New Places

Well, I have definitely arrived at a new place on my journey. Mom is gone...and now I am the primary caregive for my dad who will be 78 on January 13.

Nothing has prepared me for this role.

I find myself tearing up at the stupidest times. For instance, I was at a restaurant just now getting a quick breakfast, and wouldn't you know, they were playing Christmas carols. It's the first Christmas carols of the 2010 season. I felt this cloak of coldness and sadness envelop me like I have never experienced. Gosh, even as I write this I find myself having to brush away tears.

Dealing with all of my dad's care issues, I've not had the time to fully focus on the grieving process for mom. Coupled with the fact that I don't have that much time with dad left....I'm bobbing and weaving through life....and feeling a bit wiped out by it all.

In the midst of all this, Lovey's Aunt died tragically on November 6. Her memorial service is today. She suffered from Alzheimers but never forgot who I was. She always told me I was good looking and loved hugging me because I felt so good. She fell down a flight of stairs a Mom O'Lovey's and it really did a tremendous damage to her body. The Alzheimers made her immune to the pain...and she was just a southern lady until the very end.

So, I feel like I am living a nightmare.....two close relatives....dead in as many weeks.

I feel as though the tide of grief is gonna sweep me away...

Reflections on My LIfe

Ok...I'm in a dark place this evening. And all of you who read this blog with any regularity know why.

So, as I sit here in my parents' home, I'm feeling VERY alone. The loss of the warmth of my mother's presence has just left this place with such a hollowness that is hard to describe.

As I have thought about all that is going on...and about the stuff that needs to be done....I wonder why this is happening now. Over the past 5 years, as I have emerged from one crisis...I find myself totally enveloped by the mist of yet another one.

Three weeks ago, I was sitting on mom and dad's front porche on a hot early fall day. Mom was feeling well...and a bit wistful.

"It's coming," she said bluntly.

We both knew what she meant.

"And it is a lot closer than either of us know."

"Are you frightened?" I asked.

"Not really," she answered quietly. "It's a new adventure. The only thing I realize is that I have never done this before and I don't know what to expect. When I have been frightened by the unknown, after whatever it was that I was afraid of was over, I looked back and realized the fears were silly! I think this is going to be the same."

"How do you feel?" I asked.

"I feel like I am divorcing my body," she answered. "It's hard to explain."

She knew and she was calm.

I looked over at her and said, "Mom...you know I have been through a whole lot of drama over the past few years right?"

"You sure have." She smiled.

"Well, when you arrive at your final destination, is there anyway you could put in a good word for me up there and ask them if they could lighten up on me some?"

"You got it," she said. "I will look in on you and see what I can do to make your life easier."

She squeezed my hand.

I squeezed back.

"I love you," I told her.

"You too!"

She smiled again.

Grief - 2

A friend sent me this today. I have received such comfort from my friends during this time. I'm amazed by their love....their care...and their compassion.

The Dash
by Linda Ellis

I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning to the end

He noted that first came the date of her birth
And spoke the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years

For that dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved her
Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not how much we own;
The cars, the house, the cash,
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard.
Are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left,
That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
To consider what’s true and real
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we’ve never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,
And more often wear a smile
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy is being read
With your life’s actions to rehash
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash?

This is BAD

Perhaps this is a good thing.

I am 52 years old.

I have had plenty of drama for two lifetimes. I went through a very bad divorce...and it almost sunk me.

BUT...

Nothing ever prepared me for what I feel during this time.

Saw a grief counsellor yesterday. She says that I amd doing and behaving normally....she says that it just feels abnormal not to have mom around anymore.


This is so true.

One thing for certain...during this time of trying to be there for my dad, I also have to be there for me too. I need to take very good care of Frank during this...

A friend sent me this poem by Henry Van Dyke. In a strange way, I find tremendous comfort from it.

By Henry Van Dyke

"I am standing at the seashore. A Ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. I stand and watch her until she hangs like a speck of white cloud, just where the sea and the sky come to mingle with each other. And just at that moment, when someone at my side says,



"There she is gone!";



there are other eyes watching her comig, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout:



"There she comes!"



And that is dying."

GRIEF

It's now the early hours of Monday. Later on today, my mother will have been gone from me for 7 full days.

My daughters have returned home.....Lovey has returned to her churches. I am still in Huntington, WV with my dad and my son.

I have been so focused on the planning of the memorial service and the cremation....and my kids....and my dad....that I have neglected myself. This is really nothing new. I have basically done this all my adult life.

BUT...

As I was taking a much needed breather to join some church friends at a bowling event tonight here....it began to settle upon me. The pain began to envelop me like high tide.

I miss my mom.

Terribly.

And, there is nothing I can do about it!

October 16, 2010

Monday, October 11, 2010 was the day I have been dreading for many, many years.

You see, my mother, passed away peacefully after her long battle with cancer while she was in the hospital. I was honored to be with her when she slipped away...and today was the memorial service.

All of my children were here with me....and so was Lovey!

Five people from my church in Northern Virginia traveled all the way here for the service. I totally broke down and wept when I saw them! Three other people from my gay friendly church were also in attendance.

As mother was beginning the dying process...God gave me a special wink. A lesbian chaplain from the hopsital chaplaincy came in to pray for me and my family and my mother. It served as a grand affirmation of me.

As things slow down now, I am going to begin grieving for my mom....alone. It hurts....bad.

Today's service was special. Here is my EULOGY that I delivered.

I hope it is a blessing to you:

I have so many rich and warm memories of Mom. She was, perhaps, my closest and dearest friend. As I have reflected upon our relationship, I have come to realize that there is nothing about me that she did not know about…or have an opportunity to comment on. You didn’t mess with Mom. She didn’t mess with you. She was never afraid to speak her mind. Her philosophy was simply if you don’t want my opinion, don’t ask.

Some of my earliest memories revolve around my being an only child. As I grew from being a toddler and got to first grade, I remember being afraid that my parents would die and leave me as an orphan.

I guess this is a natural thing for kids to worry about.

Dad used to have a mournful bluegrass recording about such a topic entitled, “Someone Will Love Me in Heaven” by Don Reno and Red Smiley. He would play that song over and over again…and I would listen to it to only become horrified at the concept.

When I became a dad, I remember very clearly that one particular time when I suffered migraines, my twin daughters who were about four years old, came in to try and take care of my. They literally slapped cold and wet washcloths on my forehead in an effort to make the pain go away. When I grew silent…Jessica turned to Laura and said, “I think he’s going to die.” Laura said, “Oh no…now who is going to drive us around when we need to go somewhere.”

I have always been fearful of losing my parents. As a result, over the years I have become fiercely protective. My love has grown for them. We lived as the three musketeers….all for one and one for all. Still, always in the back of my mind, I have been concerned about the season in my life where I would lose my parents.

And here we are.

I stand before you today having a lost a dear friend – my mother.

But she wasn’t just my friend. A lot of you knew her and have your own stories to tell. One of my aunts wrote the following on my FACEBOOK wall:

“Two little girls growing up as close as sisters. We shared first grade thru adulthood. We had the joy of walking many roads together; over mountains to gather hickory nuts, sitting on a log in the middle of flooded Kiahs Creek with Mary, singing "aint gonna study war no more"...sneaking off to the outhouse to smoke a stolen cigarette together, having many sleepovers, telling each other what we thought about things, what kind and color house we would live in; married to brothers, loving each others children, calling each other and trying to remember all the parts of a nursery rhyme, trying to figure out what “crarn” meant. In our last conversation last week, we told each other to keep on trying and many times saying that we loved each other. I will live my days in hope of being with you again. Your buddy, Lois."

I have a vast library of stories Mom has shared with me.

She’s told me about the many times she got into trouble with her mother. One being when she gathered a group of her friends together when she was a child and she stood on a woodpile…and began preaching, “Upon this woodpile I build my church…” As she and her congregation began really getting into it, she remembered her mother coming to get her and spanking her….and marching her back into her house and saying “you little devil….”

But her dad always got a charge out of watching his baby girl have fun…even though it may appeared that she was making light of church or spiritual things.

They had a great relationship. Mom was driving his stick shift car at age 12 – driving all over the community’s hills and loose gravel. In one case, she helped a 16 year old boy drive a big truck up a steep hill with lots of loose gravel…all to the chagrin of the 16 year old boy.

Her dad seemed like a funloving parent with a tremendous sense of humor. Perhaps she got her sense of humor from him.

It never left her.

For example, she and I attended a funeral of a loved one many years ago. The particular loved one had grossly inflated their academic and other accomplishments such that mom grabbed at me and whispered to me, “June Bug….I think we are at the wrong funeral…..I have to look in that casket again to make sure it’s who we think it is in that pretty box!”

We subtly snickered….and agreed that we would never tell the survivors that their relative had made up a lot of the accomplishments in their obituary.

