A Death (cont.)

I went to the funeral this morning.

The mortuary was packed

I sat with my boss and another person from the agency where I work.

Surrounding the tiny casket up front were flowers. Words were spoken, songs were sung, poems were read, and the minister spoke. A woman rose and sang "OVER THE RAINBOW" acapella. I pictured the little girl, free from pain and illness wandering through paradise beyond the rainbow....and how excited she must be.

Then near the end of the service, the congregation sang, "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star".

Finally it was over. Everyone filed out and I greeted the coworker briefly. I then drove to a restaurant for lunch. Drained....sad....and very reflective.

I then received a text message from my daughter in Nashville. It said, "Daddy, have I told you lately how much I love you? Well, I just wanted you to know that I was thinking about you today and wanted you to know it."

I melted.

A Death

The granddaughter of a co-worker of mine has spent the last year or so battling a terribly aggressive form of brain cancer. The little girl, Emily, was just two years old and was being readied to have stem-cell treatment. However, she passed away and her funeral is tomorrow morning.

My thoughts and prayers are with her family.

Trust

One would think that after all the stuff I've experienced in the past few years I would understand the concept of God and Trust.

But, sadly, I haven't.

Oh, there are times where I believe that I have achieved "baby steps" in this, but overall I think I am a miserable failure.

Right now I am working on it.

Tremendously hard.

My first impulse when I enter into new territory or experiences is to not trust, but rather fall into the trap of fear.

Fear of the unknown.

Fear of what could happen.

Fear of what I don't want to happen.

Fear of failure.

So, for what it is worth, I am going to work on my need in trusting in God. In looking back over all the events that have composed my life thus far, God has never let me down.

I've never had to doubt that.

So, why do I worry? Now?

Things That Go Bump In The Night

I consider myself to be a spiritual person.

I have regular times of devotions and meditation.

I read the Bible and try to keep centered spiritually.

I am not one to see visions....or predict the future....or anything out of the ordinary.

But I have to tell you. I had an experience night before last that rattled me a bit. It has stuck with me very profoundly.

So, I am going to share it with all of you and record this experience here so that if something comes of this, we know that I was "warned."

I got into bed very late on Saturday night. It had been a very busy day...and I was exhausted. I went to sleep and slept soundly.

At around 2:30 a.m. on Sunday morning I was awakened.

Fully awakened.

I laid there in the comfort of my bed listening to my dog snore. I wondered if I needed to get up and let him out. I then was trying to figure out whether to go to the bathroom or not....when I heard a voice.

As clear as a bell, the voice said, "Frank, your life is getting ready to change."

It jolted me.

I sat upright.

Clearly my dog had not heard this because he was still snoring. I turned on the light....and sat up....

I breathed a prayer and said, "Oh God...haven't I had enough change in the past 5 or so years? Can't we make this change be something positive -- really positive?"

I sat there for about thirty minutes until I calmed down.

I then turned out the light and went to sleep.

But the words are seared into my mind.

What kind of changes are we talking about? What is God trying to tell me?

Lovey

I have several tales to tell. So I guess I should write them all down before I forget something.

So, there are probably going to be several posts today.

Feast or famine.

Whew...I'm definitely in a writing mood.

There is new drama involving Lovey these days. But this time there is a key difference as far as I'm concerned.

I have reached my life-time capacity of her and her drama. It became readily apparent back in February when she severed my relationship with her on FACEBOOK... It happened as a result of the series of emails we had exchanged over her blessed ordination...and the kids....and how devestated she was at not being able to share Thanksgiving with her children at my parents' home.

Very old history now.

But I am now operating under a "season of silence" with her. I don't wish her any ill will. But, after all this time....enough is enough.

Friendship with her is not going to work.

So, let's stop beating the dead horse.

The latest drama involves her use of my last name.

Back at the time of our divorce she had all the paperwork drawn up to change her last name. She emphasized the fact that she always wanted to keep my name so that her name would always match that of the children.

Well, I hear through the grapevine that she is in fact going to change her name back to her maiden name and she doesn't want me to know it. As I hear it, she wants to be the one to tell me.

Now, this is going to be good since we aren't communicating....at her request.

I can't wait to see how she chooses to communicate this to me.

Do you suppose she thinks I give a fig about her last name?

I mean, she is the one who made the big deal about NOT changing her name to begin with.

The grapevine says that she is doing this in order to be "more independent." I asked the grapevine if this means that she was also going to drop her alimony too? We all laughed at that one!

We know the answer.

You see, for all the talk of independence, she can't live without her financial dependence upon me.

Sad, but true.

Contentment

I know that I have been very bad lately and not written as I should. My life continues to be fast paced, and I must stay, highly enjoyable.

It's hard to believe that I have been writing this thing for three years now. If you are one of the faithful readers, you know that I have had my shares of ups and downs and that the life of a married gay man....going through the trauma of separation and divorce.....is not necessarily an easy one.

You have seen me whine.

You have heard me on the mountain top.

You have seen me in the valley low.

Still, I plod along and keep moving forward -- even when there have been times when I haven't felt like moving...or that I didn't have the energy to move one foot in front of the other.

But here I sit....three years later....and I have survived.

I am thankful. After all, I have learned so very much about myself. I think I am a better man for having gone through all this stuff -- pain and all.

So here is an update of the past few weeks.

First, Frank has a boyfriend. Yes, a full-fledged one. Not one of those fly-by-night varieties. Not the ones who are married.....and are part-time gay. Not the ones that are partnered and only want you to meet their physical needs. Not the ones that start out really hot....only to end in a blaze of glory and to return to a former love.

This is a living and breathing man who is interested in me. Warts, gray hair and all.

He is 36 years old.

He and I met through another friend when he was dating someone else. We became friends...and I found that the relationship he had been in fizzled -- big time. And, "we" just happened. He comes to my church and we sit and hold hands. It's so refreshing to be open and to be honest.

I don't have to hide anything....or feel like I must be ashamed of this relationship we have.

He and I have talked about things. We're not saying we're gonna move in together. We're not saying that we're running up to Massachusetts to get married. We're not even saying we are going to be life partners.....or that we are "in love".

We're just enjoying the time we have when we are together. He and I are very much alike in some ways. We think alike. We also enjoy our alone time. So we do not have to feel like we are joined at the hip. He says that I have the most energy of anyone else he has ever dated....and he struggles at times to keep up with me.

I find this highly amusing.

Me, the old guy, having more energy than the 36 year old!

Life is great.

This morning I got a card from my daughter in Nashville. It read in part,

"Anyway, I was thinking about you and about how content you seem to be these days, and I am so glad for you. Glad you walk regularly with folks on Saturday mornings, glad you are so active in your church and Bible Study, glad you're in a bowling group, and glad that you're challenged professionally! You have so many wonderful things happening in your life and I am so very proud! I love you."

So, I suppose that the word for today is "contentment."

I've become involved in a running club. Oh, don't get the wrong idea. I walk. It's fun. I've joined a bowling league composed of gays and lesbians. It's fun.

I'm active in my church.

A GREAT Day!

I awoke this morning very early and did two loads of laundry, cleaned my kitchen, threw dishes into the dishwasher and ran it. Then, I ran up the stairs to take a shower and get ready for church.

At one point as I was talking to God about the blessings He has bestowed upon me, I began to do that activity that I have become quite proficient at: I beat myself up.

Oh, I use time like today to assess all the stuff that I feel like I screwed up. In today's edition, I gave myself quite a thrashing over the fact that I feel like I haven't been too spiritual lately. I told God that I was sorry....and that I would try to do better. But I also told him how much I appreciate all the good things He has given men and how He has guided the rebuilding of my life following a series of personal traumas.

I told Him that I would not have survived these past few years without Him.

For all His faithfulness and help...I felt totally awful about my shortcomings.

I pledged to do more.

Then I ran off to church.

I am a member of a wonderful church in Fairfax VA. It's a fairly young congregation. Today it celebrated its 28th anniversary of being organized As a part of that celebration, it gave out a series of Anniversary Awards.

I was settled in for a wonderful church service when the first person was called up to present the first award.

It was the "SPIRIT" award.

Imagine my shock when they said that the 2009 SPIRIT award was being presented to me!

I was so shocked.

They gave me a certificate and a t-shirt. The certificate celebrates 28 years of life-changing ministry.

The certificate reads: "The Metropolitan Community Church of Northern Virginia proudly presents this SPIRIT AWARD to Frank in recognition of his spiritual depth and giftedness and in gratitude for the many ways in which he serves and inspires our community. Presented on the 15th of March 2009.""

I was speechless: one of the few times in my half-century of life that I had nothing to say.

They applauded. People smiled and nodded.

I returned to my seat. Folks I sat close to patted me, squeezed my shoulders and told me how much I deserved it.

Then, the tears began to well up in my eyes. I discreetly left the sanctuary and went into the lobby area. I lost it. The tears flowed.

So even when I feel like I am so insiginificant and that I have done very little, apparentlly my perceptions are a bit warped and I am not seeing things so very clearly.

