The Fear of Being Alone

Well, I'm nearing the end of my visit with Daughter #2 who will be returning to Nashville on Saturday Morning. I'm a bit sad at this. It has really spoiled me to have all of my kids around this holiday season. Now the thought of them leaving, one-by-one is bittersweet.

I'm still worried about all of them. My son may be headed to Iraq thanks to President Bush. Daughter #1 is headed for El Salvador for 27 months. Daughter #2 headed "home" to Nashville.

#2 asked me why I was so upset about the kids leaving. I explained that as a dad, it just comes naturally to want to protect and defend your little ones at all times. However, there comes a time, when your little ones aren't so little anymore and you have to let them go. You have to let them soar into the unknown of the big, cold, and cruel world.

You worry.

But then, we humans worry about everything we possibly can.

I was reading accounts of other married men who have been struggling with coming out issues in an online support group that I'm a member of.

Invariably, they struggle with the concept of their sexuality....and also of the fact that they are afraid to leave their wives. I wonder why that is?

I understand that feeling.

That fear.

I experienced it.

But something has occurred that is really interesting in my life.

Here I am, on the other side of the big pronouncement......the other side of the tears....the rage....the hurt......the bitterness.....

For the life of me, I can't remember why I was so afraid of letting go of Lovey.

Was it the security blanket? Was it the fear of failure?

No, in my case, I'm sure it was the fear and worry of being left all alone.

Well, one thing this holiday season has taught me is that I am far from being left all alone. I spent so much time bonding with my kids, I'm a little worn out.

Last night, the girls were visiting with there mother over dinner....OUT....and I stayed in -- all alone -- and I LOVED IT.

It was totally relaxing.

No fuss....no fights......just peace and quiet....and my snoring dog.

Then, when I think of some of the looks I get when I'm out in public, I wonder, is it obvious that I'm gay? Do I have a glowing "G" in the center of my forehead that blinds like minded men and makes them give me "the look." or makes them say double-entendres. or outright flirt?

Hmmmm.....this gay singleness is an interesting development in my life.

Perhaps I should have started the divorce a lot sooner.