When mom was diagnosed with the worst kind of cancer one can have…she met the challenge head-on. She went to the beauty shop. She told me, “Son, if my hair is going to fall out because of chemotherapy, then it is going to hit the floor in style!” And it did. During those times she would be dressed to the nines….her hair perfectly done…..and her nails done…. She was determined to give “Mr. Chemo” a run for his money.

We spoke many times a day In the midst of the aggressive chemotherapy treatment she underwent. It left her greatly weakened….she called one cold wintry day to tell me that she was just not able to go to her chemotherapy. “I just can’t summon the strength,” she said. I told her to rest….and try to relax…that I’m sure one day would not set her back. She agreed.

BUT…that afternoon, she called me all proud of herself. You see, in this day of caller id, she had received an obscene telephone call that day right after she had spoken with me. It made her so mad that she got the extra dose of adrenaline flowing through her body that gave her the strength to do her chemotherapy. Oh, and in the process, she let the obscene phone caller have a piece of her mind!

Mom was quite the fighter. She fought cancer with everything she could. And in her normal style, for a time, she won. She went into total remission for a year and three months. Then it returned this past May. During the summer we planned and she began her treatments…but this time, the cancer came back with a vengeance. For a time she had strength and was able to do a multitude of things….but by the time I arrived in late September I could see the toll it was taking.

Mom began having new pain in new places….and the doctor told us the cancer was on the move. More scans and x-rays. The doctor told me privately that she had six months or less. The cancer was indeed spreading. He recommended that we contact Hospice.

I was devastated.

Hospice did become involved…and mom admitted herself into the program. Somewhere deep inside her, she knew what was happening. She told me that she never wanted to know how much time she had left.

But she said to me at the beginning of October, “I’m not afraid to die.” I asked her why not. She said that she looked upon this as a new adventure…and that the only fear that comes from this is the fact that we have never done anything like this before. So there is a little fear of the unknown. She also told us what she wanted in terms of her funeral….she was pretty emphatic about being cremated.

“It’s coming,” she said. “I feel it…and it won’t be much longer.”

That weekend her heart went out of rhythm and we were told to go to the emergency room. Mom fought Hospice and us, but we were finally able to get her to the emergency room. After a few days of monitoring, they were able to shock her back into rhythm.

It didn’t last.

By this past Sunday, she was not feeling good…but her sense of humor remained intact. On Monday, she was obviously miserable. Her condition warranted a transfer to a private room.

She was restless….and in a moment where it was just her and I in her room, I said, “Mom, can you hear me?” She squeezed my arm and nodded her head. I continued, “Mom, you are very sick. I never thought I would say this to you…but I feel I must: If you need to go, go ahead. Dad will be okay….and we will take really good care of him. Just don’t ever forget how much you are loved here. Do you understand?” She nodded.

Within a half-hour, she had calmed. And, another hour or so after that, she passed peacefully.

Oh, it has broken all our hearts. We loved her.

But we know that she is at peace and finally pain free awaiting each of us.

Not just her family…..but she is awaiting each of her friends as well.

I’ve prepared a multimedia presentation in honor of my mother. I pray that it is a blessing to you.

The first song is “There You’ll Be” by Faith Hill. The second song is “Coming Home” by my daughter.
THANK YOU!

UPDATE

I have been in WV almost three weeks now. As I write this, both parents are in hospice care. Mother went for palliative radiation treatments on her shoulder, skull, and neck. The brain scan one week ago revealed that the cancer has spread around her skull....it is a C3 and C5 in neck....in fact it has eroded some of the that....she has two masses in her neck....that are contributing to the pain. Yesterday she was barely able to walk after her treatment...and we saw her normal oncologist. Her heart was out of rythmn. He sent her to the hospital...where she is today. While her heartbeat was originally at 162....this morning it is still over 100 beats per minute. They are concerned that she will start sending out blood clots.

Dad is still asleep.

He collapsed twice at the hospital yesterday.

Deep inside me I am going crazy....

It is so hard watching this happen to my parents.

My Hands Are Full!

What a week!

First and foremost: my parents aren't doing very well with their respective cancers. They are soooooooooooooooo frail. It is scary. Mother's cancer has returned...but she is now showing some suspicious symptoms in her head, shoulder and elbow. I pray that these are only strained muscles from the way she sleeps....and I pray the knot on her head is from bumping her head on the car door.

It is so very scary when you're going through this cancer journey with your folks. My heart is breaking inside and I don't dare share it with them where they can see how it is affecting me.

Yesterday, mom was so down. She looked at mean in a very pitiful manner and said, "Bub, I just don't see any light at the end of this tunnel."

I wanted to cry.

Still she is giving it her best shot.

I am spending at least this week with them. Depending on the diagnosis she receives on Thursday, I may spend next week here too. I am working to convince them to come to my house if she is required to do chemo. Right now it is just radiation. But we're gonna see.

And now there is some good news....

In the midst of doom and gloom....and here in the heart of Huntington, WV, Frank may have just found someone special! Yup....when God closes a door, He knows just when to open a window.

I went to church at the local gay affirming church on Sunday....and this guy just appeared.....he says that something spoke to his heart about me....and I had the same thing. He's one year older....and has two adult kids. We spent some time together last night.....and tonight.....and we're possibly gonna spend some time together tomorrow night.

I'm a little shocked by all this....but we'll see.

Mom is tickled.....Dad is oblivious....

I'm amazed....and hopeful.

My Daughter, The TV Star!

As I recover from the wonders of my weekend retreat experience, I thought I would share this commercial that stars my daughter! It's for a school in Tennessee. She got this job on a pure lark...and now she may use this as a springboard into acting.

Who knew?



The retreat was awesome in so many ways.

More later.

Friday Morning

I am home today trying to get ready for a church retreat that is being held at a wonderful place not far from Charlottesville, VA. It is literally in the middle of no where. It will give me some time to ponder....to center myself....to try and figure out what my next move is going to be in the chess game of life. Who knows? Perhaps I will be able to further crawl out of this valley I have been in all week.

It has been a very busy week at the office. I have gotten lots done. It just never ends.

I've also been having a good time posting old family pictures to my FACEBOOK page. As a result, I've been hearing from a lot of my cousins and other relatives that I have not heard from or even seen in a number of years. In fact, one of them left me a message and asked me to call him last night.

Well, I did...and it was heartwarming to reconnect with him after all these years. I felt like a million bucks in being able to talk to him. He lives in Ohio...and was asking me about all the stuff I knew about our relatives. (I was a bit taken aback by what little he knew.)

So, this season of my life appears to be about building bridges and reaching out.

Life is so filled with uncertainty. I'm amazed at how naive I was in thinking how steady my life was....with the job...the wife....the kids....the house....the trappings of a successful and "happy" life. That all changed in a flash...and here I sit....at age 52...alone.. Who would have ever thought I would be in this place at this age.

I'm sort of at an ebb right now. I'm not "blue" or depressed, but then I am not ecstatic either. The desire of a significant relationship is still there.......I don't think there are any serious prospects out there for me right now.....even with all the men who have been listed previously who make cameo appearances in my life from time-to-time. Hopefully this retreat will help me.

The song below is one that I just found. It has been out since June....and although the subject matter is a bit "dark" the video is amazing. The melody is catchy, yet haunting... The video is not nearly as dark as it could be.... A couple of the lyrics have stuck with me: "The sharp knife of a short life..." and "Funny when you're dead how people start listening..."

I posted this elsewhere, and was asked by a friend to tell her what I thought it meant.

I think it means to treat people well all the time....not wait until they are at death's doorstep and that young people do not have a monopoly on life. Life can end in a flash....young or old. Listen to what people say now...don't get all misty after they're gone.



I know this has been a scattered post...but it's kind of like me emotionally these days....

All over the map.

A Rainbow in the Valley

I've been in sort of a funk since Sunday. This is no secret...since I have written about it this week.

Sometimes as a gay man, the loneliness is at times unbearable. However, in the midst of all this...I heard from gentle Doug today. He called to say that he was thinking about me and he wanted me to know how much he missed me.

Even though he is married.....and it can't go anywhere....it was still nice to hear.

Especially today.

Friendship, Sex and Longing

On one of the online groups I'm a member of, a thread has emerged that is of particular interest to me. It's simply entitled, "Friendship, Sex and Longing." The group is composed of men who are married to women and are out to their wives. Each person's situation is different....they have negotiated their own paths to marital fulfillment.

On person in particular wrote:

"To finally have friends who understand what this is all about is huge. After spending years alone in my thoughts, same sex thoughts that no one must know, to have a good friend who I can share it all with has been so healthy for me.

A large part of my wife's acceptance of my having bi/gay friends has been the benefit of the "me too" and "I understand part". When I come back from a night or weekend away with my friend my wife sees the inner peace and self acceptance that I gain and it spills over to my being a better more fun husband. It is a transformation that our wives need to see with their own eyes to believe."

This post stirred memories in my own life....during my marriage. I had met another married man...in similar situation to me....and we hit it off immediately. We were together for 8+ years. When I divorced...he couldn't take it...and just backed out of my life.