God never ceases to amaze me with the depths of His love.

My church never ceases to amaze me with their unconditional love, support and acceptance.

I could never have come back from the abyss without all of them!

Touchpoint

Internally these past few days I've been silentlly grieving over a couple of broken relationships. These things happen I know, but it doesn't make them any less painful to try and minimize them.

The relationships I am mourning are ones that at one time were critical to my self-image...and they helped me to gauge myself as to how successful I was.

Silly aren't they?

Now I am in a place where I have no contact with these people -- at their insistence. Some of them have misunderstood me....what I've said....what I've written....and away they go.....creating their own reality based on very flawed facts.

I don't know what hurts more....to be misunderstood....or to be disallowed from trying to offer clarification.

Then another part ponders the fact that although I have been known by these individuals for many, many years....clearly they did not KNOW me well enough to know that I am not guilty of what they believe.

So I'm stuck.

We're now in the season of Lent. Yesterday was Ash Wednesday. Our church has adopted a novel approach to Lent this year: instead of giving up something you like or enjoy for the season, give up a burden.

So as I shared with my seat mate at church last night that my burden was "BROKEN RELATIONSHIPS" it was apparent to me that I should probably adopt an approach that Jesus used one time. As he stood before his accusers before he was crucified, He remained silent. He didn't talk back to His accusers. He didn't talk about his accusers. He didn't try to make his accusers look bad. He just let them do their thing...and He remained silent...TOTALLY.

The Holy Spirit gently nudged me last night and told me that in order for me to happily deal with these broken relationships that have bothered me, that Lent would become a SEASON OF SILENCE for me.

No telephone calls to these individuals.

No emails.

NOTHING.

Drama, Drama, DRAMA

For the most part, I have been having such a great week. I am so amazed at how having a special man in one's life just seems to make everything so much better.

BUT...

Why is it that when things finally seem to be going well, something happens that tries to eclipse all the good feelings?

Stuff has been going well. The man in my life is named Patrick. He's a very kind, wonderful and gentle soul in so many ways. He and I are proceeding very slowly and taking it one day at a time. We have no grand goals of being HUZbands....or moving in....or selecting a china patter or silver....or rushing to Massachusetts.

We are just taking it slow and easy.

Patrick's last relationship ended a few weeks ago. We're also concerned about the rebound syndrome.

But we are off to grand start!

Meanwhile, back here at the ranch, Lovey sent me an email to tell me that she didn't want anything to interfere with her ordination. Yup, she got word about two weeks ago that she had passed all the requirements necessary for her to have this wonderful occasion. (She had heard that I am taking my children to the beach....along with my parents this summer, but she was afraid I would do it on HER only day with HER children!) She has directed the children to be there...and it is also the weekend of my twin daughters 25th Birthday. All the plans have been made...but the girls have said that they weren't really asked what they wanted to do.

So Lovey was in fine fashion. The very thought that she thought I would intentionally keep HER children away infuriated me. I wrote back a measured response....non sugar coated that basically said I have not made any plans....not to worry.....and further, you should know better after 25 years that I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize your grand day.

She responsed.....and told me how angry I was...and then she went off on a big tirade about how she was hurting and still in tears that she was not permitted to spend Thanksgiving with my folks and HER children.

I reminded her once more, that she hadn't really had a relationship with my parents...including not being there for them when they had experienced 8 siginificant deaths over the course of the marriage....and no reunions, etc. My parents couldn't understand why she wanted to be friends NOW.

I also asked if she had tried to build bridges to my parents since the separation....blah....blah.

She again responded about how much she loved my parents.....and how much she wanted to reach out to them.......and it goes on and on. She also said she resented the fact that I had not apologized for the divorce.....acceppted the blame......and it turned into a rehash of all the stuff from 4 years ago.

She said I had ripped her to shreds with my email.......and had dumped on her.

I was on my way out the door when I said,"Lovey, I am on my way out...but when I come back, I will write you a response. You are taking these emails totally the wrong way. Try to relax and BREATHE."

A couple of hours I came back....she said, "Don't bother. This isn't helpful."

I remained silent.

Then a couple of days later....she wrote this:

ONE FINAL EMAIL

Frank,
As you a aware, the recent exchange of e-mails, especially the one
written on 2/16 around 10:00 a.m., upset me immensely. Upon
reflection, what bothered me the most was the realization that you
blame the divorce entirely on me and show no indication that you
understand at all my reasons and needs, even though the fault was our
mutual incompatibility due to our very different sexual makeup. While
I was far from perfect, I gave all that I was able of my self to you,
our children, our marriage, etc., and I did my best. What I have
needed from you - the only thing I really would want from you - is an
admission of your own responsibility in the failure of the marriage.
Your e-mails to me do nothing but blame me, they don't acknowledge
that I brought anything positive to our 25-year relationship - it was
ALL negative. This was devastating and has moved me to a course of
action I had never considered having to take. Optimist that I was, I
had thought that friendship with you was both possible and healthy,
but these past several days have destroyed that hope.

Because I can only work on myself and am unwilling to subject myself
to this kind of experience again, I have made a couple of decisions in
order to help me move forward in a more healthy, positive direction.

1. Just for your own information, I will not seek any future
relationship with your parents. (Your mother is too ill to work on it
even if she wanted to, and she doesn't; they will always see me as the
blame. Any acceptance of me would be an admission that you might have
been at least partly to blame for our divorce - you are their son and
they would not see that.). I wish them all the best, I will keep them
in my thoughts and prayers, and I would appreciate being notified of
their eventual passing.

2. I will not accept any further negative communications from you (nor
will I send you any).

3. I expect you to respect me as our children's mother and not make
any disparaging remarks about me to them. (I have not and will not do
so.)

4. I will only contact you regarding matters about our children or any
legal matters (such as salary changes, etc.) as required. I will be
friendly and civil, but I will not seek or expect anything more.

5. Please take me off your list of friends on Face Book.

I wish you all the best,
Lovey



Back when I took her to see our son off to Iraq two years ago, we talked about everything....I apologized for everything I could think of.....the gay thing.....the gay experiences.....the sexless marriage......the wooden spoons in the dishwasher......the raised toilet seats......the dog......EVERYTHING!

But here it is now....and WHAM!

And now she wants off my FACEBOOK as a friend. (I didn't have to do anything...she removed me from her page...which wiped her off my page too!)

The interesting thing about all this...especially the FACEBOOK action was after I had changed my relationship status there that said, "IN A RELATIONSHIP." She also dropped a friend of mine...without reason. My guess is she thinks I am in a relationship with him....she does not know Pat. Also, in the midst of the flurry of emails, I had written on her FACEBOOK wall that said, "Lovey...I feel like a heal for not congratulating you on your ordination. I think it's great. All your dreams are coming true...you GO girl! LOL!"

So, I've remained quiet. I have instructed my children to not provide any information about what is going on in my life....or about me to her. After all, I don't know what constitutes being negative in any communication that I have with her. So, I will just remain silent.

The thing that I find most troubling with this is that after all the email comments about her love for my parents.....she has done a total about face....and only wants to know of their "eventual passing."

So, any potential relationship....or friendship with her going forward....appears finished.

Time to move on....FINALLY!

OMG!!! I Think This Time It Is Really Happening

I am very happy these days.

It happened when I least expected it....and in a very amusing way.

You see, there is now someone very special in my life.
He has chased all my dark clouds (which are many) away.

He makes my heart turn flip flops when he appears....or I receive a text message or email from him.

He has told me that he cares for me very deeply.....and that I make him happy.....that I make him smile......he looks forward to seeing me and to spending time with me.

We have known one another for over 4 months. He was involved with another person, but that ended. I took him to dinner this week to just spend some time with him.....and to be a friend. I suppose the stars must have aligned at the right moment....or the angels sang. At any rate....dinner turned into a 4 hour adventure. I drove him home...and then there was another hour of talking.

Then he leaned over and gave me a kiss.

It was magical.

My week has not been the same....

This guy is cute......he's young..... a lot younger than me.

And it is amazing.

And it is someone that I have known....not the guy who stood me up twice.

**SIGH**

Update

My goodness.

It has been ages since I wrote.

This is especially embarrassing -- given the fact that I had pledged to write more faithfully this year.

I'm sorry.

It has been a very hectic few weeks.

Let me catch you up.

The last time I wrote, I explained how disappointed I was that my blind date cancelled at the very last moment.

Time passed and he spoke to me on a number of times afterwards and said that he was in the bed ill. So, he slowly recovered. We rescheduled for last Thursday, February 5.

And, guess what?

At the last minute, he stood me up AGAIN!

This time it hurt.

Perhaps it shouldn't have, but it did and I have worked to deal with it. Just day before yesterday, he called to apologize. This time he said it was his 10 yo daughter who suffered a seizure that required her to be hospitalized. He was phoning because she had just been released and he asked my forgiveness yet again.

