I talked about Lovey....and how alone I felt in dealing with my mom and my dad....and how at times I felt overwhelmed.

One of you wrote and asked if having Lovey back in her previous capacity would really make things better....

Honestly...the answer to that is no -- a resounding NO!

But after having read all the other comments, I think that one of the things that I am longing for more than anything right now is having someone who can be there for me during all the difficult days and months ahead. I would love to have someone who was available to "take care of me."

Aw...I'm not saying I'm codependent or anything as severe as that. I do wish I had a strong shoulder to lean on....or to sob into....or to have some very strong arms to entwine around me during those frightening moments of uncertainty. Someone that I can bounce ideas off of..... Someone to say, "I'm here. You're doing fine."

This would mean all the world to me.

But for whatever reason....it seems that I am alone. Even though I've had a few near misses lately.....of people expressing interest.....but then for whatever reason not following through......it seems that I am to face all these things alone.

I don't like it.

But what am I gonna do?

God knows.....why all this is happening.....and why....I am alone.

I'm Back!

Sorry to have been gone so long. I was in West Virginia checking on my parents. Then, I was caught having to work some erratic hours because of some pressing matters at the office and tonight, I returned from a 3-day conference in Baltimore with my office, only to return home and have to work on some office projects while trying to settle down from my trip!

Mom appears to be doing okay...considering all that she has had to endure thus far. She has grown quite frail.....and now her hair is beginning to fall out. She is keeping a positive spin on things and has gotten herself some snazzy wigs to make her keep her foxy appearance. She keeps her fingernails polished and she has decided to continue eating like a horse. She's not throwing up or anything like that. However she does feel a bit nauseated at times, at which point she takes her anti-nausea meds....and lies down.

Dad continues to be her number one care giver and he loves taking good care of her.

I just worry about them.

It bothers me because I'm not closer in proximity to where they live....or that I'm not able to swoop in on them more frequently.

At times I feel like this all is just way too much for me to handle alone. But what choices do I have?

I'm an only child.

My wife ditched me.

She doesn't even call my parents to check on them. (And she wonders why they don't want her to come to join us on holidays? This is another dramatic story that I will save for another time.)

I feel just so alone.

And it's all so very scary.

Dinner With Friends

Last night I had an impromptu dinner with two very dear friends.

Following a very long and stressful day, I needed to be around someone that cared about me....and where I could let down my hair.

So, I jumped at the chance to go and have fun for a few hours.

One of them, who hadn't seen me in a while, kept telling me how wonderful I looked. He detected a change about me. I kidded him and said, "See what a weekend with your EX wife can do for you!"

We all laughed.

But,I sat down when I got home and started thinking about what he had said..... I suppose I look different because I feel different about me. I'm relaxed. I'm not trying to prove anything to anyone. I'm just enjoying my life....and trying to figure out how to spend more time with my parents, my children and my friends because I appreciate each second.

My one friend kept me in stitches as he was recounting for my other friend about how much fun we had at the beach this past summer. Gosh, it was so good to laugh and think about those wonderful memories.

I pray that I have many more such memories to make.

Who knows? Next year I may be able to make some more wonderful memories with someone very special.

More on Ray Boltz

As a result of my posting yesterday of the Ray Boltz concert in Indiana from 3 weeks ago, I have had a substantial increase in the number of visits to this site. I also did a check to see where they were coming from...and as I did that search, I came across some really vile postings on other sites by so-called Christians.

Don't get me wrong. I am all for people being able to believe what they want. After all, this is the cornerstone of our government. But, it really does bother me to see these pious "saints" discussing a topic that obviously they have no first hand knowledge about....assuming that just because they are straight, God made EVERYBODY that way....then saying that people like Ray Boltz.....and (HORRORS) me.....are "doomed"....and that we are consumed by lust.....that we are deceived.....and one person on their wonderful site even went so far that Boltz now has mental problems. One lady even said he has hooked up with that "church that Troy Perry, the Pentecostal Snake Handler started."

God help me please!

Why must everyone get all vitriolic? And be so fearful?

So, I got all bent out of shape....and decided to write the attached note to the Christians out there. Bear with me....I don't mean to get all "preachy".
************

An Open Letter To My Fellow Christians:

Look, there is nothing wrong with people like us following our natural programming to love someone who has likeminded programming.

There is NO agenda!

My loving a man shouldn't affect YOUR straight marriage. (Unless of course, your husband is another person like me who has tried to conform to societal norms. And he reaches the point of deciding to accept himself.)

Being homosexual is no more about lust than being heterosexual is.

There are extremes in the homosexual community just as much as there are extremes in the heterosexual community.

We are NOT out to recruit others!

We are NOT child molesters!

We are every day people from all walks of life. We work. We pay our taxes. We live our lives.

Why shouldn't we be permitted to have a partner in our lives that we can love, honor and cherish?

I'm Christian...just like you. I believe in Jesus and that He died on the cross for my sins. But where we differ is that while the Bible may be inspired by God, it does not mean that people who wrote the submissions that appear therein went into trances, then used automatic writing as God dictated it thousands of years ago, for me here today.

If you're gonna attack Ray Boltz about this issue....and accuse him of being mentally unbalanced.....or crucify him because of his divorce.....then give those hefty gosepl performers equal time because of their out of control eating.......or some of those singers' who have been married more than once......or other's problems with consumption of alcohol....or the straight preachers who have "girlfriends" and wives.

