Then There is Bob...

The Christmas season is soon upon me and I am just not in the spirit. I had some special Chrstimas Cards created and personalized. I've been working on getting them signed and sealed. But I have so many....and I'm not complaining. It's neat to have so many that are so interested in my life...but...it's still work!

Work continues to be filled with the drama that only an office can provide. Lots of ungrateful people...who don't seem to understand what a blessing it is at this time of the year especially, to have a job and a steady paycheck.

My kids are gathering from Christmas. They are at my house....and I am going to savor every moment with them that I can. My daughter from Nashville arrives tonight. My military son arrived yesterday afternoon. I'm taking off tomorrow to spend time with the daughter who arrives tonight. Somewhere in here I hope to get my Christmas shopping complete.

With the loss of my parents, it feels basically like I am wondering in a fog. When I look at the Christmas imagery....and hear the carols...I feel numb. It means nothing. I have no Christmas cheer.

And then there is Bob...

Still driving this bus......still headed in God knows what direction....

Our trip is coming next week. I look forward to being with him and seeing him totally in a relaxed situation. I am praying that somewhere sometime during this trip I get a glimmer of where the bus is headed.

He called me on the telephone this passed Saturday....kept me on the phone for over an hour. (We've not been able to communicate very much because of the season. He is swamped totally and being pulled in 50 different directions -- all at once!)

So we chatted about everything. And then he brought up the resort...

We have a one bedroom unit he says.... "I hope you don't mind, but it actually sleeps 4! There's a couch that lets out to a full size bed. I'm used to sleeping there," he said. "You'll have some privacy, " he added.

Hmmm, I thought. We're both grown men....and I'm not going to jump his bones... I'm not worried about the privacy issue.... I would have no problems with him sleeping in the same bed...I can behave. He doesn't have to sleep on one of those fold out beds!

So, in some respects...it bums me out that he feels he has to do that. On the other hand, something has made him think about these issues.

I just wonder what he's thinking...

Remembering December 12, 1981

Thirty years ago today, my life changed!

I got married to Lovey.

It is quite a milestone and I felt I should recognize it. I mean, even with all the difficulty I experienced with her....and the separation and divorce from hell.... well, I still survived and I feel like I am a better person because of it. Also, were it not for the 30 minute ceremony, 30 years ago, I would not have had the three wonderful children that I now do. So, I have spent the majority of my day thanking the Lord -- yes, I am a man of faith -- for that monumental event and the fact that here I am...still standing after EVERYTHING: the fussing....the fighting.....the grieving......the greediness.....the gay thing......and all the other "stuff."

I am here....alive and well.

And, I think I am healed from the hurt caused by the breakup 6.5 years ago. So much so that I sent Lovey a card....it had the cast from the old movie, THE WIZARD OF OZ on it. It was blank on the inside and I wrote: "We certainly aren't in Kansas anymore...(are we?). I still remember..."

I followed that up with flowers....with a card that said..."I still remember..." with my name on it.

Lovey wrote me back a very simple and short email message. Thanking me for the flowers and that they arrived okay. She also said that it was a very happy day 30 years ago...thanks for remembering her. See you at Christmas.

Mom O'Lovey told my daughter...who then told me that she (my daughter) cannot understand why I would waste money on her mother like that. Mom O'Lovey thought it was a very kind thing to do.

I did it because Lovey is the mother of my three children....and there would not have been any of those had it not been for December 12, 1981.

Going forward, I have to admit, based on that failed relationship...I think I know how to be a better mate to whoever the lucky man is that will be my boyfriend....partner....husband....lover....whatever.

I am a different man.

Things Are Looking Up...I Think...

Today was quite a busy day for me. I slept in a bit and then got up and dressed and attended my gay Bible Study group. It was time for the monthly brunch and this time, in view of the season, celebrated Christmas. I was asked to pick up one of our members at the subway station, which I gladly did. He was a friendly guy and we chit chatted on our way back to the gathering site. When he arrived....and because he was relatively new, introductions were made.....and then he turned to our host and said:

"David, not only did I receive a blessing of having someone pick me up.....but you sent a hot man to do it!"

Well, this was the first time I have been labeled as "hot." Nonetheless I am sure that I blushed....but thanked him for the complement.

Following the meeting, another of the group came up and said, "Frank, I have to tell you...you seem to be looking much better these days. I know that you have been under quite a lot of stress....but you're looking great....even younger!"

I'm sure I blushed again.... Then another of the group told me how good I looked and gave me a big hug and gave me a big full kiss on the lips....with his lips parted slightly. THAT hasn't happened before in this group!

I left that meeting with a slight spring in my step...

When I reached home, I rested a brief time and then I went to a party that I had been invited to. It was made up of a lot of my friends...some of whom I had not seen in a while. One of them, a beautiful guy who has been with his partner for 16 years...and recently got married....came over and sat down next to me...very closely. He gave me a very big hug and said, "Where were you 16 years ago?"

I giggled and said..."Well, I was right here.....in the closet....and married with 3 small children." He the mumbled something about wishing he could have changed that.....and I switched the topic. We chatted and chatted for a good long while....and he walked me out to my car as he went to his. He then gave me a big hug....and a warm kiss.....and then he said....if anything happens to my marriage.....you're on the short list."

Inside, I could hear the robot from Lost In Space saying "DANGER....DANGER.....WILL ROBINSON!!!!" I'm glad that he and his husband live a ways away....and I don't see them very often. This could be problematic.

I've not known what to think about all this.

Clearly I have made progress.....and it is showing.......and guys I have known have seen a change in me.

But I'm unsettled by all the attention.....probably because I feel in limbo with Bob. He's not made his intentions known....I am respectful of him.....as I am with all these men.....especially the married one. I'm not and will never be a homewrecker.

It's kind of nice to garner the attention of the unattached guys....

Hmmmmm

What Exactly Makes a Man Gay?

When I started this blog long ago, I promised to be me -- totally unvarnished, not air brushed -- warts and all. So this is going to be a discussion involving this.

I have been going through quite the dry spell lately when it comes to sexual play. It seems that I have lost interest in it since Dad passed away...and I have just felt a little on the "blah" side. Also, at 53, it's kind of easy to fall into a rut of believing that you are old....fat.....ugly....and undesireable, especially when one stacks me against all the pretty young things out there in the gay metropolis. I mean, actually, I don't look like I just stepped off the set of a hot porn movie!

Late last week, a friend of mine invited me to his house for a full-fledged sex party. (I know you're shocked.) He thought it would perk me up and give me that "spark" again.

So after several days of thought, I decided I would go. But, in the state of mind I was in, I had to work myself up to go.....and tell myself that it would be okay if I were rejected. I ordered myself to not take anything personally.

I showed up at my friend's house at the appointed time. There were about 30 beautiful men there of every size, shape, and age. I kind of hung back....because at these things, it is very easy to be shy....and I was painfully so. However, I have to say that I was very pleasantly surprised by all the attention I received. By the end of the party, I was walking on air. It was a great experience for me....and I felt desireable. The guys I played with made it clear that floated their boats! WOW!

While experiencing the party I observed one older man in particular. He was relatively attractive -- not my cup of tea -- but he had an interested entourage hovering around him being attentive. Several of them made the moves on this guy....and would move in to kiss him and he would stop them and say, "Hey bud, I'm not into that! I'm straight."

I was amazed at his comment.

I watched him out of the corner of my eye for at least two hours. Here he was...naked....surrounded by 30-40 other naked men. I saw him willingly enjoy m2m pleasures....everything that two men or more can do together. I even witnessed him licking spleans right and left. Performing fellatio. Giving and receiving anal stuff. Rimming anyone and everyone who would let him.

But if any guy approached his mouth, "Hey bud, I'm not into that! I'm straight."

I was totally amazed.

For me, kissing is the ultimate turnon in gay sex. I like being passionate and intimate with who I am with. Kissing another man is wonderful and makes my heart pound.

Is it the kissing that determines I am gay?

Obviously in his mind it did. It couldn't be anything else because he did all that gladly!

It is What it is!

This past Sunday I decided to sleep later than normal. I got to my church mid-way through the service. It was good to see everyone and to be around my friends. I even got to have lunch with one of my special guy friends and we got to catch up with what has been happening in our lives during the past few months.

The weekend was fairly uneventful. Heard from Bob several times via text. I invited him out to dinner on Sunday night. He then decided to come over to my house for the rest of the evening. He and I went on a brisk walk through my surrounding neighborhood. We then got to my place and settled in by watching some stuff I have on DVD. He stayed until well past midnight.

Monday I was quite busy -- it was my off day. He and I had no communication. Then, this morning, he contacted me by text and we talked some.

Deep down I feel like this is all a lost cause, but then...I hear from him....and he has all kinds of apologies for his silences and then will pick right up where we left off.

Clearly I am important to him on some level. It's just hard sometimes to figure out just what that level really is. So, I still try to relax and not get worked up by it all. Or to worry.

It is what it is!

