Wisdom Comes with Age

I got up really early this morning.

It seems like this is the new pattern for me. Years ago, I'd try to sleep as long as possible before the family and I would head to church. Weekends were generally a blur of church-related activities. I was the head of the Sunday School Department; I was Chairman of the Board of Deacons; I was the choir director, newsletter editor, and prepared the Sunday Morning bulletin. On top of all that, I handled publication of the church's telephone directory.

Now looking back at that time period, I feel really sorry for myself. I was so busy with church work, it didn't allow much time for me to be occupied with the gay thing.

Perhaps, I should say it didnt' give me much time to explore the gay world.

So, I spent a lot of sleepless nights...having unhealthy thoughts behind the happy Christian facade.

Wisdom does come with age.

So, I guess this is why I feel so paternal around some of my younger gay brothers from my current church. Aw, they all seem so well-adjusted. The majority of whom are partnered. Still, it's the younger ones that I find myself wanting to just wrap in my arms and say....."Dare to be who you are....and enjoy life. It's a different time. It's a different place now."

Wow, when I was in high school....and junior high for that matter, I was totally miserable. It seemed that no matter how hard I tried, I was always labeled the class faggot.....and it HURT. Because I knew it was true.....the words were said with such disgust...and hatred.

The hurt penetrated my very bones.

The teachers would just turn a blind eye to it all.

By the time I came home in the evening, I was emotionally spent -- a wreck.

I never told my parents.

But this is when I began the massive construction project in my mind that I am working so hard to dismantle today. I built tall sturdy walls. I isolated myself. I became very shy when it came to being around others. I felt that if I opened my mouth, "gay" would fall out and then the words of derision, hatred, and hut would pile on.

So it was at that point I decided to through myself at my studies full force. I became known as the class "brain"....and "Mr. Responsibility."

But still I was alone.

Yes, I do have a very protective streak when it comes to some of my very young gay friends. I don't want to see anyone hurt them....or belittle them. I'm so very proud of them....for living openly and proudly with the partners of their dreams.....

Maybe one day I will be able to do the same.