I, for one, am tired of being told about how bad I am....just because in my mid-life, I was forced to face my orientation...head-on. I am now divorced. All this flies in the face of what you've taught me all my life..... And after all the change ministries....ex-ministries....prayer....fasting......and demons being cast out of me.....God did not change me. I have accepted that.

And you know what? I finally feel that I am the man that God now wants me to be. He's confirmed that I'm on the path He has set before me.

So, in the end, your screaming and preaching at me isn't going to change me and all my screaming and preaching at you isn't going to change you. Let's just realize this isn't going away. It isn't going to change. But let's learn to live with each other and tolerate each other. Then, in the end, let's see what awaits us in the hereafter.

God is certainly big enough to decide....fairly....and justly.

And I can certainly live with that knowledge.

Can you?

Sometimes I Wonder....

Sometimes I wonder if I am too much of a nice guy.

Oh, I can be a real bear when I want to. I can get cranky....my temper can get the best of me.... If I'm not feeling well, that can cause me to be especially irritable.

But for the most part, I try to be easy going, kind, loving and gentle.

I guess that's why I wonder if I am too nice sometimes.

For example, this weekend Lovey wanted to film her serving communion at one of her churches, and her sermon, to be able to submit with her ordination paperwork that is due in mid-December. (Oddly enough on our 27th Wedding Anniversary to be precise.) So, she asked if I could help her.

I agreed to this back in the summer...and did it on the first Sunday in September. She was not happy with her performance.

She then asked if I would come up the first weekend in October.

I agreed to that too.

What's wrong with me?

I should know better.

Being with her like that is emotionally draining. It's like picking at an old sore. It never heals.

So, today I return to the office., having spent a busy weekend in the Shenandoah Valley of Virginia and awakening this morning a bit drained emotionally. AND..haunted by the might-have-beens. I was reminded once again of all the plans I had made. You see, I turned 50 this year, and I had planned to retire early and to move to where she was in ministry....get a job....and just live my life as a support to her and her ministry. But now, because of the divorce, I'm gonna have to work another 20 years at least to recoup what the settlement cost me in my retirement.

I reminded her of this plan during one of our more serious conversations. (She said she had forgotten.)

The insidious part of being gay is the fact that you try so hard to change.....you do everything you know to play by society's norms..... What's the result?

Failure!

From the start.

Colossally so.

Then I am forever haunted by it.

I was surfing the web the other day and came across a Ray Boltz concert from about 3 weeks ago that was video taped by Jesus MCC in Indiana. It was the first concert he gave since coming out...and it has really spoken volumes to me...in a spiritual way. He does a song entitled "I TRIED" that sums up my feelings and the thoughts I have dealt with. I can't wait for his new album...hopefully that will be on it. Give it a listen. The link to the entire concert is below...but listen for I TRIED. All his music is fantastic....even the old songs like THANK YOU......and THE ANCHOR HOLDS. Enjoy!


Ray Boltz in Concert from Jesus MCC on Vimeo.

Another Busy Day

I like busy days at the office. It makes the time go by quickly and I feel like I have accomplished stuff.

I absolutely despite the days where there is nothing for me to do. It seems like the day will never pass....and I feel guilty when I'm not doing something worthwhile.

But this was not one of those days. I have practically worked nonstop all day long.

On the personal front, it's a bit interesting in that I have not heard a peep from the celebrity that I wrote of two postings ago. No simple "Hi" or "How are things going?"

My brief notes of "How are things?" are ignored.

So I try not to let it bother me. But on some levels it does.

Oh well.

*****************************

On another front, that gospel singer who came out, Ray Boltz, has apparently shook up things in the rabidly evangelical Christian Community. I did a google search on his name...and got a sermon entitled, "Is Ray Boltz Going to Hell?"

I find this sermon so stupid. The unidentified preacher (and if I had preached such a message, I would not want people to know I had preached such a sermon myself.) opened with a comment (I paraphrase), "I don't know Ray Boltz, and really don't care about his life, one way or the other..." Well, sir, if that was the case, then why did you spend 45 minutes talking about him to your church congregation?

Folks are so good at demonizing us gay folks. They harp on the "sin of homosexuality"....and eliminate us from their ranks whenever possible. But did anyone ever preach about the "sin of gluttony" or title sermons, "Is Vestal Goodman Going to Hell?" just because she was fat?

Aw c'mon everyone.

Let's allow God to be the righteous judge that he is. He will judge fairly.

To Get You Caught Up on My Mom

Mother has now had three chemo treatments.

She went to the beauty parlor on Saturday and decided to get all pretty.... She had her hair cut and styled. She said, "If my hair is gonna fall out, it's gonna hit the floor in style!"

On Monday, she got up.....painted her finger nails (they're long and pretty) bright red.....she put on her OIL OF OLAY....(She said, "I don't want to get all shriveled up like Tammy Faye."), put on her diamond ear rings and went for her first trip. They gave her two bags of chemo drugs, followed by anti-nauseating meds. On her way home, she stopped by Wendy's and ate a large chili.

On Tuesday, she got up, felt foxy. Got her self all prettied up again.....went...and had her two bags of chemo. Asked the technician, "How does the medicene going into my right hand know to go to the top of my left lung to get the cancer. After all, there's nobody there giving directions!" The technicians were amazed that: a) she was not sick or anything from the chemo and b) that she has such a wonderful sense of humor! She went home that day and did laundry.