He communicates frequently....and I'd like to think he does this more often than with the run-of-the-mill friend. He does seek me out to spend time with me. That indeed says something. He is a busy pastor with a large church...yet he carves out time to be with me. I am honored.

So, I try and relish that and to savor every moment I am with him.

To Church or Not!

Last Sunday I drove out to Bob's church. It was a good day and of course I enjoy watching him in his element. I kind of even like the feeling of stealthiness I feel when I am there. No one there knows that I am in any way affiliated with the pastor. This way I can be an impartial observer to things I wouldn't if folks knew that I have developed quite the friendship with him.

He, too, has said he likes this. I'm not too sure at how he looks at this friendship we have....but he does acknowledge the fact that he enjoys the fact that no one knows my connection to him. (On whatever level.)

So my mind kind of fast forwards a bit. If things were to really happen....and the pastor and I do become BFs or even 'partners', I think I would prefer to keep things on the downlow...at least for a while.

Bob seems to be very private. He has dated some very interesting folks along the way -- none affiliated with his churches...except one. This was the one I believe to have been the love of his life that ended rather tragically after only a very few years...Bob still talks about him in profound ways.

I guess if and when the time comes that Bob and I are a "couple"...I can cross the bridge when I get to it.

But for me....I would just be happy to be in his life....but not affiliated with his professional life.

Perhaps this was one of the mistakes I made early on with Lovey.

Sunday Morning -- Early

It has been a very quiet weekend thus far. I've been doing the usual cleaning....and taking things slowly. I've also had the opportunity of spending some time alone.

To think.

To pray.

To meditate.

Yes, I am a man of faith. Had it not been for my faith I dare say that I would not have been able to withstand the degree of loss I have experienced during the past 14 months or so. BUT...as I survey my life -- the good and the bad, I can't help but breathe a prayer of thanksgiving. I have certainly been blessed with a good life. I have built a wonderful circle of friends who love me; I continue to maintain close family relationships with my WV relatives and beyond. I even maintain a warm and close relationship with Mom O'Lovey.

Yesterday I dropped in to watch her being talked to by a fast-talking roofer. She needs a new roof and has been shopping around. Afterwards, she thanked me for being there for moral support....and to make sure that she was not being "hoodwinked"... She wasn't. She then asked if I would join their family for Christmas Day dinner. Of course, Lovey will be there...all my kids will be there....my niece and nephew and their two children will be there. My other nephew will be there. So, unless Bob decides to spend that day with me...I may go.

Following this discussion.....Mom O'Lovey comes up to me and puts her arm around me to say how very much she loves me and how glad she is that I am still in her family!Time certainly makes changes. Obviously I have healed from those awful days of the divorce. Yes, I am thankful.

About Bob...

The saga of Bob continues and I have to say that I am enjoying him so very much. Definitely this man is special. He warms my heart in quite profound ways.


I still do not have a clue as to where this is all headed.


But gosh...***SIGH***

I think in an earlier post I said that Bob came to my house for Thanksgiving. We had a special time. Then, this week I got a card in the mail thanking me for all the fun he had while here. I put it in my pile of cards to keep.

We have continued our texts....and phone calls......good nights.....good mornings....

Then we did something we haven't done before. We actually moved into different territory. He texted me and said that he was in town for some meeting or other...and asked if I cared to join him for lunch.

Is the Pope Catholic?

I jumped at the chance....and soon found myself sitting across the table from him as he filled me in on his day....his week.....and his church service that weekend. We did as we always do....we laughed and talked....and the time flew by.

Then he grew serious.

He had something he wanted to tell me.

It's something that only he and a couple of people know....and for the past little while it has been weighing on his mind.

I put down my fork...looked at him not knowing what to expect.

I won't violate his trust even here. It was way too personal....and yes I can understand why it was traumatic and all that. But I sat silently and hung on every word. When he finally finished...I suppose it was God who gave me the right things to say to comfort....to help....and yes, to even minister to this man.

It struck a chord obviously.....because he hung on every part of my response.....and then he fell apart and began sobbing.

Again, I didn't say anything...I allowed his tears to flow...

And in that moment, I wanted so badly to jump up and go to his side of the table to wrap my arms around him and to hold him. I wanted to kiss his forehead....and to brush his cheeks....and to say that "I'm here and it's going to be fine."

But I didn't.

This is in keeping with my earlier statements to him that I could love him from a distance and that I would not make any demands upon him...or become clingy.....or stalk him.....

Based on our earlier conversations, I want any relationship to develop based on his comfortableness. I want him to make the first move...or to tell me that he has arrived at some conclusions...

And then I can tell him of my feelings on that day.....and of what I wanted to do....and how badly I wanted to express my compassion....and yes, my love for him.

We left and he walked me to my car. There we embraced....and I felt his cheek next to mine....

WHEW!

Also in the New York Times!

This was another interesting piece that appeared in the New York Times. I saw the film J. Edgar and found it to be an interesting tale about a very complicated individual. It sensitized me to the life Hoover led...and that some now say included the fact that he, too, was gay. I also saw what a purely evil man he was. As I visit his grave at Congressional Cemetery from now on, it will give me pause.

Opinion
J. Edgar Hoover, ‘Sex Deviates’ and My
Godfather
In 1956, the tabloid magazine Confidential published a lurid exposé on Arthur H. Vandenberg Jr., the writer's godfather.
By DUDLEY CLENDINEN
Published: November 25, 2011

A new film on J. Edgar Hoover is a reminder that his persecution of gay people destroyed thousands of lives and careers.

JUST before Christmas in 1952, J. Edgar Hoover, the director of the F.B.I., let President Dwight D. Eisenhower know that the man Eisenhower had appointed as secretary to the president, his friend and chief of staff, my godfather, Arthur H. Vandenberg Jr., was a homosexual. It was part of a pattern of persecution that would destroy thousands of lives and careers. Earlier that year, the American Psychiatric Association’s manual had classified homosexuality as a kind of madness, and Republican senators had charged that homosexuality in the Truman administration was a national security threat. Hoover — the subject of Clint
Eastwood’s new film — was determined to stave off such threats.

A public Puritan with a compulsively bureaucratic and controlling personality, he built an intricate system of files on people of influence — personal and confidential, official and unofficial, and all full of dirt. The most damning were the voluminous “Sex Deviate” files on famous actors, syndicated columnists, senators, governors, business moguls and princes of the Roman Catholic Church, just to name a few.

There was one on Adlai E. Stevenson, the Democratic nominee for president, because some college basketball players being investigated by the F.B.I. for game-fixing claimed that Stevenson, one of “the two best-known homosexuals in the state,” was nicknamed “Adeline.” There was even a file on Eisenhower himself, recording rumors of an affair with Kay Summersby, his driver in Britain during the war.

One was devoted to my godfather because, while he had years of experience in politics and foreign affairs and working for his father, Arthur H. Vandenberg Sr. — a Republican senator from Michigan with a mistress and a file of his own — he also drank, and he wasn’t discreet. Apparently, the file held reports of some incidents with two enlisted men at Camp Lee, Va., in 1942, before he served with and became friends with my father. Worse, at the time Eisenhower appointed him to the White House, he was sharing an apartment in Washington with another man. This was not uncommon. But the other man had been arrested on some morals charge. That was enough for Ike, whom Hoover later described, to an aide to Richard M. Nixon, as “astounded.”

Arthur wasn’t a fighter. He folded. He checked into a hospital, complaining of stomach problems, and resigned the appointment for “health reasons” three months after Eisenhower’s inauguration. He was a pale, fleshy, thin-haired man — sort of like Hoover, actually. And he was a bachelor. Like Hoover. He had never had a girlfriend, or seriously dated women. Like Hoover, Arthur seemed to spend all his free time with men. Hoover, after all, had lived with his mother until she died in 1938, and by then, he was practically inseparable from the natty, lean, quiet Clyde Tolson, whom he had hired in 1928 and promoted meteorically, making him associate director, the No. 2 position in the F.B.I., in 1947.

J.Edgar and Clyde had separate offices and separate houses, but they had lunch together, dinner together, rode to work in Hoover’s car together, attended private dinners and receptions in Washington together, went to the horse races together, and vacationed in the same hotel suites together. By Hoover’s standards, if they hadn’t been the director and associate director of the F.B.I., they would have been in its Sex Deviate files together, because there sure was a lot of talk about them. Hoover sent agents to squash the talk and threaten the talkers wherever it occurred.

But at least they had each other. Eastwood’s film imagines a violent kiss between them, but my guess, as someone who loves men, is that they were never lovers. They weren’t built for it. They were too prim, too rigid, too Victorian. The only way Hoover could be comfortable in such a public relationship, I think, was because he knew it wasn’t sexual in private, whether he desired it to be or not. Hoover was too aware of the power of a secret. How could he permit anyone — even Clyde — to have something on him?

As far as I know, Arthur Jr. never had a full relationship, either. What he had was an F.B.I. file. He left Washington, moved to Coconut Grove, Fla., bought a house, drove a convertible, made extensive foreign policy visits to the Middle and Far East and Asia, and became a popular lecturer on American foreign policy at the University of Miami.

