The Ache That Never Quite Goes Away...

Today has been one of those days that I have periodically. It has felt like I've been in limbo....neither heaven, nor hell. I've just spent the day wondering aimlessly from one task to the other....finding out that one of my toilet tanks is leaking in my basement. (At least it's not the sump pump dying....or some other leak because of all the excessive rain we've been having)....going to the dentist and having my teeth cleaned and scraped. Now THAT's fun!

This afternoon after I cam home, I was totally exhausted and decided to do something that I don't really do very often these days: NAP. So, I took a two hour nap.

I awakened refreshed....and then took a shower and met some friends for dinner and for a game of cards. In the process I met another man -- so my sphere of gay friends continues to widen.

I told someone today that I am amazed at having friends who want to spend time with me. I know. It's very sad....but very true. Always before in my life, I've been surround by acquaintences..not people who I would consider to be close friends....people who seem to enjoy my company....people who want to have dinner with me....or play cards or just hang out.

It's all so very strange for me.

But then there is that other issue that keeps cropping up.

It's the strong desire for closeness with another human being.

Of wanting to feel a deep emotional connection with someone who wants to have that in return.

Someone who is not scattered....and consumed with other commitments....and other people......

Someone who has time for me.

I got in fairly late tonight. And, while I am very thankful for the blessings I have...including a house with a wonderful dog, it's still not the same when a human being isn't there waiting for you.

Someone to run and hug you when you enter the door and says how glad they are that you're back, safe and sound.

Someone to send flowers....or cards....or email notes....or text messages...or to call.....

or....the one thing that I really fantasize about.....

someone to curl up with on the couch on a Saturday and/or Sunday morning and drink coffee with.....or to just be close to.

This house is just so quiet.....TOO quiet. I look over at the other side of the bed....it's empty.

And I ache to the bone for someone to be there.

A living and breathing person. Not necessarily for rip-roaring, x-rated, bed rattling, toe curling sex. (that's good too.) But just to hear the sound of another person breathing. clearing his throat in the middle of the night.......someone to rest my head upon his chest.....or to sleep with my hand in his.

This has got to be the worst part of separation, divorce, and empty nest.