During our time together, his wife noted on many occasions "how good we were for each other."

The issue was finally on the back burner.

Our times together made us better husbands.

I know this is hard to understand for some of you...but it worked.

For a season.

This post triggered memories....and so I sat and wrote this. It's not the typical fare I offer up here...but it was worth remembering. 

Moving Merrily Along...

Who knew?

I was moving at such a rapid pace...and kind of expectant as to what was going to happen in my life next. After all, I have six gentlemen who have entered an orbit around me. They definitely were not there before. It kind of made me feel a bit giddy. BUT...I'm not able to share all this with any folks other than you all out there in cyberspace.

There is this great temptation to go after the first man who gives me any attention whatsoever. This is not a good thing. In following this trajectory, I see nothing but disaster.

I have begun to take better care of Frank....mentally and emotionally. This was shown in my recent dealings with SEX GOD. He called looking for action...and I'm feeling a bit used. I don't like feeling that way. Sure a fantastic romp in the hay is fun to do...but in the long run...what is left after the romping is done.

I told him what I was looking for. I told him that I was not into control queens. I want someone who is not afraid to let his affections show up in normal living. This poor guy is afraid that someone is going to find out that he and I have been "romping". I'm tired of the cloak and daggerish relaitonship we have...

I am not...and refuse to be....anyone's dirty little secret.

So between that......the fact that I spent time with K on Sunday.....and the fact that he and his wife and her companion all drink and drink and drink.... Well, even though I am attracted to him emotionally and physically....and if his wife dumps him tomorrow....I don't think he is the one for me....and thus will begin putting some distance between him and me.

Andy is still calling me. We talked on the phone for almost an hour yesterday. So he must really be liking me.

Dan is preoccupied with Scott.... I saw him briefly today....and he was behaving differently. Not ready to handle additional drama in my life right now. I have waaaay too much now.

Doable has not been around or communicated with me since he said I was doable.

And...dear Doug... Well, I've heard from him. But that can't go anywhere either.

So, I am starting back at square one.

The Not So Good Weekend

I did not really enjoy my Labor Day Weekend at all.

Oh, I got lots done. Did a ton of laundry. Did some ironing. Cleaned the kitchen and all that stuff. BUT...I was alone.

I actually thought I had gotten past it all. I thought I had grown beyond the feelings of loneliness and I was really looking forward to spending some down time with myself while my daughter went off to middle Tennessee for the weekend to spend with her sister.

I was wrong.

I was down.

The memorial service did not help me much. Sadly, a great deal of my feelings hinged on that service. The old fundamentalist christian way...and teaching....started me down a path of wondering if I am really on the correct one...or just being deceived.

You see, I take my spirituality very seriously. I love my God...and do my best to keep Him at the forefront of every decision....and every thought.

But even though I have achieved a certain amount of wholeness in being queer....and I like the man I have become as a result of these past 5 years or so, it doesn't take very much to stir up a whiff of doubt....and then I begin to travel down the path of beating myself up.

So that's where I was this weekend.

Tonight I meet with my gay men's Bible group. I always enjoy being with my friends. Perhaps that will perk me up a bit.

Being Gay in a Sea of Straights

I am currently in the middle of my Labor Day Weekend -- my very quiet Labor Day Weekend -- a time of reflecting on the past, the present and the future.

I am being honest here. This is being written from the deepest parts of me.

Leading up to this weekend has been a full week. I've heard from my friend Doug a number of times. I had some quality time with the "Sex God". Andy has called and written me messages. I've even gotten messages from "K."

I knew that the memorial service for pastor that was murdered would be happening this morning (Sunday). (See my entry from August 30.) So I thought it would be good for me to go and to touch bases with the widow and his remaining son. (His eldest son is the one who killed him....so very tragic.)

I tried to get one of the men currently in my world to go with me. They each had a thousand reasons for not going. So I took that as an indication that maybe God wanted me to go alone....for some unknown reason. I did...and when I got to that place...which was over an hour away from where I live, I was confronted with the stark reality of just how much my life has changed. AND...in typical fashion, I began to seriously question if my life, in the face of all the leaps forward I thought I had taken, is really in fact, better.

I watched all the folks at the service. They were each wrapped up in their grief....and they truly glorified and deified the pastor. I knew him many years ago...and found him to be gentle and loving....but highly aloof. I worked around it all because I felt as if he were dealing with his own demons...whatever they were.

I also barely knew the son that murdered him. He was totally out of the regular social whirl of the family and spent the majority of his existence during the time of their pastorate at my church, living away from the family. He was rarely mentioned...and it seemed as though there was an aura of mystery surrounding him.

AND...the subject seemed closed for discussion.

I never pried.

So, I remembered all that as I watched the youngest son -- Paul-- the one that my girls had had a crush on -- the one that suffers from Type I diabetes -- take center stage as the leader of this congregation. He spoke eloquently of his father....and he sang. Oh how this young man sang...I am sure his father would have been so very proud.

I looked around me...and the people here were not of my normal social sphere. They were the kind of people that people like me fear. They are the Bible thumpers.....the ones who say "The Bible say so..." I couldn't help but think....if they only knew that I am a gay man. That I was sitting in their midst. I would have been shunned.

As I continued to look....I noticed that there were some very attractive men there. Generally, each was accompanied by women who did not seem to match their calibre. The women were generally of the hefty size....people that I would find quite unattractive. (Not just because I am not attracted to women in the first place....but I dare say that these women would not be found on the cover of any magazines....)

And so I sat there....

Remembering how I sat in numerous congregations such as this having these same similar thoughts....for many, many years.

My wall was firmly in place.

It was a dose of my former reality....and I felt as thought I were going to explode. In fact, this experience played out on my stomach. It ached....and I felt under stress.

After a few moments, I composed myself....and got into the service. Occasionally I would make eye contact with one of the men in the congregation. It was that knowing look.... It's all in the eyes....how they lock in on you....and you just know.

I was not alone.

Yet, they would never confess what happened. No one would ever know what thoughts crossed their minds then in a fleeting way.

Following the service, I made my way down front to view the displays of photographs...some old...some very recent. I remembered this pastor fondly. I saw his wife....and she saw me....and came rushing to me. She remembered me....and let me know how much my presence meant to her. "Take care of Paul...." she said. "Go let him know that you are here."

I walked over to him....and he was delighted to see me. This beautiful, young 29 year old man through himself at me. We embraced for a good little while.....as I told him that I would be here for him if he needed me.

He gave me a piece of paper that gave directions to a reception following church....at another church north of where we were. He wanted me to come there because of his mom and because of him.

I agreed....and soon found myself in a full social situation with these people.

The people who must not know that I am gay.

So I chit chatted....and talked....and heard their world views....as small minded as they seemed. I learned that the congregation has decided that Paul was going to become their new pastor. He is 29 years old...and has never darkened the door of a seminary. But then, that's how it's done there....in my former life. He came to me twice during the reception to again say how much my presence meant to his family. And to him. I gave him my card with all my contact information. I told him that if he needed anywhere to relax....to see a movie...or share a meal....give me a shout.

I meant every word of it. His best friend is now gone. He's a little boy lost.

It was then time to return to my home.

My visit to my other life was concluded....and I headed home.

Emotionally drained.

Labor Day Weekend

I am going to be all alone this weekend.

As I write this, I have no plans: no picnic, no dates, no trips.

Nothing.

My daughter is headed to visit her sister in Nashville. So I will have my house to myself.

I think what I am going to concentrate on doing is cleaning the place....and getting rid of all the filth that has accumulated. I also have so much junk in my bedroom, I am unable to move around safely. I might even decide to try and rearrange a bit. We'll see how much energy I have after I return from taking my daughter to the airport up in Baltimore in the morning to catch her 7am flight.

Stay tuned.

And Finally Some Really Great News...

I am so very thankful for some good news for a change.

As you know, both of my parents have been battling lung cancer. Mom has been dealing with lung cancer, bone cancer, and colon cancer. For her, it has been in remission for over a year...but she has had a reoccurrence in her lung. She is undergoing radiation treatments to deal with that.

Dad has been undergoing chemotherapy for almost a year. The good news is that his oncologist reported yesterday that his latest cans show that he is clean from the cancer in his lung. YAY!

So I am very happy about this.

As we work to deal with each of the challenges facing my parents...I really want to celebrate each small victory we encounter.

What a great way to kick off a holiday weekend!

A New Place

Well, folks, I have arrived.

Sort of.

I had a conversation with someone very special to me a few days ago. We were reminiscing about the dramas we have eached faced....and we have both survived. I remember so clearly how miserable I was -- not too long ago, all because of my sexuality vs. my spirituality.

It was tormenting...and I remember laying awake at night -- many nights -- begging for healing. Wishing for happiness. Seeking answers to my delimma.

And for all that misery and agony. The gloom and the doom. I think I've finally reached a new place of self-actualization. At the age of 52, I can honestly say with no reservations of any kind, that I am happy.