And Eisenhower had stayed in touch, including Arthur at a White House stag dinner, having him in again to talk about his conversations with foreign leaders and suggesting to Secretary of State John Foster Dulles that they ought to find a place for him. Arthur seemed on the verge of resurrection. That ended in late 1956, when Confidential, a smut and scandal tabloid probably fed by the F.B.I., published a lurid exposé about him.

Arthur resigned from the university, and disconnected his phone. The couple of times my parents saw him in that period, he seemed unfocused, drinking too much, and restless to be out of their company. In 1964, when President Lyndon B. Johnson’s close friend and aide, Walter Jenkins, was arrested for performing oral sex in a men’s room, L.B.J. reminded reporters that the Republican, Eisenhower, had had a problem, too, and his name was Arthur Vandenberg.

It must have seemed as if it would never end. But then, on Jan. 18, 1968, Arthur died at the age of 60. My father was then editor of The Tampa Tribune, and friends at The Miami Herald told him that Arthur had killed himself. But there was no such public report, and when, years later, I asked an investigative reporter friend of mine in Miami to look for the coroner’s report or death certificate, he could find nothing. I had a feeling growing up — and later, as I realized I was gay, and came to terms with it in my 40s — that something must have happened to my godfather. He had disappeared from my childhood. The only memory I have is of him driving away, in a convertible. I was just 8 when Hoover outed him. I didn’t know what had broken the relationship. It wasn’t until the early ’90s, when I asked if my parents thought he had been gay, that they told me of his death, and of one night, in a Spanish restaurant in Tampa, when they were shocked to see Arthur emerge from behind the curtain of a private dining nook with a tipsy young airman. In all those years, they had never spoken of it, even to each other.

Two weeks after Arthur resigned in 1953, Eisenhower issued Executive Order 10450, which mandated the firing of any federal employees guilty of “sexual perversion.” But apparently, he felt badly about Arthur. The Kameny Papers Project, an archival project named for Franklin E. Kameny, a major gay rights leader who died in October, has found a series of personal notes and letters from Ike and Mamie to Arthur, regretting that he wasn’t with them. “I feel very distressed about your health,” the president wrote in one. “I feel in some respects guilty.”

When Hoover died in May 1972, his personal secretary shredded a mass of his private files. In December 1973, the board of the American Psychiatric Association voted to rescind its 1952 decision to classify homosexuality as insanity.

They had been wrong, the directors of the association said. It had been a mistake.

Dudley Clendinen is a former national correspondent and editorial writer for The New York Times, and author of “A Place Called Canterbury.”

In the Pit With the New York Times

Oy!

This weekend -- a bit dicey given the fact that this is the first major holiday I've had to celebrate without either of my parents -- fell into a bottomless pit when I read an article that appeared in THE NEW YORK TIMES on November 24. It hit kind of close to home....closer than I like for these things to fall....

I run it here for your perusal. How does it make you feel?

Keeping Marital Secrets Closeted
By JANE ISAY
Published: November 24, 2011

THIS summer, soon after gay marriage became legal in New York, my sons held a wedding for my former husband and his partner of over 30 years. The grandchildren were flower girl and ring bearers. The wedding thrust me back to the time when we faced a terrible choice and decided to stay married for the children. That’s what motivated my then husband and me to carry on our incomplete marriage for its last nine years, and that’s how we explained our actions after the divorce. It was a convenient truth, and also a self-serving one.

The year was 1980. I was waiting for my husband of 15 years to return from the last party of a psychiatry convention. I could hear voices from down the hall, happy men enjoying their time together. When he came in, his face was grave. He sat down on the bed and said, “I have something I need to tell you.” He took a deep breath. “I’m homosexual.” At that moment I saw my future collapse before my eyes. I got the chills and ran to take a hot bath. It gave me time to think and warmed me, but not for long. We spent the night talking and lamenting. On the plane home, we held each other and sobbed and planned. By the time we landed, we had decided to keep his sexual orientation a secret and stay married for the sake of the children.

Of course we both wanted to protect our sons, who were 10 and 14. Divorce was not uncommon then, but the circumstances surrounding our relationship were controversial and would have created a scandal in our small university town, so staying married for the children helped us both feel better about ourselves and our lies. We thought they didn’t notice any change, and we were mistaken. Secrets have a way of seeping into the atmosphere. Kids are natural observers. They watch parents like hawks, and they know when something is wrong, even if they don’t know what. I desperately wanted the charade to work at home — we were doing this for the children. So covering for my husband on his two nights a week out, and his two vacations a year became second nature — he was a busy man with many meetings.

I paid a price for my silence with my closest friends, because a secret of this magnitude builds barriers. I just couldn’t bear to show them the spot I was in. And I was leery of advice. When I felt so alone, I could always remind myself what a good person I was being, sacrificing for the children.

The other reasons for staying married were not so charming. If I had thought, I’m staying for the money, I might have questioned the lies I told my sons about where their father was on the nights he spent with his future husband. Or if he had thought, I’m staying to promote my career as a psychoanalyst, he might have felt a little heavy on the ambition scale. Or if we both had realized that we were just too scared to face the world alone, I might have given up some of the pretending, and he might have realized the gravity of his original secret.

But never mind. We had an explanation that made people admire us when we finally went public. Other truths might have evoked pity or suspicion: what’s the matter with her radar? How could she accept a half a marriage instead of a whole one? Who is she, really? To say we stayed married for the children put an end to uncomfortable questions.

If I had faced the other reasons to stay in the marriage, the burden of our lies would probably have been harder to bear. But the burden on our sons might also have been lightened. It’s not so great for kids to be told they are the cause of their parents’ behavior, especially when that’s only part of the story. When they finally learned the truth, our sons were more disturbed by our deception than by the facts. Our reasons didn’t seem to matter anymore. Truth trumps lies every time.

The phrase “we stayed married for the children” is like a silk duvet on a complicated and imperfect marriage bed. Nobody really wants to turn back the covers, the unhappy spouses least of all.

The author of “Walking on Eggshells,” who is working on a book about family secrets.

*******************

Reading this article forced me to revisit my not-so-happy place of a few years ago. You see, back then I felt like it was all my fault and I believed that I had caused all my wife's problems and unhappiness. A few wives jumped on the bandwagon and made it seem like my disclosure to my wife had been one grand scheme of deception to, in my wife's vernacular, "make her life hell." I soon noticed that many wives in this situation turn the tables and make the disclosure become all about them. Although I will dare the fates to say that yes, they are involved...and to some degree collateral damage, but this is not all about them.

Now, before everyone circles the wagons, and hurls arrows at me please remember that I am speaking from my own experience and the experiences I have observed in some of my more close friends' lives.

The struggling gay guy did not set out and rub his hands together one day and say...."Gee, let's see what poor woman we can hoodwink into marrying us so that one day in the future I can, after having lots of mindless gay sex, come home to say, 'Honey, I think I'm queer!' Golly gee...I sure am sorry that it's gonna upset your apple cart and plans for a long and blissful life together."

No, I did not feel that way in the least. I did not use my wife in anyway to conceal the truth. I genuinely thought I could change...or that all that needed to happen was for someone to mash the magic reset button to launch me onto the road of wanton straightness.

I was mistaken and fell for what I had been told by my clergyman. That God hated fags....and that in order for Him to not hate me, I must marry and cast all this aside.

He never told me the mechanics of how that was supposed to work. Better yet, how I was supposed to deal with the biological urges the ebbed and flowed with my raging hormones on a daily basis.

I loved men.

Plain and simple.

I needed to be with one.

I still do.

But the way that gay life is constructed, I am finding that a lot of men have very unrealistic expectations of what that looks like. Generally speaking, it's about 6'2", young, blond, buff, and hung. It even helps to have just stepped off the set of a male porn movie.

In the real world, it does not work like that.

Gosh...I wish my guy would show up.....FINALLY.

What Is It?

Meanwhile, there is another man in the wings...

I actually think he could be "the one." I mean, I have some real deep feelings for him. He is the one guy that makes me think "marriage" again.

But there are some problems.

His name is Bob.

But that's not one of the problems.

First, he is a pastor of a very large affirming church here in the area. He is single and he is out....and everyone is cool with that.

I met him at a Gay Pride Event in 2010. I liked him as a friend...and we've talked a bit...and emailed....and all that. After about a year, I felt this little tug at my heart strings. So, rather than pine away like have done in the past, I decided to man up and just tell him how I felt. To my dismay, he thanked me but he just doesn't date people in his church.

I pointed out that I'm not in his church....and have no plans of joining his church....that I only came to visit a couple of times to hear him....and support him. He grew wistful...then alluded to how he met the love of his life at church....and since that relationship ended....that's probably why he has not found the caliber of relationship he's looking for because he's looked outside his faith.

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

But I took the hint....told him that I could love him from a distance....and that was that. I felt stupid...and told myself..."Well, that we certainly did a good job at wrecking that friendship."