So, I just didn't know what to think. Especially given the fact that he had two plausible excuses...but still we haven't met.

I spent last weekend in Charlottesville with a group of guys who are members of one of my online support groups. It's the group that saw me through the initial separation and early days of divorce talk. One of the men is headed through a very painful divorce. He has good days and bad days. Another guy is on his second marriage which is getting ready to dissolve. The two other guys were married and plan to stay that way.

It gave me time to be with my friends....and to explore places I hadn't ever visited. I also got to hear all these men's stories...and to reflect on mine. I have come such a very long way.... How thankful I am...even with the disappointments of not meeting people for dating purposes.

I cae back from my trip refreshed. I've had a wonderful week full of accomplishment at the office.

And we will see what happens.

Disappointment

Yup.

I am disappointed.

My blind date for this evening cancelled this morning.

He has a terrible stomach bug that has kept him in bed, this, the second day. So we are going to have to reschedule for this week.

The neat thing is that he has been in contact with me pretty steady today...expressing his frustration at feeling so lousy....and how anxious he is to finally meet.

So, this still looks positive.

I just need patience.

Stay tuned.

Frank Has A Date!

Well, it has finally happened!

Frank has a date scheduled for Saturday evening!

This is kind of a first. I've been out with a number of gentlemen, but it was more on a friendship level. Nothing substantive, and it wasn't something that we looked at as a possible long-term, fulltime relationship.

So, about 3 weeks ago, I decided to place an ad on one of those dating sites. It wasn't one of those looking for sex now sites, but rather, it was one of those sites where the people are looking for something more than a quick hookup. So my ad gave the most basic of stats. (Not an emphasis on body part dimensions....or unique body features.) I also gave my true age, a list of my interests, and an invitation to contact me if it piqued anyone's interest.

I didn't expect to get a lot of responses...and I wasn't disappointed. But of the two serious responses I received, the man bared his soul. He is 43 years old and my same height and weight. He had been married for a long time and has one daughter.

He's a mortgage banker, lives in the metro area of where I live. He has never had a serious male relationship and feels that the time is right for him to begin moving in that direction.

His definition of monogamy matches mine.

We've been talking on the telephone and through email and to be honest, I've grown kind of fond of him.

We have not traded pictures and that has not been an issue.

So, on Saturday Evening at 5:00 p.m., he and I are meeting for dinner at a restaurant in downtown Washington, D.C.

Wouldn't it be neat if this works out?

We'll see!

The Joy of Friendship

I am still learning about the joy of friendship!

I have written about friendship a number of times here. A few days ago I wrote on FACEBOOK about how amazed I was that I had reach the 50 friend marker. You see, it wasn't long ago that I felt I had no friends at all. My self-esteem was shattered and I honestly had no idea how to make true and honest friends.

All I knew was that I needed and wanted them desperately.

Well, I have found out through the miracle of FACEBOOK that not only do I have friends, but the numbers keep escalating. For this I am very thankful. In just two short weeks, the number of friends that I have has swollen to 110.

Now, just to set the record straight, I am not what is known as a FRIEND COLLECTOR. These are people that just sign up friends so that their numbers are impressive. The people on my FACEBOOK page are all listed as my friends because I know them all and they have each, somehow contributed to my life in some way....and that I have a continued relationship with each of them.

Years ago I heard it said that a friend was someone who knew all about you but still loved you anyway. I used to think that this was a neat concept....but that it would be something that I would never experience. In fact, I spent much time wondering just what such a friendship would be like.

I thought this would never happen to me because I spent so much time compartmentalizing myself and erecting walls. I intentionally kept work friends in one compartment; I kept church friends in another compartment; and regular acquaintances in another area.

Now I have comingled everyone....and all my friends are in one big pot of people.

I hadn't really thought about it before, but my friends are from all different walks of life....from different back grounds....different faith traditions.....different heritages. These differences have totally enriched my life so much, it is hard to describe.

I am just so thankful for all of them.

There is, however, a special group within this pot of friends that I will refer to as my gang. They are a group of guys that latched onto me early on when I started going to the church that I am now a member of. I can honestly say that I love each of them more than words can say. Each of them has brought a wonderful unique flavor to my life that is hard to explain. It's sort of like my life is like a boring garden salad with lettuce. These guys are the croutons, the tomatoes, the onion, the mushrooms, the green and red peppers, the dressing, the cheese -- they are what makes the salad so unique and so zesty.

Such are the things they have done for my life.

Aw...I just wish everyone could experience this joy of friendship that I have. These men, all sizes....shapes....ages......backgrounds....heritages.....all love me.....fiercely..... They know everything there is to know about Frank Vance....warts and all....and you know something? They love me. They care for me.

And when I'm sick....or when I'm down.....they want to know. They are there for me.

I just hope that I am that kind of friend to each of them.

What Spark Can You Get From a Photograph?

Oh well.

It's happened yet again.

I decided to post some ads out in cyber space attempting to locate a kindred spirit. Someone who was not looking for a quick hookup, or who was looking for Mr. Right Now.

Nope, I was trying to find someone that was looking for something more. In my own words, "someone open to life's possibilities."

I have been honest with my age.

I have been honest with the fact that I have grown kids.

I have been honest about the fact that I am a pretty regular guy: good job, own home, a dog, etc.

I've had tons of responses. But when I send face pics, one of two things happens:

1. They never respond again or follow through with a picture of themselves.

2. They write back somethhing like: Thank you for your email and picture. Unfortunately the spark is not there for me, but I do appreciate you taking the time to answer my response and send your picture. I want to wish you good luck in finding someone special, and I hope your ad does just that.


The only responses that ever show promise are the ones that are either a minimum of five states away....or they are a little on the "different" side. For example, one guy was into me....but as we continues to correspond he wanted to know what kind of dresses and women's clothes I would buy for him to wear.

So, I guess I will just go back into the holding pattern of not looking.

At least I'm consistent in that the photographs of myself never seem to elicit any of those mystical "sparks".

AAARGH!

REFLECTIONS

Yesterday I received something very special in the mail.

My mom who is quietly battling lung and bone cancer, has a best friend namede Barbara who has always seemed like a second mom to me. She's a nurse, and has worked in many exciting locations and has always kept in touch with our family. I call her Bobbie....and she has been a very dear presence in my life.....especially now with mother's illness.

She now lives in El Paso, TX and calls mom every day and in her words, is like "Chatty Cathy". She has also made several visits and spent significant quality time with my parents as they shuttle back and forth to a variety of chemo and radiation treatments.

So far in the past 3 months, Bobbie has given two treasures that I will cherish until I croak.

One was left at my mother's house for me to pick up this past fall. It was a framed 5X7 b/w picture of me with my mother that was taken during the summer of 1959. (Yes, I had a belly back then too!) I had never seen it before, but it was something! I see my resemblance to my daughters at that age. When one considers resemblances, it can get kind of creepy!

The second treasure arrived yesterday. It was a photograph of both my parents that was taken back in October -- just after one of mother's earliest chemo treatments.... She had just announced that if her hair was gonna fall out as a result of the treatment, it was gonna fall out in style! So she had just returned from the beauty parlor.

It's an awesome picture that will hold a special place in my heart along with the picture from August 1959.

Life is about change. Nothing ever remains the same.

Sometimes it's all so scary.

On One Cold Winter Night

It's cold here tonight.

I just got in from having a wonderful dinner with friends at one of my gay pals' house.

There were a total of six of us: two long term male couples, the host and me. It was a time of great food and lots of laughter.

At one point during the meal, the discussion turned to monogamy. Both couples have been committed and monogamously coupled for many years. Our host said that he was told by a number of gay men, that it is impossible for gay males to have such relationships.

This troubled me....and I think it's why I'm feeling a bit sad this evening now that I've returned home.

If you've read my ramblings here for any great length of time, then you know that one of my main desires...or dreams...is to be in such a committed, loving, monogamous relationship. But I really am beginning to honestly wonder if this will ever happen for me. Sometimes I feel so out of touch. I feel like that I live in some kind of dream world...that just doesn't seem to exist.

I told the couples tonight that they are my role models and that they give me hope. But my exploration of the gay world indicates that this seems more the exception than the rule.

This troubles me.

Am I that off base?

Am I hoping for something that just doesn't exist normally?

Am I being unrealistic?

I am beginning to wonder if maybe I should just concentrate on being alone. Kill the desire to be partnered. Kill the desire to be "in love". Kill the desire for intimacy and concentrate on me being the best person I can be. Focus more on my spiritual journey. Focus on my children.

Focus on my parents.

Several weeks ago I wrote of a man that I work with that I had a big crush on. He was the king of mixed signals...and I could never seem to figure out what his true motives were.

I've since learned that in his short life.....he has has 15 "long-term" relationships. He just entered into some type of a relationship with someone....it was a shocker to me....but he did it anyway and since I never declared my feelings for him, it really isn't about me. Over the holidays, I did have a chance to catch up with him. He proceeded to tell me about the hookups he's made through Craig's List. This was after he began this relationship with this new person and they had been seeing each other for close to two months!