On Wednesday, she got up, felt foxy. Got herself all prettied up again....went and had her two bags of chemo. Every place was taken and she was surrounded by bald, sick people that "looked like they were ready to check out," she said. Their color was bad and just seemed so miserable she said. So there she was....with her red nail polish, her tastefully appointed lipstick.....and she sat and relaxed. She got two more bags of chemo. When done, she got up...and they stopped by a restaurant where she got herself a pepsi and had a hot dog with onions! Just then her physical therapist came for her final appointment. Mom walked her all over the house and even went up the steps to her second level....and did so with one foot right after the other...not one step at a time! Keep in mind that she had her hip replaced just six weeks ago and she is 74 years old! The therapist could not get over how well and fast she has recovered and that she is tolerating the chemo so well.

She called to tell me all about her adventures ....and the fact that she is so thankful at feeling so well. She's giving all the credit to answered prayer!

Thanks for your loving support, warm thoughts and heartfelt prayers on her behalf...and for keeping me encouraged!

We Gay Men Are Sooooooooooo Fickle

Okay...I'm a 50 year old guy. Some twinks out there hear this and immediately would describe me as an "old troll".

Honestly I understand that.

After all, I'm not a gym bunny....I don't have a bubble butt......I don't have porn star looks....

But, in all honesty, I seem to be able to hold my own. There have been many handsome men who have floated through my life.....and my bed.

However, there is a certain caliber of flaky gay guy out there that I have never been quite able to understand.

Let me explain.

I enjoy people. I love to get to know people and learn from them. I also enjoy seeing the world through their eyes...and I strive to be a friend. This is because I know how difficult it is for some people to reach out....because I was there.

I have made a number of friends online....and they talk about the importance of friendship. But what amuses me most is that if there is no kind of attraction...some of them prefer the term chemistry....then there will be no friendship. NONE. NADA.

I have said to some guys, "Oh, I get it. You only have friends that you want to sleep with!"

They become indignant, but it's true.

Why is it so in the gay world?

I just don't know.

Recently I made what I thought was a good potential friendship with a well known personality in some circles. Sadly, when it became evident several years ago that he was in fact gay and he lost his family, he also lost his livelihood....and friends.

Through a various chain of events, he came into my sphere...and I began a correspondence with him. He bared his heart to me. (Since I was not a fan of his....and had been unfamiliar with him in his heydey....I made it clear that I was not starstruck....and that I wanted nothing from him....other than friendship.)


So, as a sign of trust and friendship....and because I knew what he looked like, I thought it would a nice touch to send a picture of me with my kids. This way it would make me seem more real....more human....and he could know that I was a genuine friend.

Boy, was I surprised.

The picture must have scared him to death because I've not heard from him since I sent the picture.

I guess I'm just another victim of..."I can't be friends with anyone I wouldn't want to have sex with!"

Another potential good friendship......down the tubes!

Wednesday Morning

I awoke this morning well before dawn.

It's one of those days where I felt like the weight of the world was sucking the life right out of me as I lay in my bed. It's hard to describe....but that's why I woke up so early.

So I used the time to send some email to friends....and to just pray and meditate. Right now I'm feeling better....and actually I don't have any reason not to be encouraged. Mother appears to be doing fine....Dad is fine....and all my children are well.

I just get kind of critical about myself...and pick at all my little flaws...and wonder why I am the way that I am. I guess this is the evil of being perfectionistic...because I want to be perfect in all my ways.

Hopefully today will be a good one.

UPDATE: Mother and Chemotherapy

Today was treatment #2 of 14 for mother.

She just called....all breathlessly excited.

She wanted me to know one important fact: she was still sitting and waiting to become sick and feeling rotten!

Over the weekend she and I talked a number of times. She was upset about the impending chemo...and worrying about what it would be like. By nature, she is a fighter and the eternal optimist. So on Saturday she went to the beauty shop and had her hair cut...and styled. She said that if her hair is going to fall out, it's gonna look good when it does. She painted her fingernails red....and shows up for her appointment all dressed up and in fine spirits.

She was in the midst of doing laundry when she called just now.

Gosh I hope and pray that this is not a negative experience for her and that she winds up feeling decent during the whole thing. They say she will be done by Thanksigiving. They're going to be monitoring her blood count closely....and doing some scans to see how the cancer is responding to the chemo.

I appreciate all your positive thoughts and prayers for all of us!

Private Longings of a Lonely Gay Man

Days like today are so tough.

It was rainy and gloomy the majority of the day. However, during early evening the clouds seemed to part and the blue sky appeared.

But nothing happened to improve my mood.

I spent my entire day cleaning the house and shampooing carpets. I want things to look half-way decent when the daughter from El Salvador comes for a visit. So we'll see.

As I went about my day cleaning, running the dishwasher, and just doing a multitude of chores, I couldn't help but think about my life and how far I have come. I'm pretty happy with how things have turned out. And those fits of sadness that used to do me in seem to have vanished for the most part.

However, left in its wake is a very strong need to connect with someone. Intimately.....emotionally....physically.....and just be in someone's presence who will just at times be there for nothing more than to hold me. OR....someone to let me lie down next to after a long day.....or to nap with on a lazy rainy Saturday or Sunday afternoon.

