Just when I think I have things kind of figured out….I find myself going around a curve….a BIG one.
We have discussed gay crushes many times here. I still have them.
They’re fun to experience.
Even more importantly, the object of such crushes are tremendous fun to look at and to think about.
Back when I was single the first time, I’d have crushes on men all the time. This happened really quite strongly after puberty and in my late teens and early 20s. I was so painfully shy. I never had the nerve to walk up and literally hit on people.
I’d do what I tend to do now…..look, drool……long for…….fantasize……and then realize that I wasn’t the guy for the subject at hand….I’d get depressed……and then I’d try to think about something else.
It was the first of many emotional roller coasters I experienced.
Even though now I still have that one man who sporadically comes to my church – who knows my name….that I long for so deeply……. Nothing compares to my earlier crushes….and the feelings afterward when I found out that such crushes were not reciprocated.
During that time however, there was a man that I did cross paths with. It so happened that He and I were born in the same year and we had a whole lot in common. As I was making my way as a single person in a ghetto-like area here in Alexandria, he and his wife lived several states away with his two children. He was military and came to this area fairly frequently.
We happened to meet on a metrobus one day. I was headed to the Pentagon to catch the subway into the office. He was headed into the Pentagon for his job. Things started innocently enough. I, along with ¾ of the people on the bus was reading The World Accoding to Garp, He asked me what I thought of the book.
We chatted. We introduced ourselves.
From that moment,everytime I’d get on the bus, he’d have a seat waiting for me next to him. We talked about everything: the weather, politics.
We continued to get close….and well, it turned out that he was questioning his feelings for men.
By the time he disclosed all this, I had developed a serious crush on him. This man was almost god-like in physique. He was kind and gentle with quite a loving personality.
Well, to summarize a very long story…he and I began to spend intimate time together. He let it be known that he cared for me deeply…but because of his familial obligations, this relationship just couldn’t go anywhere.
I certainly understood all that. I couldn’t deal with that at the time anyway. But through the years, I have longed to see him…..and to wonder how things were going.
Just as things were settling into a routine for us, he was transferred to the other side of the planet. For a while we corresponded…but then we lost touch. He did have relatives that I had spent some time with who lived out in Vienna, VA. But as time often does, it got away from me and I lost touch with them too.
About two months ago, my phone woke me up on a Saturday morning. On the other end was this relative calling to catch up. He was amazed to find out that I was now divorced and trying to pull my life together.
“Jay still asks about you all the time,” he said. “Why don’t you give him a call?”
I explained that I had lost touch with Jay…..and that I had always wondered what was happening to him. The relative gave me his telephone number and his email address.
That evening I wrote a long email…and sent it to him. I gave him my email address, my home address, all my phone numbers and a picture.
No response.
I felt like perhaps he maybe felt a bit on edge with me, a single gay guy, pursuing him, now that he was married. So, I let it drop.
When I started putting together the birthday list….I decided to send him a note to see what might happen.
Well, I got a nice email from him today. It said:
Hello there Frank,
Happy, happy, birthday when you turn 50. I'm sorry I
didn't call you, but somehow--I lost your phone
number. So please e-mail me back with your phone
number so I can call you--I'd love to hear from you
and get caught up on old times. We had a problem with
our computer because I live in a rural area and we
just now got high speed internet. Please give me a
call--
Your friend always, Jay
Hearing from him has sort of perked me up.
No one ever knows what lies around the next curve.
I would never have thought that I would be writing about this!
4 comments:
that was sorta touching & it seems you're really doing good with your b'day invitations.
Can't wait to see what will happen when you meet him :-p
Congrats on the upcoming birthday. And, I hope an old friendship can become a new one.
Shalom & Cheers
"Well to summarize a very long story..." Please tell! I always wonder what is the thing that puts you both over...is it a gesture, a innuendo, a drunken grope.(I guess it's usually something obvious.)
I wonder about contacting old crushes myself. Being out and partnered while they are still married with kids makes me nervous to try and contact them. I mean, if we were close friends and others knew that...would others around us suspect anything, would it put him in an awkward situation if we did? Worries me...and sad too. Though, I'm sure they'd still like to hear from me regardless, as they would for you.
I still so struggle with crushes which I know can't or shouldn't go anywhere, and are yet so powerful. And then when I think the feeling is past, it shows back up.
At least now I'm in a place where if one happens that might be a good thing, I can pursue it. I hope things go well with your reconnection.
And Happy Birthday!
Post a Comment