Since that time a few interesting things have happened:

We have gone from having dinner every other month, to monthly, to weekly, to now several nights per week...we talk about everything under the sun....He used to email perhaps once a week....then that moved to texting once every few days to once per day......now it is several times per day. We exchange texts all during the day. The last thing at night he tells me good night or to rest well or to have pleasant dreams.

We have gone from shaking hands....to shaking hands with a hug to outright fullbody bearhugs with a slight hold. When we part after dinner it has gone from a simple goodbye to a handshake and goodbye to a handshake with a hug cheek to cheek...to hug and a kiss on the cheek that keeps migrating to my mouth.

We have a special place we go to along the river to sit and talk....and to pray together.

He came to my house for Thanksgiving....and brought me a small gift. He satayed for over 8 hours....and made himself totally at ease. We've planned a getaway following Christmas. He's given me various stuff...including a book of poetry that he likes.

Finally, the most interesting thing is whenever I am at his church...we are always very discreet....no one knows about our friendship. I gave him a rainbow stole and journal for his birthday....and he goes on and on about that.....and at very special events...he has the stole on! At the conclusion of the service, the church has a theme song they like to close with. It's one that encourages holding the hand of your neighbor....before dismissal. Well, two times now, when the music for that theme song starts, he comes down of the stage and seeks me out. He will then hold my hand...giving it several squeezes before breaking free and offering a closing prayer.

So, even though I am not sure what the destination is....I am certainly enjoying the journey with him.

But nothing physical.....nothing talked about.......our friendship has not been labeled. I am not forcing that issue. It just feels so good to be in his presence.

So we shall see.

I don't know what to call this that I have with him.

A Little Romance?

In traveling back and forth to WV I met someone.

He's about my age....he's cute....he's an only child. Never married...partnered several times.

He gave me flowers.

The first time I have been given flowers.

He gave me sunflowers....my mom and daughter's favorites.

The second time he gave me roses in a deeply crimson vase.

It felt good to have someone make a fuss over me.

But for all that good feeling....it just didn't seem right. After all he lives back there....and I live here.

He is jobless....and strikes me as somewhat of a low achiever.

I found myself feeling exceedingly drained when he was around me for a great period of time.

So it seems to have faded.

Like the fall leaves....

Thanksgiving

Hello everyone!

You have not been forgotten...I have just been incredibly busy trying to work on getting things settled on my parents' estate. Mother's probate finally closed....and the way dad had his affairs in order, I was not required to go through the probate stuff.

Still it has been so busy...I just can't begin to tell you about everything.

First and foremost, I have been working on the house -- my house. It is 111 years old...and appears to have been a Sears Craftsman house. Always before I just sort of took the place for granted...but now as I have had to plunder and pillage....and look at it with a critical eye, I must say it is a cute building.

So, I am in the process of making it a lot cuter.

This is because I have made some serious decisions. I plan to rent the place so that it gives me a new revenue stream. So to increase the curb appeal, I have had new windows installed (it immediately killed all the drafts)....and I am currently in the process of having new siding installed. This will change the color of the place....from basic WHITE aluminum 50yo siding, to pale yellow vinyl. It has a new green roof...and the yellow just sets it off.

While I was there, there was an electrical fire...which leads me to believe that the electrical system needs to be revamped or updated or something. I've painted the inside...and put in new rugs.....and updated the kitchen.

It turns out that Daddy had 5 weapons. I sold all of them this last trip. I am certainly not a fan of firearms. Supposedly there are handguns somewhere in the arsenal too that I have yet to come across.

I ventured into one of the two attics. Amazing stuff there. Went into the crawl space below the place....and there are all my old toys....still intact. Unbelievable.

Another attic....at the very top of the house is one that I have not yet gotten to climb into. Primarily because it looks like the opening is super tiny....and I'm a rather big man. I think the old 1960s era Christmas Decorations are there.

While cleaning Daddy's closet (home of the weapons), I came across 5 leisure suits.....in pristine condition. The last time Dad wore them, he had them drycleaned...and so there they were, in the back of his closet...in plastic....just waiting to be discovered by "me."

Also found my highschool yearbooks.....and my highschool jacket. While there, I met up with about 20 of my old classmates....and they loved the stuff I found....and they posed in the jacket for our Facebook page!

For all the positives....the one abiding negative is that my parents are gone. In the words of someone famous...."they belong to the ages"...and I miss them. It hurts like hell....and there is nothing I can do to change that.

On my last day there, I went to the cemetery to pay my respects...and to decorate the gravesite for Christmas. If you have a loved one that has left, do yourself a favor...and take it from me: do not go to the cemetery on an early, gray, rainy, foggy morning. It plays with your mind.

I got there and cleaned the monument off and got rid of the fall decorations. I had picked up some nifty decorates at Wal-mart.... and proceeded to decorate -- me....with my little baseball hat and jacket -- the one lone person in this cold desolate cemetery in the middle of no where. I had nothing with me but my memories of how things used to be.....and the sound of the downpour I was enveloped in. I hurried and made my adjustments....put in fake poinsettias into the flower vases....with the fake holly and the fake berries. On each bench over the niche where my parents are, I fastened fake festive holiday packages...that shimmered red and gold in the drizzle.

I stood back to admire my work....

I stood there.

I did not move.

For the longest time...

My eyes flooded over.

I stared...in the cold pouring rain.

Every fiber of my being was doused with the cold autumn rain.

Finally I moved.

I got in my car. Cold to the bone.

I drove back to my house in WV -- a good 30 minutes away.

It took me even longer to drive to my home in Alexandria, VA.

I made it there at 2am.

On the First Anniversary of My Mother's Final Goodbye

Yesterday I reached a milestone.

One year ago yesterday at approximately 1:15 pm, I watched my mother draw her last breath. It has been a very long and painful year. But in some ways I have learned a lot and, yes, at the age of 53, I guess I can say I have grown up.

This weekend I traveled back to WV to check on things...and to face down my fear of being there for this "anniversary." Some of my friends in Huntington were very attentive...and one in particular dragged me to Pt. Pleasant and to Parkersburg to visit Blennerhassett Island. I thought that would be quite fitting, given the fact that Mom had a tremendous fascination with Blennerhassett and would have loved the opportunity to go there.

I was feeling kind of smug. I also visited the cemetery. It was the first time I went and didn't melt down from grief. The person that went with me and I actually chatted and laughed as I told him some of the funny things that my mother has shared with me....and the other memories I have and of some of her quips. I also told him about my dad's last visit to the cemetery before he grew ill this summer. He got to see the stone...and he pronounced that it was good....then he went to a neighboring monument....sat on it and lit up a cigarette.

I felt so proud of myself. I was able to get through all that without tears....without my heart breaking. I thought that my grief counseling was doing the trick.

Then today happened.

I packed up the car....took a few last looks around at the house....and the things.....set the alarm system and got into my car....and drove.....and drove....to get back here at a decent hour.

I made it to Covington, VA, before I needed a break and some food. I stopped at a KFC....ate....and I could feel it coming...

I got flashes of what it was like to be in that room at St. Mary's Hospital in Huntington....seeing Mom.....and seeing her leave.

I went to the parking lot....climbed in my car...and just sat there....

The grief nearly swamped me. I cried....and I cried.....and the pain was just so intense. It felt like I had just lost her all over again.

A Fall Update

As I write this, I am sitting at Mom's desk, in her beloved addition known as "The Family Room" where she spent many of her last days. Of course, she wasn't able to do much with the computer....but in times past, she did. So, I'm writing this after having spent the weekend here trying to do some stuff.

There is so much to do. But I have accomplished much. For instance, I have been going throught he clothes closets in the upstairs bedrooms. I found Daddy's collection of leisure suits....all neatly pressed and in their dry clean plastic since the very time over thirty years ago he last wore them; my high school letter jacket...that needs cleaning, but I can still wear it; boxes lovingly packed with my toys; an owl bank that I was given at 5 years of age; tons of junk; and, 5 weapons.

Yes, you read correctly: 5 weapons -- rifles to be exact.

What am I going to do with 5 rifles....5 VERY OLD rifles. One was my grandfather Vance's. One was my great grandfather Moore's. The other three just belonged to Daddy. I have not yet located the pistols. So, I should have quite the collection by the time this is all over.

I am beginning to deal better with my parents' loss. Today I went to the cemetery and paid my respects and this time did not shed ANY tears. But I remembered some great times...and I found myself smiling as I brushed away the grass clippings from their monument.

In its way, it was cathartic for me. I was able to put some things into perspective. But...it is so strange to be sitting here....and writing this.....and not having them running around doing something or watching CNN.

The gay issue is still very much alive in my heart. Gosh how I wish I had one person here with me now.....someone to snuggle with....or to, as I have said many times, to bury my head into his chest....and to be held. But, for whatever reason...it is not happening...and I am just dealing with what I have to deal with on a day-to-day basis.

It's Sunday night.....after a full day....and a very full weekend.....of various activities.

Now it's time for me to settle down....and to ponder....to pray....and see what happens next.