Oh I have said this a number of times.

You get the idea.

Spent some time with Mr. Office this afternoon. (Yeah, him!) Would you believe more mixed signals? The big lingering hug.....the peck on the lips......this time he snuggled up next to me as we sat close to one another......and then he turned and tried to tickle me. I'm not ticklish. But I turned around and did the same to me. For a few short minutes, I rested my head onhis shoulder.

It felt so right....and I felt so complete.

But there was nothing more from him. Nothing to encourage me to keep it there for long.........he didn't rub my neck....or run his hand through my hair. Nothing endearing.....nothing affectionate...really...

So, when we parted company this evening, it left me with a sense of sadness....of longing......of some emptiness.

Why are there such mixed signals with him? Is he playing me? Is he really trying to drive me crazy?

But I refuse to push it. I need the other guy to be the first one to make the move. I'm tired of doing that....only to do something silly....or to put my foot in it.....or make guys feel really uncomfortable.

I long to be held....to be someone's special someone.....to have someone come up and hold me....or kiss my cheek....or to feel like I can talk about anything....or say anything without someone correcting me or rebuking me as Lovey used to.

Maybe one day it will happen.

I need prayer..

30 Years and an Update from Mr. Office

I was summoned to the agency's Chief of Staff's Office yesterday afternoon!

It scared me for a moment because I wondered if I had screwed something up...or made someone mad....or did something not so good.

As I traveled up to the 9th Floor in my building, I ran all kinds of thoughts through my mind and as I reached the double doors of the Chief's outer office, I realized that I had done nothing wrong.

So, what could he want to see me about?

When I got into his office, he had this big grin on his face. He said, "Frank, you've been in government service for 30 years and I have some tokens to give to you for your career milestone."

With that, he walked over to his credenza and gave me a brand spanking new, shiny golden Bulova wristwatch with my name engraved on the back! I also was given a framed and matted certificate, a personalized letter from the head of the agency, and a golden eagle lapel pin!

Thirty years!

It's amazing to me.

But, here I am. At times I feel like I am as old as dirt. But, I'm still alive and kicking.

I'm actually thankful that I'm in such good health and spirits.

My name was also published in the agency newsletter citing my milestone. And wouldn't you know, Mr. Office sent me a congratulatory email!

He told me how much it made his day for me to be in his life.....and to know tht I'm around.

I saw him earlier in the week too....and got the holding hug.....and the kiss.....

Mixed signals galore....but I'm choosing to ignore them unless they become more pronounced.....and to take them at face value only.

He's a neat guy.....I think we'd be great together.......but that's just my thought.

Only he knows his!

Another One Comes Tumbling Out...

Times are a changing for sure. This time Clay Aiken, long-rumored to be queer, finally has admitted in a national magazine that he is in fact, gay.

Folks seem to be taking it well.

Good for him.

It’s all about being authentic folks.

Have You Heard The News?

Gospel Music Great, Ray Boltz, who has won countless Dove Awards and sold 4.5 million albums announced last Friday that he is gay. The news has set the evangelical Christian Community on its ear with many Web sites vowing that he is going to hell, and debating whether or not that God made him "that way."

I was amazed to hear this news myself. But then, given my story and my background, I know that it can happen to anyone. We all have our own paths to take and many of us choose to deal with this issue in a host of different ways. Sadly, those in Christian leadership who come out or who "fall" into this "temptation" are crucified, shunned or sent through the trap door directly out of Christian mainstream. (Just ask Ted Haggard.)

I've asked this question millions of times..... Why must Christians always shoot their wounded, eat their young, and kill those who are different. Why are Christians so afraid of homosexuals?

I proudly am a member of a very gay friendly congregation in Fairfax, VA. Yesterday at lunch I met three very young people. One was a 15 year old girl who identifies as an atheist...and she comes from a muslim background. The second was a young man who was 17 years old and is struggling to accept himself in spite of the fact that "God hates him." The third is a seasoned 20 years old who comes from a small town about 90 minutes away.

I was especially struck by the 17 year old who is genuinely suffering from the stigma of trying to be Christian, but still dealing with his "issues." I found my paternalistic nature rise up...and I dold him that God loves him more than he can imagine. That he should stop listening to all the noise around him and hearing what those other voices have to say about it and to tune into what God has to say. "You will be quite surprised," I said.

I am confident that God is grieved by all that is done in his name. The judgments pronounced; the hatred espoused; the laughter and mocking that is done. When will the Christians of all people learn to just let God be God. Let Him be the one to hand out judgment. Let people love who they want to.

Everyone gets their panties all knotted about this issue. No one is trying to turn anyone else gay. There are no massive gay agendas. We are not out to molest children.

We are adult men and women who should have ther right to express our love in a mature way with other adult men and women who have the same orientation. Plain and simple.

Everyone in Christian music: settle down and breathe deeply and relax. Ray Boltz has the right to live authentically, even in spite of the fact it may be contrary to your pretty little picture of how you think it should be. He is still the same man he has always been: the gifted and talented singer/songwriter/parent/man of God that he was created to be.

The only difference is that he is now able to live fully as he was meant to be. He's more peaceful. He's not tormented and he probably is finally off the antidepressants and is not sucidal.

