Happy New Year Continued

Day 2 of 2007 has been a good day.

Other than a few continued concerns about my kids......I'm okay.

Lovey is still in Sunny Florida. Enjoying herself no doubt.

Although the beach at Christmas and New Year's was about my most favorite vacation of all, I wouldn't trade what I experienced this year for none of that. I got to spend the holidays with my children -- who are the most important part of my life....and my parents....who I love dearly.

This year is gonna be better. It has to be.

I feel like I have been in a cave for the period of 2001-2006 without any light...just blackness that started as gray and got blacker as time went on. During that time, my marriage crumbled, my wife totally changed, my kids left for the marines and to college, I was an empty nester. My nest was totally empty...I was alone....physically from the most important people in my life: my children....and emotionally away from the person I should have been closest to: my wife.

Somewhere in that timeframe, I think I went through a midlife crisis. In late 2003, Lovey announced she wanted a divorce...but due to the ilness and subsequent death of her dad through 2004, she told me that she had made a mistake and that she knew she couldn't live without me.

I felt I couldn't trust her from that point on....a voice inside me said, watch out....it's gonna hapen again. It did.

Many folks have commented through this blog and privately to say that I had my cake and ate it too. I wasn't being true to my wife. I was living a lie. I was using my wife... Using her as a cover. In other words, because I am a gay man, I brought all this drama, pain emotional trauma, etc. onto myself. But what they don't understand is that I truly loved my wife... Probably not in the way that a heterosexual man would love his wife. But, yet, I loved her anyway. I dealt with my gayness as best I could in a situational manner.

When needs arose, I worked to mediate them. Still my focus was on my wife....because she was primary.

In the end, no matter what I did, it was not enough....never enough. The gay issue eclipsed everything in my fiber.

I couldn't stop acting on my urges. I couldn't be the man that Lovey wanted me to be for her.

I couldn't win.

So as 2007 begins I feel like I'm seeing the glimmers of daylight of a crisp new day. The long night is over. AND...here I am. I have survived. I'm feeling happy and content to have my children. To have my parents. To have my dog. To have the creature comforts that I need. I'm working to move on. It's a big job and sometimes easier said than done, but I'm working to forge ahead.

Do I have any resolutions?

Yeah....but I haven't really verbalized them to anyone.

Oh, they're nothing elaborate or secretive. I just haven't felt the need to talk to those around me about my resolutions.

But since I've used this blog as an outlet to share my innermost struggles and dreams, I think it only fare to share these private resolutions with you. So here they are:

*Take better care of myself and lose some weight. Perhaps hire a personal trainer to build up my strength and to make my chest look better. It's not bad...but could use a little tweak.

*Expand my network of friends. Meet new people.

*Be good to me.

*Increase the fun factor in my life...go a little beyond my comfort zone. Try new things.

*And, finally, remember that I am a good guy and that one day, I'm gonna make a special guy an excellent partner because I have a lot to give and with my 25 years of prior experience, I know the meaning of the word 'relationship.' I need to keep myself encouraged and be my number one fan. I am okay. I am strong. I have come a long way. I can depend on me.

So -- the drama of 2001-2006 is fading into the background. I'm emerging into the dawn of a new day.

I'm full of hope.