I am happy to be me.

I am VERY comfortable in my skin.

I am surrounded by many folks who care about me.

Oh, yes, there are times that I long for a special man in my life....

Someone's hand to hold......

Someone to snuggle up with.

But I don't have that.

And the real kicker is.....

all this is okay.

Wow...this is certainly a new place for old Frank.

Things Are A Stirring....

It is a bit hard to believe....but I may finally have piqued the interest of someone...and this is someone that I have had a crush on...

First to just catch you up. I have been blitzed by work at the office...so by the time I reach evening....and going home...I am exhausted.

As I drove home yesterday, my cellphone rang and it was none other than Dan! It was kind of cool to have him call me -- especiallly given the fact that he had spent a significant amount of time with me Sunday afternoon....and Monday afternoon.....

He wanted to know if he could come by last night.

And, since I get a particular good feeling at just looking at him....I agreed.

We spent some time just chatting....and I found out that Scott (his partner) has been out of town this week. He returns today.

Dan told me that he wanted me to know just how much he enjoyed spending time with me. He felt that my house was the one place he felt safe...and he felt that he could just relax and be himself.

I told him that I am glad he felt that way.

And I do. It is just so comfortable with him.

But I am not doing anything to break him and Scott up. I refuse to be involved at THAT level.

Then, there's Andy.

Andy called me late last night....and talked...and talked....and talked. I remind you that this is the man who does not like to talk on the telephone....and that I should know that if I ever get calls from him where he talks and talks and talks...that I should know he likes me.

So, he likes me.

This one is a real potential keeper.

Stay tuned...

The End of A Great Weekend

Today I had the pleasure of having my daughter home with me on my regularly scheduled day off. She had earned a ton of credit hours on her job and she decided to take the day off to spend with her dear old dad.

Lovey was in town today in order to leave to go be in the Netherlands to visit her sister there along with her mother. My daughter fixed us a scrumptuous breakfast. We ate like fiends...and then I had to leav eto run some errands. My daughter tagged along with me and we had a great time just hanging out.

We then spent the afternoon lounging around the pool of friend's ours. It was a great way to relax. (Even Dan swooped by for a swim.

I declare...I wonder about this man. Scott has been out of town...and will be back on Wednesday.

But, who knows....how that is going.

Dan seemed a bit pensive today as we talked.

Now word from Andy....in response to my emails.

Hopefully I will hear something from him later this week.

Early Monday Morning

Here's a picture I took while I was at work this weekend photographing that floral design convention. Feel free to comment on what you think.

Much has happened in my life since that last posting I made. My MAC laptop croaked...so I had to splurge on a brand new computer. This time I opted for a desktop. It's a beauty. It's a 27inch I-Mac with one terabyte of storage capacity....and so much RAM...it flies through tasks I ask it to do.

I spent all day Friday, Saturday and a hunk of the day this weekend photographing a flower show in Fairfax. They provided all my meals....my lodging.....and my registration for the event....and I got to take a ton of pictures. It was certainly an interesting event to be part of. But all the flowers....the pollen...the fragrances...etc...sent me into an asthma overload. I have hacked and coughed all weekend long.

Another side benefit of the weekend was getting the opportunity to visit with my married friend, Doug. He's a floral designer...and just a wonderful person to be with. We laughed and got to spend some really special time together.

Late on Friday night, my world got a little bit complicated. A man that had served as my former pastor in my other life when I was a fundamentalist pentecostal was tragically murdered at the hand of his oldest son following a rather heated argument over something trivial. From what I have heard...and it never has been confirmed by the family...and probably won't, the young man has been battling his own demons for quite sometime. He's been diagnosed as being bi-polar...and on top of things, he is a gay man -- clearly something that his dad could not accept.

My pastor died on Monday....and now his son is charged with first-degree murder.

There is going to be a memorial service here in my area next Sunday. So, I am planning to go and be part of this...to offer whatever kind of support I can to the remaining family.

I was fairly close to my pastor. In fact, I served as the Chairman of the Board of Deacons during his tenure. It is a shock...and I am still unglued by it all.

While he was serving my church, the eldest son was always living out of the area....and they never seemed to talk about him much. My gaydar went off a number of times when I would get to see this boy....but it was never really confirmed until just now.

Tonight when I got settled back home....I was invited to dinner by my pal Greg the photographer. He was telling me all about his photoshoots....and I got to tell him about my adventures in the land of floral design....and flowers!

Dan appeared at my house tonight....and we got to visit and get caught up. "K" has sent me a ton of messages that I received on my Blackberry while I was at my photoshoot. Andy sent me an email just before he toddled on off to bed. I felt bad because I didn't get it until just now when I opened my email here on the computer. So I fired off a note to him fairly quickly. AND...I just noticed that Sex God has emailed me. (I just haven't had the energy to open that one.)

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Lovey is in town. She and her mother are headed off to the Netherlands tomorrow afternoon. My daughter and I are invited to breakfast with them first thing in the morning. She and I then have a swim date with Dan at a mutual friend's swimming pool.

So lots is happening. Lots has happened.

And I apologize to all of you dear and faithful readers for not being able to keep you updated while I was working my buns off over the weekend.

Comfortable In My Own Skin

Each new day for me is an adventure.

Back in the olden days, I often asked God why I was made like I am. I mean, I was gay. (I still am.) I was overweight. I was not athletic. I was contantly picked on and made to be the brunt of jokes. I did not feel "normal."

Day in and day out...the harassment never stopped.

I internalized a whole lot back then and I remember having internal discussions with myself every day as I would wait for my carpool to pick me up.

"You can do this, Frank. You can get through another day."

This became my mantra.

My stomach usually was in knots...and I had stomachaches.

I was not happy.

In fact, I was miserable with my life then.

So my defenses started being built. I built inpenetrable walls. I'm sure I came across as cold and aloof. I became a loner.

I buried myself in church work. I was able to hide my strangeness and anti-social behavior in the cloke of religiosity.

Looking back at it all now, I was really and odd duck.

Fast-forward to today.

I marvel at the man I have become. I'm totally happy. I look at my gayness as just another one of my fascinating traits that makes me the loveable and unique person I am. I'm somewhat of a social butterfly. I have a full social calendar.

Continually, I look at myself and my desires and wonder if my standards are too high....or if my expectations are too far beyond what they should be. I've reached the conclusiont hat perhaps my view of what relationships are versus what I desire may be slightly askew. Perhaps this is some residual effects of the "Old" Frank and his perceptions of the world.

After the post yesterday, I realized that there are a number of men who seem interested in me on some level. I've spent so much time bitching about my lack of a boyfriend/partner/husband...that I forget that I must be doing something right. Oh, to put it bluntly, I don't have any guy yet who has vowed their undying love and devotion to me. I haven't walked down the aisle yet.

But, for all their shortcomings....all these men are good men. They are still getting to know me on some levels. They like spending time with me. All of them, (except Sex God) seem to want to know me on a deeper level than just to find out what I can do for them between the sheets.

So, isn't this what I am looking for?

Wake up, Frank!

Sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees! LOL. I think this is my problem.

I like the man I am. I've got a good heart. I have much to offer. It's gonna happen sooner or later. (A lot of you have told me this.)

I'm relaxed. Happy. Content.

Last night my daughter and I had dinner at a local Cheesecake Factory. The food was out of this world -- it always is there. I noticed how people treated me as we walked to and from the place from my car. People would make eye contact and smile...or nod.

When we got settled at out table....I just happened to look over at the next table. There was a humongous family seated there...happily eating...and celebrating one of their members' birthdays. I suppose my relaxed aura showed....because one of the kids looked up at me and said, "Hi! What's your name?"

"I'm Frank. Who are you?"

"I'm Kevin."

"Pleased to meet you Kevin."

Next thing I know, the whole family starts acknowledging us...

Not too long ago, this would not have happened.

At another restaurant....in a darker time, a woman started chatting with me. She said that I had a rather foreboding coutenance....and did not seem too approachable.

I was shocked...and semi offended. But in looking back at that time, I know that she was right.

Man, have I come a very long way.....and I'm still here to tell you all about it!

A Long and Very Slow Day...

Today is just a very long and slow day here at my office.

The high point of the day was when I received a telephone call from Doug. I am doing some photography work for him this weekend and he wanted to confirm that I was still going to assist him. I told him that I was... So, I get to spend the entire weekend with him.

I will get to see him in his element and watch how he interacts with his colleagues and clients.

He sounded happy and excited. I may get to take him to a gathering of my friends on Saturday night. We will play that one by ear.

Hopefully this will be a quiet and restful weekend.

The Laptop Has Died

My trusty Mac Powerbook G4 died last night.

It has been my faithful companion now for 5 years...and I have certainly put it through all the paces over that time. We've created video together. We've managed my photo and music libraries together. I've composed my email on it. I established this blog on it.

And it is dead.