My hat's off to you Ray. You're on a journey my friend. May you be able to enjoy the roses along the way

An Interesting Discussion

I've been a member of several online support groups for many years now. They have given me an outlet to express my frustrations and also to make a whole host of friends who are struggling with the issues I have and are currently facing. They are a tremendous source of strength and affirmation. I could not have made it without them!

In one of the discussions yesterday, I made the comment that I was looking forward to the day that I would have a special man in my life -- one that I would be faithful and monogamous with because I feel that I have a lot of pentup emotions that I will one day be free to express with "him."

I was rather taken aback by one person's response to me. He said that the mistake that a lot of ex-married men make is to try and have a monogamous relationship with a man. It's generally the kiss of death in such relationships and he advised that I seek an open or semi-open relationship. After all he opined, the real reason for a monogamous relationship is so that you can "bareback."

Well, this ignited a firestorm in the community. I was pleasantly surprised by the number of men who felt that a monogamous relationship was possible in a gay relationship....not for barebacking....but for emotional intimacy.

It was very interesting to see the various guys' take on the whole topic of monogamy. There were a good number though, who agreed with the "open" concept....so both sides were discussed very freely.

Perhaps I am a bit old fashioned here...but for me...it eems that if you throw open the boundaries of a relationship and allow it to be open like Grand Central Station, it negates the closenss and specialness of having ONE person in your life. Besides, I'm getting older and just don't have the energy to juggle multiple relationships.

So is it possible for gay men to be committed to only one person? I know a number of such relationships at my church and they are an inspiration to me.

Why do you suppose that a lot of men within the gay community have to have multiple partners in order to be happy?

My Secret Crushes: An Update on Mr. Office

Well, I heard from him today. He's been super busy with his job....and with all things that he is involved in. He sent me several emails...and none of them are something to write home about. So, I think I see where his interests lie...and I don't think they lie with me.

But, these days I seem to be in a different place than I was a month or so ago. I suppose when faced with a parent's mortality, it kind of puts your life into perspective. You see what is really important.

Romance is no longer at the top of my list. So, Mr. Office, while pleasant to look at and to spend time with....well, I just feel an emotional detachment from him.

Oh well.

So I'm not sure where I'm headed. I'm just trying to enjoy the journey and to not focus so much on the destination.

And Now It's Time for a HAPPY DANCE!

Mother had a doctor's appointment this morning. It was there that she would learn the results of her bone scan, her brain scan, and her PET scan. (For the unlearned, PET stands for Positron Emission Tomography.)

I dreaded hearing the results....because this morning I woke up in one of "those" moods where everything seemed wrong and the world is ending and I feel totally out of sorts. But around 10:30, I swallowed my fears and called mom to find out what had been told to her.

She answered the phone in a very chipper and happy way. She said, "The doctors have all agreed that my case is not nearly as bad as they at first thought!"

She certainly had my attention.

She went on to say that she was told that all these exotic tests revealed that her cancer was concentrated in the hip -- the one that broke. There was just a very small...teeny...tiny....spot on her left lung. But there is no evidence of cancer at any other place in her body! They are using radiation aggressively to kill those cancer cells that are in the hip....and they plan to follow up with chemotherapy for the lung. They may actually go into the lung and cut out the spot. But we will not know for sure until tomorrow when Mother visits with the oncologist.

She's happy.....and walking without the walker..... She is only relying on a crutch or a cane at the moment. Other than the weakness caused by the radiation, she says she is fine. Doubly so now that they have told her the good news.

I guess it ain't over until it is over!

So in the meantime, I'm gonna count my blessings.....talk to my mom as often as I can....and go visit her when possible.

And savor the moment.

A Few Days Away

A church buddy of mine took pity upon me near the end of last week.

He said, "Frank, you've been under a lot of stress and strain lately. How about going with me to the beach with me for a few days. You don't have to do a thing but just rest and relax and do what you want to do."

So, we loaded up on Saturday afternoon and traveled to that beach community. It also so happened that they were celebrating GAY PRIDE that day. You see, the community is very gay friendly and has many, many business catering to the gay community. Rainbows are everywhere. They even have several gay areas on the beach and I got to watch all those gay boys frolicking and having fun EVERYWHERE. They were running, and playing on the beach, frolicking in the waves, playing volleyball! Take a look at the fine young specimen here. How would you like to have that walking up on your porch every night. It just did my heart good to see such fine representatives of gay AMERICA.

Another day, my friend and I biked almost 6 miles. Keep in mind now that I'm an old fart...not used to biking so much.....but I did it without any problems.

Last night was the perfect sunset. Check out my picture of it. Oh, it was bliss....and then I had to come back home tonight.

But, I must say, it is good to be back here...in my place.....alone even.

I looked at all those gay boys......and wished I had their youth.....their bodies.....their looks.....and their partners. But I guess I'm learning to be content with what I have......and that I always have me -- the ultimate partner.

I suppose it could be worse.

September 11: A Story of 2 Anniversaries

September 11 has been in the news a lot today.

This is the seventh anniversary of that awful day where so many innocent people lossed their lives at the hands of 18 foreign maniacs. It was such a horrible day...and I remember it so vividly.

I was working at my office in downtown DC. I had gone in late that morning because Lovey had left the house and had taken my car keys with her. Thankfully, Mom O'Lovey had a set of our keys and I had to wait for her to bring the keys to me. I was caught in traffic that morning and sat in front of the Pentagon for a long while and then finally made it to my office about 30 minutes before the plane hit the Pentagon. I had been at the office for only about five or so minutes before the planes began hitting the World Trade Center.