Keeping the Train in Motion

As dawn breaks over the DC metro area, your gay pal Frank is busy at work trying to determine the best course of action to take in order to get estate issues settled for his parents...and moving down the track of his life.

So, Friday of this week, I am headed back to my parents' home....which is now my house....to continue the renovations that were begun in July. I plan to spend all of next week there...cleaning and getting rid of paper....and just unusable junk, which, for whatever reason, my parents did not feel the need to throw away. I also have to dig into the clothes closets to see what is there and get clothing to Goodwill or Salvation Army.

Then, I need to tackle the attics (there are two of them).... One I investigated was chocked full of "stuff." The other attic which is on the extreme top of the house I have never been in. So, I have no clue what's up "there."

There's the outbuilding....that is again filled to capacity with "stuff." Finally, in the large crawl space under our house is where my parents stored all the toys I ever played with. So, I cannot wait to see those things.

Then there is Mom's china and glassware collection, photographs, furniture, a victrola or two, old recordings, tapes, video cassettes, etc.

So, I have my work cut-out for me. AND, it's just going to be me. I know tht I can't get it all done, but I am going to take my time....and possibly mourn...alone. Then, beginning next Thursday, I have an impressive group of friends from my MCC church here coming to be with me to help paint....do yard work.....box up....etc. They are traveling EIGHT HOURS one way to be with me. I can't begin to tell you how much this means to me.

They will be spending the entire Labor Day Weekend with me....

The house is going to have new siding and windows installed. I've already redone a couple of rooms...painted...recarpeted....etc.

So the train has left the station and is slowly moving forward.

I am also thankful for the community of friends that have been introduced into my life over the last 5 years. They are quick to say how much they love me...and what a blessing I am to their lives. (I'm amazed by this.)

My main fan club is a posse of about 15 lesbians. They are firmly entrenched in my corner. A couple of them have said privately that if they were straight....and I was straight.....we'd be married. So, for a gay guy....this is indeed a high honor to have two lesbians say this about you.

But, **sigh**, I am not straight....and I have the longing for a special man in my life. There, too, however, I am blessed because in my sphere there are a few men who fit that bill. They are also of the romantic relationship quality...but the current relationships I have with each does not include romance....although at times I wish it did.

So as this train continues to chug down the track and pick up steam...there is so many goals I have.....so many dreams I have....and then there are the wishes....

Where Do I Go From Here?

When one is an only child, one contemplates the death of parents almost from day one. I was always afraid of being left as an orphan...a helpless, lonely orphan. In my childhood, I always had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when my parents would go on trips...or we would be in the car together. My mind would always picture them not coming back....or us having an automobile accident where I would be the only survivor.

It was scary.

As I have grown into adulthood, I had backup plans in place. I thought I would have my wife standing nearby to help me through the bad times. When one parent died... I thought I would have the support of the other parent until they died.

I thought my dad would always be the first to leave, and that Mom would live to a very, very old age and perhaps live with me.

But then 2005 happened....my wife became my ex. Mother was the first diagnosed with cancer. She died first and in the process of her dying, Dad, too was stricken with cancer. His mental state was not the best and he started suffering from dementia. He had to move in with me and was unable to care for himself...or his finances....or his house. He was like an orphan...and I was the parent. I cared for him until the very end.

Then he died...and now I am left as an adult, helpless and lonely orphan.

Oh, I did have the support of my children....and yes, the ex-wife did show some compassion.

But I have had to make a lot of heavy decisions...ALONE.

The gay thing has also been at work in a bizarre sort of way.

So here I am, trying to sort out the little things: what am I going to do with my parents' belongings, the house, the antiques, the china collection, the furniture, the coin collection -- all the stuff that my parents held precious and priceless.

I am surrounded by countless friends who mean the world to me. They call me to find out how I am doing. They support me through the good and bad times.

God has been faithful.

A group of my church friends are traveling to my WV house on Labor Day to help me.

I can't believe it.

I am learning to accept care....and love....and help...with out that old WV pride intervening.

I am also learning what it means to be a good friend. Gosh, I hope I have been as good to others as they are being to me at this time in my life. I will definitely pay all this forward.

CRASH!

Well, I have returned from the beach....all rested and refreshed. The only problem is that the time literally whizzed by. But I had a super good time. I really needed the vacation a lot more than I ever suspected. The years working with my terminally ill parents had certainly taken its toll. Now I am working to settle the estate stuff...and get my house in WV emptied so that I can have it rented over the fall.

Returned home and fired up my shiny new IMAC desktop....and it crashed. I don't believe that there is anything sadder than a sick MAC. Normally they work flawlessly...but something made this one die prematurely....so I wound up wiping out the hard drive and reinstalling the operating system and all the software. Things seem to be working a lot better now...but I still have not resurrected my email or ITunes....all my picture libraries are safe and sound....THANK GOD. Keep your fingers crossed.

The Beach

As I write this, it is late at night. I am locked away in my condo on the 17th Floor Condo at the beach. From my balcony, I can watch the Atlantic Ocean as its waves crash to the shore. It is incredibly soothing to be able to just sit and to be.

A few weeks ago, as I was contemplating my life of losses during the past 12 months, I decided that for my own wellbeing, I needed to get away ALONE....to process all the stuff I have been dealing with. I needed a place where I could just sit and cry if need be.

So, the only place that I felt I could really be "at home" was the beach I went to as a child with my parents. We came here first nearly 50 years ago. I've found the places we used to go. It is just so amazing now to sit and see it alone.

As I have rested and done the things I have wanted to do...I have used the time to meditate.....to my thoughts in order....and to rest. I didn't know how much I needed this time away...until I got here. So with a few more days left, I am going to begin drafting a manuscript of my thoughts on the gay thing....of loss.....of change....of new beginnings.....and use this blog as the base for it.

It may never see the light of day at a publisher....but it can't ever be published at all if it doesn't get written. So as a way to process my grief, I am going to begin the process.....take my time....and see what happens.

Keep your fingers crossed as I embark on this new labor.

I will be writing here more regularly too.

Stay tuned.

Here's a family picture taken in 1965 at a statue here in a botanical garden......and what the same statue looks like nearly 50 years later......yesterday....

Nothing pretty....

This evening has been a mess...for me.

I have had both parents on my mind....and all I seem to be able to do is fight back the tears. I am a mess....a blubbering mess.

This is all new territory for me. I thought going through the separation and divorce were bad....but it is nothing compared to this dull ache that I feel in the center of my chest because of the tremendous loss of those two people who gave me life. I feel so very alone...and there is not one thing that can be done about it to lessen this pain. In the words of one of my counsellors....there is no way to get around it, but to charge right on through the middle of it....meet it head on...and go from there.

So, as I sit and process my feelings....I'm not feeling too victorious...or particularly spiritual... about what I'm feeling. I wish that I could sit here and say..."Ah...I have given it all to the Lord!" Or that "Jesus has made me feel better!"

I can't say any of that.

I wish I could be a spiritual giant. I wish I could laugh and smile again. I wish I could feel that song in my heart...and joy in each footstep.

But....I .... can't.

I want my mom and dad back. I want to be able to scoop them up in my arms and tell them how much I love them....and how much they mean to me...

But I can't.

And it hurts...so bad.

When I started this blog five years ago....I said that it would be unvarnished....not airbrushed....not done in any way to make me look good. Not edited to take out the bad parts. But you'd have the real me.

And here I am -- warts and tears and sobs and all...

Nothing pretty for sure.

I need some sleep....

Monday

It's Monday once again. I can't believe just how quickly summer is passing -- and I must say this is not the kind of summer I had thought I would have.

The death of both my parents in such a short period of time -- and the impending death of my beloved cocker spaniel -- have taken a tremendous toll on me. Some days when I awaken, I feel as though I am in a fog. The tremendous feelings of sadness....and aloneness......and of overwhelming loss all weigh in and to be honest I feel like the walls of my life are moving in on me -- ready to squeeze what life I have left -- out of me.

Then there are those feelings of feeling truly like an orphan. Truth be told...I am one...albeit and adult one.

All this has put my life on hold as I navigate the sea of grief....

Last week I had one ray of sunshine. It came in the form of another gay man. He contacted me on one of those silly dating sites....and...he and I shared some really good emails. He sent pictures....I sent pictures.

You know the drill.

By the end of the week, he was texting me....and saying how much he was thinking about me.....and how much he enjoyed our telephone conversations and email exchanges.

So, at his insistance, we scheduled a meeting -- last Friday.

Suffice it to say that it turned out to be one of those typical gay meetings that results in all the ground you think you gained last week is now lost this week.

Once again it hurt.

Once again I felt used.

Once again I felt silly for even thinking anything positive would come out of one of those dating sites.

So, here I sit on this beautiful summer day. Tempted to feel sorry for myself in every facet of my life. Date number 4,297 fell through. He has now gone off to his next conquest probably. I'm an orphan. I'm grieving the loss of the two people who have known me the best and the longest.

It sucks.