I have an appointment at the Apple Store this evening to see if it can be fixed. I am prepared to buy a new computer, but...gosh...I hate that this one has failed.

Life goes on...

A curious thing happened to me yesterday. I got an email from the kisser. (Henceforth known as "K".) (The married guy that wanted me to meet his mom....) He just wanted me to know that I was beautiful.

Never really considered myself in those terms before. Another hot guy told me I was "doable" last week....

I just wonder what all this means...or if he is even giving me a second thought. Well, I suppose he is giving me additional thoughts in order for him to write me... But I just wonder in what context he thinks of me....as a friend? as a partner? as a friend with benefits? Just what?

So, let's recap:

I have a number of really neat men in my life at the moment:

Dan - the man who likes pretending we are a couple....and who is looking for a partner with special qualities. His current partner, Scott, is not fitting the bill.

Andy - the cutey pie with the sweet and gentle temperament....with killer legs...powerful thighs....great chest.... He wants to go slow.

"K" - the man who is married and who likes to kiss me in front of his wife. I've become friends with the wife....I've met his mother.....and I've seen the new house. I've also learned his wife and he sleep in separate bedrooms.

Doug - the wonderful older man that is also married. We really enjoy spending time together. One of the last times we spent together, he announced that "I'm Dangerous" because I tempt him in ways that are frightening to him.

"Sex God" - the slightly younger man that only wants me around for sex. Now the sex is powerfully awesome...but I have pulled back from this relationship because I want/need more than just an intense romp in the hay.

"Doable" - the attractive man who pronounced me as "doable." Need I say more?

So, for all my bitching....there are men out there... I am blessed to have such men in my life. Many people in my situation would give their right arms to have one good guy.....but so far I have six potential men -- not counting Jake -- who I sitll have not heard from...

I'm just anxious to start something. I'm not getting younger. Dan, Andy, "K" or Doug would be great boyfriends. With my luck they will all probably step up to the plate all at once. Then how do I decide who the lucky man is going to be?

I am willing to take my time. I want this to be the best choice for me.

Something That Made Me Smile....

I had a coffee date with that guy who called me on August 21st. He was the subject of my post OUT OF THE BLUE. Let's use his name -- Andy.

So, I have had the opportunity to chat a little with Andy over the weekend. Nothing substantive...but I've wanted him to know that I was thinking about him...and being mindful of how he detests being on the telephone, I just did not want to push my luck.

We confirmed our plans yesterday afternoon. I must say, i was looking forward to spending some time with him. Turns out he was having dinner with another friend...but he wanted to do dessert with me. (This was fine.)

So he called me at 9pm and said that he was headed to the place we had agreed upon. When I pulled up...I must see he struck a fine form in his shorts....and t-shirt. He is taller than me...a little buffer....and his legs were really nice to look at. But, I did this scoping out of him with all good taste...and stolen glances.

Really I'm not a sex-maniac and I am not desperate. But I do admire beauty when I see it.

This is a beautiful man.

I suppose the thing that makes him beautiful to me...not only do I find him quite attractive....but he has a gentle nature about him. He is kind...and spiritual. He has a strong faith in God....and I find this so refreshing.

I'm digressing....

So we order our coffee and start talking. We spent two hours together. We then walked outside.....and stood under the awning of the establishment, while the misting rain fell. He then turned to me and gave me a really big hug....

and a peck on the lips.

It felt so good.

He looked at me and then smiled.....and said.... "You're quite an attractive guy."

I think I blushed.

"I'm serious." he said.

"You are too...." I responded.

There...I let it be known. Frank was attracted to Andy.

I went on.

"But...you know, Andy, what I find most attractive about you of all? Your spirituality....your gentleness.....your kindness."

He blushed.

"I've always been eager to jump between the sheets with someone who is the least bit interested. But with you, it is so different. I want to go slow," he said quietly.

"I like slow." I answered.

Another hug....another kiss.

Late at night in a parking lot......a light summer mist falling....

Could this be the one?

I just received an email from him this morning. It says: "I always leave our meetings feeling content and relaxed after our talks...Hugs"

Why is the Fantasy Always so Much Better Than in Real Life?

I have thought a lot about this man named Jake who was our waiter last night at dinner. He was such a cutie and so sincere.

But to be very honest here....I kind of wonder if he was just out after a larger tip.

No note.

No communication at all.

Ah...why is the fantasy always so much better than real life?

Oh I could conjure up all kinds of scenarios with the man from Friday night......or picture a perfect romantic evening with Dan......or think up most any type of situation involving any of those men I am friends with that I have the crushes for....

But they are never going to happen the way that I picture them....

Why can't they?

A New Day Has Come!

What a wacky weekend!

I'm still reeling from that encounter with the waiter. If I never hear from him, it will be okay because he just made my entire day!

Reading your comments makes me realize just how random all of that was...and makes me wonder if this is how I'm going to meet the man who will become my partner....my beloved? Gee, I suppose it could happen anywhere....or at anytime.

My daughter is still shocked about the waiter. It struck her about how nervous he was when he started the conversation with me. I thought it was kind of cute. She felt so sorry for him. I asked her "Well, have you ever approached a total stranger before? Someone that you may have felt a sprig of attraction for? I give him an A+ for effort!"

She nodded and agreed.

"Bless his heart," she said.

Strange, But True

Some facets of this weekend have seemed like trips to the Twilight Zone. Just take a look at all that happened on Friday night!

For all its strangeness....nothing compares with what happened to me today. The nice thing about this, my daughter witnesses this and it left her scratching her head.

Following church....my normal gathering for lunch afterwards.....and then a family gathering, my daughter and I decided to have dinner at a wonderful mexican restaurant we know. So, we got settled and just were chit chatting.

Our waiter named Jake showed up with our chips and salsa...along with our menus. He took our drink orders. As I talked with him, he just seemed different. He was quite attractive and young...very young...but I did not think too much about it.

When he return to our table....he made mention of the outfit I was wearing. "I really like that shirt you have on..." I commented that it was much cooler than the outfit I had on yesterday when I was at a wedding to take pictures. "Oh really? Are you a photographer?"

He then went off on a discussion about this photographer he likes....then he asked what my outfit was yesterday. When I said it was purple and black....he said, "Wow, I bet that looked really good. I love those colors."

He got a little tongue tied.

He then disappeared to check on our food....and my daughter said, "Dad, I think he is hitting on you."

It did seem a bit odd...all this attention he was paying to me. It was as if my daughter were invisible.

When he appeared with our food....I struck up another conversation with him. He told me that he was pursuing a computer degree....he also told me how long he had worked at this restaurant... etc.

Every few moments he came by and my daughter said that when he was behind me, he kept looking at me.

It totally amazed her.

Finally he brought us boxes to take our food home....and our bill. I told my daughter that I was going to have some fun with Jake. I was going to write down my cell phone number, but she thought my email address would be much better. So I put it at the bottom of the signed receipt...and put it into the wallett for him to pick up. I decided to wait for him.

He finally came by...and I handed the bill back to him. He told me what a delight it had been to serve me. I wished him luck in everything he does...and he reached out to shake my hand. I shook it....then he said, "But I don't know your name..." I said, "I put my email address down at the bottom of the receipt....drop me a note!"

He beamed!

"All right" he said.

I gently rubbed his lower back..."I would really enjoy hearing from you," i said....and he nodded.

With that we parted.

My daughter was dumbstruck...

"Why can't anything like that ever happen to me?" she said.

I chuckled and thought...this was really random.

Do you think he will write me?

Is It Friendship or Is It Something More?

Mixed signals...I hate 'em.

When I receive 'em...I get very frustrated with myself because I have just enough timidity to not want to explore it further and find out what kind of signal is being sent.

Is it for friendship?

Is it for friends with benefits?

Is it for something way better than any of the above?

Who knows?

Friday night I was invited to dinner with "that man" who has the wife. The story is that she wants him to find a "partner"...and he kissed me in front of her, God and everyone else in the middle of this year's Pride. What's with that?

Oh, it wasn't a tongue inspection of my tonsils or upper throat region....but it was a kiss....full on the mouth and lips....and a BIG hug...with an apology of wanting to spend more time with me, but physically being unable to do so because of leg surgery.

He and I have had dinner....where he introduced me fully to his wife back in July. (See July 21st post.)

Then this past Friday, I am invited to his new house to meet his mother.....and spend time with he and his wife...

Upon my arrival, I realized I had left the little housewarming present sitting on my kitchen counter. Felt like a heal...(when I told him this later...he says, "Well, you have another excuse to come back!")

So, I found the new house...and pulled into the driveway. As I was getting settled and ready to exit the car, the front door opens and he walks out alone to meet me. There he was....all tanned....all cute.....my heart melted. But then this is nothing new it always does when I am around him. I get all tongue tied and can't think of things to say....or when I do say something I thnk I babble.

Anyway, there he is....all 6'3" or 6'4" of himself. I approach him and there he goes again...

A big kiss on the lips.....and a big bear hug.