When the planes had crashed, I called my children's high schools to let them know that their parents were okay and to not worry. The government shut down very early that day. Gridlock was everywhere. When I got home, I was glued to the television and watched Peter Jennings and saw the footage of the plane crashes....over and over and over and over again.

It was a very bad day.

One that I won't soon forget.

There is another side of September 11 that is a monumental anniversary. You see, on September 11, 1978, I began my career in the federal government. That was 30 years ago! I had just turned 20 years old.

I look back...and I was filled with so many dreams....and hopes.....for the future. I can't believe how naive I was. I was a Pollyanna. I thought I knew everything about my world....and about my future.

I never dreamed that I would live as an openly gay man....or that I would marry and divorce and have three beautiful children.....or still be working in the same office that I began in.....but after many promotions later.

Or...that I would be facing my parents' mortality alone.

Or that I would have experienced the joys and the mountain highs......the pits of despair and valley of fear and loneliness.

But here I am.

I'm still here 30 years later.

Time to Catch Up

It seems like it has been ages since I last posted.

I apologize to all of you for not posting but it has been hectic and I've just been trying to get my arms around the issues I now face.

Mother has been working to get used to her new hip. She has still been surprising her physical therapists and her doctors with her progress. In the next couple of days she will move from using a walker to using a cane. She has been going up and down steps. I'm very thankful that she is improving daily.

She is undergoing daily radiation treatments. So far the only thing that she is experiencing from that is that it is causing tremendous fatigue. Once she's done with her 14 radiation treatments, she will undergo 14 chemo treatments which will cause her hair to fall out.

I have heard that chemo can really be vicious. So, I am really concerned about it for her.

Last week she underwent a bone scan. So far no word on the rsults of that test. Today she had a PET SCAN and she will get the results of that tomorrow. That test wll give an idea of what the cancer is doing in the rest of her body. So, I am nervous.

How is Frank doing you may ask.

Well, I'm handling things okay. The shock of things has settled a bit. I am guardedly optimistic.

As a result of this, I've learned that I have a strong network of friends who are concerned about me.....and who have surrounded me with love and prayerful support.

On top of this, my love life is still in a holding pattern of longing, crushes, and mixed signals.

This past weekend, I had an extended visit with Lovey at her home. She's undergoing her own drama with her churches.

I went there to videotape her sermon for her credentialing process. We had some serious discussions and I was able to get some things off my chest. I got the impression that she has second thoughts now about the divorce... But I'm not wanting to get back with her. However, this exercise at least allowed me to make some valid points and it allowed me to put some things to rest.

So, my life is far from dull.

I will try and get back into the swing of writing more often now.

Thanks for bearing with me.

UPDATE on Mother

Mom is now home. The doctors are VERY pleased at how well she is doing with her new hip. It's healing nicely, and she is in excellent spirits. All this goes such a very long way to recovery.

I spoke at length to mother's internist on Tuesday. He says that the cancer in her hip originated in her lung. So given the fact that it has gone from the lung to the bone seems to indicate that cancer cells are throughout her body and manifestations can crop up anywhere in her body. She's having a bone scan next Tuesday and is scheduled for a PT scan shortly thereafter to identify "hot" spots where the cancer is presenting. Based on what is found, she will undergo chemo and radiation therapy.

The doctor says that death is NOT iminent. The cancer can't be cured, but it can be managed well. Ultimately it will have a negative impact on her...but for now, we have her.....she is in good spirits....and we shall all savor every moment we have with her.

A number of my friends have told me that folks have lasted 10 or more years....and the goal is to get her into remission.

So we shall see.

This week is not nearly as frightening as last week. I'm headed to be with her tomorrow night....and will meet Laura there. I will return sometime on Tuesday evening!

On another note, my daughter Laura from Hashville gave a full concert at a local university. It was a great experience and she was quite pleased. If I can figure it all out, I will embed some video of her for you to enjoy of one of "her" songs that she got to perform in public for the first time!

It was so cool to be able to see my "little girl" at doing what she loves to do.

I'm blessed!

No News

The surgeon dropped by and gave mom a good report on her hip replacement. He says that it is healing very nicely. They offered her the opportunity to either get physical therapy at home or at an outpatient facility. She selected home....but was told that would work until she began her radiation therapy.

Supposedly tomorrow we will hear something to give us an idea of the treatment plan....and the prognosis. I just pray that it's not dismal and that all is not lost.

This has raised so many demons in my mind. I feel like the little kid again that's afraid of being left as an orphan. My goodness I am 50 years old.

I am planning to drive to home this Friday evening....and will spend the entire weekend including Monday and Tuesday with my folks. There we can strategize a bit.

I'm working to be strong....but this is so hard.

It's Bad -- REAL Bad!

I found out on Friday that the doctor's have told my mother that she has bone cancer, lung cancer and also cancer in the lymph nodes.

When I heard all this, I was numb.

I don't know if this is from the colon cancer escapade from two years ago or not. All I know is that my beautiful mother is in the hospital, facing all this.....and there is absolutely nothing that I can do.

I'm the kind of guy that feels like I have to fix all the world's problems. It's the nurturing instiinct within me at work I suppose. I've always wanted to take away everyone's boo-boos and make them all better.

