Thoughts on Technology, Being Married and Being Gay

Technology is a wonderful tool.

It is great to be living in the age in which we do. We have iPods, Macs, Digital Cameras, DVRs, and all kinds of toys.

But one thing that is truly the best thing I’ve ever come across is the Blog. Yup…this thing that you’re reading is a marvel.

When I began this thing almost a year ago I was hurting. I was hurting bad. It seemed that the ache would never leave and it appeared that I was powerless to do anything to make the pain stop. I had visited with two counselors, who both announced that I was in “recovery” and it would take time. They said that I exhibited the classic symptoms of a battered spouse – the only difference being that my scars and bruises were all internal.

I was miserable: in my life, in my job, in every aspect of my life.

I was a mess.

Since I enjoy writing and it’s a part of my normal job, I decided to start writing down my feelings – all unvarnished, warts and all. While that was a nice way to capture my feelings for posterity, I wondered if anyone would find it interesting enough to read about in a blog? So I pondered.

I also investigated and found this place to share my blog.

I got up my courage and started posting.

And, here I am, almost a year later with a total of 178 posts, almost 6,000 visits and it looks like I have a small, but loyal following. While I know some of you, because you’ve written to me at the.phoenix@cox.net, I don’t know all of you. In a strange sort of way, it’s comforting to know you’re out there…reading my every word. I am honored that you’re there. It just makes me feel good to know that of all the millions and billions of spots on the Web you could be going to, here you are! Thank you.

Writing about the administrivia that composes my life is therapy. Being able to vent…..to sound bitter……to sound sad…..to feel sorry for myself…..all this is therapy. It has helped so much. I am so much better!

Even your comments, whether they are posted here...or whether they are sent to me offline, mean a lot to me.

Through this process, I’ve also learned that I’m far from being alone on this journey. Some of you are miles ahead….some of you are miles behind……still others of you are just beginning to turn onto the entrance ramp.
Being gay and being married poses a lot of issues. I’ve been accused of everything…of using my wife as a cover…..of “having my cake and eating it to”…..of lying about myself to my wife…. Generically, as a gay man, I’m accused of undermining the sanctity of marriage, I’m told it’s because of my kind that the twin towers fell. I’m told that God hates us….that I’m an abomination…..that I’m going to hell…..that I’m evil…the I’ll bring down western civilization due to my decadence.

I’m left scratching my head and saying to myself, “I did all that?”

Gay people – married or single – if they are struggling with feeling like a pile of dung because of comments like those listed above, or others, or their self esteem is at an all time low, or if they feel unloved or unwanted – they all need support and the knowledge that they aren’t the only ones. They are good people.

Hopefully, my little blog in this tiny corner of cyberspace will help.