Right there in front of God and his neighbors.

I floated into his house.....said hello to his wife. She gave me a great big hug...... Then I made my way over to his mom....shook her hand.

He and his wife then gave me the grand tour of their home. In a nonchalant way, they informed me that they each have their own bedrooms and sleep alone.

My goodnes I thought.....with a husband like this and you sleep by yourself! WHEW!

The evening flew by....and I got to know them even better. But, it got to be "that" time when I had to drive home. He lives about 10 miles from me. They made all kinds of plans as to what all we could do together....explore DC......he wants to watch me do a photoshoot....he wants to join my gay bowling league....

We then walked out into the night to my car-- me, he and she. I hugged her good night.....and walked over to him. It happened AGAIN. He wrapped those big strong arms around me......put his lips on mine.....and releaed me to go to my car.

It took my breath away.

Is it friendship he's after or is it for something more?

Stay tuned and perhaps we will all find out together!

Out of the Blue - 2

It has been a good morning thus far. Beautiful blue sky. Nice late summer day.

It is Friday.

And I just got of the telephone from another caller that came "out of the blue."

I've spoken of my crushes that I have. These are all men that I am attracted to and for whom I have felt that gentle squeeze on my heart that tells me that I could definitely feel more than just the good feelings one feels when experiencing animalistic passion between the sheets.

This particular gentleman and I have been friends for six months. He's younger than me. I met him through friends...and I've had the opportunity to spend a little time with him. It has all been good. I wrote about him back on July 21.

He's the guy that is married, who kissed me full on the lips in front of his wife at Gay Pride. Back on July 21, he and his wife were on the way out of town for vacation, but she wanted to get to know me better. So we spent the time talking about a host of things. I just totally felt comfortable with both of them. He is the man that's wife knows of his gayness....who wants him to have a partner.

Just now he called to say that him and her have finally settled into their new house. They want me to come to dinner....and to meet his mother!

His mother?!!!?!?!?

Of all my crushes....this man has managed to move into first place.

It is all I can do to keep my mind focused....and to play cool when I am around him.

This could all just be his desire to have friends and I could be one of many. It could all just be in my head....the thoughts that he might be scoping me out.....etc.....etc.

I realize that.

But over dinner this evening it will be great to enjoy his closeness......his attentiveness......his kindness...... and just to make eye contact with him.

And to daydream...

Out of the Blue

Lunchtime at my office is a pretty special moment for me.

Not because of the food (god knows I love food.).

Not because I have taken the first word of EAT PRAY LOVE literally, as I continue my spiritual quest....see below.

Lunchtime is just time when I can leave my office....find a spot to ponder...or, because I happen to work in one of the most exciting cities on the planet, actually walk the three blocks to the Capitol or check out a new exhibit at one of the Smithsonian Museums. I could even walk along the Tidal Basin or the Waterfront.

It's really a cool life!

Yesterday the temperature was mild. So, after I ate my sandwich, I decided to find a nice bench and people watch. It's one of my favorite pastimes. It's nothing for me to do this and the President drives by....or the Prime Minister of Great Britain. Or I watch a network journalist doing a standup for the nightly news.

I told you it was a cool life.

But yesterday I found a bench outside of NASA. As I sat under the shade of a tree and relaxed, my cellphone rang.

When I picked it up, it was a man that I have been friends with for a couple of months. He's one of those guys that are too busy for a relationship. He told me that he does not talk on the phone....he hates it. We've had dinner together a number of times.

But I've always felt like the initiator...and I was just tired of that.

So, I let him slide for almost two weeks.

And here he was, on his lunch hour, talking to me on the telephone!

"Wow", I said. "it's you!"

"Yeah," he laughed. "I didn't want you to think I had blown you off or something."

We talked for twenty more minutes. He says that he wants to see me on Monday night when he returns from out of town!

I ended the conversation kind of playfully. "Well, I just want you to know, friend, how blown away I am here. I mean, you said that if I ever have a long phone call with you, it means you like me. So, am I safe to assume that you now like me -- I mean since we've been on this call for almost 30 minutes -- on our lunch hours?" I chuckled.

"Indeed," he said. "I like you...and I like spending time with you."

SCORE!

My Quest for Spiritual Wholeness

From my earliest memories, I have been aware of my spiritual self. I can't remember ever having been trained in this or ever having been given the command by the adults that orbited in and out of my life, "You shall be spiritual....or you shall be Christian."

It's just something that has always been.

So, as I have repeatedly said in this blog, I take my spirituality quite seriously. Had it not been for my relationship with God, I don't believe I would have survived the gay thing; it's fallout and my subsequent divorce were just too traumatic to have survived it alone.

But...

In saying all this, I have to also confess that I do not consider myself a spiritual giant by any means.

I'm just an average everyday man, who happens to be gay...who is also conscious of God's presence and who happens to be striving to become more aware of His presence. I feel like I am still spiritually in pieces at times and so, before I leave this planet, I very much want to experience wholeness.

Part of my journey has led me through the lives of some pretty interesting people. As a result I have learned so very much from each of them.

For some odd reason, I just have this feeling in my gut that I am on the threshold of bigger and better things. Perhaps I may fully realize my long held dream of that special man in my life.....or I may get to experience some long held dreams. Whatever the case, it makes my heart flutter with an air of expectancy.

This has all been increased following my viewing of the new Julia Roberts film, "Eat, Pray, Love". This movie is perhaps the best one I have seen in a number of years. It fully resonated with me on levels that I hadn't expected.

The Julia Roberts character (Elizabeth Gilbert) reminds me of me. I understand how she felt.

I get it.

So much in fact that I have gotten the book and am now reading it.

When Oprah first introduced me to Ellizabeth Gilbert and the book on her television program, even though I found the story interesting, it seemed to only be targeted to a female audience. It's kind of like O Magazine being described as a women's magazine. EPL seemed to be a women's book.

As a gay man, I let the story drop.

I am so thankful for the new film. It's appeal is broad....it's not just a women's movie.

It's for me too.

So let's just see where I go from here!

The Heart of Gay Relationships

Call me slow.

VERY slow.

Or call me Pollyanna.

More bluntly, just call me stupid.

I have this ideal in my mind. I meet this wonderful man....he's kind, compassionate, considerate, loving, affectionate. We meet and fall in love. Then we begin a life together....filed with love and laughter.....good and bad times -- but because we have each other, the bad is more bearable.

****sound of a old phonograph needle being dragged across and album*****

OUCH.

So far, in the gay world, this is not my experience.

Yesterday I learned this first hand.

As a result of some big changes I made to one of my profiles on one of those dating sites, folks are cruising by my profile and some are making contact. One guy in particular caught my eye.

He wrote to me faithfully for a period of about a week. It was fun. He is ten years younger. Nicely built. Said he enjoyed everything I do.

So, since I took the day off yesterday...and was already out and about, I thought I would meet him.

Which I did.

The first thing he wanted was for me to service him.

Yup...in "that" way.

That's not what I am about.

So needless to say....I didn't stay long....and I left....

The relationship was over long before it could ever start.

It's discouraging....it's bothersome.... AND....what a waste of my time and apparently his.

So, I am left to wonder, when you are dating....and meeting new people......how does one know that they aren't being sold a bill of goods without substance? Is the heart of gay relationships only in how long it takes to get both parties between the sheets?

If it is....and the number of gay relationships are a series of sexual encounters....I suppose it says a whole lot more about the status of those relationships than I had ever pondered.

Most of the guys I am meeting don't appear to want any substance. They seem to thrive on the rush that comes along with the hunt....and then the conquering. When the moaning stops, they throw you a towel....show you the door....and get online looking for the next conquest. The performance pressure is on: you better be at your best. Forget about the nervousness....or the uncertainty.....or learning what makes the other guy quiver.... Forget about close and intimate conversation before during and after. Just get in, get off and get out.

Apparently...all it takes is fifteen minutes or less.

So here I am....a good guy....looking for a special man. He's kind, compassionate, considerate, loving, affectionate. We meet and fall in love. Then we begin a life together....filed with love and laughter.....good and bad times -- but because we have each other, the bad is more bearable. We even grow old together. We know everything about each other.

Sometimes I wonder if it even exists in the gay world.

Only time will tell as I continue my quest....

Another Relationship Heals!

My ex bf contacted me on Facebook. He initiated a friend request...and then followed up with an invitation to eat dinner together. We set a date and time...and off we went to a little diner not far from my house.

This is the young man that I dated a year ago...and he dumped me in order to begin a relationship with my best friend. It all went down quite badly. After it went down....my now former best friend attempted to out me to everyone on my Facebook page...and became furious when I dropped him.

As a result of all this stupid chain of events....my ex and I never got to finish bringing things to closure between us....until we had dinner the other night.

It was great getting to talk to him and to catch up....and to move past everything that was keeping us apart.

Forgiveness is a wonderful thing!