But this one I can't begin to touch.

Tomorrow the doctors are going to fill us in on treatment options, information as to the rate of infection, and what the prognosis is. Then we will have a better idea of what we are up against.

God, I hate this.

Now, I don't mean this to sound "Woe Is Me," but there is something I have to say for the record.

Since I was a little boy of about 6, I have always been afraid that my parents were going to die and leave me alone -- TOTALLY. As I grew older, this feeling faded.....and when I was married to Lovey, I thought she would be with me through times when I faced my parents' mortality.

In 2004 I spent a lot of time helping her go through her dad's illness and his subsequent long goodbye. I held her at night.....I let her cry on my chest....I served as her sounding board about when she needed to vent.... It was a very long seven months. In the back of my mind, that old familiar fear of being alone when my parents got sick came into my mind.

It has hung there ever since.

AND, here I am.

ALONE.

I have no one to sit and talk to...to serve as my sounding board or to help me plan for the future.

I have no one to wrap their arms around me and let me sob in their chest.

I have no one to hold me at night.

It is scary....it's lonely......and it's all so very strange.

What am I going to do?

A Wind of Uneasiness

I've been keeping in close contact with my mother and yesterday she dropped a new bombshell on me: they've found a spot on one of her lungs...and also enlarged lymph nodes.... They did biopsies of all those and we're now awaiting the results.

I feel guilty that I'm not there.

But I've been involved in some very critical meetings here at the office. On top of that, I have my daughter Laura coming to town on Monday because she is giving her first major concert at a local university on Wednesday evening. Mother wants me to videotape that.

So, I feel quite stuck! VERY stuck!

Plus I'm scared.

And, as an only child...I feel quite alone in dealing with this.

It's all very scary.

Gosh, it's one drama on to the next isn't it?

Life Goes On

Mother had her hip totally replaced yesterday afternoon. She was awake for the entire procedure. She says that the sounds will be with her forever.

"It sounded like they were building a house!" she said.

They are now working to get her ambulatory.

All looks well.

So far, no more about the C word. The doctors are pretty confident that it is not involved.

Thank God!

When I talked with Mother this morning, she sounded so chipper and happy...and alert. I haven't heard her this way in quite a while.

I'm so blessed.

These are the most important things....

A VERY Emotional Day

Yesterday was a roller coaster of emotions.

At 6:30 a.m. I received a call from my mother. She was scheduled to visit the physical therapist because of some problems she had been having with her left leg.

She called me early to say that she couldn't walk and that they were calling an ambulance to take her to the hospital for treatment. When the technicians arrived at my parents' home, they took mom's blood pressure and found it to be 200/180! They got her to the emergency room and over the course of the day, they found that she had broken her hip.

There's been no sign of trauma. She hasn't fallen. Nothing like that. The radiologist said that something like this only happens if there is an underlying problem like bone cancer.

I was devestated but carried on...numb. They did a thorough evaluation of the CT Scan and determined that there is no sign of cancer, but they're going to do further tests to find out what caused the break. She is going to require surgery so they can install pins to help get the hip repaired. All this will happen in the next few days.

So as you can imagine, it wasn't a good day yesterday.

It's Probably The Answer

I spent the entire day trying to get some stuff done. The majority of all this was running errands and talking to one of my dear friends on the phone who has been going through a rather bad time. We also discussed my love life....or better described the lack thereof.... I told him that I hadn't heard from Mr. Office since Wednesday.

"Why don't you call him?" my friend asked.

"Well, I don't want to be too forward....because if I were to bring up my feelings or go into it, I know that I would screw things up...including the residual friendship that I hope to have with him, if things don't work out the way I have hoped they would."

"Honey, you aren't gonna lose a thing by just calling. You're letting him know that you're still here....and that you've cared enough to call. CALL HIM!"

So, I reluctantly agreed.

I hung up....and called Mr. Office.

He answered...and sounded glad to hear from me. But it was all rather perfunctory. Nothing to get all worked up about. Nothing to confirm that he does like me in "that" way. We ended the call by his saying, "I'll see you at the office next week."

"Yeah, I'll be there I said," all cheerily.

But inside I felt awful.

Saturday Morning

It's very early, at least for me on a Saturday morning. I have an appointment with the podiatrist to figure out what those lumps are on the bottom of my feet. They are very tender and make my feet sore when I first wake up in the morning. Oh, the joys of being a middle aged diabetic.

Still no word from Mr. Office. So, I'm just letting that go.

Last night I went to an open air concert to hear one of the military choruses that circulate here within the metro area throughout the year. Right in the middle they had to close the concert because of rain. It sort of fit my mood last night. Today I am some better...but I've got a long way to go.

My daughter Laura, from Nashville, arrives one week from Monday because she has been asked to perform a concert at one of the universities here. It's an exciting opportunity, plus they will be paying her rather well to do do it.

Well, it's time to get started on my day. Who knows what adventures lurk?

Feeling A Bit "Blue"

Well, I have had a busy day here at the office, but sadly now as the weekend begins, I'm finding myself in a "blue" place.

Not sure why this is or why it should be.

But here I am.

I miss my kids.....I miss my parents. I miss my old life.

It's a bummer.

On the personal front...no word from Mr. Office in two days now. It's pretty evident from that that if he were really all interested in me, he would have at least sent me an email....or a call....or something.

But NOTHING.