I don't think he was the one for me after all. Thankfully I didn't pursue it.

So, I remain single......

Will it ever happen for me?

A New Year Has Begun!

It has been a very long while since I wrote consistently here. I apologize for this...but I have been so very, very busy. Beginning in November, it seemed that I had nonstop company. Mostly my kids arrived...and then I had other friends to crash here at the Manse. It's good to have people in....but I am finding that it is even better to finally be alone again.

I have been very amused and amazed at how things are working out for me. I mean after all the drama of the past 3-4 years, it is so refreshing to have a somewhat boring life...and to have lots of friends....and to just go about the business of day-to-day living.

I spent exceedingly quality time with all the kids. Each one of them went with me to church...I mean...my church. I didn't make a big deal of it. I didn't beg...or plead or even ask -- come to think of it. I just found that when Sunday morning rolled around, I got up and while I was drinking my coffee, I heard the sound of water running as they took their shower....and before I knew it they came bounding down the stairs to say, "Dad, I'm ready for church."

One thing bothered me during this holiday season....and I guess on some levels it is really none of my business. Still I'm troubled. The kids had very little to do with Lovey. There was great pressure put upon each of them by the O'Lovey's to spend more quality time with their mother, to which they all responded by saying that they were not driving the 90 miles or so to visit her. She would have to come to them. She said that coming to my house made her uncomfortable. Again, that's not my problem. Still in speaking with the kids one on one..I detect a lot of issues....a lot of sadness.....and in one case, total disillusionment with their mom. You see, one of them found out that Lovey was not entirely truthful about her financial standings during the separation and divorce. Approximately 6 months she received a sizeable payment from her dad's estate, and didn't tell anyone about it. Even during the settlement of our divorce, she never disclosed this.

So I got quizzed very thoroughly about the money.....and the child telling me this was shocked to find that I knew nothing about it. Further, that child then apologized for telling me all that and it was not her goal to "hurt me."

My response pretty much sums up the way things are going for me at this point in my life.

I said, "Your mother hurt me really badly during the separation and divorce by her many hostile actions that made no sense. She cannot hurt me anymore. This neither hurts me, nor surprises me."

So, as in most of the actions concerning Lovey...I pledge to take the high road. I have no desire to open old wounds and trying to achieve parity with the sum of money she got...and the fact that she never disclosed any of it...well....she can keep it.

My children also voiced their fears that their mother and I might reconcile. It's a sad state of affairs when your children tell a divorced spouse that they are afraid of and do not want you to reconcile with the other parent! Again, my response was very revealing about where I am now in terms of how I'm handling things. I said, "I have no desire to enter into any relationship with your mother or to remarry her. The only reason I have any contact with her now is because I have to as a result of the fact we had children together. So on family occasions I have to deal with it. But, I don't desire any friendship or anything."

Is this spectacular growth or what?

I am excited about the prospects of a new year. I am no longer worried about whether or not I will have a special person to share it with. Oh, I'd love to spend time with someone, but with my friends and my children's lives....I am quite content.

Happy New Year to each of you! And thanks for taking time out to read my blog.

Hearing Vs. Listening

Life is busy.

Jobs...bills.....responsibility....secret longings.....missed opportunities.....old hurts....new hurts.....the noise of it all...internal and external.

It is just so easy to get sidetracked and to think about the state of one's affairs.

It's kind of like this holiday season when I've been focused on all that I must do -- the shopping -- rushing to the airport -- wrapping -- church -- blah! blah! blah!

Then my children are talking.

Things are on their mind. Lots of things.

And I respond with "uh huh."

Although I heard....I find that I didn't really listen.

Finally, I do a data dump of all that is in my mind. For the next little while I pledge to listen to them -- my children. I will look deeply into their eyes.

I will concentrate on them.

On what they have to say.

Good or bad.

Positive or negative.

Hurtful or uplifting.

I listen.

Intently.

Oh.....and what I hear -- really hear.

We connect on a deep and rich level.

I am so glad that I heard and took the time during the busy-ness of the season to stop and listen.

What a grand Christmas!

My children will never be a missed opportunity!

Happy New Year to all of you!

(I plan to get back on schedule following the holidays.)

Counting my blessings...

Christmas is this Thursday!

I can't believe it.

I am FAR from ready. The Christmas cards need to be finished....and my shopping has not even started! I've just not had the time or energy to do all that. I've been putting in 12-14 hours per day at my office trying to get all the year end stuff done. On top of that, I've been working to get the house all in order for the arrival of the kids.

My son arrived on Wednesday. We have had such a wonderful time together so far. I marvel at the changes and level of maturity I see. He is quite a young man with so much potential. I am sure that he will go very far in life.

His sister arrives from Nashville on Tuesday night. So, we're all going to be having a relatively quiet Christmas here at home. My daughter in El Salvador won't be here....but we'll have her in our thoughts.

The wind is howling outside...it is very late.....and I'm writing this in the glow of my Christmas Tree. I have my house....my health, the love of my children, and my parents are doing well at the moment. Mom is going through yet another round of chemo treatments...her spot on her lung has reduced from 4 centimeters to 1.5 centemeters. The doctors see no other evidence of cancer in any other spot of her body.

Due to the schedule that my children are on....I can't break away to be with my parents. But I do plan to go be with them during the Innauguration weekend when the extra 4 million or so visitors all descend on Washington. YIKES. I don't want to be here for all that. It's gonna be a madhouse.

Yeah....my life is not perfect...but whose is?

The only thing that would make my life better would be if Mr. Wonderful appeared....and he and I both knew that we were the ones for each other.

But for the moment, he is not here. However, my parents are both living. My children are here.

And I sit here typing this message to all of my dear friends in blogdom.

Counting my many blessings...

I've included a picture of my tree for you to see my decorating job. Your comments are always welcome!

Rainy Nights and Anniversaries

Twenty-seven years ago tonight was my wedding rehearsal. My parents were here. I was 23 years old and embarking on a new adventure. One that took my breath away...one that I considered from every angle.

With youthful abandon and immaturity, I thought I was doing the right thing. My religious background told me that I could and should change my underlying attractions to men.

But, if you are a constant reader of this blog you know that all my best efforts failed.

So here, on a rainy cold evening, 27 years after my wedding rehearsal, I am still recovering from the divorce....and getting used to living alone.....and plotting my own course.

It's on anniversaries like this that I can look back and realize just how far I have come. I'm not totally down....I'm not depressed and consumed by the what ifs.

I'm just looking at the experience as one that brought about phenomenal growth. It also allowed me to have my children.

So here I am.

Reasonably happy.

But full of reflection.

It's SATURDAY!

I am so happy that the weekend is here.

It has been such a long and emotionally draining week, it's just nice to be able to sit in the quiet solitude of my house ande catch my breath.

Got some very disturbing news about my mother this week. The chemo has messed with her kidneys and they are on the verge of failure. She has one more round of chemo beginning on Monday...so I hope that she is able to recover from all this fairly quickly.

I suppose it is just one more thing to worry about.

It really is quite frightening actually. So, what I am trying to do is to take it all a day at a time....and to breathe...and cross each hurdle as they come.

I've spoken with all my kids. Jessica is doing well back in her home in El Salvador. Her trip has madeher a bit homesick, but that should be expected. Laura is looking forward to being home for Christmas....and Josh is planning on staying here for two weeks around Christmas. In the meantime I have to clean the house, put up the Christmas Tree, do my Christmas cards, and shop.

WOW!

So it is all going to be one day at a time!

A Non-Stop Day

I was up until 1am last night trying to get Jessica ready for her early morning flight today. She didn't get to bed until after 3am. We both arose at 5am and I had her at Dulles by six.

Needless to say, I am totally worn out.

My job has kept me so very busy. This was a good thing. It kept me from experiencing an over abundance of the blues now that she has gone.

This evening I have practically lived on the telephone. Jessica arrived at her village safely. Her sister called to see if I was depressed about her leaving. She was pleasantly surprised that I wasn't "bad."

Friends called me about dinner tomorrow night.....about church on Sunday....... This entire weekend is totally booked for me. I can't believe how busy it is....here at the holidays!

I have to get the house clean again and the tree decorated and installed. I want my house to look festive and ready for a celebration.

I've spoken with mom....and she seems to be fine for now. Her last chemo treatments are scheduled for next week. She gets a scan tomorrow of her entire body to see how the chemo has dealt with the lung cancer.

So, it promises to be a full holiday season.

The Return

Jessica returns to the Peace Corps and to El Salvador tomorrow.

I am bummed.

It has done me such a world of good to be with her the past 3 weeks. The time has absolutely flown by. I look around and say, "Where did all that time go?"

In my discussions with her, I have learned that contrary to Lovey's earlier assertions about her staying another year in El Salvador, Jessica is only considering the possibility of extending. She misses her home. She misses her room. She misses hanging out with me.

It is so tempting to add some guilt to those thoughts or to apply subtle pressure for her to return here.