I Almost Let the Cat Out of the Bag - 2

I have so much that I can write about....but given the lateness of the hour, I will only write one brief tale tonight. Stay tuned during tomorrow for aFol whole host of installments.

Following the excitement of last night, I had today off. I spent the day cleaning and doing laundry -- regular fun stuff. At lunch time, I thought it might be wise to write a thank you note to Dan about him being such a good sport for riding with me to the wake. It wasn't anything all that spectacular.....just your basic, run-of-the-mill thank you.

Early in the afternoon I got a couple of emails back from him. telling me how much he enjoyed being with me last night....and how much he appreciated my willing to listen to him....as he was sorting out various things in his life.

Imagine my surprise when he asked if I would like to see a movie tonight.... He couldn't go until around 10...and he said he would understand if I couldn't since I have to work tomorrow. I wrote him back and agreed to do it.

So we met at the appointed time at the theater. We spent time chatting....and he began covering similar issues that he did last night on the way home from the wake. Clearly the man has a lot of stuff on his mind. So I listened.

We then went into the movie.... The movie ended around 12:30...and we walked out slowly to the parking lot where our cars were parked. He and I were parked nearly side by side.

I walked him to his car....and he came over and gave me a gigantic hug. I told him that I really cared for him....and how special he was.

And for a split instant....I saw something pass through his eyes. It's a look that I have not see before. It was a look of endearment...tenderness....all that. But it passed by very quickly.

As we got over to his side of the car....I gave him another big hug....and a kiss on the cheek. He then started talking about something totally unrelated. I chuckled. I honestly think he is oblivious......or he is being coy. So I stroked his cheek......and I said, "You are so funny!"

He looked up at me....and said, "Why do you say that?"

I responded by saying...."You just are."

With that I told him good night......and he drove off....

You may wonder why I didn't just lay all my cards on the table. Well, here is the reason.....I have no interest in complicating his life with Scott, even though he is certainly questioning that relationship. I will not be the "other woman."

But....after he gets a chance to think things through a bit.....and he gets over his being oblivious......then he might be able to figure out what I am trying to say.

Stay tuned.

I Almost Let the Cat Out of the Bag

Happy Monday to all of you. I am off today trying to get some things cleaned up around my house.... Yesterday was quite an adventure for me....

I spent the day traveling to a town not far from where Lovey lives. I had to attend a wake of a lady that I have known for quite sometime and could not talk my daughter into driving with me. (She had a cookout to attend...)

So, I thought of one of my crushes. Actually he not only is someone I have had a secret crush for for many, many, years....but he is a dear friend that I love deeply. The only thing is he is totally clueless as to the depths of my feelings for him. After church yesterday, I called him up to see if he was doing anything. I casually mentioned that I was getting ready to drive the long distance to attend the wake in the late afternoon....and that I would not be returning until late that night.

I invited him to go along! I never imagined that he would do this. He stays quite busy with his life...and his boyfriend. But, to my surprise, he was all for going with me. "After all the stuff you do for me," he said, "It would be my pleasure to spend some time with you."

So, off we were. Traffic was a mess.....and I wound up taking the scenic route on some long and winding roads. The trip to the wake was filled with chit chat......and my GPS system...... We talked and laughed.

I told him about my "doable" story. He roared. I also told him another story involving some friends of miine who sent me for 4 cans of crisco for an impromptu fisting party they were throwing. (That's a story for another day.....trust me....) No, I did not get into fisting, but I was roped into photographing it for them! UNREAL. But my friend and I laughed and laughed about it. I said I would never look at CRISCO in the same way again.....and he kept reminding me that I was highly doable.

We had another laugh when, here in the middle of red-neck estates, two gay guys (us) pull into the mighty crowded funeral home and as we found a parking spot, there was a man in a baseball cap and a girl making out big time by his pick up....right there in front of god and everyone....within shouting distance of the corpse's on display. When we parked.....we roared again!

"Get a room!" we said in unison.

As luck would have it, we ran into Lovey almost first thing. She gave me "that" look. The one that seemed to say, "oh my goodness, you brought your boyfriend with you..."

I introduced her to Dan. I could tell that she was making all kinds of assumptions..... We proceeded into the viewing room. Dan was right behind me. I turned back and said..."she thinks you and I are a couple."

Dan said, "And you are not going to do or say anything to correct her!"

"But...." and he shsssshed me.

We viewed the body.....signed the register, I filled out a slip of paper giving the family a little memory of the decesaed that I had...... I was then ambushed by a host of people I had not seen in a very long time. I did not noticed that Dan had disappeared.

So after I had spent about 20 minutes offering condolences to various and sundry people.....I was ready to go.

Dan was no where to be found.

I walked out to the parking lot....and he wasn't there.

I looked on the front porch of the mortuary....and he wasn't there....

I went back into the viewing area and there he was.....sitting on a comfy couch.........with.....LOVEY!

So he got up and made room for me to sit next to her. (Did he really have to do that?) He then said that he had to find the men's room, but would be back. He then ased me if I was doing okay and as he did so he gave me one of those loving...concerned look that a boy friend would give to another.

I could have clobbered him.

He disappeared....and Lovey then started chirping away about all the people she had seen. She couldn't remember some folks' names...and I reminded her.

I then made a comment about how we needed to get going. Lovey wanted to know if we had dinner plans....she hadn't gotten to have dinner..... But she didn't want to horn in on any special plans that Dan and I had.

I told her that I would check with him....

As if almost on cue, he reappeared....and I looked at him and said, "Lovey wants to know if she can join us for dinner!"

"Certainly," Dan said....rubbing my shoulder.

So not long afterwards there he and I -- the happy couple -- sat across from Lovey, having a wonderful steak dinner. She then asked about how long we had known each other.....and other little chit-chat. Internally, I was mortified.

Dan kept answering all the questions good naturedly.....where he was from......what kind of work he did......how hard it was for him to keep Frank out of trouble......how glad he was that Frank was in his life......

Oh my goodness.

I felt like I was in an episode of "I Love Lucy."

Then it was time to head home. Dan actually hugged and kissed Lovey goodbye....and off we were....heading back up the long and winding country road home in the summer darkness.

After all that, I decided to just be quiet. I did not know what to say. I was afraid to say anything actually....for fear of saying something inappropriate.

I concentrated on the road.

Mortification was setting in full force.

Dan then started talking....about how good his relationship with Scott is. How compatible they are. How great the sex is. I told Dan that I was very happy for him.

Then he said something that made my heart skip a beat....."I'm not sure though that he is the one for me for a lifetime though. There are areas that give me reason to pause."

"Oh?" I said...trying to be nonchalant.

I really wanted to tell him how our little charade really made me feel. How perfect it felt....how he actually completed and verbalized thoughts I was thinking......how proud I felt to have him there with me......and how perfectlly he handled Lovey."

"What are the qualities you are looking for in a lifetime partner, Dan? What would that look like if you could define it?"

He then began describing me...

I chuckled.

And I almost told him.....

but I lost my nerve.

Just then his cellphone went off....and it was Scott.

The car sped on through the summer night.

Who Is My Mr. Right?

Okay...in response to the queries I have received....here are some of the characteristics of my Mr. Right. Please note that these are not set in stone, but are just the kinds of things I look for in a life mate:

1. Someone around the age of 50 -- give or take. Typically I am not attracted to folks below 30....simply because that my kids are in the 24-26 yo age range. To me, it just seems creepy to be dating someone that age.

2. Someone my height or taller -- give or take. I'd really like someone who is 6'2" or taller...just from the standpoint I have always fantasized about looking up...and stretching to hug or kiss my special guy. Stupid I know...but it's my fantasy.

3. Someone who is attractive -- at least to me. This is one of those cases where I'll know it when I see it. They don't have to have the body of a porn star.....or sculpted like a greek god.....(although I wouldn't reject them if they looked that way.). I like athletic looks.....football player builds.....bears.....and the like. I like facial hair.....wonderful eyes.....a person who is strong.

4. Someone who can be romantic and not be afraid to hold hands....be a great kisser....and to not be afraid of expressing his feelings verbally.....or nonverbally in a physical way. Yes, we're talking about sex here. I am all for cuddling and snuggling. Just touching and coming up behind me and hugging....AWESOME.

5. Someone who can cry when touched by a movie....or a love note.....or a card....

6. Someone who is not afraid of monogamy in the traditional sense and understands commitment. So many gay men have different interpretations of the word monogamy. I want someone who defines it the same way I do: "You don't take off your clothes and assume a lying down position....or do certain acts on another man besides me."

7. Someone who can hold a conversation about world affairs, current events....is intelligent....has a good job....and knows how to shoulder responsibility. I am not going to be anyone's sugar daddy.

8. Someone that is open to life's possibilities and will not rule anything out.....including marriage. Having a full fledged....fulltime gay male partner will be a tremendous step for me. It will certainly be the culmination of my coming out process. This step will take some time......and I want someone there who is very open to all possibilities.....as I am.