Potential mates are definitely not lining up at my door!

So, I guess this is the reason for my sadness....my profound sadness.

On a Friday night in late summer.....

Nothing to do.

No one to see.

Friday Is Here!

It's the end of yet another week! Thank goodness.

Tomorrow I'm headed to visit the podiatrist for a diabetic foot evaluation. I've had some lumps on the sole of my feet for a little while and those suckers are quite painful. Hopefully tomorrow we will find out what they are and how we can make them go away.

Things were relatively quiet last night. I spent several hours on the telephone talking to some new gay friends I've made. It's interesting to hear all their stories. Different, yet all the same.

The last I saw of Mr. Office was on Wednesday. I've been purposely keeping a very low profile to just see what he does.

Will he contact me?

Will he even miss not communicating with me?

I just don't know.

I told all the gorey details to one of my friends last night... All they said was that they were glad they weren't in my situation. They wouldn't know what to do either.

I'm so tired of the mixed signals.

But...I'm just going to continue as I am doing.

Being kind, friendly, gentle....and most of all.....being available -- just to the point of seeing if he makes any move in my direction.

My guess is that it ain't gonna happen.

Some Things to Ponder

Hmmm….

I’ve spent quite a bit of time with Mr. Office this week…some planned and some unplanned visits. At all times, and as usual, the mixed signals are flying everywhere! But I’m still being me….and noncommittal and I'm watching him and seeing how he reacts to various situations.

I’ve not done anything stupid.

I’ve not made any grand declarations or pronouncements.

Aw, he is someone so perfect for me…...I think...but I’m just in no mood to pursue him. It is my firm belief that if he were really all that interested in me, he would be making some overtures. I've made a deal with myself that I really want a guy who will pursue me for once.

But he hasn’t. He could be old fashioned...and is just taking things slow. Or...he could be just plain old not interested.

Oh, he has made some interesting omments along the way….and when we’re together he always make sure that he is in very close proximity to me. I heard him tell someone on Monday that “Frank is a real sweetheart.” He's called me "honey"....and he loves to hug. I could stay forever wrapped up in one of those.

And he has made some very noncommittal expressions of affection.

But, before you run away with that concept, please note they are all nothing to get worked up over. I’ve given the same tokens of affection to my dog: a pat here…..a stroke there………or a kiss on the snout.

On the flip side though he’s also made remarks that have concerned me just a little. So, if he were to make the first move, I’d have to ask him about them and have him declare what his true motives are.

I would want a relationship to start because of genuine feelings. Not from feelings of desperation or deception.

Hmmmm.

More Mixed Signals from Mr. Office...

Spent the morning with Mr. Office.

Gosh it was good just getting away with him. We talked about everything under the sun...and he said that he enjoyed my company.

When we reached our hiking spot, he and I wound up in a very secluded and isolated path. We took our time and I kept thinking how neat it would be to give him a meaningful kiss right there in the woods. But I didn't.

At one point, he invaded my personal space......and came in super close as if he were going to kiss me. I found that my lips were actually quivering.....but he didn't. He kept talking....about various things.

He kept saying various double entendres....and we'd chuckle.

We finally made it back to the car.....and I drove him back to my place to pick up his car.

He came inside briefly....and when he was ready to leave, he smiled.....looked deeply into my eyes.......and gave me a big hug. Then he held on.

I couldn't stand it any longer and I kissed the side of his cheek and I told him that he was "special."

With that he was gone.

I don't know what to think of all this.

ICKY POO!

This evening has been a bust. Everyone I have turned to do something with has been unavailable. So, I wound up taking myself to dinner....and then I went to see the new Emma Thompson flick, "Brideshead Revisited".

While sitting at dinner, I looked around the eatery and noted how people were coupled. I was the only person ALONE and that served to make me feel melancholy. And I simply do not like feeling that way.

After dinner, but before the movie started, I walked through the shopping area that I was in. So many people walking around and enjoying the pleasant late summer evening. Mostly couples were walking around....hand-in-hand.

I probably would have been better off to have come straight home and just gone to bed.

It's terrible being so lonely.

Tomorrow is my day trip. It's a very early day.....so I need to sleep. Perhaps I'll get a clue of some type from Mr. Office that will tell me one way or the other if there is something happening between us.

I really think there isn't, but then, what do I know?

And Now, Let's Discuss Something Else

Enough already about my BIG crushes, and the longing to love someone.

It's time to focus on something else.

I have a very busy Saturday planned. So, tomorrow morning it is "up early"....and a quick day trip with Mr. Office. I've got to get him moving super early so that I can return for an afternoon party that I have been invited to. He's going to be busy as well. So this works out pretty good. We're planning a hiking trip...and so it should be a good day to just talk...one-on-one. Perhaps I'll get a signal on how he is thinking.

Laura, (#2), has booked a concert locally for the end of August. So, I'm going to get the opportunity to see her perform, alone, live for a change. She'll get to be home here for 3-4 days. Oh....I can't wait.

Love has gotten wind of all this, and of course she's begun trying to monopolize all of Laura's time while she is here. The latest email I received from her, I promptly passed along to Laura, so that she could help me decide how to respond. She's planning to have tons of relatives there.....a virtual family reunion. Laura doesn't want that. So, I'm just keeping a low profile in this drama.

YIKES.

Off to my office I go! It's FRIDAY!