It's bad.

I've made this comment before about my love life. I look around and see some gay couples who are happily partnered. I look at them and wonder to myself: "Wow. I wonder how they found each other? I would never have put the two of them together!"

Then a portion of me turns resentful....and I think, "What's wrong with me then? If they can do it, why not me?"

The answer never comes.

I grow wistful.

Misty-eyed.

Feeling like this is how my life is going to be....until the day I die.

It's just gonna be me and only me.

Bummer.

Things Are Tough

Each day brings me one day closer to the big event: Dad's memorial service.

I am having a hard time dealing with all this. The odd thing about it is that I was a whole lot closer to my mother growing up and during my adulthood....but these last 8 months have certainly drawn Dad and me very close...almost inseparable. With all that said, I found dealing with mother's death in some ways a lot easier than this one.

I don't know how to explain this. Perhaps it's the fact that I was with Dad 24/7 for 8 full months. I saw his good days...and his bad days....I was fiercely protective of him. I wanted him to know how much he was loved....and that he was safe. I believe I succeeded in that. At times I wonder if Mom knew how much I cared for her too.

She knew everything there was to know about me...including the gay thing. But...we had both agreed to not tell Dad about it. He had suffered so many "mini-strokes" and stayed in such a rattled state....it probably would have caused him some unneeded angst.

Although it felt as though my world had ended in October when Mom passed.....I immediately switched from her death....to immediate caregiver for Dad.

I think I didn't have appropriate time to grieve.

So, now I'm playing catchup.

The silliest things do it.

Driving down the road......and seeing a place that Dad and I visited in DC not long ago. Hearing music he loved. Looking at the video footage I am putting in the multimedia memorail for his service. Remembering the old days and how I wish that my mom and dad were still around.

Being an only child sucks.

Being an only gay child sucks even more....

Being a single and an only gay child sucks the most....

And not in a good way.

Why do I have to walk this season of my life alone? Oh I have three wonderful grown children that I am very close too. I have tons of friends. But why am I alone in this world without a companion.....without a special man.

I honestly think this is how it is going to be.....

ALONE.

Tears and Memories

It was not a good day yesterday.....and I had a hellish night because I woke up at 2:30 this morning and remained awake until about 5:00.

I just could not get my parents off my mind....and to be very honest....I overwhelmed myself with thinking about all the things I have to do. It felt like I was in a mud hole and stuck.....with my wheels spinning madly to try and get me on the move again.

Today I'm going to have a little fun...to get my mind off things.

We'll see.

Beginning Again...

Much has happened since my last post here. Again I apologize for the length of time between posts.

As you have read this blog you have known that in addition to my being a formerly married man who struggled with being gay, I am also an only child who has been dealing with significant elder care issues for my parents. Mom was diagnosed with colon cancer beginning in 2006. We thought we had beat that, but in the late summer of 2008, we learned that she had lung cancer that had metastasized into her bones...her hip....and her skull.

Aggressive radiation, chemo, and a total hip replacement contributed to her remission which lasted 15 months. In May 2010, the cancer returned with a vengeance...finally taking her life on October 11, 2010.

She smoked.....heavily....for years....and never stopped...even during her battles with cancer.

Dad was diagnosed with lung cancer in November 2009. He underwent aggressive radiation and chemo....as well as "cyber-knife" procedures...

Following Mom's death, it became quickly apparent that Dad was not able to live by himself or take care of himself. So, I dragged him -- kicking and screaming -- to live at my home in the DC metro area.

Daddy adjusted to living with me fairly quickly. It was good getting to have him here and we had a ball. I exposed him to a lot of different types of food....people of different backgrounds....and I even brought in some gay folks into the mix.

He thrived!

Sadly though, following a family reunion back in WV at the beginning of this month, he took a turn for the worst. His lung cancer spread to the other lung causing it to collapse. He went to the local hospice house and died on June 13.

I am devestated...

I have lost both my parents within 8 months of each other. I am an only child.

Now I have so many decisions to make.... Daddy's service is July 9. He was cremated at his request. The obituary is written. I had a professional picture of him taken just two weeks before his death.

But I am taking heart in the fact that with all this gloom, doom, death, dying...I was actually able to have good quality time with Daddy. In his words, "We were finally able to say things to each other that we should have said years ago..."

He was my buddy.

I have no regrets.

I kept him safe...he knew he was loved...and now he is gone.

I suppose what I am facing is the double whammy of grief over losing both parents in such a short timeframe. I don't think I actually got to mourn my mom's passing, because I was so wrapped up in Dad's move, healthcare, and all the related decisions.

Now it is all cascading around me...

All I can do is wade through it....

and begin again...

In the Wee Hours

I went to bed quite early last night, only to have been awakened by my dad's snoring...and now I can't seem to get back to sleep. So very much on my mind these days. It just doesn't seem to take a whole lot to upset my sleeping patterns.

Work continues. There is so much to work with there. Then I have the photo shoot coming up at the end of the week. THEN...I am worried about my dad. This is further exacerbated by the fact that I have a cousin who is also suffering from lung cancer back home....and he is in intensive care. I think his time is coming...and he is in the same hospital as mom was in....and he's suffering from the same final symptoms that mom did.

Will things ever get back to normal for me....and will I ever face a time where everyone is NOT dying from cancer?

I am at a loss...

The night goes on...

Another Week

So here I am at the start of another week. I'm exhausted. The past few nights I have not slept all that well. Dad has been restless....he's coughed....he's wheezed.....he's gotten up and down through the night -- all of which have awakened me and interrupted whatever sleep cycle I was in.

This week is going to be kind of interesting. I have been commissioned to be the principle photographer for an gay christian conference here in DC. I will be busy Thursday afternoon, all day Friday and all day Saturday. Thankfully, next Monday I will be off to catch up.

It's gonna be quite busy...but I hope I will get some really good photographs. I have a straight photographer buddy assisting....so it will be interesting watching him react to things. I took him to Gay Pride last year and he had a ball....even though he was approached by the Radical Faeries to have his crotch blessed. See the articles attached with the label to this post.

Heard from a long lost "friend" last night through the Silverdaddies Web site. This friend and I had gotten fairly close last summer. The last I saw of him was in mid September, just before I headed home to take care of my folks and the loss of my mom.

He was actually someone I had had high hopes for. He was attractive...gentle....and a man of faith....all of which I find quite attractive....but then he literally dropped off the planet.

Here's the email that came to me last night out of the blue. What would you think if this had come to you?

Hi Frank,
I hope this finds you well and accepting of my apologies for just cutting you off recently... I really can't say why at the time I felt the way I did, but you have been in my thoughts lately and when I saw you online I wanted to say hello with the possibility of a friendship renewed...

I know you have a lot going on and have no reason to reply, but you deserved the apology just the same..

Take good care and may God bless...

Recently? Did he say recently? Is 8 months without any word considered recent? Frankly, I don't know what to think and responded with a simple, "What happened?"

No response.

People can be so strange.....especially gay men.

Thoughts on Mother's Day 2011

I am having a month of milestones -- a number of them firsts, and it has been harder than I ever thought it would. I had expected Mother's Day and my mom's birthday to provide one-two punches...but was surprised at just how hard my 53rd Birthday was on May 1.

You see, my mom and I had this little tradition that we have done every year since I have been an adult living away from home. Every year, without fail, she would call me up at the time I arrived all those years ago and as soon as I would answer the phone (at 6:52am), all bleary eyed.....there she was with her gleeful voice on the other end of the phone saying 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY'! Some years she would end that with her rendition of HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

And each year, the funny thing was that I would forget she was gonna do that...

Each year when the phone would ring on my day....at that ungodly hour....I'd mutter to myself...."Who on earth is calling me at this hour of the morning....don't they know that we're asleep?"

And then...on the end of that line...was that unmistakeable voice excitedly saying HAPPY BIRTHDAY...HAPPY BIRTHDAY....HAPPY BIRTHDAY....then that song. My frustration would just melt and we both would crack up....because she had "gotten me" yet another time!

Year after year....it would happen.

Until this year.

May 1st arrived....and no calls happened until later on in the morning....when I heard from my children....and assorted friends.

Oh, I got up and went to church. Took care of my dad..... Jessica took me to a late lunch.... Then another group of friends to us to dinner that night at Tyson's Corner.

But my mom, the person I have known the longest in my life was the one in my thoughts.

This was the first Mother's Day without her. In my quiet alone moments....there she was in my thoughts....and the tears have fallen.

Grief is hard. But Mother's Day was not as bad as my birthday...

Yesterday was her 77th Birthday!

I thought of her all day long.

Frank is Playing Catch Up!

Dear Readers:

I apologize for being gone for so very long, but things have just been kind of busy.

As I alluded to in my super short note earlier in the week, I appear to be going through a relatively "good patch." BUT there have been some bumps along the way.

Since I haven't gone back to read my blog to see what I have told you, I may be repeating myself as I write this post. Please forgive me if I have.

