Snowy Days & Thursday Get Me Down

Do you all remember that old Carpenters’ song, “Rainy Days and Mondays Always Get Me Down.?”

Well, oddly, I loved the song and never found the subject to be very relevant to me.

However, for some reason, it seems that snowy and cold days make me wistful….and somewhat “down.” I’m not going to say that it depresses me because when one says the word depression, all sorts of images are conjured up.

I think the word “depressed” is overused today.

I think in this case, the word “sad” works best to describe how I feel.

It began as the snow started here in Washington. Large snowflakes feel for a couple of hours leaving a nice white blanket out my office window. Immediately, my mind raced back to simpler times when I played in the snow with my kids and coming inside to a nice tall mug of hot cocoa courtesy of Lovey.

I think of the times when my office was closed due to the bad weather, and I spent time inside playing board games or card games with the children.

I also remember the many times we walked to grandma’s house and all the fun we had sledding and building snow people.

Now I’m alone.

Totally.

Alone.

Honestly, at times I look in the mirror and it still shocks me to think about all that I’ve been through and just how much my life has changed. I went from being Frank, the family man with a secret to Frank, the family man, all alone.

The nights bother me the most. I hear every noise. I’m aware of every creak and groan in the house. I even hear the tap, tap, tapping of the ductwork as the warm air makes them expand when the furnace kicks on.

I hear every moan and snore that Davy, the Dawg makes. I’m aware of every times he burrows deeply into me in the middle of the night.

And to think, my gayness brought me here to this place.

Oh, I know that the kids would have left me an empty nester any way…..but I always thought I’d have companionship.

I was wrong.

I have a tinge of bitterness in me. It still hurts – all those many things I had to experience during the separation….and the negotiation of the divorce.

Every alimony check I write bothers me…..the thought of the 50% reduction of my retirement annuity bothers me.

It all still hurts….

The snow continues to fall…..and I’m haunted. Haunted by the memories of what was….and the thoughts of what never will be.