But I don't.

I want her to be happy and to work at building a life that will make her very happy.

On the way back from visiting my folks, I had to stop with Jessica to see Lovey in her home in the lovely Shenandoah Valley.

Even after all this time, it still takes something out of me to be around her. I left feeling extremely drained and experiencing those old familiar feelings of hurt and inadequacy.

I always feel like the bad guy....and feel like I am the reason for so much pain and unhappiness in Lovey's life.

Silly, I know -- especially given the fact that we will have been formally separated for four years come June 9th.

After all this time.....and all this pain, I miss her and the life we once had.....

I still have feelings for her....

And I know...I'm queer.

But being in Lovey's house....with my daughter, was like picking the scab off of a fresh wound.

It hurts.

A Collage of Memories

Long ago and far away my mother and I had a very special bonding moment. She told me that I needed to learn to look around my world and actively remember it. She said that I could remember feelings and smells and how things felt.

This was a valuable lesson that I made a point of passing on down to my children.

I haven’t checked with them lately to see if they still remember our discussion, but I remember the one I had with my mother rather vividly.

Since that time, I have remembered great moments in my family’s history. Taking moments in time and filing them away has become second nature to me and I do it automatically. It’s as if my mind knows the types of things I should do this for, and it just happens.

For example, I remember watching JFK’s funeral on TV from start to finish. I remember Neil Armstrong’s first footsteps on the moon, my children’s birth’s, the first time I saw my son Josh, my wedding day, my daughters’ graduations from high school and college, etc.

I remember the good and the bad.

I remember smells – the aroma of my mother’s biscuits and gravy cooking in the kitchen, the scent of her signature perfume, the baby smell of each of my children, and the smell of death when my grandmother died following a long illness.

I remember touch – the feeling of security sitting high on my father’s lap and feeling his strong muscular arms holding me – the hugs of both my parents – the touch of loved one’s hand on mine.

All of these memories are a vast collage that enriches my life immensely.

This weekend was filled with moments to remember and to file away for future enjoyment. I got to spend time with my beautiful mother…..even as she battles cancer, she still holds on to her inner radiance. I got to experience her hugs and her tears. I got to feel her hands in mine….and just being able to hold and to comfort her.

I still hear the laughter and the giggles from my daughters. Nothing has changed from when they were a lot younger. When we are all together, we always have something to laugh about.

I also hear my daddy laughing and see him as we played 500 Rummy and watched him lovingly care for my mother.

Ah yes, moments frozen in time.

They will always be there when I need to reflect upon them.

Being Thankful

I had several long discussions with my mother yesterday via telephone. She sounded strong and like the old mom. This was such an encouragement to me since she has had to endure so much. Earlier in the week she was complaining about the chemo and the fact that she was going to stop it because it was useless.

I told her that she shouldn't give up...that she only had one more chemo treatment to endure. After that, I said, you can decide what to do.

Well, she calmed a bit. Yesterday they did a full body scan to determine what her body is doing and how the cancer is reacting to the chemo....and to the radiation that she has endured. Her new hip is great! She is walking now without a cane, crutch or walker. On top of this she is all excited about cooking Thanksgiving Dinner!

Both my daughters will be with me at the Thanksgiving Table. It means more than I can say having them there.

So, tomorrow, I will be making my journey to West Virginia. The girls will be traveling from Nashville and meet me there.

On Thursday we will pause to give thanks for all the blessings we have experienced this year: mom's successful hip replacement, the chemo treatments, the radiation treatments, the girls' success, my health, and the fact that we are all together yet another time!

These last few years I have learned so much. For instance, I've learned that as a young man I took so much for granted -- even at times when I thought I was being sincerely thankful for my blessings.

I really didn't know how to be satisfied with the little things.

But now I am.

I thank God for every breath I take...for every breath my loved ones are permitted to take....

I am especially thankful this year.

A Reported Death

One of my dear friends wrote me this note:

Dear Frank

I stumbled across the above obituary on Sunday night while reading the newspaper. What caught my eye is that the guy graduated from the same high school in the same hometown as me. When I mentioned it to my mom this morning on the phone, she said that when she read about his death in the newspaper recently, she thought that he might have died "from the AIDS" because years ago, the newspaper had a committment ceremony announcement for this guy and his male partner. My mom is a friend of this guy's mother, and it turns out that this brilliant young man had killed himself when his reconcilliation with his ex-partner had crumbled. They'd dissolved their civil union in back in 2005.

My mom tells me that the grieving mother hurts so badly that she hasn't been able to return to work. Although I don't know the deceased (he was eight years my junior), I can certainly relate to the horrible sense of pain and feelings of worthlessness surrounding the end of a long-term relationship. How sad it must be to reconcile with an ex, only to have that effort fail and then go through the pain of breaking up all over again. Perhaps it's just the connection to my hometown, or the eerie fact that my mom is friends with his mom - for whatever reason, I keep thinking about how sorry I feel for everyone involved in this senseless tragedy.


I certainly relate to these feelings of worthlessness at the end of a longterm relationship too. My one comfort is that I made it through the demise of my marriage. It was a very long journey. At times I thought I'd not get through it. But I did.

I continue to grow stronger.

I saw this growth first hand over the weekend.

In a very big way...

Lovey had me over to her mother's to help her and her family celebrate the holidays on behalf of our daughter Jessica. It was very interesting to be in their midst yet another time...but it was also rather relaxing to know that while I was there....the roles had changed and I was a guest. I wasn't expected to be "on" or to put up with a lot of the stuff I once felt that I had to.

There is something to be said for living a quiet, peaceful and single existence. It's quiet and really very relaxing. You don't have to worry about the demise of a relationship.

So, as I sit here...contemplating my singleness....dealing with the occasional swells of longing for a special man.....I am learning to be content in all things.

Today.

Thank You!

Thanks to all of you who have written to me backchannel to express your support for me. I know you're there and I feel your love and support, but I feel that I really need to clarify an additional point on this blog.

Picture it as a look into my head and how I analyze things. This is an opportunity for me to express my deepest thoughts, fears, and secret longings and perceptions. You, who read this, are privy to things that my closet friends and colleagues are not. This is not a sterile document.

It's raw.

It's unfiltered.

It's me...warts and all.

Monday

Today is my normal day off from the office, but I decided to save some leave and move this day off to Wednesday. Then take a day off on Friday.

I'm headed to my parents' house in WV on Wednesday. Jessica is leaving to visit her sister in Nashville tonight. They will drive up to WV on Wednesday evening. We'll all be together through Sunday. So it will be grand to spend time with my parents and to visit with both my "little girls" for a while at Thanksgiving.

I have so very much to be thankful for. I'm relatively healthy. I have my children. I have my dog....and I have stuff that helps me to survive from day-to-day.

Nothing new to report on my latest crush. I perceive there to be no real interest there and it is all one sided. (My side.) This is okay. After all, I'm very new to the dating thing and I am totally ignorant about it all.

I'm learning.

Perhaps one day I will meet the man of my dreams and I will have the good sense to know it's him when I do.

In the meantime, I need to focus my energy on my parents, my children, and my life.

Getting it all in order.

Wee Hours Monday Morning

This has been a very full weekend. Jessica has been in and out doing her thing...and I have been busy doing mine. I've gotten several things done around my house...I've checked in with my mother and father. I spent all day today in church.

It has been nonestop.

But it has been just the way that I like it...busy and productive.

I went to my old church this morning and got to see a number of my "old" friends. Gee it was so good to see all of them. They were warm and friendly.

Then I went to the church that I am now a member of. It's always good to see my friends there. Jessica got to meet a number of them. She really did enjoy the service and I am so glad.

We also have had time to talk about serious personal issues. Some that have bothered her for a while...and some that have bothered me for a while.

Gosh I miss not having her around.

I also met some new guys this weekend, some of which were so incredibly good looking. I was my jovial and friendly self. So, I'm not sure if there were any attractions at all. Aw...I'm not too worried about all that. One day I may find someone.....but it ain't happening at this time in my life....for whatever reason and I will continue moving forward.

I can'ty really spend so much time obsessing about it. All I'm doing is obsessing less and observing more -- watching potential boyfriends from afar and watching how they handle various situations.

Some have been a total turnoff and others are the exact opposite.

So, perhaps I'll never get what I want in a mate.

I'm learning to be okay with the fact that I may never find him.

Self Pity?

Let me get something clear for my critics out there:

The purpose of this blog is not to paint rosy picture upon rosy picture of my life. It is not air brushed. I am not perfect.

I use this blog as a means to process my feelings....whatever they are -- right or wrong.

I am sorry if you feel that my writings make me somewhat unattractive...but this blog is one of the few safe places that I have where I can let the ugly out.

If you can't deal with it...go read something else!

Plain and simple!

A Cold Fall Day

It's a cold day and I am afraid that my mood is matching the weather.