Back in September and October while I was in WV with my dying mother....and my ailing father, one of the people who work for me kept in very close contact with me. She called me basically every other day....just to see how I was....and to see if there was something she might be able to do to lift my spirits. I appreciated everything she did....and upon my return...she was even more attentive.

This lady has worked for me about 20 years. (That's the one thing I find very interesting: when people come to work for me....they never leave! LOL)

I came back to work on October 26.

I was buried and worked very hard to dig out. Then, on the Sunday before Thanksgiving, which was November 21, she had a seizure that surprised us all. In fact, the symptoms made it appear that it was a stroke....but in the end...after all the examining and prodding and scanning, we found that she had a large cancerous brain tumor, cancer in her lungs....and cancer on her liver.

Immediately, doctors went to work to remove the tumor in her brain and have her undergo aggressive radiation. As you may know, radiation does a number on a person...and in her case, it nearly wiped her out. Her body chemistry went haywire...and she never regained strength to have the chemo. Over time, the cancer returned to her brain and began to spread. Her cancer spread to her kidneys....and she finally died peacefully on March 27.

Her sons, 30 and 33, then turned to me for guidance. I spent a lot of time trying to help them as best as I could: she had not taken advantage of some of the perks with our life insurance company......she had no will......her children weren't on any of her bank accounts.....and on top of everything....no one had explained to them about probate....and the fact that someone needed to file 2010 taxes on her behalf as well as preparing 2011 taxes.

It was sad.....it was a bit scary.....and very stressful.

For the funeral, I was asked to speak a Eulogy....AND serve as a pallbearer.

It was a very long day.

But as bad as this experience was....I learned somethign profound: you just never know what an impact you can have on someone else's life.

I certainly did not know it.

I can't really begin to say how many people from her family came up to me to say:

"So, you're Frank.....you just don't know what all she had to say about you. I feel like I know you," etc....etc.

I cried...and cried for my loss of her.....and how she worked so hard to make me laugh during my trials and tribulations.

While she was in the hospital and rehab center...I did the very same thing. I spent much time trying to make her laugh.....or to grin. It usually worked until we reached the beginning of the end.

It has been a month already....and I still cannot believe she is no more!

So no matter how I bitch at the thought of being alone.....and having no one to love me......I look at the one that left here.....
I really know better.

So, I can't help but think how blessed I am to have friends from every corner of the planet. These are folks who have said they love me.....and are supportive in so many different ways. My problems are so small. I have a brand new appreciation for my faith.

Yes the gay formerly married guy is thankful for all his blessings.

Oh, and by the way, there are some new men in my life......not sure how they will play out....but they are there.

I just need to have some direction on how to proceed.

A Good Patch

Frank is going through a good patch right at the moment. No major catastrophes as of this writing. Dad is still hanging on...and seems in relatively good spirits.

I'm doing okay....

Will write more shortly....I apologize for the big gap....

Lots to tell.

Don't go away!

"YOU SHALL NOT LIE WITH A MAN AS WITH A WOMAN" -- A New Interpretation of Leviticus

"You shall not lie with a man as with a woman"........ a new interpretation.

When a woman asks questions about her appearance..... like the classic "Does this make my ass look fat?" ...... it is okay to lie to her. In fact, it is polite, civilized, expected, the all-around right thing to do.

However, it is not okay to lie with a man this way. NO excuses. You have to tell him the truth. He's a man; he can take it.



That's it. That's all. Nothing to do with homosexuality.

Gay Bitchiness 101

It seems that gay guys can be more bitchy than women who are in the midst of their period!

I mean no harm in this ladies...but you know?

Let me explain.

A few years ago I played with a much older guy who was going through a divorce. He lived in a very exclusive area....lived alone in this humongous house....BIG pool. We had fun. We met through mutual friends...and he told me his story....and I told him my story. Nothing to write home about. The playtime was good. No problems. We had dinner together...hung out....and did normal stuff.

BUT...

Then my mother and dad's illness took center stage and I soon did not have the time to devote to my "hobbies"...and the guy. He kept trying to get me to join him at these wild sex parties he knew of....told me that I would be perfect in their basement....

But that was a bit too racy for me. I declined.

We lost contact.

That is, until TODAY.

We belong to this internet chat group....and we were talking about age disparity. He interjects how he knows me....how I'm scary....I'm way too intense...and that we only had sex one time...and it was okay....blah....blah and that I was looking for a commitment and how he didn't know me......

I was stunned.

So, even though he flamed me in front of the 12,000+ members of the group....I wrote him privately:


"You are confusing me with someone else. We have been together more than once. Not one time did we discuss commitment and boy, am I far from intense. Further, if I was all that "scary" it did not stop you from attempting more involvment.

I refuse to go deeper into this. But the reaso it ended, I though was due to the illnesses and subsequent death of my mother.

Sorry if you find that scary!

As for "I just don't go for the heavy relationship centered discussions too early in a relationship -- too needy and too loaded with ideas of commitment when I don't even know him and am only concerned about sex at the moment counting on later to work on the relationship if there is a mutual interes."

We never went there in our discussions. I fear this comment says more about you than I care to know. Our fun together was just that. I was not ready for a relationship.

So sorry that you forgot.

Kissing and telling is bad form, especially in a venue such as this."

ICK! Things like this make me kind of glad I am single....and alone....and able to just hang out with friends.

This kind of thing makes me feel even more estranged from the whole gay male dating scene....even though there are times when I crave companionship deeply.

My Neighbor

Cheri is an interesting woman that lives across my street. She has been known to hang out considerably with the neighborhood gossip that lives next to her. She has taken it upon herself to mow her neighbor's lawns....replace brickwork...remove plants and replace them with what she likes best.

She also worked in my agency until she retired a few years ago...rather abruptly.

In my case...she ruined my lawn contract by removing boxwoods that were awaiting removal by my lawn company, who were awaiting new plants to install. She liked hastas better...and installed them.

I was livid.

But that was last summer.

Several weeks ago I guess it all became too much for her.

She committed suicide by swallowing a handful of pills.

Her cat sitter found her in the kitchen.

Only a few notes were left....about where the financial paperwork was....where the car title was.....where the deed was...... Her closet was empty...except for one dress and one pair of shoes. Post-it notes with red arrows pointed in the direction of where important things were.

She instructed:

* no funeral
* no obituary
* she was to be cremated
* her ashes were to be placed in the plainest of containers
* her ashes were to be scattered over some body of water.
* her furnishings and contents of her home were to be sold by a professional estate liquidator

Her one son was devestated. No reasons why.

That was that.

I am haunted by this. I look at her darkened home....and see her car where she left it. It's a bit creepy.

I wonder if I could have been a better neighbor instead of having my little attitude about what she did to my lawn contract!

I saw her on the morning of the day she died.

I was up early....because of having to let my dog out in the pre-dawn hours of the morning.

Every light was on in Cheri's house. I saw her moving by her windows in her bedroom.

"Odd," I thought. "She must be getting ready for a trip."

If I had only known...

An Emotion-Filled Weekend

This new life of mine seems to be taking its toll.

I have not been able to sleep real well...and I've been a bit edgy this weekend. On top of that, I happened to come across some pictures of my mom....and of my dad...in better days gone by and I lost it. In private, I have spent a lot of time crying...and it just hasn't seemed to want to stop. Added to this, my daughter (the one who lives here with me) has been going through some of her own issues...and things have been tense between the two of us for several weeks. Friday night they came to a head...and, well, it added to my feelings of angst....inadequacy....failulre....etc. The usual, garden-variety things, that this gay guy faces almost daily.

Here are some of the other things I've been dealing with:

* My dad's ongoing health. The good news is his life expectancy has been increased to about 5 years....from the two months he was initially given when I came online to be his roommate.

* I came out to some coworkers. They were shocked. I did so because one of them has been accused of not being sensitive to sexual orientation issues. I intervened...and disclosed that I had never seen any evidence of this and I'm GAY!

* While I was at it, I came out to my god son. He took it well too.

* One of my most senior people that works for me was diagnosed with brain cancer in November. She had the tumor removed....and there was aggressive radiation done as followup. Scans afterward revealed two new lesions. She also has it in her lung and on her liver. Chemo is out of the question right now because she is so week....and the cancer seems to be spreading. Got word on Friday that she is being moved to a rehab hospital to gain her strength....and she is going to retire as of March 31.

* I have been trying to keep all the balls in the air at the office and doing her work...my work....and staying on top of all the other folks that work for me.

* I thought I was having a budding romance with someone I really had feeligns for....but...as usual....that has evaporated.

* My sugar levels have dropped considerably. I have lost 17 pounds and two pants sizes. We are now working on my A1C levels. The doctor explained that on this "exam" I got an A,but my average is an F....so I need to take my health more seriously....and I have been in the past few weeks.

* Trying to stay active in church....but I'm losing interest....I'm sad...maybe even depressed a bit.

* My dog appears to be suffering from DOGGIE ALZHEIMERS. I kid you not. He paces....in the middle of the night for no reason. He loses control of his bodily functions..... He's afraid of our kitchen floor for no reason....and is petrified of the regrigerator. All these things are new symptoms that seem to have happened all at once.

