I've had a very quiet day. I posted that in the previous post.
However, the one thing that I seem to be dealing with now seems to have come out of no where. It's something I thought I had dealt with....and I suppose I've taken care of a lot of stuff and gotten rid of it.
But in the past 2-3 weeks, I've had a sprig of bitterness to surface.
I'm not sure why that is.
I'm very bitter about the divorce....about the way my ex treated me.....the things that my ex did...and most of all...the fact that she almost gleefully outted me to anyone who would listen.
Not to be helpful.
But to make her look good.
It bothers me.
But, upon further reflection, I guess what made this surface is a comment that my daughter, Laura (#2) told me during her Christmas vacation. She said that when she met her mother's younger sister in Atlanta last fall, over dinner one night, she blurted out, "You DO know that your dad is gay don't you?"
To which my daughter responded, "Well, if I didn't I certainly do NOW!"
When I've asked my EX if she told her family, she says, "I can't remember!"
Hmph....
I've been robbed of my coming out experience....of being able to share it with whom I want to. My EX took it upon herself to out me to everyone.
Yup...this is where the bitterness has come from.
3 comments:
Frank why on earth are you so obsessed with your ex-wife? EX is the operative word here. Lose the bitterness, move on.
You say yourself that your gayness has cost you your marriage - don't you think it's SHE who has most right to bitterness?
Gay men should never, EVER, marry. If you'd had the guts to face up to your orientation years ago it would have saved a lot of anguish for all concerned.
Now do us all a favour and stop feeling sorry for yourself.
OK, ignoring that rather harsh first comment, Frank, I'd like you to explore another option. Maybe you aren't gay?!
Maybe that was just a way you acted out or rebeled against your wife's overwhelming control/personality. So maybe it was situational and you will revert to heterosexual type now that she is gone.
Anyway, it's just a thought. Hope things work out for you.
Frank, continue processing how you are feeling and learn from it and let go.
I understand gay is the elephant standing in the room and shouldn't be ignored, but when you step back it is very clear that in important ways you do not have the same values as Honey. You respect people, family and maybe to her thye seem as window dressing. And there are others.
You should focus on how much you have learned who you are, not just that you are gay, and be the best man you can be.
Based on your differences you could probably no longer hold an emotionally close relationship with Honey, regardless of gay or not. Not in the way you want.
Really, it is good you are realizing who you are, all of you. :)
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