My daughter, Jessica, arrived home from El Salvador on Friday night as planned, but she is sick as can be! She's been home for almost a week now, and it hasn't been much fun having her around. Poor thing is miserable, but she won't take her meds as directed because they don't taste good. I'm frustrated.

On top of this, I'm not getting much quality time with her because of the family on the other side. They have all descended upon her like vultures demanding pieces of her time. This includes the delightful Lovey, who is also playing doctor.

Inside I am very resentful.

Lovey spent over a week with her in El Salvador at the beginning of this year for goodness sakes. I've not seen her in almost two WHOLE years! Due to the fact of everyone else being on my payroll, I can't afford a trip to El Salvador for extensive one-on-one time.

The dentist even got some good quality time with her!

Then, coming into my office this morning I had a long discussion with my mother. Bless her heart. She is so discouraged about her chemotherapy, her illness, her lack of strength, and everything in general. She doesn't want anymore chemo.

I tried to put on a positive front. I told her that she at least should finish her scheduled treatments and see what the next scan reveals about her lungs before making any grand prounouncements of discontinuing the chemo.

So, yet again, I think I have succeeded in keeping mom on even keel.

I feel so helpless.

AND...

I know....here comes my standard whining mantra...:

I feel so very ALONE.

I suppose I am thankful for the near misses I have encountered recently of men who have shown some interest. But none of those worked out in the end. It's so frustrating....and so hurtful.... I am now paranoid about any man that is nice to me because I'm wondering if he is "interested" or just being "nice."

One man in particular is someone that I really longed to be with. He seemed to have some qualities that I really liked. I could be a good mate for him. I know it. I am familiar with his profession....and could provide encouragement in ways that I don't think he is even aware of.

But, alas, he has someone else.

I'm the chopped liver.

He is clueless.

Still, I try to remain optimistic.

The new guy that I mentioned in my last post continues to be "interesting." He and I shared a meal a couple of days ago. He's intelligent, nice looking, and a professional. He says that he wants to get to know me better. I expressed the same interest. He's been very busy...and we're making plans, quietly to share another meal and do some talking.

Stay tuned everyone!

Will Frank EVER find a mate?

Such a Long Day!

First, let me say that I had a great weekend. I got a lot of stuff done...including painting my front door where the dog had scratched the paint off of it. I got rid of about 6 bags of garbage. Cleaned out my closets. Shampooed my rugs. Identified clothing that needed to go to Salvation Army. Got the tags for my new car. Talked to all of my children.

AND...

my daughter in El Salvador comes home for three weeks beginning this Friday.

I am just so VERY excited. I don't know what to do!

Life continues to go on....and on....and on.

But there has been an interesting wrinkle.

A new man has appeared in my life. Well, actually, he has been in my life for a good little while....but he and I seem to be noticing each other more.

So perhaps I'll have something to tell in the next few weeks.

I won't have to camouflage....or hide....

I'm at least a little hopeful...

More later...

Friday Morning

What a week.

Each day at the office has been an experience. I seem to hit the floor running....and it doesn't stop until I pry myself away from the place late into the evenings.

My dog hardly recognizes me!

So, today I'm going to write about the negative experiences I have faced this week as a middle-aged pathetic gay man!

Yup, that's how I feel right now based on the fact that I have been outright rejected.....I've been replaced......and I've been forgotten. These experiences have not left me in my "happy" place. 'm finding myself bitter, cynical, and feeling like there is no use to try and find someone special...simply because I don't fit the gay stereotype of being twenty-two, blond, buff, and somewhat empty between the ears.

It's so tiring to meet people....and feel and see their interest wither before one's very eyes.

Aw, one of my friends has advised me to remain positive.

Well, I try.

But having three negative experiences in one week is a bit much for me to handle in addition to facing my mom's illness.....and the ex whining in the background.

Yeah, Lovey reared her head again this week. She was mad with me because my credit union still lists her on my credit report as a co-owner on my credit card. This is something that I have attempted to take care of on at least three separate occasions....each time I am assured that she is off the account, only to find that she has not been taken off.

It's amazing.....and makes one wonder if it is due to ineptness in the financial institutions such as this that has helped to put our country in the financial mess it currently finds itself in.

(Didn't I tell you that I was going to be writing negatively..)

Finally, the experience that really takes the cake is this one: I joined another one of those online dating sites in hopes of finding Mr. Right. Well, I've gotten all kinds of hits to my profile and lots of email messages from folks of all ages. It has really served to balance out some of the negativity I've had......at least it did until I heard from BOZO in Brazil.

BOZO wrote to tell me how hot I was. He is not so bad himself. He then told me that he was going to move to my area from Brazil. I responded by saying something like "Wow!"

He took offense at that innocent remark.....and ripped me up one side and down the other.

I wrote him back and said, "Aren't you overreacting a bit?"

He then lectured me about not allowing him to do what he wanted to do.

I responded by saying, "What am I doing to stop you from doing anything you want to do with your life?

He then writes all apologetic and asks if we can start again?

Good Lord!

So, as you can see, I need this to be Friday. I have a four-day weekend that I will be using to get prepared for my daughter, who returns from El Salvador for a visit one week from tonight. I have much to do...including some time for me to relax....and to calm down and prepare for next week.

This too shall pass!

President Obama

WOW!

The election was something.

Here we sit on the brink of a new era -- full of hope and promise.

I hope now that things can totally begin a turnaround.

We'll see.

A Broken Chemistry Set?

I have given gay dating more thought.

I've also read the comments I have received on my last post and reflected upon them too.

The guy that I had the date with earlier in the week, (let's refer to him as "Mr. Wonderful) was an interesting guy. I didn't feel any "magic" with him. He is certainly not life partner material for me...I know that. So his apparent rejection of me was no great loss.

BUT...

I see something in the world of gay dating that is very common and I just can't figure it out.

I have come to the conclusion that if a guy tells you: "Aw...if we don't have chemistry, we can still be friends. One can never have enough friends" that things are going to go south if he doesn't find that "chemistry" and the friendship will indeed be non existent.

So, why waste the breath to say all that when you know that you're not going to follow through?

I have met so many men who have had similar experiences. It's almost as if gay men can't be friends with anyone that they wouldn't have the "hots" for.

It's beyond me.

One of my commenters said that I'm going to have to kiss a lot of frogs before I find my prince.....and to view their rejection of me as their loss.

I try to remember all that as I meet people...and the chemistry is not there on either side.

But I've got to tell you, at times I wonder what the deal is? What am I doing wrong to experience such rejection on a grand scale? Am I that unattractive? Is my chemistry set broken? Do I not have any chemistry to offer anyone?

It's all so very silly. Perhaps one day I will become lucky in love and truly find someone that is wonderful in all respects.

In the meantime, I have to trudge throuh the swamp of life alone encountering all those frogs.

ICK.

Frank Goes Out On a Date

It's a miserable, rainy night outside. It's dark and gloomy. But, I'm headed to a friend's house to view the election returns....and have dinner. It should be a good group of guys to spend time with.

On the mom front: she seems to be doing much, MUCH better. The nausea has evaporated. When I talked to her last evening she was cooking dinner for my dad in her kitchen. This is the first time she has done this in over two months. She sounded much like her old self. I was glad to hear it in her voice.

She also told me that her last remaining sister-in-law died yesterday afternoon. She was in her mid-90s, had been ill for quite sometime... So, her death came as a relief to many.

On my front...I have launched into the deep and started "dating". Yup...I've kissed off the office guy as a very lost cause. There is no reason to believe that he was ever seriously interested in me. So I have totally backed away....regardless of the fact that he still sends mixed signals....kisses and hugs.

In my research, I found another dating site. This one is for older gay men and "their admirers." Since I am "older"...I decided that it would be good open up my horizons. My other dating ads just don't seem to work.

So, I put another out there on this particular site. I've had almost 200 hits....and a host of emails and what are referred to as "gropes" by older men....and younger men in their early 20s. (Who knew?)

One particular guy was eager to meet me. To be honest, when I have a man that is that eager...I have warning bells go off in my head...and I just know it is isn't going to work out.

Last night's "date" was not a disappointment.

It was nice....and all.....and we talked and got to know one another a little. But when I got up to leave...I could feel that this wasn't really going to head any where. He did give me a hug. So, that's nice.

But no email follow ups....or phone calls or anything. I did write him to thank him for dinner and the nice evening. I wasn't going to be a clod about things.

It's almost funny.

I mean.

I meet a man...or develop a crush on someone because of the mixed signals I receive. Either they are gracious and warm and then I never hear from them again.....or I get dumped.....or the mixed signals happen and nothing really happens. That "next" step or next level just never seems to happen.

The last time I checked I didn't have an extra eye in my forehead....or horns sticking up out of my head...... It makes me wonder what in the heck I'm doing so wrong.


This shouldn't be so hard.....but I'm finding it very difficult.

I hope you all voted today. If not, please do.

Discouragement Continues

Talked with mom this evening....and although she feels some better.....she is still very discouraged....and depressed and not feeling well.

It absolutely kills me to hear her be so out of it.