So, here I sit...at my laptop. I've een wide awake since 3:30 am. I signed onto my work account and got a lot of work done. My daughter just left for work.... Yesterday and today seem much better by the way. We shared a morning cup of coffee and talked about a whole host of issues.

I have had some very dear friends invite me out to dinner this weekend. Those were good. In one case, my daughter and my dad joined us. Another friend had me over for a home cooked meal. I have dinner plans tonight with another friend to catch up.

So, I guess all is not as bleak as it appeared first on Friday.

Don't worry about me...I will pull myself up by my bootstraps like I always do.

Dad is snoring....and all is right in his world.

Right now, that's what matters to me most.

Thoughts on a Late Winter Day

Dawn is just breaking over the metro area. A late winter wind is pushing debris around my backyard and making a tattle-tale moaning sound through the screens of my french doors that lead to my deck.

Dad is sleeping.

I am awaiting the arrival of his caregiver. Then I can go off to work.

Why do I feel like such a failure?

I really do feel like one.

Let's review the track record shall we:

I am not the Ward Cleever that I had wanted to be. I am 52 years old....gay...and alone. I made a poor selection of wives....I tried taking care of everyone else, but me.....and here I am. Taking care of my elderly dad...afraid he's going to run out of money.....afraid that I'm going to screw up his finances......worried that I'm going to be like him one day....afraid of the second hand smoke I spent my first 20 years breathing.....afraid of being alone for the rest of my life......afraid of dying alone.

I am working to get my finances in order. I'm still paying for the legal bills....and mess from that icky divorce. I only wish I had been more diligent of the what-ifs when I was a whole lot younger.

But, I'm just a mess this morning.

This cold, windy, late winter morning.

Whining to God

Yesterday, (Sunday), I whined at God.

Like a spoiled, self-centered child...I whined.

I felt sorry for myself. "Why me?" I silently wailed to myself. "Why do am I in the situation I currently am in? Why does my dad have to die? Why did my mom have to die? Why do any of us have to die? What am I gonna do? Am I making the right decisions...I am just so unhappy....so unsure...."

I went to the early service at a church that's not far from my house. I have become friendly with the pastor...and he has taken an interest in my situation. His sermon was entitled, "The Happiness Manifesto." In that message he talked about his partner, who he lost from AIDS in 1996. When he wondered what he was going to do when the partner died, God gently reminded him of what "we" are going to do.

Near the end of the service, the congregation sang the old hymn, "God Will Take Care of You."

I hadn't really paid attention to that old song. But yesterday I did. It hit me...I am just trying to put everything on me. I am trying to fix everything...instead of allowing God to do His thing...with me....TOGETHER.

Following that service, I had a gentle nudge to go to my own morning service. It took about a half-hour to drive there.

The ensemble at church sang the old Bill Withers song, "LEAN ON ME"....followed by a sermon on "Handle With Care." After the sermon, one of our female members came up to receive the offering. However, before she did that, she felt the Holy Spirit nudge her to sing a chorus of a song...."God Will Take Care of You."

So it felt as though in response to my whining, God hit me up the side of the head with a 2X4 to say, He would take care of me. I need to trust Him during this dark hour...and let him do His thing.

Message received.

Loud & Clear!

Watching Daddy Sleep

It's Monday.

My caregiver can't be here today. Something about a green card issue.

So, even though she was prepared to have a substitute fill in for her, I told her that I would take leave and stay with him.

It's a thankless task....being with my dad during this time of illness. In the end, when all is said and done, I will have the comfort of knowing that I spent every available moment with him and trying to keep him comfortable.

As I watch him sleep...which is what he does mostly these days....I remember so much from my childhood. Dad was always a bit quirky....a control freak. He would give me a task to do...but then wind up having to do it himself because he wanted it done "right". These repeated actions really did a number on me....and left me with the feeling that I couldn't do anything. In fact, I still suffer the residual effects of all this even today.

But watching dad sleep now, makes me wonder what made him the way he was. Did his dad treat him the same way?

Daddy coughs and peers over the side of his hospital bed....making sure I'm here. His hearing aids are out....and he can't hear a thing. We make eye contact. He gives a feeble smile and then turns on his side. All is well in his world.

He complained earlier about the fact that all he wants to do is sleep now. I respond by saying, "I know." I tuck the comforter around him. The hospice people say that this is going to happen...he will sleep and sleep and sleep and slowly fade away...unless some imbalance in his body, caused by the cancer, will take him sooner.

They tell me that I shouldn't be surprised when the end comes.

But I know that when the end comes....all bets are off. I probably will be a wreck....and then I can go about the business of mourning.

For both of my parents...

Tired and Turned Off With the Whole Gay Thing

I actually have some time to myself!

It has been way too long.

Most of the time since mother died, I have been surrounded by family members monitoring my every mood. The daughter who lives with me has commandeered my MAC...and my dad, who now lives with me, requires constant monitoring.

It feels like my life is foggy...and I spend the majority of it on autopilot: going to work....coming home.....becoming caregiver.....watching Dad's every move.....listening for him to try and get out of his hospital bed...he thinks he can get up whenever and walk wherever. He simply doesn't get it that he is no longer an independent middle-aged man. He is now a very thin....very stooped.....shell of what he once was.

And he falls.

Constantly...

You can turn away for two seconds....and bam...a thud.

It is unreal.

I never thought I would be in this position with him. Between my two parents, I had always assumed he would be the first to go. But it was my mom.

And it hurt....like hell. It still does.

But, for all the frustration....and concern.....and fatigue....and worry.....and overall caregiving....I would not take a million dollars for this time I am having with my dad.

You see, as I grew up...I knew he loved me...but we just didn't take the time to get to know one another. He had his responsibilities and in the 50s and 60s, Dads were not generally "that" close to their kids. They worked....they came home....they were in charge of the discipline..... I call it the Ward Cleaver approach.

So, in the three months that my daddy has spent with me thus far, it has been a time of growing very close to him....and listening to him. He enjoys his one-on-one time with me....and he told a guest the other night that "I've been having a good time with my son. We've gotten to say a whole lot of things we should have said a long time ago."

So, I suppose this is my time to catch up....bridge chasms....and prepare for closure with him.

BUT...

I have not discussed the gay thing with him.

That is waaaaaaaaaaaaaay off the charts in terms of trying to fill him in on all of this. The stuggles....the sadness....the gloom....the loneliness.....the agony....the ecstasy.....all parts of being gay.

And, as he deteriorates...it doesn't matter.

The one thing that does matter is that I have him now for what little time is left....and he has me.

I digress.

Sorry.

At this writing, Dad is still sleeping. He spends so much more time sleeping in a day. He only averages about 4 hours of waking time. HIs eating has slown greatly. The hospice people say that this is all to be expected. They also say that I should expect his departure at any time....and to not be surprised that when I walk out of his room and return, he could be gone....or I could wake up one morning and he be gone.

Suffice it all to say that I have a few moments to myself. My daughter is working her 2nd job today....and my dad is still sleeping. I'm in the mood to write.

And so here I am.

I am exhausted. I suppose I should talk to my grief counselor about all that is going through my head at the moment. I just don't have time to focus on me right now. The counselor calls me religiously....to check in on me....and she has said repeatedly just how difficult grieving a significant loss is...but that I am extra special because I'm gearing up for another loss...."soon."

I suppose I will deal with all that when the time comes.

I've lost interest in friends......I've lost interest in church.......I've even lost interest in the whole gay thing. Even sex!

Some of the budding relationships I thought were percolating nicely prior to October 11, all appear to have fizzled. Each of those available gay men have said one of the following: "I'm giving you space with your family." Even though I told him that I would really like to get out of the house for a meal or something. "Let's get together the next time you're in town," only for him to be totally unavailable each time I am in his town. Then to add insult to injury, he writes on Facebook that he is still pining for his first love...the one who dumped him....said very hurtful things to him.....and is an alcoholic and a total mess.

The other two men that I have been hopeful for have just dropped off the face of the earth and I never hear from them.

So, I am ready to turn in my "GAY" membership card.

I am turned off.

I am disillusioned.

AND...on top of all that..I found one of those reality shows on the LOGO network that only reinforces my disillusionment with the gay community at large.

It's called "The A-List"....a group of gay men in their 20s, 30s, and 40s....who are all into this big social whirl in NYC. They know this celebrity or that celebrity....they have this penthouse....or perform in that play....and they are into looks, wealth....and things! Why, even one of them, who might be actually likeable if he would drop all the pretense......and the bitchiness.....has a really good claim to fame as to why he is on the A-list....it's because he knows Lindsey Lohan!

God help us all.

So, here is Frank....who struggled for so long to rise out of the ashes.....definitely not on that A-list and who doesn't want to be.

I am sitting here....actually glad that I am alone....in the quiet of the morning. I can hear Dad snoring in the next room.... My writing this morning is nothing more than a stream of consciousness.....