9. Someone that likes adventure. I'd like to travel....I have a bucket list of things I'd like to do....and would encourage my partner to develop the same and we set about doing those things.

10. Someone that enjoys the beach....and downtime......romantic get aways to the mountains......trips to junk stores or to car shows.....or figuring out new things to do.

I am sure I could go on. But I will stop here. My standards are above average. I know that.

I am not asking for anything more than I am willing to give.

So look out!

Rainy Sunday Morning

It's hot and humid, overcast and rainy here in the DC metro area this morning. I'm slowly maneuvering to get out the door to church. I awoke at 4am this morning and my mind was flooded with everything imaginable. My heart raced...and I had a hard time going back to sleep. I finally did, but was awakened by my daughter in Nashville who was having car problems.

Ah...the life of a dad is never done.

This weekend I have made some friends out in cyberspace....who have been asking me basic questions about my sexuality and the down and dirty of how I managed things while being married to a woman. I don't mind telling them bits and pieces of the story of mine....but I find afterwards that I am kind of drained -- even though those painful days are long gone.....Lovey is history.....and I am just trying to negotiate my life as an out, proud gay man.

It feels like I am in a new place these days. I'm a little more self-assured. I'm not willing to just be driven by the whims of my magic stick between my legs.

I am truly looking for something emotional....and meaningful. I'm open to experiencing a relationship with someone where the sex is a normal outgrowth of the intense feelings I have for someone -- not in order to solely get my rocks off.

But I must say....as I have alluded to many times....it is very slow going.....sometimes......especially on this wet, yucky day.

As I was laying in the darkness of the predawn hours this morning....I pretended.

I pretended that my dog was an actual living and breathing partner who was asleep next to me. I wondered how it would feel to really have a person next to me through the night. A man that would be there when I awakened. Someone that I could burrow into when I was sad or frightened by life's circumstances.

For just a few moments....it was thrilling. It was awesome.

Then the dog sneazed and yawned.....and began scratching himself.....and I was jolted to my senses.

One day it is gonna happen.

One day I'm gonna have that missing piece of me.

One day I will have my prince.

And, when I do....look out!

Bitching...

Yes, I have been bitching.

You can see this in my writing.

But that should not be construed to be feeling hopeless about my lack of someone special. It is just my way of dealing with frustration at not finding him. After all, I want him NOW....and I want to get on with my life NOW..... But I am not going to settle for seconds...or leftovers.... My standards are quite high.

I know this.

Yes, there are times I get lonely.

Yes, there are times of private longing.

BUT....there are times that I am so thankful to be who I am. I have no regrets about coming out and living authentically.

I am surrounded by many, many friends.

Overall I am blessed.

But, honestly, there are times when I feel like I am going to explode from the desire to love someone.

All I can say is that it is going to be something when it does happen.

I'm Doable...

Had an opportunity to spend time with a friend today. He and I spent a hunk of time catching up on various facets of our lives.

He is a good looking guy and he is eligible. He also said once that he needed to become more aggressive when it came to me. So I considered him as a distinct possibility for dating.

BUT...when I chatted with him today, he announced that he was in a committed relationship with a married man. He has been involved with him for 10 years....and he knows that it is not going to go anywhere.

Asl he chatted, he then told me that he thought I was quite attractive and quite "doable."

"Doable!"

Should I be offended or should I feel flattered?

I am "doable."

When I pressed him on this...he said that he would be happy to take me to bed. He thought we could tear up the sheets.

As I thought about this....what good is tearing up the sheets when there is nothing left after the moaning stops?

Are my standards too high?

Am I too picky?

Is there actually a man out there some place who is seeking something more like I am?

Where are you guy?

I'm "doable."

From My Blackberry

What I would not give to have that special man in my life!

Today is a bad day on several levels. It would be so cool to have someone that I could curl up next to and spill my guts.

But, not now. Not today.

I heard from my friend Doug today. He is the man who lives south of here who is married. He is also the one who likes spending quality time with me and has told me on a number of occasions how dangerous I am to him and his marriage.

But he still calls me regularly to say how much he thinks about me. How much he cares, etc.

It really means a lot to me.

But, I just wish he were single.

Amazing!

So it proves that I can attract quality men.

Just unavailable quality men!

A Little Romance...

I think what I need more than anything else at the moment is a little romance.

Oh, I'm not saying I need sex mind you. Just a little romance.

Maybe some old fashioned hand-holding -- a kiss or two -- a hug -- being held.
That would do so much for me right now.

But the available guys I know now are:

a) not interested;

b) too busy;

c) already taken by a female or another man;-

c) or, just not aggressive enough.


For example, I am having dinner tonight with a really nice guy. He is super nice...intelligent....a little older than me.....taller than me.....and he has even said that he needs to be more aggressive with me. So, while he may give me a quick peck on the lips....or a big hug....

It won't be romantic.

Right now I can think of 5 such men.

It is frustrating.

A Day Off

My daughter has badgered me about taking a day off during the week so that we could just have some dad and daughter time.

I finally was able to clea rmy schedule, and today was that day. We did not do anything spectacular. We just played some tennis....had the dogs nails clipped.....also trimmed him ourselves.....and then curled up in the basement to watch some movies in my collection.

During the evening I received some very troubling news. One of my best friends from over 30 years ago died unexpectedly this morning. Her daughter had sent me a message on Facebook. I called her to express my condolences and I am planning to go to the wake or the funeral this weekend.

Not too sure how this is all going to work out, but we will see.

As a courtesy, my daughter called Lovey. She told her the bare basic information, and the connection went dead. After about ten minutes, Lovey phoned back and was all in tears about this death. She said that for some unknown reason, this death had affected her in a bad way. But she couldn't remember any of the details around her family...or anything else about her.

I was perplexed....but then, this is Lovey we're talking about.

Nothing she says or does surprises me anymore.

And so it goes.

Frank's Adventure in a Funeral Home

A few months ago I was perusing the obituaries in the Washington Post.

I know....I know...but it was the only section of the newspaper I had during a very boring lunch. It was on one of those stressful days where I was hiding more than anything during my lunch hour.

As I ate my lunch I turned the page and lo and behold there I was on "that" page.

You know the one.

The one with "those" pictures.

Those pictures of the people who have passed on....who were born in say, 1927...and the picture looks like they were 22.

I digress.

As I scanned the names of those who had recently departed, my eyes fell upon a familiar name.

"Surely not," my mind thought as I read the notice for more details.

The name was right. The wife's name was right. But I didn't know his children. Then came the name of a stepson with a very unique surname.

"Yep, that's him!" I told myself.

So I decided to show up for the wake the following evening at the funeral home listed as across town -- way across town from where I live.

I left the office early that day so that I would be sure to arrive at the designated place and time. Gee, I didn't even know that there was a funeral home in that place. Sure enough, there was.

I arrived early to see a somewhat large group of people that all looked unfamiliar to me. The mortician who reminded me more of Santa in black greeted me at the door.

"These people are also here for the viewing," he said somberly, with a smile. "We're not allowing people in until the widow has had an opportunity to view the corpse," he continued. "I suppose she is stuck in traffic."

So I looked around the room and found a very discreet place to sit down to wait.

As I settled and got all comfy, a few more people came wandering in -- none of whom I knew. The mortician appeared again at my side with a candy dish.

"Would you like to have one of these?" he asked?.

"Thank you" as I reached for a mint.

"The wife of the departed is still not here," he said eyeing the assembling crowd nervously.

"I'm sure she will be here just as soon as she can," I said. The viewing was listed as 5pm, but when I looked at the clock, it was very close to 5:30.

More people arrived. This time there were faces I recognized from almost 30 years ago. Thirty years does make a big change in people.

Others just never change.

Several clergymen had now appeared. Other than for a few more gray hairs....and a sagging jowl here or there, and age lines, they were the same as I knew them in the day. One of them, who I had not had any dealing with in decades seemed to recognize me.

He approached me and I addressed him by name and told him who I was.

"Frank, Frank, Frank!" he said in a condescending tone that seemed to begin in heaven and by the third Frank, had reached hell. I knew something wonderful was about to be emitted from his mouth."

"Frank...how are YOOOU?"

But before I could answer, he continued.

"I heard you got a divorce! What happened? You and your wife used to be such fine Christian people!"

"I'm doing fi---------" but before I could finish he had already leaped five giant steps to another ministerial colleague he had not seen in a while.

Thankfully, other people arrived that I knew....who didn't know the fat, middle aged guy I had become, and they left me alone. I was happy they didn't know me. There was the formerly demon-possessed woman, the convicted child-molestor, the microbiologist, the lobbyist, and other assorted people.

Suddenly, the Santa in black returned to stand by my side.

"She's here", he said cheerfully. "There was a horrible accident on the beltway that had delayed her."

"Oh," I replied.

It was only 45 minutes past the beginning of the viewing time listed in the Washington Post.

After a few more minutes, we were all ushered into the viewing room.

The beautiful wooden box was closed.