Discouragement

Mother is horribly discouraged.

The chemotherapy is making her very, very ill. Her hair is falling out. She's terribly frail.

AND, she's noticing that people are treating her differently. "There's pity in their eyes," she said last night. She doesn't like that and it makes her a bit edgy.

She even has questioned why it is that she needs to go through the trauma of chemo.

I tried to be encouraging.

"You're passed the half-way point, Mom," I said. "Hang in there just a little longer."

I also told her to promise me that she would call me anytime day or night when she got discouraged. I reminded her that I am here for her....and that if she needs me to run home...I will literally drop everything and come home.

She won't hear of it.

BUT, she did promise to call me.

I call her several times every day to see how she is doing. I tell her each time we talk how much I love her and how much she means to me. I also ask if there is anything she needs for me to do.....

She says that just hearing my voice is enough.

Gosh I hate this.

Why does this have to happen NOW?

Does A Paradigm Need To Shift?

I had dinner with a very special man last night.

He and I have been friends since the middle of June and we enjoy each other's company. Although he and I have been friends for only a few months, there is a connection with him that puts me at ease and I feel that I can share basically anything with him and he will listen and offer some words of wisdom.

Last night, he and I scheduled some time for dinner and to walk around a mall. The majority of the time, he and I talked and talked about everything. I shared with him about my mother.....my love life (or lack thereof)....my fears....my secret longings.

He, too opened up and shared some of his life story

He has always been gay and has been involved in a number of relationships. Currently he is single.

I asked him what he thought did gay relationships in more than anything else. He told me that he thought it was the lack of honest and sincere communication.

I asked him about the whole monogamy issue. He is for open relationships.

This is where the discussion got really interesting. I said that I felt that monogamy makes a relationship "special" and that if it is an open relationship, one runs the risk of causing it to be diluted and to make it lose its specialness.

He then said that his view of relationships was different. He believss that one can have an open relationship and then have a primary relationship where you "come home" to it....and draw your strength from it. "Too many gay men in relationships live in the future....rather than enjoying the moment now!" he said. "If a couple lives in the here and now and love and live....the future will take care of itself. It's not necessarily good to drop the heterosexual model onto a gay relationship."

So, I found myself just sitting there....dumbfounded.

I'd never heard things discussed like this before.

So, it has now made me wonder if I need to rethink what I have desired for so long: a gay male who was only interested in me and that we could live our lives together exclusively and grow old together.

Is this truly realistic in gay relationships though?

I sighed after our discussion and said, "Gee these gay relationships are so hard."

He smiled, and agreed.

I drove him home and he hugged and kissed me goodnight.

Monday Morning -- The Wee Hours

I have had quite a weekend so far. Saturday I was in the depths of despair. I was blue about my mother.....I missed my kids......I looked around my house and could see all the ghosts of my past life parading from room to room. I turned down several social engagements so I could just stay by myself and brood.

There is no other way to describe my feelings on that cold, gloomy, dark, drizzly fall day here in the Washington DC metro.

I actually sat down and went over in my mind all the bad things that have happened...or that were continuing to happen in my life. It wasn't pretty and I'm not proud to be sharing it.

But there you have it.

There were some other personal upheavals that I had to deal with on Wednesday evening late....but I won't go into all that. Suffice it to say that I have put everything back into perspective...and with the assistance of my constant companion, Davy, the wonder dog (cocker spaniel), I will survive another day.

This morning I went to church for the first time in eons. I felt really bad about having been gone....but between the work in my office...and going to West Virginia.....and having some private time, well, there just wasn't enough hours in the day. This morning I made it just in time for the beginning of the morning service. I got to see a number of my friends....and they all hugged me....and let me know that they were thinking of me.....and that they had been praying for my mom.

Their constant mantra was "Keep the faith...there is always hope."

This is what I am trying to do.

****************

I've thought a lot about the post I made last week where I talked about Lovey....and how alone I felt in dealing with my mom and my dad....and how at times I felt overwhelmed.

One of you wrote and asked if having Lovey back in her previous capacity would really make things better....

Honestly...the answer to that is no -- a resounding NO!

But after having read all the other comments, I think that one of the things that I am longing for more than anything right now is having someone who can be there for me during all the difficult days and months ahead. I would love to have someone who was available to "take care of me."

Aw...I'm not saying I'm codependent or anything as severe as that. I do wish I had a strong shoulder to lean on....or to sob into....or to have some very strong arms to entwine around me during those frightening moments of uncertainty. Someone that I can bounce ideas off of..... Someone to say, "I'm here. You're doing fine."

This would mean all the world to me.

But for whatever reason....it seems that I am alone. Even though I've had a few near misses lately.....of people expressing interest.....but then for whatever reason not following through......it seems that I am to face all these things alone.

I don't like it.

But what am I gonna do?

God knows.....why all this is happening.....and why....I am alone.

I'm Back!

Sorry to have been gone so long. I was in West Virginia checking on my parents. Then, I was caught having to work some erratic hours because of some pressing matters at the office and tonight, I returned from a 3-day conference in Baltimore with my office, only to return home and have to work on some office projects while trying to settle down from my trip!

Mom appears to be doing okay...considering all that she has had to endure thus far. She has grown quite frail.....and now her hair is beginning to fall out. She is keeping a positive spin on things and has gotten herself some snazzy wigs to make her keep her foxy appearance. She keeps her fingernails polished and she has decided to continue eating like a horse. She's not throwing up or anything like that. However she does feel a bit nauseated at times, at which point she takes her anti-nausea meds....and lies down.

Dad continues to be her number one care giver and he loves taking good care of her.

I just worry about them.

It bothers me because I'm not closer in proximity to where they live....or that I'm not able to swoop in on them more frequently.

At times I feel like this all is just way too much for me to handle alone. But what choices do I have?

I'm an only child.

My wife ditched me.

She doesn't even call my parents to check on them. (And she wonders why they don't want her to come to join us on holidays? This is another dramatic story that I will save for another time.)

I feel just so alone.

And it's all so very scary.

Dinner With Friends

Last night I had an impromptu dinner with two very dear friends.

Following a very long and stressful day, I needed to be around someone that cared about me....and where I could let down my hair.

So, I jumped at the chance to go and have fun for a few hours.

One of them, who hadn't seen me in a while, kept telling me how wonderful I looked. He detected a change about me. I kidded him and said, "See what a weekend with your EX wife can do for you!"

We all laughed.

But,I sat down when I got home and started thinking about what he had said..... I suppose I look different because I feel different about me. I'm relaxed. I'm not trying to prove anything to anyone. I'm just enjoying my life....and trying to figure out how to spend more time with my parents, my children and my friends because I appreciate each second.

My one friend kept me in stitches as he was recounting for my other friend about how much fun we had at the beach this past summer. Gosh, it was so good to laugh and think about those wonderful memories.

I pray that I have many more such memories to make.

Who knows? Next year I may be able to make some more wonderful memories with someone very special.

More on Ray Boltz

As a result of my posting yesterday of the Ray Boltz concert in Indiana from 3 weeks ago, I have had a substantial increase in the number of visits to this site. I also did a check to see where they were coming from...and as I did that search, I came across some really vile postings on other sites by so-called Christians.

Don't get me wrong. I am all for people being able to believe what they want. After all, this is the cornerstone of our government. But, it really does bother me to see these pious "saints" discussing a topic that obviously they have no first hand knowledge about....assuming that just because they are straight, God made EVERYBODY that way....then saying that people like Ray Boltz.....and (HORRORS) me.....are "doomed"....and that we are consumed by lust.....that we are deceived.....and one person on their wonderful site even went so far that Boltz now has mental problems. One lady even said he has hooked up with that "church that Troy Perry, the Pentecostal Snake Handler started."

God help me please!

Why must everyone get all vitriolic? And be so fearful?

So, I got all bent out of shape....and decided to write the attached note to the Christians out there. Bear with me....I don't mean to get all "preachy".
************

An Open Letter To My Fellow Christians:

Look, there is nothing wrong with people like us following our natural programming to love someone who has likeminded programming.

There is NO agenda!

My loving a man shouldn't affect YOUR straight marriage. (Unless of course, your husband is another person like me who has tried to conform to societal norms. And he reaches the point of deciding to accept himself.)

Being homosexual is no more about lust than being heterosexual is.

There are extremes in the homosexual community just as much as there are extremes in the heterosexual community.

We are NOT out to recruit others!

We are NOT child molesters!

We are every day people from all walks of life. We work. We pay our taxes. We live our lives.

Why shouldn't we be permitted to have a partner in our lives that we can love, honor and cherish?

I'm Christian...just like you. I believe in Jesus and that He died on the cross for my sins. But where we differ is that while the Bible may be inspired by God, it does not mean that people who wrote the submissions that appear therein went into trances, then used automatic writing as God dictated it thousands of years ago, for me here today.

