My social activity has been officially over for approximately one hour.
Tonight was my monthly MOVIE NIGHT for my Gay Married Men's Group. We watched the "Edge of Seventeen" and a spanish movie, "Second Skin". Sorry to say, those movies brought me "down," because they are not "happy" movies. The gays do not live happily ever after. However, in "Edge of Seventeen," is leaves the door open for you to think that there could be happiness down the road for the main character....but you're left hanging. "Second Skin" was about a married man having an affair with a male physician, and the wife finds out about it.... Sounds a bit familiar doesn't it?
It was not a happy movie.
So here I sit trying to figure out how to get out of the dumps. The loneliness kills me. There are no sounds as I write this except for the ticking and chiming of my grandfather clock. The dog is fast asleep.
I need to be asleep too.
I guess the bottom line of this feeling of emptiness and profound loneliness is the post made by a friend of mine in an online support group that I am a part of. It said, "I was reminiscing in my mind on a long drive the other day, about a phrase I heard when I was in my mid twenties. It had a profound impact on my decision to marry and raise a family.
It went:
"NOBODY LOVES YOU WHEN YOU ARE OLD AND GAY"
It literally scared the hell out of me then and still does today. When I
came out to my wife (7 years ago or so) and we entertained the idea of
separation, that old phrase popped up again. I have to admit, it was not
only that I really did love her (and she me), but the fear of not finding
anyone to replace her almost paralyzed me into pursuing any ideas of divorce
and starting all over again with a man or living a life of solitude. I
suppose it says alot about my self esteem and acceptance of my "bent"
orientation."
So I responded to that post with:
"Well guys....yet another perspective.
I have a friend, a minister. He pastored a church in DC and his wife outted him to the congregation. He lost his church, his livelihood....his family. He was devestated. He now lives in an efficiency apartment in DC....has a clerical job which at times drives him crazy...because ministry is what he was meant to do.
That has been MY fear all during my awful separation...and soon-to-be divorce. Simply put: BEING ALONE.
I'm now living that life. It's been doubly compounded by the fact that I have just lost my daughter to El Salvador. So it's just me and the dog.
I don't want to be alone. But I have to tell you...this solitude had raised a lot of issues in me I thought were buried. These are insecurities....and fears. Am I good enough? Am I attractive enough? Will someone want me? How do I date? Will I always be alone? Will I be happy alone? Can I be happy alone?
I am just very down about all this.....and struggling.... It's AWFUL!
At least I have a nice house, a good job...and my dog. I long for a special someone in my life....24/7....and to hold a special place in his heart: numero uno......not left overs...as I was for 25 years in the relationship that just ended!
Sorry to whine...but this is where I am right now."
I'm really trying to plow through all these feelings and insecurities....but it's a lot easier said than done.
It's bedtime and I'm tired.
3 comments:
I'm a straight woman, so I can't say that I know what you're going through. But I think feelings of insecurity and fear of being alone are common, no matter what your orientation.
I know it doesn't seem like it at the moment, but you have been given a gift. Right now, you can reimagine your life however you like. You can pursue whatever interests you, spend time with people who entertain you, or do nothing at all, without being accountable to anyone else.
That's probably a little bit scary to you, because it sounds as though you have been living your life for other people for quite a long time. But in the process of living for everyone else, your needs have been neglected. Now you finally have an opportunity to get in touch with those needs and get them met. That's something to be excited about.
Take care. I wish you all the best on your journey, wherever it takes you.
It gets easier, as you become comfortable with yourself. And, truth be told, it is very liberating to be at this stage of my life. Yes, there is some loneliness, some pain, some sadness, but as they say, "On the other hand, she had warts."
Oh, Frank. I feel so badly for you, but mostly because I know how you feel. I wish I knew you in real life to offer you the support and friendship that you need and deserve.
I'm thinking of you often, and sending good wishes your way.
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