Since #1 has gone, I have kept very erratic hours.
I don't really know why that is, but it seems I can't seem to relax in my own house. Even the dog seems to be reacting similarly. For example, overnight I was aware of how restless the dog was. He was skittish, and jumpy.....just couldn't seem to get comfortable. So everytime he stirred, it woke me up.
The dog loves to bark. He'll jump up on all fours and start barking at the window. Or he'll run to the front door and bark as if he is going to tear something up seriously.
It's all because of the creaks and groaning of an empty house.
I'm aware for the first time of the moaning that this house does.
Yes, it moans...it's creepy.
What is it you may wonder? It's the wind howling past the back french doors that lead to the deck and patio, which has a screen. During the icestorm yesterday, not only did I have the pitter-patter of ice particles hitting ny doors and windows and roof....but I had to contend with the moaning. No wonder the dog is a wreck.
I suppose I'm right there with him too.
I'm a people person and this is the first time in over 25 years that I am living alone.....single. It's scary on some levels. I just don't want to make any mistakes. Or do anything to put myself in jeopardy on any levels. I feel so very vulnerable.
But why is that?
After all, I am a strong person. Look at all that I have survived. It has been an interesting decade thus far.
I've survived a bad marriage. I've survived the separation. I've survived the selection of furniture and things that make me happy. I've survived the departure of my children into their own lives, especially the traumatic time of losing two of them at once to college, then two years later my son to the marine corps.
So, why has the departure of #1 to El Salvador provoked all these feelings of sadness.....of aloneness.....of sorrow? Where'd the vulnerability and fragileness come from?
Perhaps I should think of it in terms of the groanings and moanings of an empty house. They are all normal sounds, but when it's empty they are greatly magnified.
In other words, maybe because I am alone, any insecurities or fears I have are magnified ten-fold because I realize that there is no one else to depend on, but me. When someone was around, I just did everything I did to pay the bills and keep the money flowing and didn't think twice about it.
Now I do.
2 comments:
You know I'd love to give you a big hug and say it will be all okay.
Since I came out I don't feel so alone now as I did even when I was with a group of friends, but know I really do want to meet more of my true friends.
Frank:
I think that you are correct: “I realize that there is no one else to depend on, but me. When someone was around, I just did everything I did to pay the bills and keep the money flowing and didn't think twice about it.”
It is much like in silent meditation, all sorts of thoughts come up, that we are not used to because we are normally constantly distracted. For me the best way to handle these thoughts is to realize that they like the moans and groans of a house are just background noise. Hear them, acknowledge that they are there but I try not to get engrossed in them. I breath, relax, and watch the thoughts as they change.
Aloneness has to be acknowledged lest it turn into fear and lonelyness. As I watch my thoughts come and go and change in various ways, I understand that they are nothing to fear, and become old “friends” some I would rather not see, like a cousin or two I could mention, but I find they leave better if I am kind to them than if I rudely ignore them (that’s when they pester me for attention).
Rick
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