If you're gonna attack Ray Boltz about this issue....and accuse him of being mentally unbalanced.....or crucify him because of his divorce.....then give those hefty gosepl performers equal time because of their out of control eating.......or some of those singers' who have been married more than once......or other's problems with consumption of alcohol....or the straight preachers who have "girlfriends" and wives.

I, for one, am tired of being told about how bad I am....just because in my mid-life, I was forced to face my orientation...head-on. I am now divorced. All this flies in the face of what you've taught me all my life..... And after all the change ministries....ex-ministries....prayer....fasting......and demons being cast out of me.....God did not change me. I have accepted that.

And you know what? I finally feel that I am the man that God now wants me to be. He's confirmed that I'm on the path He has set before me.

So, in the end, your screaming and preaching at me isn't going to change me and all my screaming and preaching at you isn't going to change you. Let's just realize this isn't going away. It isn't going to change. But let's learn to live with each other and tolerate each other. Then, in the end, let's see what awaits us in the hereafter.

God is certainly big enough to decide....fairly....and justly.

And I can certainly live with that knowledge.

Can you?

Sometimes I Wonder....

Sometimes I wonder if I am too much of a nice guy.

Oh, I can be a real bear when I want to. I can get cranky....my temper can get the best of me.... If I'm not feeling well, that can cause me to be especially irritable.

But for the most part, I try to be easy going, kind, loving and gentle.

I guess that's why I wonder if I am too nice sometimes.

For example, this weekend Lovey wanted to film her serving communion at one of her churches, and her sermon, to be able to submit with her ordination paperwork that is due in mid-December. (Oddly enough on our 27th Wedding Anniversary to be precise.) So, she asked if I could help her.

I agreed to this back in the summer...and did it on the first Sunday in September. She was not happy with her performance.

She then asked if I would come up the first weekend in October.

I agreed to that too.

What's wrong with me?

I should know better.

Being with her like that is emotionally draining. It's like picking at an old sore. It never heals.

So, today I return to the office., having spent a busy weekend in the Shenandoah Valley of Virginia and awakening this morning a bit drained emotionally. AND..haunted by the might-have-beens. I was reminded once again of all the plans I had made. You see, I turned 50 this year, and I had planned to retire early and to move to where she was in ministry....get a job....and just live my life as a support to her and her ministry. But now, because of the divorce, I'm gonna have to work another 20 years at least to recoup what the settlement cost me in my retirement.

I reminded her of this plan during one of our more serious conversations. (She said she had forgotten.)

The insidious part of being gay is the fact that you try so hard to change.....you do everything you know to play by society's norms..... What's the result?

Failure!

From the start.

Colossally so.

Then I am forever haunted by it.

I was surfing the web the other day and came across a Ray Boltz concert from about 3 weeks ago that was video taped by Jesus MCC in Indiana. It was the first concert he gave since coming out...and it has really spoken volumes to me...in a spiritual way. He does a song entitled "I TRIED" that sums up my feelings and the thoughts I have dealt with. I can't wait for his new album...hopefully that will be on it. Give it a listen. The link to the entire concert is below...but listen for I TRIED. All his music is fantastic....even the old songs like THANK YOU......and THE ANCHOR HOLDS. Enjoy!


Ray Boltz in Concert from Jesus MCC on Vimeo.

Another Busy Day

I like busy days at the office. It makes the time go by quickly and I feel like I have accomplished stuff.

I absolutely despite the days where there is nothing for me to do. It seems like the day will never pass....and I feel guilty when I'm not doing something worthwhile.

But this was not one of those days. I have practically worked nonstop all day long.

On the personal front, it's a bit interesting in that I have not heard a peep from the celebrity that I wrote of two postings ago. No simple "Hi" or "How are things going?"

My brief notes of "How are things?" are ignored.

So I try not to let it bother me. But on some levels it does.

Oh well.

*****************************

On another front, that gospel singer who came out, Ray Boltz, has apparently shook up things in the rabidly evangelical Christian Community. I did a google search on his name...and got a sermon entitled, "Is Ray Boltz Going to Hell?"

I find this sermon so stupid. The unidentified preacher (and if I had preached such a message, I would not want people to know I had preached such a sermon myself.) opened with a comment (I paraphrase), "I don't know Ray Boltz, and really don't care about his life, one way or the other..." Well, sir, if that was the case, then why did you spend 45 minutes talking about him to your church congregation?

Folks are so good at demonizing us gay folks. They harp on the "sin of homosexuality"....and eliminate us from their ranks whenever possible. But did anyone ever preach about the "sin of gluttony" or title sermons, "Is Vestal Goodman Going to Hell?" just because she was fat?

Aw c'mon everyone.

Let's allow God to be the righteous judge that he is. He will judge fairly.

To Get You Caught Up on My Mom

Mother has now had three chemo treatments.

She went to the beauty parlor on Saturday and decided to get all pretty.... She had her hair cut and styled. She said, "If my hair is gonna fall out, it's gonna hit the floor in style!"

On Monday, she got up.....painted her finger nails (they're long and pretty) bright red.....she put on her OIL OF OLAY....(She said, "I don't want to get all shriveled up like Tammy Faye."), put on her diamond ear rings and went for her first trip. They gave her two bags of chemo drugs, followed by anti-nauseating meds. On her way home, she stopped by Wendy's and ate a large chili.

On Tuesday, she got up, felt foxy. Got her self all prettied up again.....went...and had her two bags of chemo. Asked the technician, "How does the medicene going into my right hand know to go to the top of my left lung to get the cancer. After all, there's nobody there giving directions!" The technicians were amazed that: a) she was not sick or anything from the chemo and b) that she has such a wonderful sense of humor! She went home that day and did laundry.

On Wednesday, she got up, felt foxy. Got herself all prettied up again....went and had her two bags of chemo. Every place was taken and she was surrounded by bald, sick people that "looked like they were ready to check out," she said. Their color was bad and just seemed so miserable she said. So there she was....with her red nail polish, her tastefully appointed lipstick.....and she sat and relaxed. She got two more bags of chemo. When done, she got up...and they stopped by a restaurant where she got herself a pepsi and had a hot dog with onions! Just then her physical therapist came for her final appointment. Mom walked her all over the house and even went up the steps to her second level....and did so with one foot right after the other...not one step at a time! Keep in mind that she had her hip replaced just six weeks ago and she is 74 years old! The therapist could not get over how well and fast she has recovered and that she is tolerating the chemo so well.

She called to tell me all about her adventures ....and the fact that she is so thankful at feeling so well. She's giving all the credit to answered prayer!

Thanks for your loving support, warm thoughts and heartfelt prayers on her behalf...and for keeping me encouraged!

We Gay Men Are Sooooooooooo Fickle

Okay...I'm a 50 year old guy. Some twinks out there hear this and immediately would describe me as an "old troll".

Honestly I understand that.

After all, I'm not a gym bunny....I don't have a bubble butt......I don't have porn star looks....

But, in all honesty, I seem to be able to hold my own. There have been many handsome men who have floated through my life.....and my bed.

However, there is a certain caliber of flaky gay guy out there that I have never been quite able to understand.

Let me explain.

I enjoy people. I love to get to know people and learn from them. I also enjoy seeing the world through their eyes...and I strive to be a friend. This is because I know how difficult it is for some people to reach out....because I was there.

I have made a number of friends online....and they talk about the importance of friendship. But what amuses me most is that if there is no kind of attraction...some of them prefer the term chemistry....then there will be no friendship. NONE. NADA.

I have said to some guys, "Oh, I get it. You only have friends that you want to sleep with!"

They become indignant, but it's true.

Why is it so in the gay world?

I just don't know.

Recently I made what I thought was a good potential friendship with a well known personality in some circles. Sadly, when it became evident several years ago that he was in fact gay and he lost his family, he also lost his livelihood....and friends.

Through a various chain of events, he came into my sphere...and I began a correspondence with him. He bared his heart to me. (Since I was not a fan of his....and had been unfamiliar with him in his heydey....I made it clear that I was not starstruck....and that I wanted nothing from him....other than friendship.)


So, as a sign of trust and friendship....and because I knew what he looked like, I thought it would a nice touch to send a picture of me with my kids. This way it would make me seem more real....more human....and he could know that I was a genuine friend.

Boy, was I surprised.

The picture must have scared him to death because I've not heard from him since I sent the picture.

I guess I'm just another victim of..."I can't be friends with anyone I wouldn't want to have sex with!"

Another potential good friendship......down the tubes!

Wednesday Morning

I awoke this morning well before dawn.

It's one of those days where I felt like the weight of the world was sucking the life right out of me as I lay in my bed. It's hard to describe....but that's why I woke up so early.

So I used the time to send some email to friends....and to just pray and meditate. Right now I'm feeling better....and actually I don't have any reason not to be encouraged. Mother appears to be doing fine....Dad is fine....and all my children are well.

I just get kind of critical about myself...and pick at all my little flaws...and wonder why I am the way that I am. I guess this is the evil of being perfectionistic...because I want to be perfect in all my ways.

Hopefully today will be a good one.